4 year relationship ends, still hoping for another chance
Hey there everyone,
First time poster here, and I wanted to see if I could just put my problem out there and see what you all had to say about it.
I'll start from the beginning. I met an amazing woman over 4 years ago thanks to my having classes with her brother in college. We started a band together and practice at his house and that's how we met. We got to know each other, we fell for each other hard.
I was only her second boyfriend, her first relationship didn't last too long as he cheated on her and lied to her. And until I came along she tried to go on dates with a few guys, but nothing turned out. She ended up making excuses to not see those guys. She was happier being alone. She also had issues with her friends when she started high school and felt that she'd rather be homeschooled and be alone than deal with those people.
It's only fair that I state my background a bit too. As a kid, I was a loud, outspoken and happy kid for the most part. My parents divorced when I was young, but i eventually got a handle on it and loved playing music. At times though, I lied to my friends and classmates because I was ashamed of the divorce (when i was in my teens) and had a lot of self-esteem issues. I lied to avoid having awkward friendships. By the time i got to college, i was over the lying. I really felt good about who i was as a person. I dated a girl for about 6 months, but i lied to her about my family and about personal issues i had when i was younger because when asked about my childhood, i felt that sense of shame again. And rather than tell the truth, i lied and hurt her. She found out, and left me. I faced my friends, and went through a lot of transformation after the break up and didn't know if i wanted to date again. That was until my recent girlfriend came into my life.
Then as we started dating, things were great. We hung out a few times a week, we went on fun dates, and talked a lot. Well, I talked a lot, she's much quieter than I am. But that was ok, she liked that about our dynamic.
Anyways, we fell deeply in love and after about 6 months, she said she needed space to figure out what she wanted. She was afraid of commitment since she had been hurt before and she didn't want to just abandon me as well. She was afraid that she'd hurt me since she was so used to being alone in her life. However after not being around each other for a week, she didn't want to break up. And things went back to normal. We got even closer, but after another 7 months or so, she had another episode of being unsure and wondering if the relationship was what she wanted. This time we broke up for about ten days-two weeks, but we came back to each other.
After that, things improved dramatically. We got an apartment together, and were enjoying each others company even more. And we went on trips, spent time with our families, and we trusted each other so much. It was perfect.
Now here's where things changed. A year ago, I had a very serious health scare, I had a very serious surgery and she stood by my side. She was so supportive. And i will forever be in her debt for everything she did for me.
However last summer, i was contacted by an old friend who i was very close with emotionally. We had a long distance relationship,we werent ever officially a couple but we grew very close. She contacted me during my illness and we talked sporadically. When i began dating my recent girlfriend though we only spoke briefly, if ever. But when my recent girlfriend showed signs of depression (she changed jobs a lot, and was trying to find direction in her life) i felt distanced and i ended up confiding emotionally in my other friend. When my recent girlfriend found out, i lied and said we hadn't been talking much.
That was my first real mistake. I lied again. But since then, i haven't said a word to her, and haven't wanted to talk to her.
But that wouldn't be my only lie. My recent girlfriend asked if there was anything else I needed to tell her. And i didn't come clean.
through a music forum, i met other friends and enjoyed talking about records and other topics like hockey and movies. And i ended up talking to another woman, as friends at first but things escalated as she sent me inappropriate photos and i didn't stop her. As i did that, i still felt that my recent girlfriend was at a distance from me emotionally. But i was so wrong. I continued to talk to this other woman, and my recent girlfriend eventually got suspicious enough, checked my phone and found out. I had even entertained the possibility of having an encounter with the other woman, but when she found out, i quickly put an end to it and haven't spoken to her since.
After a painful month of discussions, living together still and near break ups, we ended up staying together. I went to a therapist to confront my problems with lying. I admitted my wrongdoings to her family and apologized to them in front of her. And through everything we had some amazing times together still. There were bad days of course, she still wondered at times who was texting me, even though it was only my bandmates, my family or my friends. I took my passcode off of my phone and computers, and have been trying to lead a more transparent and honest life.
We reached our 4 year anniversary this spring and things seemed to be load better. We talked, we went out, we were enjoying each others company again. However in early may, she suggested wanting an open relationship. She felt as if she missed out on experiences due to the way she lead her life, and felt that she wanted to be open to those things, if she even wanted them ( from what i understand and have seen, she hasn't even done anything. Again, she's not really an outgoing, "go out and get a guy and party" type. ). But she said the main reason why she wanted that was to help her put her mind at ease with who was contacting me. Even though she was pretty sure i wasn't doing anything i wasn't supposed to.
And then last week, she broke up with me. She said that the last month was hard for her. After everything i tried, and how much i had changed and showed her how much i wanted to be with her, her heart wasn't in it any longer. She felt like she needed to be alone again. Except this time, she's moving home ( in a few days now) and she wants to be on her own. She knows how i still feel. I love her and will always love her. She's made it very clear that she still wants to be friends with me, wants to continue to talk to her and she wants to talk to me. But for now it seems best that we live separately, and heal.
Long story short ( too late) i guess i'm hopeful that in this time we can heal, learn to be friends and support each other, but i hope that maybe one day we can reconnect and be together again. I learned so much about life and myself through her and with her that i don't want to be with anyone else. I searched within myself for answers, and found that my deepest and most profound desires are to be with her and share a life with her.
But is it too late? Are we only going to be friends?
Are my hopes naive? I've never wanted anything more ever in my life. Especially now that i know i would never hurt anyone like that again.
I love her, and just want to be with her again.
Thanks for your time and any advice or comments are appreciated.
Nah-h-h. This isn't going to work. She knows it; you have known it all along. You weren't ready to settle down for real (hence the lies and cyber cheating) and she needed to grow up a little,(too young, too immature,) . . . let it go.
It's been a learning experience for all.
Take your lessons to another time and place.