I drunk cheated on my boyfriend a year ago
I feel like the worst person on earth and know that you guys are going to judge me on what I'm about to say, but I really need some advice and can't confide in any of my friends because I can't trust them.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and have a great relationship. We are best friends and lovers and get along with each others families and friends so well. We just came back from a 4 month student exchange overseas together and our relationship has grown stronger since then.
However, a year ago, I got drunk at a club, blacked out and cheated on him by having sex with a friend at the back of his car in the club parking lot. I know alcohol is not an excuse, but I would never cheat on my boyfriend if I was in the right state of mind. My boyfriend and I intended to go to the club together with my group of friends initially as my favourite International DJ was spinning. However, last minute he didn't feel well and decided to stay at home and rest instead. He told me to go ahead with my friends because he knew how much I wanted to see the DJ live (I'm a pretty big fan).
Anyway, immediately after it happened, apparently I drunk called my boyfriend telling him I was in the back of my friends car. He immediately called my girl friends and told them to look for me. Afterwards they sent me to his house. I don't remember getting to his house, but he says when I arrived I was very drunk and horny. (I feel like such a slut).
The next day I woke up to a text from the guy I slept with asking me if I remembered what happened. I replied that I vaguely remembered anything and then he explained everything to me. I felt like such a terrible person but did not tell my boyfriend because I was afraid to. I confided in my best friend and she told me not to tell because it was just a mistake and she knew it would ruin our relationship for nothing. I texted the guy I slept with and told him that I wanted him to take a HIV test to make sure that he was clean. He didn't have HIV or STDS which was good, so I told him not to tell anyone about it and he agreed.
A few months later, some friends approached my boyfriend and told him there were rumours that I had cheated on him that night. He immediately called me and I denied them, saying that they were just rumours. (I know I know I'm a very bad person).
Since that night, I have never gone drinking without my boyfriend, have only gone clubbing once (and he was with me) and have never been unfaithful in any way. I have spent every moment since then trying to be a good girlfriend to him, and working towards a long lasting relationship (and hopefully marriage) with him.
It's been a year since that happened, and I recently met up with a friend. We began to talk about relationships and she said that she knew that I had cheated on my boyfriend because her ex boyfriend is close to the person I had sex with. Apparently the person I had slept with had screenshot our conversation and sent it to my friends ex boyfriend as proof that we slept together. He showed her the screenshot so she knew that I had lied to my boyfriend. However she told me not to worry because it was so long ago and everyone had forgotten about it already. She also said that the screenshot was unlikely to resurface again.
Ever since then I have gotten paranoid that my boyfriend will find out the truth. I lost all appetite and have insomnia. I decided to just tell my boyfriend because I felt like such a bad person and would rather he know the truth from me than from someone else. However, he got so mad when I began to tell him, and said that whether we remained together or not would depend on what I actually did with the guy that night. So, I freaked out and lied and said that it was just a make out and that nothing else had happened. He said he was hurt and disappointed but would be willing to give our relationship another shot.
I feel like such a horrible person and I don't know why I can't just tell him the truth. I am going to speak to a counsellor on Monday about what I should do because I feel so guilty. I feel like ever since that night a year ago I have changed and have never been unfaithful to him. Yet I feel like I can't get past the cheating issue if I don't just tell him the whole truth.
What do you think I should do?
Please spare me the judgement (I know I am such a slut) but I am just seeking advice on what I should do ;'
You're not a slut. Everyone attaches way too much importance to fidelity. You just got drunk and messed up. Chances are pretty good that he suspects you're not telling him the whole truth but he is content or too lazy to do anything about it. When a woman tells me she just made out with someone I usually know she slept with him. Women have a tendency to understate their more scandalous escapades because they are afraid of people thinking they are slutty. It's a stupid double standard. I don't have to do that because I am a man. You didn't do anything that awful. You didn't murder anyone. I'd rather not have the infidelity there in front of my face but that's just me. When a woman tells me she cheated on me it kind of makes it my problem to respond to. It's like you're trying to clean BBQ sauce off your face and using your boyfriend's shirt instead of a napkin. Now it's on him too. You have two choices: You can hold it inside and know he probably knows anyway but he is content to be with you even though he suspects you are dishonest with him (what kind of person does that make him? Someone YOU want to be with?) or you can deal with it. If you just want to get rid of the guilt and clear the air make sure you have the means to leave (if you live with him) and first thing in the morning say "Hey, I did cheat on you that night. I'm sorry. I don't care about that dude at all. I never did. I care about you and I lied to you. I've felt awful about it all this time and I can't live with it anymore. I'm sorry. If we stay together I won't do it again." Don't leave all your stuff where he can destroy it. We (men) don't need you to over explain it. Don't make it a big deal. Don't ask him to sit down or overdramatize it. He will ask you a bunch of stupid questions like "was it good?" to make you feel like garbage. Don't answer them. Just say "I'm not answering that. We can break up if you want to but I've already told you everything that's important and I won't have you holding it over my head for the rest of my life. Then give him some space. Tell him he can mess around on you once if he wants to but it won't make anything better.
Do not let ur pain give him pain. Don't let your guilt ruin a great thing. Everyone makes mistakes, it sounds as if you've learned from it and have made tremendous changes towards a better life. And besides whose to say he hasn't made some stupid choice like that too, that u don't know about! Let it go! Move on and allow yourself to be happy. There is something deep down inside that is telling u that u don't deserve him, but that's not true. If u r happy and he is then let that mistake go. Don't ruin his life bc of ur ONE stupid mistake, u will crush his life and whether u think or not he will never get over it. Don't tell him. Jus like she daid, no one else is talking about it or worried about it. Don't speak of it ever again, put it away in a deep dark place never to be spoken of again
~ The more you say that you are a slut for some reason I get easily horny.
If he actually loves you at all, I can assure you he would understand.
Now if it was more than once when you "accidentally" drunk-cheated, then ofc he'd be mad.
But if this only occured once between you and one man I am not sure how he could stay mad at you.
Lie. He'll hate you if he finds out you cheated and lied. But, he'll hate you and never trust you again if you tell him.
When this guy texted you he next day and asked "if you remembered what had happened", apparently he knew you were not fully aware of what was going on.
Not knowing how you got home was evidence that you were OUT OF IT!! This guy set you by the "fake concern text" You say "immediately afterwards I drunk called my BF and told him I was in the back seat of my friends car" How did you know know it was immediately afterwards as oppose to "at some point I called my BF".
Do you remember the facts as this guy told you? If not what do you remember? You are not a slut nor a bad person, you're a human being and human beings make mistakes. Own your truth, and forgive yourself-you made a mistake and have learned from it..
Tell him. If you ever plan to make a TRUE life with this man, you need to be honest with him. completely. Put yourself in his shoes ad ask yourself if you ever wanted to know if he had done something. Its not fair to your nor him to keep something like that hidden away and expect him or you to live a life together, happily. If he wants to fix things after you tell, then by all mean thats great. IF he wants to end things, then thats hid decision. Don't undermine his role in the relationship and pretend things are good and okay. for how good he has been to you, and for whatever your relationship is worth, tell him.
For cheating and minimizing damage, you have done an excellent job by half-truthing him. You committed a Felony, but turned yourself in for a Misdemeanor making it hard to get tried for the same situation twice. Indeed, if you told him you would ruin your relationship. FIN121 is incredibly concise and logical: "Lie. He'll hate you if he finds out you cheated and lied. But, he'll hate you and never trust you again if you tell him." However, another way of looking at is:
"Your relationship is Worthless: 1) If you tell him it will crush him. It would probably end your relationship if he knew. Certainly, he would be hurt forever, not trust you, lose respect for you and hold it against you. If it survives, you would have an honest but very tormented relationship. 2) If you don't tell him, you at least know the facts he doesn't. Even if he never finds out the truth, you know the Real Value of your relationship: It's Worthless."
For you, whether he knows or not, you do, and your relationship is now worthless. You've done excellent damage control, and the final step is to make-up some reason to break-up with him. Otherwise, why would you want this Worthless Relationship?
In addition to the above, how can you love your boyfriend knowing what you did, and by not telling him, inflict a worthless relationship upon him as a best case scenario? The reality is, drunk or not, you made the decision that this other guy you had sex with was so awesome, he was worth making this relationship worthless. Leave your BF and find this awesome guy, because that's all you have left.