Seperated from my wife

My wife and I have been married for 8 years, together for 13. In the last 3 years things haven’t always been great, we have bickered, both had periods of unhappiness and become more distant with each other. I blame myself more because I have not paid her enough attention nor showed her enough affection. In this time there have been 2 occasions where we have talked things through and agreed to give it another go; to my shame I have made an effort for a few weeks or months and then gone back to my old ways. On Friday(7th January) she came home from work and said she wanted us to separate, that life was too short to be unhappy and that unless I really,really wanted to give it one more go than that was it. I said maybe it would be better if we parted. On the Saturday we talked some more and she said she had never felt that spark between us (that really hurt)and that I was never really her type and that this was ultimately for the best. On Saturday night I felt absolutely s**t and thought “if this is the right answer then why do I feel so bad?” So on the Sunday I said I wanted to give it another go, she said no, that I was only saying it through fear of being on my own (not true), that we are too different and we just rub each other up the wrong way. When I came home from work on Monday she said“don’t take this the wrong way but I may apply for a legal separation and I can give you money now for a flat if you want”. I replied “wouldn’t you rather wait for a divorce before sorting the money side of things out”. Monday night she was upset, saying she was sorry and that she knew she was upsetting me and she said “maybe we both need time and space apart to sort our heads out”. On Wednesday(11th January) I moved all my stuff out and went back to my parents.I have seen her twice to pick up mail but the conversation was just a polite one really. What is muddying the waters a bit is that she has had her head turned by another guy in work. On the weekend of the 8thand 9th January she had asked me to have a look at her new phone as it wasn’t playing music properly. I went upstairs put my hand in her bag and pulled out what I thought was her phone but was in actuality an iPod and she doesn’t own one. I pressed a button and this guy’s name came up,I looked at the playlists and saw there were 7 called Marie, Marie 2, Marie 3,etc. (Marie is my wife’s name by the way). I clicked on some of the playlists and some of the songs were love songs, Wonderful Tonight, You Do Something to Me, etc. Some of the love songs would not be her choice of music by the way. I went downstairs and asked her if she had her head turned, she said no, I told her about the iPod and the songs I had found and she admitted that she had her head turned, that she was sorry that she had her head turned and that she was sorry I had found out that way. She insists nothing has happened (and I believe her), that this guy has flattered her and she has flirted with him because I wasn’t giving her enough attention. She has said this guy flirts with all the women but probably more so with her. She actually said to me “he is not the type of guy you would have a proper relationship with”. At the moment I am going through a whole range of conflicting emotions, I am gutted, a bit angry, regretful, all kinds really. I honestly think she has made her mind up that she wants a divorce and that the separation is just an easy way out for now and that in a couple of months she will say she wants a divorce. I am absolutely heartbroken. Sorry for going on but I needed to get this off my chest. Anyone else who has had a break up and can offer advice I’d be grateful. Rob

Rob, you sound unhappy with your decision to part with your wife and it doesn't sound like you want to really,really give it one more go. Rob,when you say periods of unhappiness what do you mean. You need to decide what you want. Do you want to work on the marriage or do you want out of the marriage. You are not a victim you make your choices and the consequences that go with those choices depends on the choices you make. It sounds like the ball is your court and it's up to you to decide if the marriage is worth working on or not. You can play the game of life with sweaty palms like a yo-yo with an off and on again marriage but without real committment to working on the marriage you are flocking a dead horse.