I never thought I'd be a cheater

Im going to try and keep it simple but i need as much advice as possible. I havent told a sole about this and dont know where to turn. I have been in the happiest of relationships for nearly 4 years and i can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I am 22 and we havent moved in together but it is on the cards for one day as eveything was perfect until September 2015. He had a serious car accident and someone was killed. Being his girlfriend since then has been the hardest thing in the world and i have depression and anxiety as a result. i have to be so strong and there is of course a huge court case hanging over us which could result in a driving ban or even prison for my wonderful boyfriend. In June 2016 we had a new manager at work and we got on straight away, you could tell he was a player so i stayed well clear for a long time but we got closer and we kissed in December. Knowing he was a cheater and a player i tried to stay away but i couldnt. We spent a lot of time together as just friends and something just clicks with us and then on xmas eve we slept together. I felt bad but i didnt at the same time, i felt numb to it actually. Bascially we are still sleeping together and there is something different about us, BUT the worst thing is... hes engaged. She lives in turkey so they don't see each other much but even though nothing is booked he says hes getting married in September and im dreading it. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?! HELP.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. This is my first time being on this site and I'm coming to your thread because of my own issues. I have been having an affair for a while now. I married an emotionally unavailable man 8 years ago and life has been constant chaos since. For me, I know that I'm someone who needs to be noticed, cherished, seen. My husband is addicted to gaming and doesn't really "see" me most of the time. When I was younger, I'd choose bad coping skills to deal with not feeling seen or important. May I venture a guess that you don't feel seen or noticed by your boyfriend? Maybe the car accident took a piece of him away from you and now you aren't sure who he is anymore? Much less who you are... I'm saying all this based on what my experience is. If this is not your experience, I do apologize and do not want to assume anything. I just know... for women who were hurt in some big or small way in our past..... and I think we all have... we have this void in ourselves... and we try to fill it with a man. I do, anyway. I didn't feel important anymore to my husband and I strayed. Many times. I told myself I was in love with these men. I'm still struggling. So I can't tell you what to do. I just wanted to tell you I understand. I know the guilt, the feeling of helplessness, the "what the hell am I doing?" but feeling unable to stop because you are just so desperate to be loved... That journey of realizing no person can fill that void is a journey everyone takes on their own. It's individual. I just want you to know I am hoping that your journey through this will be full of guidance of some kind... I know how awful it can be. Yet it can seem so fulfilling, can't it. My thoughts are with you. -S&B

The difference between you STRONGANDBROKEN and MIMI2721 are you're married and she's not. Cheating is never the right thing to do. Did you ever have a talk with your husband before you strayed? Maybe you did I dunno, some would suggest counciling others say it doesn't help. I'm not trying to beat you up here as this isn't your thread. MIMI you might want to break off on that affair toot sweet. If his fiance found out you'd be in some big trouble. Who knows she might be phsyco girl.

Hello STRONGANDBROKEN, thank you for your reply. You are very right in that he hasnt been the same since the accident, my whole life has been turned upside down. and his of course. and i cant bare to think about what i would be putting him through mentally if he found out. I know i need to break it off but its not going to be easy at all and now its not just about the sex for me, and i feel like hes trying to say its more than just about sex with me too. the biggest problem is that i see him every day at work and theres no denying that theres a strong connection. I dont think want a relationship with the affair man but if he broke it off with the fiance and wanted to start something i'd be very interested. HOW DO I STOP? HOW DO I STOP FEELINGS THAT ARE STRONGLY SNOWBALLING? I just cant imagine my life without my boyfriend and i never thought id be a cheater...