What should I do

Hi! I need advice, i think I have a problem I have a partner which is in Moment in another country better said for half an year, he didn’t have to go but is really good money there, and he decided he will give a try. I am here all alone trying to be strong, my biggest fear is to be alone... I feel that I don’t want to live anymore that nothing make me happy, I feel like I am here for no reason, my boyfriend loves me but more I become depressed more I drink and I loose myself in that bad habit and when I drink I am loosing as well self control whatsoever. I feel like I am most a attractive I feel like making out with other men. Next morning I wake up and I feel so shity what I have done last night, I am regreting Problem is I cheated on my boyfriend before while being drunk and I confessed him and I told him what I have done I felt awful, but now he is again away and I Got drunk last night and I again cheated on him. I don’t want to loose him if I confess again I will damaged him, if not that I damage myself with regrets, I love him but I don’t want to destroy his life I don’t want to drink I don’t want to live anymore like that alone and he is gone ... I feel like I don’t even now what I am doing anymore, can I be mentally ill I drink maybe 2x a week but I lose control all the time ... and it’s horrible should I leave him though we are planning family together and I know if I stop drinking I will never cheat on him again. I am scared when I loose him it will be more bad then now. I love him but I don’t know why I drink and why I cheat... I feel like another person is taking control on my body . Like I am totally someone else when I drink careless, awful person. Please help me someone 1: Tell him, and damaged him, 2: stop drinking and don’t tell him so he will be happy and by time I will be happy as well. 3: break up with him without telling him the truth. What I think is very cowardly option

I am 26, I LIVE somewhere Where It doesn’t really make me happy. My BF, is very good guy I think the best guy what I had till now, but yes I am curious about mine own sexuality I don’t think I am fully satisfied with him. I tried to talk, to solve the problem but he can’t change who he is and I can’t change myself either. I am scared to be alone, I truly prefer to be with someone who can give me life of happiness and love then with someone just for one night. I think problem is Alkohol and the place where I currently am. I am scared to go away, because my current BF is from here and if I go away to place where is my family I don’t think I am going to be able to meet him offen how I want when he come back. On one hand I want to change something in my life and on other I am scared I will regret that, and I won’t again find such a good and loving BF. Thank you for your advice

Please please talk to a counselor, that is all very destructive behaviour and could lead to worse things if you don't get the proper help.

So I did nôt go straight from my parents to live with my boyfriend and I don’t expect him to take care about me I am very self capable woman I am taking care of myself from my 16 years when my mum went to work abroad as well. And I had to care for my sister and my grandmother etc. So I was a lot of time alone at my childhood I think that might be problem why I am so scared to be alone because I was alone all my life and it didn’t make me happy. I love my family and friends and I love to spend time with them. But I live in other place like then I am one hour from my mum what is not so bad but I live in mountains and there is not so much staff to do. I live here because I have a good paid job here and my BF. Which is now abroad but he is originally from here. I think best think for me will be definitely stop drinking and focus on something else, I decided to don’t tell him at least not now, I want to wait when he will come back and then see what it will be like. How will be feelings, He is soldier so he is locked in the camp with no women, so I don’t think he is cheating on me but is definitely easier for him to be faithful then for me when my feelings are already colder and I everyday meet someone new and interesting our conversation is not very fulfilling either we just write abou when we went sleep and how I work... I am still not sure what make me happy thank you guys for every advice I appreciate it very much