20 years on and it's still the same

My spouse and I have been married for a long time. My problem is that he is a good man, but he has an issue that I can't find a way to work around. He gets up early for work, and does have difficult and stressful job. I work as well, and we have three teenage kids, and all of them have either a developmental delay or health problem. I was a SAHM for many years, but have started working from home again. My spouse comes home, and he goes to bed. He spends a huge amount of time laying down, playing computer games, and I can count on one hand the number of times he's helped around the house in the past few months. That wouldn't be so bad, but it's his attitude that is upsetting. He yell at me ( he says he's not) if he thinks something should be a certain way but isn't. He doesn't call me names or anything like that. He just yells about how the housework isn't getting done, how the kitchen isn't organized they way he thinks it should be, if he can't find something he's looking for, etc. a lot of the time I just ignore the yelling, but the other day it got to a point where I brought it up to him. that and that he doesn't help around the house. He didn't take it all that well,but afterwards, we were both much happier. I don't know where this behavior comes from, or what to do.In some ways, i think he saw it in his parents ( think archie bunker from all in the family) and I don't know how to make things better. We did have counseling several years ago after he'd had a very brief affair. To be fair, I am not the perfect wife, but this has gotten to a point where a change needs to come, as I'm tired. If we talk about it calmly, it turn into me listening to monologue about how he's feeling, what he feels is wrong,and I barely get a chance to speak. If I get angry, he shuts down and says

I realized that I left a few points out. First, when I say he spends a lot of time in bed, I mean he spends at least 11 hours a day laying down, either watching tv or playing computer games. he' also about 60 pounds overweight. the other evening when we talked, he said he'd try o not to yell anymore,but last night, he was right back at it.

Sorry about the delay (it's because you 'replied' to your own opening post, making it appear you'd been taken care of already). ****** Define 'good man'. Do you mean, with his mouth (blah-blah-blah)? Or the fact he works hard at his career? Well - would he be doing any different if he were single? Why doesn't your husband just jump into a box and get you to nail the lid on, every evening? What are you calling a difficult and stressful job that could even part-way justify his expecting his family to do all the rowing of that entire little boat while he goes below decks to please himself and take it easy? Who the hell does he think he is - he has no RIGHT to criticise your style of rowing! I would be saying, 'Well, why don't you show me how it should be done, then, Superman?!'. But that's me (heh..). I don't take sh*te from anyone, least of all someone from whom I shouldn't, 9 times out of 10, expect it. (Spoiled little baby, pff.) Pending your answer, I'd say if he can't cope with both life facets and only one is replaceable - "duh?", the solution should be obvious to him, shouldn't it? In the meantime, what do *you* say or do when he behaves like that? Hang on a cotton pickin' minute - affair? VERY BRIEF? What - as in, *too* brief? You SURE-sure-sure it's puter games he's engrossing himself in? And are you SURE-sure-sure its criticism coming at you as opposed to guilty conscience every time he looks at you? Sorry, but it has to be asked, just in case. Especially what with you having made a point of saying it's been happening for, i.e. BEGAN, the last few months.

I agree with soulmate above. An affair is never a good sign, I should know, I have had an EA, and my ex wife had a physical one on me. The shouting and disrespect, and gaming/computer use is a big red flag. You need to get to the bottom of it. How exactly is he satisfying your needs? If he is overweight and ignoring you now, it will not get better. He has probably tuned out of the relationship, and is content with you carrying it all. Not good. He needs to carry his weight in this relationship, he clearly isn't. Seek joint counselling, if he refuses, you have your answer already. If he is invested in you and your relationship, he will go. You mentioned you are not perfect, would you care to expand on that, so I have some further context? Hope this helps

"Seek joint counselling, if he refuses, you have your answer already. If he is invested in you and your relationship, he will go." (Assuming he doesn't have a plausible reason behind his refusal, like an atypically off-putting past experience/result in that regard -) YUP, agree! Acid Test City!