My 13 year relationship is destroyed by porn and I feel like a fool

My partner and I have been in a committed, 13 year relationship. We live together in our home. Approx. 2 years ago sex dried up, almost completely. My partner rarely, if ever initiated sex and when I did it was met with excuses. Literally sex was 8 - 10 months apart. I nearly lost my mind. I entertained every rational. I tried speaking about it and my partner had no interest in talking. In fact he told me to NEVER ask for sex again. Those were troubling times in deed. Fast forward I decided to start an exercise routine and while I was not really overweight, my appearance and build improved greatly. For a brief moment my partner seemed interested in me, having sex nearly nightly for a week and then things dried up again or sex was very one sided where his needs were met, but mine were not. I was permitted to touch him, but only with his direction and he rarely touched me. I just knew something was not right and it was driving me crazy. Against my best efforts, I snooped on his computer. I considered this a violation, but I was literally nuts with grief and fear. Sure enough, I found that my partner was watching porn, very very hard core porn and had been for the last couple years. According to time stamps he would wait for me to go to bed and then watch porn. I was devastated. His taste were specific, and looked nothing like me. I felt like a fool and I was ashamed of my own body and I never wanted him to see me again. This really damaged me. I realize that I had been exchanged for porn, that all my pleading for sex meant nothing. I was also concerned about him cheating. I told him that I knew and was enraged. He made excuses, saying he doesn't really look at porn, that because he is an artist that sort of thing appeals to him artistically of course. I called BS and asked that he end it. He reluctantly agreed to stop watching porn, insisting that I was over-reacting. I told him that I needed intimacy from him and that I sex and that we must resolve these issues otherwise I will continue to be unhappy and I will not live like that. I asked if he felt uncomfortable disclosing his needs to me, I pleaded with him to be open and honest and that I would work to make sure his needs are met. I think I was fair as I could be. A weeks later and he is still uninterested in sex with me and he is still watching porn. He is also visiting video chat sights. He added a computer password and has blocked me out, but as a computer technician I am able to bypass those security features. I confronted him again last night and all I got was excuses and anger. I told him I would leave, but he held me down and restrained me. I've been in the bed all day, broken, hurt, scared, my self esteem is gone. What to do? I love him, but I'm miserable and he seems to be able to justify everything. The whole thing is crazy. G-

Your partner has an addiction. Porn is OK in a relationship as long as it's a mutual and shared interest. When it's concealed, it's a form of cheating and as you have found out, it's leaves one partner feeling used, damaged and discarded. As with all addicts, he needs to hit rock bottom before he can begin to deal with it. You need to realize that only he alone can seek help for it when he finally realizes that he has a problem. Even then, some addicts acknowledge their issue but take years to act on it. I'm sorry, but your 13 years together doesn't count for much to him because any addiction will destroy any normalcy of a relationship. He deems that he has a right to watch porn when he needs to and your pleas and reasoning are just falling on his deaf ears. He doesn't recognize or respect your needs, rather, it's all about him. You basically have a choice, as do all people who try and live with an addict....stay, try and accept it and support him, or move on and start again elsewhere. Easy to say but damned hard to do.

Thanks for your reply. I knew all these things, but reading them from a stranger, they really sink in. I know our relationship is over. He doesn't care about my pain, he calls it an inconvenience and tells me I'm being selfish. I think I am getting out. Yes, much harder to do than say. He begged me to quit my job 5 years ago and stay at home and take care of the house, cooking, cleaning etc. I agreed and now I'm broke, not a dime to my name. He takes care of everything, his choice not mine and I need my head examined for agreeing. I was in love, I trusted him. A mistake I'll never make again. Anyway I need to stop crying, gather my senses and make my plans. Thanks again for your comments. G-