Problems with past mistakes

Hi, I'm a 19 y/o and so is my boyfriend weve been dating for almost a year now and friends for 4. Into our 3rd year of friendship our relationship went really south, and I still seem to have problems getting over it. He always had a crush on me since we met and I kinda knew it but wasn't interested for awhile. And I know its partially my fault for taking so long but right when I started to warm up to the idea he got his girlfriend (his first ever) and I was floored. She was not his type and wasn't exactly modest. Once he lost it to her he stopped talking to me. And when he stopped talking to me I got squeezed out of the friend group. So I was alone for a whole winter extremely depressed and suicidal. They ended up breaking up and he moved on to the next girl within a week but started talking to me again. I couldnt believe he was acting like that, hoeing around because he was really good and not like that at all before. He told me details about his sex life with her and how much he liked her and stuff. She blew him off and was done with him and he came back to me and that's when we got together. Now a year later after all of that and we've had such a happy year together I still am so hurt when I think of it. I have talked to him and he apologized and even cried saying he never wanted to hurt me so its not like its bottled up, but no matter how hard I try I just can't get past this. I'm not sure what to do at this point I can't get the details out of my head. After all this time and its literally no better since the day it happened. Im just sad cuz i guess i always thought id be his first or at least it would have gone way differently. Thanks to anyone who took time to read this, I'm not sure there's much to do, maybe it will help to vent.

Our world is as big as we make it. Big things get smaller if our world gets bigger. Open your horizons to life. Ask yourself What is life. What can i do What can i experience What can i learn What could be my purpose As Tori Kelly puts it....I don't have to have all the answers but figuring it out might be the best part "DAYDREAM" AND ALWAYS BUILD WHO YOU ARE. Love yourself and what you are doing with you life so that no one can knock you down.

LUVBIRD thank you so much for the inspirational words I actually wrote them down so that I look at them when I need to. Very lovely words, thank you for your response :)

SUSIEDQQ you are absolutely right that's why I know I need to change. I don't hold it against him at all and that's not what I want to do. I realize this is wholly my problem and I don't blame him for it and I haven't for awhile. The only problem is I still feel sad. I realize i need to change my own attitude. Thanks you for you response!

Love yourself and what you are doing with you life . Its cool that you wrote down what I said :) .. but what would be cooler and more powerful is to elaborate on paper the specifics to the above statement. Specific qualities that describe you.. YOUR IDENTITY. Specific things that you can do with your time. Life is just an accumulation of projects, experiences and responsibilities. Create art that reflects who you are. A poster filled with words that describe you, phrases, quotes. Will help you be what you define yourself as. You will feel so much better when you get busy with all the many kinds of ways people spend their time. With interests, hobbies, learning, trying things, having fun, activities, sports, games, training, hiking, sewing, music, films, writing, drawing, gardening, crafts ... there are billions of things to fill your time up with... its all anyone is doing. One project, one experience, at a time. You will feel great before you know it. Try making a list of all the things you could do, or have interest in. Row row row your boat gently down the stream.. merrily merrily merrily merrily.... life is but a dream. So dream.. and do!!

Check out the forum... "Relatively Typical Teenage Crush Problem, Thing..." Its about a young boy wanting a relationship. Read through it... and see yourself in a position... to start over again.... stronger. Your next relationship will have a better chance... if you choose to GROW. Learn from this experience... and define how you would like your next one will be. Which will depend on WHO YOU will be. You wont be the same person. But that's up to you.

Hello dear, I'm a 21 yr old female. I too had the same past as your boyfriend has. Not that i switched over to guys but yes i had physical relationship with my boyfriend but unfortunately we broke up. My current boyfriend too wishes if i could be his first to have these special moments together. But since he saw my dedication he has learnt to accept whatever past mistakes i did because of losing control on myself. If you see your boyfriend is really dedicated to you and loves you and doesn't repeat those mistakes now then on your part u should also generously accept whatever he did... It's okay he did he did out of control... But now, he is with you... Try to accept people and their situations... You will be more happy and content if u complain less and love more. I hope this was helpful

Your next relationship... or the next phase in this relationship ... is what i should have said in the last note. Shrav is right....from what we know of your relationship... but you have full view and consequences of your choices. xoxo I hope that you feel better. FREE.

FORGIVENESS is a blessing to all....and a way to build stronger trust. Like one step in the wrong direction can have us running in the right direction

LUVBIRD you have been so incredibly helpful with this thank you so much! You are right I have alot of free time which would go into thinking about things I shouldn't have been. I need to get active and fill my life with more important things and focus on the future, not the past. I love the poster idea and would love to do that soon! I actually feel so much better since i posted this. I was skeptical about putting myself out there but im glad i did it. Thank you so much again and I definitely will check out the forum you recommended :)

SHRAVI1000 Yes, your answer was very helpful! It's nice to no I'm not the only person going through stuff like this, and it's helpful to hear from the other side of the situation. I see now that I need to look at what we do have and focus on how good we are now as opposed to being angry over the past. Thank you for your response :)