To stay or to go

I recently found a facebook message sent from my live in girlfriend to another man. The message reads "Hiya...I tried texting you after practice but for whatever reason it didn't go through. Happy Tuesday!" the next message was sent the following day one hour before I was home from work. It read "Was going to see if you were up for some afternoon delight, but then I realized 2 things: 1. I just got outa work and I'm a sweaty mess, and 2. that's just downright devilish." With a little devil icon. We have lived together for the last 4 years. She has a six year old son that lives full time with us. He is like my own. I don't know how to handle this. The house is in only my name. I can carry all bills. We haven't spent a lot of time together due to her work in the evenings and mine through the day. All advice and perspectives are appreciated.

Hate to say it but I think your relationship went south. Best you tell her that it's time to part in your ways and say goodbye. I know you've bonded with her son but he's not your own.

What would she do if the tables were Turned? How would she react if it were you having an affair behind her back?

Wait a cotton pickin' minute... She sends (has to RE-send at that) 'Happy Tuesday' and he - a whole day- WHOLE DAY later - responds with, basically, 'fancy a sh*g' which he then 'apologises' for in the same breath/combined-ly? 1. That sounded tongue-in-cheek to me, and 2. even if it isn't, sounds more than a little one-sided. What's 'practise'?

He's not responding Soulmate. Maybe he's observing. I found a way around my submitting problem I think.

I confronted her with this information. She denied this at first, then she told me that nothing had happened and she was just exploring her options. She is a bartender in a somewhat upscale bar in our area. She met this man at that bar while she was working. As far as the "frisky" goes, we have a fairly regular sex life. I would say twice a week is our normal. She does sometimes want more. She gets home late and I have to be out the door at 6:30 the next morning. I do agree that we need to spend more time together. I am off every weekend. She works most weekends. I really would like for this to work out. At the moment, my trust is broken. How do you begin to repair this. Thank you to all who have taken the time to respond.

Practice is referring to band practice. We both play music as a hobby.

The first step in a situation like this is transparency no secrets. How sincere is she about wanting to stay with you? There's a lot to say about gaining trust back when someone gets caught exploring other options. It would be her obligation to gain your trust back in the relationship.

I don't care about what anyone says here. It's a girls world out there. And a girl bartender agreed with me.

About that

(Scopes, bartenders get *paid* to agree with their customers, whether via the payroll or in tip format. ;-)) Arkahle, Your 'acting wife' of 4 years knows full well any woman in her position doesn't have 'options' any more and hasn't for ages, let alone ones to keep open. So the fact she's spouting such obvious nonsense is too revealing. (In fact, she's spouting even worse nonsense than that bartender up there. LOL) So IMO what you've got here is this old chestnut: - "Pay me more attention!" - "PAY ME MORE ATTENTION!" - "Well, then, if you're not going to pay me more attention - see how you like THESE apples!" [drags unsuspecting, manipulable, exploitable sap into the frame] - "Got your attention NOW, haven't I!" (Hasn't she just.) If she'd plump for manipulating more attention out of you - despite, yes, she obviously DOES feel neglected (and to the point where she (over-reactively/-dramatically thus over-exaggeratedly) feels she may as well BE single) - then, you need to give some thought as to why she wouldn't take the simpler, easier, EARLIER route of just sitting you down to have that 'difficult' talk...the one that goes, 'Houston, I'm not as happy as I used to be because...'. Or did she? If she did then you need to ask yourself: Do you tend to go straight onto the defensive and be un-cooperative and/or mentally/verbally off-putting? Do you get over-excited/-panicked/-flooded and talk over her like a runaway freight train, to where she can't adequately express how she feels and ends up even more resentful and powerless and resigned to little more than acting-out? Do you promise to make whatever tweaks or changes but then somehow for whatever reason(s) never get around to it? Is she, whether innately or based on past bad experience, a bit of a coward, even when it comes to 'safe' confrontation with an ally? Other? Combination? Methinks that's the 'trust issue' you've really got going, and need not worry about Mr Happy Sappy. So I suggest you take her out for a cosy drink or meal and (nicely and sympathetically) ask her why she'd basically prefer to try (as safely as possible) contriving a situation that'd make you feel threatened and jealous rather than just come to you in the normal way to discuss her complaint. And then listen. Hard. If she doesn't give you any answer to which you can hand-on-heart concede, in terms of unsuspecting complicity on your part, then you need to have a long think about how successful this relationship can continue to be without open, honest, straightforward approaches during any less-than-ideal or problematical phases, be those relationship-natural or ones caused by life's sh*t 'n circumstances.

Soulmate I did that to stimulate conversation and it worked. BTW I know the bartender she was being sincere. ARKAHLE I hope this all comes to resolve. And if it does that's great. If it doesn't then I guess you could explore your other options too

Well, she's effing WRONG, then, tell her (albeit, probably better to be more diplomatic than that if you don't want a Whisky in your face, LOL). Truth is, half or more of the time it's sh*t being a woman and sh*t being a man, the only difference being - men's sh*t comes in x, y, z format and women's in a, b, c. Same weight of sh*t - merely different details, big deal. IF YOU'RE A HUMAN BEING, life can be sh*tty. Equally, it can be lovely. You've got to learn to find whatever correct balances between you as a 'unique' individual and the world at large, including its other occupants, in order to keep the ratio loaded on the positive experiences and wellbeing side. And that's the challenge, that's the point of this here 'basic training camp' we call human existence. Could be worse...we could have been born dogs (they eat their own poo, doncha know.)

Awwww c'mon Soulmate chill! I'm at the pizza place/ bar and I just talked her boyfriend and he's going going to verify that. BTW the pizzas delish. And if Hillary gets in office it will be a girl's world nah nah nah....

All kidding aside, ARKAHALE we hope you come back here and let us know if things worked out

('Nah nah nah...'? LOL, Did someone let Bananarama in?) "Will" be = *Not* yet a girl's world. Precisely. "Girl's", instead of 'woman's'. Precisely again. "Hillary", not 'Clinton'. Precisely again. Vodka-flavoured pizza, is it? ;-D PS: Yes, Arkahale, we do. (:-D)