Please help me !

Hi, I am a 47 year woman married for 27 years. My husband is a good man, but an extremely busy one. Im a reasonably good looking woman, people often mistake me for a woman in her thirties. I have a daughter who is abroad working. I am a professor myself but quit my job once I turned 45. Presently I teach kids for free from home. I stay in Chennia, India. My husband travels very frequently to Jaipuron official trips and stays in a 5 star hotel . Since Im not working anymore, he takes me to these trips so I can enjoy the hotel stay. I started accompanying him from the last one year, post pandamic severity. Though I would do nothing sitting in the hotel, I would engage myself by working out, reading books etc that I couldnot do while I was raising my kid and working. Since my husband has been going to the same hotel for over 3 years now, the entire hotel staff became close to him almost like a family. So when i started accompanying him every month for a week, slowly we all became close to each other and we would do small-talk etc., The entire hotel would respect us, love us for being such loyal clients. Now, in this process of 'making friends' I came across the executive chef of the hotel who is extremely charming and appeared to be very caring and respectful. Husband and I loved him a lot, the man too would show great admiration towards us. I would hardly spoke to him directly, always asked what I wanted through my husband never directly with the chef. but I admired his hardwork, extreme passion towards his woek and would often say to my husband. After almost 6 months of my visit to the hotel, on one of my visits, I received a bunch of goodies from the exec chef with a note saying that he would be happy to cook anything special I needed. This is normally done to all guests so I thanked him on whats app( took number from my husband) saying how much happy I was. To my surprise, the chef replied saying ' Good afternoon'. I didnot know why he didnot acknowledge my message but didnot respond to good afternoon too. we left the hotel after a day only to return after a month. ( in the meanwhile I started following him on instagram and he followed me back.) This time, the exe.chef came to me directly during breakfast time and asked me if I wanted something special before my husband . When I later thanked him on whats app, this time he replied saying ' many thanks , Ria ' I felt very odd because he would always address me as madam . So calling me by first name sounded weird. When I told my husband, he brushed it off saying it could be a mistake. Later when I tagged the chef and the hotel on instagram for the wonderful cake he got baked for me, he loved all my stories and asked me to send message on whats app. I was so confused and wondered why I should be sending a message to him at all. But I didnot send any message. The next day he asked me why I havent sent and that he was waiting. So for the sake of being polite i just sent a message saying ' good morning chef' to which he responded again by saying 'thank you Ria'. I felt really really odd. THIS TIME I DIDNOT TELL THIS TO MY HUSBAND. Later, he asked me to call him once but I said no. I was too overwhelmed with all this, felt something was def. wrong. Why would a exe. chef of the hotel would want to talk to talk to his guest's wife???? So I didnot call him. But, I DIDNOT TELL THIS TO MY HUSBAND. Now the chef continuously asked me to call him as that day was his day off. When I said I would chat but no call, he gave in and told me that he found me extremely fascinating and intriguing and he wants to be my friend. I didnot suspect anything then and said we can surely be friends. But as we started to chat that day, he slowly startd saying that he wanted to get 'close to me' and I should open up with him. I still thought he meant friendship and nothing else as I would not in my wildest of dreams believed that a guy in such senior most position at a super famous hotel could dare to ask sexual favours from a guest!!!!!!!!! Who would risk it? He begged me to call me once and NOT CHAT. I didnot call. BUt after going to my city, I did call him and after a series of calls, he expressed his desire to sleep with me !!!!!!! we are finally moving to jaipur in December and we wont be staying in the hotel anymore. When I told him about this, he was very happy as I would be moving to the same city as his. Till today, I dont understand why i didnot disconnect his call, didnot complain to the hotel superiors or even to my husband about this immediately. I did however told him that I really respected him admired him but I can never have sex with him. I can stay his friends forever. He said he wanted BOTH. friendship and sex. He didnot even want an affair. He said we could lead parallel lives without disturbing our families and have sex once a month !!!! I was shocked and though I denied doing anything like that, Im extremely upset that a man whom I thought was a gentleman a respectable man, a man whose discipline and virtues I adored wanted just sex from me and not friendship. Im so heartbroken. The things that happened in 3 months is: ----- He never called on his own, he called only when I requested ----- he never initiated any whats app messages ( except on the first two days) ---- I started to beg him to be my friend and not a sexual partner Lat month on my birthday we were again at the hotel and he made sure that everyone in the hotel wished me, he too wished me with a broad smile on his face and spoke to my hubby as if nothing happened. I again sent him a message asking him if we are friends and if yes whey we arent in touch. After much begging, he said that we were 'cool and same'. He likes all my posts on Instagram, I do the same but he never calls/texts me on his own. It has been the same since the day one though he said he was interested in my sexually. HE is super busy, works for 14 hours daily . last week he called me suddenly and said that he cant be with me and he went to meet his family and things changed and he wants a chef anf guest relationship only. I was shocked but he disconnected. I begged him again asking if we can still be friends but he kept addressing me as 'madam' and said he respects me as a guest. No friendship. I was shattered but told him that I bought him some Christmas gifts already and if I can give to him. He said I can as guests give gifts to chef. I went to the hotel and gave him the gifts wherein I included a note saying that I was ready to get close to him as i would be moving to his city on December 26. He sent a message saying the gifts are awesome and he appreciated the note. I just liked his message. He asked me if Im doing well. I said it doesnot matter. from then till today ( 9 days) he has been sending me good morning every day at 8 am sharp. I respond saying the same. Nothing more. I dont know why he sending me these messages when he said he wants only guest, host relationship now. Moreover he never ever initiated any such message ever. Is he throwing some friendship crumbs because i gave him expensive gifts? He is the one who said he loves his family and cant be in touch with me. No friendship too. Then what changed in a week? The contents of the letter? But he said his family is imp to him and now he sends only GM messages. Also i stopped liking his pics on instagram and I stopped posting on my insta too. Im very depressed. What are this man's intentions now?

What the heck are YOUR intentions? You hint at this moral indignation that he'd stray from his marriage and have sex with a guest - and when he pulls back and says it's not going to happen, you're offended at THAT, too! He doesn't want a friend. He HAS friends. He wants sex with someone new and I guess (?) that's not you. It looks like you are playing a very dangerous game here. You want the flattery and attention a lover provides, but you don't want to cross that moral line. You seem oblivious to the idea that continuing the "friendship" in many cases WILL lead to an affair. HE KNOWS that, even if YOU are unwilling (it seems) to acknowledge it. So, he's done the right thing: he is not going to pursue you, and he is not even going to engage in a friendship because he knows he will be tempted, and so will you. If you want friends, make friends with the women in your new city, or the parents of the children you tutor. Stop playing at being a single woman flirting, getting and giving gifts to a man to get his attention. By the way, NO JUDGEMENT HERE. I've been where you are, so I know how things play out. If you don't want to have an affair, don't buy presents and continue to communicate with a man when your husband isn't aware of the situation. It's mighty peculiar for you to be SO VERY INVESTED in having this PARTICULAR MAN be your friend, to the exclusion of everyone else. Check you own motives, honey.

"Now, in this process of 'making friends' I came across the executive chef of the hotel who is extremely charming and appeared to be very caring and respectful. Husband and I loved him a lot, the man too would show great admiration towards us. I would hardly spoke to him directly, always asked what I wanted through my husband never directly with the chef. but I admired his hardwork, extreme passion towards his woek and would often say to my husband." Hi, You must see that, the fact you're finding yourself CAPABLE of being attracted to or drawn by a man other than your husband, makes it patently obvious that your marriage is in trouble, specifically, not making you happy. But this itself is just a symptom. You've recently 'lost' your baby, thus your major role and sense of identity, plus ceased being part of the working-commuter scene, making a double-whammy (two holes) and like all mums at your stage, feel the huge void and haven't a clue (yet) how to fill it. Creativity is sparked, if not by inspiration, then, by boredom. Boredom is a horrid feeling...it counts as stress and (unattended) can even push you into depression. You haven't been bored and at a loss for quite long enough to be sparked into myriad ideas - despite they always do come (hence why all retired people don't immediately end up topping themselves...logical when you think about, yeah?). You're impatient, yet suffering from boredom-induced ennui so somewhat 'paralised' against 'getting off your bum'. Plus, Not Knowing (in your case, what you want to do with this next stage (early retirement)) is always a killer, for everyone, which makes you feel desperate to make the cluelessness and restlessness (or even mild panic) stop...to the degree where you can end up desperately grabbing for the first, adequately-mentally-stimulating distraction aid that presents itself (this case - on-legs). You're at a crossroads. What you want to do is "go back", rather than Left, Right or Ahead. But you can't go back because your career-husband-lover isn't at retirement point so barely available (albeit tries to include you - Tick! for him). You've DONE that romance malarchy already! Don't you want to "be single" again - but Singledom Phase 2? You haven't got a clue what awaits you - even if you DIDN'T eventually manage to lift a finger - even for another year. Why is it people always-always forget that what develops or happens to us in life is NOT solely and exclusively down to us and what we do/make happen?...especially when, time and time again - when you stop to look back - you can very quickly run out of fingers when counting up all the experiences that BEFELL you during your lifetime, usually having hit you from completely Left-field! However, Fate won't do that until you're mentally ready for it to happen...to be receptive to any opportunity that gets dropped onto your path. What you DON'T need, however, is to ruin your marriage. Nor especially with a nasty git wearing a charmer's mask like THAT! This chef is WELL AWARE that you are a married woman, and has even interacted many a time with your husband. What kind of man would want to devastate another man by swooping in and PREYING on his troubled marriage, which isn't even strictly IN trouble, per se, but just necessarily involved in your personal development process? Ugh! Do not believe his Lovely Guy act. He probably just wants to get his leg over. And anyway - chef? Maybe not in himself, but, compared to your husband - what is he supposed to become to you? Your bit of rough? NO sex or romance is worth losing your main family member for. Nuh-UH. FAR too few people end up saying, I'm really pleased I had that affair. A male romantic partner whom from the Off comes with a duplicitous, immoral, etc., etc., basically sleazy, sneaky, over-entitled, arrogant (more etceteras!) attitude MAKETH NOT a healthy foundation-building partner - quite the opposite. He just wants to take and, sod who gets hurt in the process. Furthermore, what kind of man wants (scuse French) Sloppy 2nds? He is unhealthy-minded on so many levels. He would have his fun and then discard you, meaning, you'd end up worse off than you are now. Caring and respectful, my arse! He's willing to sabotage yours, your husband's AND your daughter's (even adult kids are traumatised when their parents split up!), past, present and future life and lifestyle, mental and emotional welfare, financial standing, social circle...life as you have come to know it and worked hard for, plus everything you believed in. Next point is: What kind of married woman.... but I've already explained that. So because of being stuck at a crossroads but unaware of such (hopefully not now) - this puts one into a mental and emotional state called *VULNERABLE*. Nasty-pieces-of-work predators always swoop on *Strong* Women In An Uncharacteristically VULNERABLE Place/Situation/State. Usually in mourning.... for a recently failed relationship or in your case, a massive change plus above-mentioned losses (and no doubt dashed expectations if you imagined you and hubbie would immediately enjoy a second honeymoon period once daughter moved out). The signs and signals are all in the woman's face, posture, behaviour, habits/routines (in your case, in your daily 'movements' and lack of such). He knows you're in a typically vulnerable place ("Bored Housewife") thus susceptible to 'peer-pressure' aka persuasion and seduction (as well as charm, flattery, attention etc.). COME PLAY WITH ME, he seems to be saying. Uusally, the excitement you feel at that, is BECAUSE, unbeknownst to you on the conscious level (tho your inner animal knows/suspects full-well), he is a social Predator, which ("stranger danger") is a darn sight more exciting and mentally engaging than playing Prisoner Cell Block H (for Hotel....swanky or not, the novelty tends to pale very quickly on its own). You're vulnerable. I repeat: you (like anyone in your position) are - psychological fact - VULERABLE. And because this has been continuing for a while - now HIGHLY. WELL, LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING OF DOING AND RISKING AND, THERE YOU GO, CASE CLOSED! May as well just jump off a cliff and be done with it! He's responding to that by trying to swoop, like all predators do. To take serious advantage of you. Five Star? In that case, he deserves to be fired for even THINKING about having an affair with one of their most regular and appreciated, married guests. (What kind of reviews would your cheated-on husband give that hotel afterwards, do you think?...and you'd better bet that truth ALWAYS comes out - When, Not If!..."Don't ever stay at this hotel because the staff hit on your wives and ruin your life!") He knows it. And that's why he's trying to prey on you. Because, if his bosses found out, sacked is what he'd be. How to get around this? Sh*g a woman who has her own reasons to keep it all top-secret, forever-Amen. (Trust me, since time immemorial, this is a VERY well-worn Player-Predator ploy and plot that you're unawares falling for.) You're vulnerable....isolated from your usual 'pack' (thus without the usual protection) for hours at a time, day-in-day-out....in swoops the predator to pick you off, gorge on you, then, having had his fill, discard/abandon your empty carcass. (I say - how romantic!) Your husband doesn't deserve that, either, by the sounds. I say 'either' because neither do you,...when all you are is lost and in the dark, and not enjoying the practically non-stop, daily, negative and worrying sensations that brings. But the loser in this here typical, "old chestnut" production - AFTER YOUR DAUGHTER - will be you. Daughter first because...you and your then ex-husband will eventually find a replacement romantic partner. She can NOT - EVER - replace her "Mum 'N Dad" unit because there's only ever one. Cheffie-poo-poos won't give a sh*t. I'm betting he'll have probably sh*gged most of the female guests (and staff, probably) that frequent the place by now. (Ask yourself: is he ACTING amateur? Is he ACTING like this is a first-time happening? He's not, is he. CASE CLOSED!) Your husband will. A giant one. But won't forgive you (men aren't half as forgiving over this sort of thing as women because their egos are more fragile and can't take it, whereas women come programmed with a far more 'insultable' ego, ready for, potentially, a whole houseful, of frequently ego-insulting little kids). You might permanently dent or downright destroy your good relationship with your daughter because of it, too. Good God - even taking up knitting would be preferable! Or, here's an idea! - if this chef would have you believe he rates you and your company so much, and you're such frequent thus trusted and respected guests - how's about he acknowledges the fact you're long-married and instead gives you a part-time job in the kitchen or dining-room whenever you visit? That way you'll be productively distracted AND PAID for it (gain versus the very real risk of massive personal and financial loss/halving). For you, he is just a distraction aid in human form - seemingly instant...on a plate...no real mental work or physical effort involved - how cushy and how well-timed! (nope because it's by design - his). Yes, it's tempting. But resisting will (obviously) be a component of this life-stage path-ette of yours, for building better mental muscle (self-discipline AND self-compassion not to keep pressuring yourself to have to "fix" anything new now-now-now). So that's your huge motivation not to bite his baited hook and end up a notch on his bedpost...Now let's analyse him and his behaviour" up-close (ew)... (Wish me luck - I'm going in) ************************************************************* "After almost 6 months of my visit to the hotel, on one of my visits, I received a bunch of goodies from the exec chef with a note saying that he would be happy to cook anything special I needed. This is normally done to all guests so I thanked him on whats app( took number from my husband) saying how much happy I was. To my surprise, the chef replied saying ' Good afternoon'. I didnot know why he didnot acknowledge my message but didnot respond to good afternoon too." 1. This failure to act (respond to his good afternoon) was proof-positive expression of your first, CORRECT, gut instinct ("OMG, No Way - Predator!"). It's a typical Prey first-reaction. Out of Fight v Flight v Fawn V Freeze - you chose Freeze. Do you think Freezing would be a normal reaction for a woman to experience were the man NOT a predator? Think about it (- you want summat to do - I'll give you loads! LOL) 2. The reason why he didn't acknowledge your message was because he had his predator's laser-beam focus on his agenda and getting you to fulfill it (free sh*g with no consequences). (I know he's making you feel special but, you're really not...not to him...he lacks the brain parts to consider anyone else special - go Google Narcissistic Player). "we left the hotel after a day only to return after a month. ( in the meanwhile I started following him on instagram and he followed me back.)" Oh, so you're Tarzan and he, Jane? Is that how it goes? You woo him? YES. Because that way, he can claim YOU PURSUED HIM, IT WASN'T HIS FAULT OR DOING, HE'S THE MISLED/PERSUADED VICTIM OF YOU. (Again, well-worn script.) "This time, the exe.chef came to me directly during breakfast time and asked me if I wanted something special before my husband . When I later thanked him on whats app, this time he replied saying ' many thanks , Ria ' I felt very odd because he would always address me as madam . So calling me by first name sounded weird. When I told my husband, he brushed it off saying it could be a mistake." 3. Yes, because neither your husband nor anyone would even have it OCCUR to them that a chef from a presumably highly reputable, upstanding hotel would ALLOW any of its staff of whatever rank to even CONSIDER such a shoddy, sleazy, cheap, nasty thing towards one of its most prized, "bread & butter" clients, as making serious moves on his wife! As for Chafe-I mean, Chef (ugh) - he took a liberty, aka, trampled a boundary of yours without permission. (Look. He's a Malignant (i.e. other-ruinously selfish) Narcissist, okay? He bears ALL the hallmarks! He couldn't give me that impression any more strongly if he tried! A normal (but mixed-up) bloke would at least address you befittingly and then ASK. This bozo just HELPED HIMSELF. And he also thinks he's above a typical 5-star hotel's AND DECENT SOCIETY'S rules of staff conduct (anti-social) so he's probably a malignant narcissistic Sociopath (worse...means he's after siphoing or stealing your money as well). Starting to see it now? Maybe the one thing you and he have in common is through the fact he's bored... of chef-ing (or working full-stop) (they're gobsmackingly lazy and over-entitled). "Later when I tagged the chef and the hotel on instagram for the wonderful cake he got baked for me, he loved all my stories and asked me to send message on whats app.W It's called chatting you up. (I imagine that he is the one who has taken on the hotel's social media accounts - so that he has the control to keep his superiors' eyes off the goings-on.) "I was so confused and wondered why I should be sending a message to him at all." GIANT RED-FLAG. Virtually ALL would-be victims find themselves wondering, what on earth am I doing and why can't I stop myself! (- which I've now explained why). "But I didnot send any message." Oh, thank God for that! (I've not been reading ahead, bar the first para as told me this was one for letting myself be surprised/shocked at to unleash my emotional reactios.) "The next day he asked me why I havent sent and that he was waiting." Who the eff do you think you are, you sneaky, devious, demanding, jumped-up, giant snake-in-the-grass t*sser! (Sorry, couldn't hold it in.) (FYI when I start talking DIRECTLY TO the predator - aggressively and threateningly (because I have the urge to punch his face or kick him in the phee-phoos) - it's not a good sign and tells me I'm utterly correct about what they are and what they're up to as is putting someone's life in jeopardy. They're the only 'people' on the planet that I don't like or hate OR get aggressive at.) But anyway, in terms of how YOU reacted AND responded (felt then thought hence any outward action suppressed/ignored) - GIANT, VICTIM RED FLAG NUMBER TWO. "So for the sake of being polite i just sent a message saying ' good morning chef'" Lllike it! :-) I must now apologise if any of the above sounded patronising or condescending....I didn't know you were this classy and above-avg intelligent. (Phew!) "to which he responded again by saying 'thank you Ria'." (F*CK RIGHT OFF, UGH!) "I felt really really odd. THIS TIME I DIDNOT TELL THIS TO MY HUSBAND." There you go. Own evidence. This bozo isn't NEARLY sophisticated enough for you, hence his approach GRATED on you as WOKE YOU UP AND BROKE THE SPELL from the Sociopathic (not kidding here) Hypnotic effect! You might have assumed it was because it was time to classify it a Secret. Nuh-uh. This is aother victim behaviour and it's actually, you knowing full-well if your husband DID cotton-on, he'd be chasing after the guy with a very big stick and all Hell would break loose. "Later, he asked me to call him once but I said no." Asked YOU to be the caller, the SEEMING Predator to his wickle victim whom simply wasn't stwong enuff to wesist da power of your charms (poor wickle boy chefie) (puke). "SHE RANG *ME*...SHE CHASED *ME*...IT WAS ALL HER IDEA, IT WASN'T MY FAULT, ANY OF IT!" "I was too overwhelmed with all this, felt something was def. wrong." Yessss! Nice one! (In your face, sleazebag!) (Predator 0 : Prey 2) "Why would a exe. chef of the hotel would want to talk to talk to his guest's wife????" There ya go, there it is, she's awake, cheers all round! :-) "So I didnot call him. But, I DIDNOT TELL THIS TO MY HUSBAND." Refer to above explanation. Anyway, it doesn't matter (don't think...still not reading ahead). Because the simple fact is: seeing OFF an attempted predator has now become your (more befittingly upstanding) project - haha and a giant middle finger to him! I'm starting to chuckle now - that's a brilliant sign. "Now the chef continuously asked me to call him as that day was his day off." Continuously. Yup. It's called Stalking, which is the speciality of the Sociopathic, (so-called) Romantic, Predator/Conman. (FYI at this point: it's your husband he's seethingly aka Pathologically envious of. You are the boxing-glove he wishes to knock-out your "smug, rich basstd" husband with. It was never about you. He wants to "show" your husband who's boss, regardless of income....take him down a giant peg or 10.) "When I said I would chat but no call, he gave in and told me that he found me extremely fascinating and intriguing and he wants to be my friend." (And I'm the pigging Pope.) No being tactful, careful, cautious, note? No need. This well-worn ploy and script usually works like a dream. "I didnot suspect anything then and said we can surely be friends." Ah-hah - a leakage! So what you ACTUALLY want and need these days IS JUST A BESSIE FRIEND! Oh, well that's perfectly easily achievable! But anyway, back to the snakepit... (PS so you and your daughter were like best friends, presumably?) "But as we started to chat that day, he slowly startd saying that he wanted to get 'close to me' and I should open up with him." UGH! His name isn't Manuel or something, is it? So creepy, cheesy and sleazy, ew!...cliche on-legs. "I still thought he meant friendship and nothing else as I would not in my wildest of dreams believed that a guy in such senior most position at a super famous hotel could dare to ask sexual favours from a guest!!!!!!!!! Who would risk it?" Yes, as I went on and on about myself, up there! Absolutely! "He begged me to call me once and NOT CHAT. I didnot call. BUt after going to my city, I did call him" (Just out of interest now -) victim-characteristic behavioural red flag 3. It's called, examinining the morbidly-fascinating specimen but only once at a safer distance. "and after a series of calls, he expressed his desire to sleep with me !!!!!!! we are finally moving to jaipur in December and we wont be staying in the hotel anymore. When I told him about this, he was very happy as I would be moving to the same city as his." Yuck. And phewee! Tell him to ugger-off and flatter himself out of mere arrogant assumption, on his own time. (In fact, give me the hotel number and I'll tell him! LOL) "Till today, I dont understand why i didnot disconnect his call, didnot complain to the hotel superiors or even to my husband about this immediately. I did however told him that I really respected him admired him but I can never have sex with him. I can stay his friends forever. He said he wanted BOTH. friendship and sex. He didnot even want an affair. He said we could lead parallel lives without disturbing our families and have sex once a month !!!!" Because, as said, they're morbidly fascinating, thrilling (from a distance, including that of initial meeting distance) as well as hypnotic as well as HIGHLY good at identifying gaping needs (predator senses) as well as highly manipulative, dramatic, fake-charming and the rest. Do go google. Try Jennifer Smith blog or site, called, TrueLoveScam. Here.... https://www.truelovescam.com/3-reasons-sociopaths-target-married-people/ ...you'll see. "I was shocked and though I denied doing anything like that, Im extremely upset that a man whom I thought was a gentleman a respectable man, a man whose discipline and virtues I adored wanted just sex from me and not friendship. Im so heartbroken." Waste of time when what you should be is (perversely) flattered. They like to take down prime specimens....alphas. Normally your type is inaccessible to a scumbag such as him. But not when they're Vulnerable. You don't have to look or sound vulnerable on the surface. Again - they can smell it...and there's their chance! HENCE THEY DON'T HANG AROUND, BUT "LOVE-BOMB" (go too fast, bull in china-shop, not taking No for an answer, stalking, trampling your boundaries/rules/stated wishes...meaniwhile setting the scene so that in the telling, YOU appear to be the predator so only YOU suffer consequences of THEIR reprehensible actions). "The things that happened in 3 months is: ----- He never called on his own, he called only when I requested ----- he never initiated any whats app messages ( except on the first two days) ---- I started to beg him to be my friend and not a sexual partner" Okay, so I didn't need to give you all those lengthy reactions, obs and explanations up there, but, hey - at least you now know I saw and felt everything you did and we can't both be wrong on conclusions over feelings THAT strong. It's all good. :-) "Lat month on my birthday" Happy Belated Birthday! "we were again at the hotel and he made sure that everyone in the hotel wished me, he too wished me with a broad smile on his face and spoke to my hubby as if nothing happened." Ugh. This was him trying to play it cool and pretend "stocks would not last if you didn't act soon". Again, typical tactic ("Take It Away"). It's still emotional manipulation attempt. "I again sent him a message asking him if we are friends and if yes whey we arent in touch. After much begging, he said that we were 'cool and same'. " In other words, he denied his stark change in behaviour. Typical. "He likes all my posts on Instagram, I do the same but he never calls/texts me on his own. It has been the same since the day one though he said he was interested in my sexually." Yuh. Now he's just keeping you warm-on-the-side - typical again. And the INSULT is working at this point, look. You feel duped, insulted.... so now your ego wants it's day in court and will PURSUE him to get it. He doesn't mind if this (trying to scratch a mental itch) is your catalyst. You chasing after him is the end (which justifies any means). Anything to make you come near again...so that he can get a handle on you to recommence the seduction and hypnosis effect etc. "HE is super busy, works for 14 hours daily . " Yah - in the hotel bedrooms more than his kitchen. But anyway, this is him using the Scarcity Principle. Basically playing unavailable, hard-to-get, the impression that possibly he's after some other female guest...again, a way to engage a person's ego, including their wanting answers, wanting justice. Anything to bring you back into his orbit of control...just - What You Want/Need (Now), dangled in front of you but just out of reach. Aka A Carrot. You HAVE justice already. He's a cook, palmed-off with a fancy, made-up title ("Executive"). If he were THAT senior and on THAT good a salary then he wouldn't have the time, let alone the need or inclination, to be worrying about chasing guest-skirt at every available opportunity AS WELL AS time on top to spare on keeping the social media tended to - think about it! Clearly one with no money or, worse, debts (they all always do). "last week he called me suddenly and said that he cant be with me" Sorry, have I misssed a bit where you and he arranged something? Or is this another ploy, whereby he claims you were wanting to and he read your mind (because the gross, jumped-up assumption would be too galling NOT to react to)? "and he went to meet his family and things changed and he wants a chef anf guest relationship only." Oh, well, according to the narrow script, that just means, either: (a) another female guest DID fall for it so you are now dispensible-with, or (b) he wants you to be convinced that's the case and (hah!) panic that you might lose this golden (ugh) opportunity to be his lover (one-night-stand I'll bet). "I was shocked but he disconnected. I begged him again asking if we can still be friends but he kept addressing me as 'madam' and said he respects me as a guest. No friendship. I was shattered but told him that I bought him some Christmas gifts already and if I can give to him. He said I can as guests give gifts to chef. I went to the hotel and gave him the gifts wherein I included a note saying that I was ready to get close to him as i would be moving to his city on December 26." Yeah, but be honest - it was just a test. Otherwise, why would you use such a vague term as "close to" when it applied just as equally in a plantonic friendship. I see what you were doing: counter-manipulating (agenda: explanation...justice...understanding...putting a past issue to bed finally). I also say that because, I now suspect that what you're doing - why you've faltered in front of your crossroads to your Next Life Stage - is because you're not yet emotionally ready (as in, free) to proceed. Reason being: you need to Re-Enact a past (narcissistic) relationship. Who was it? One of your parents? A best friend? Lover? Was it even a bloke? Who do you want to 'see if you can make it work with this time' just in a different body? Who's the past Narc of the Socipath variety? Because I'll tell you another fact for nothing: you could try to make a harmonious relationship/friendship with this past nasty a-hole, in ANY new but similar Narc individual and NONE of them would work out. Because NPD/NPD-AsPD is a mental illness/decificiency of the personality (and frontal lobes) as makes bonding/relationships IMPOSSIBLE for and with them...which is why they all behave/say/do/pursue the same things and are so easily spotted and identified by moi on here from this giant distance, AND as forces victims/targets to all behave/reply/react/falter over the same things. But anyway, back to (hopefully) the closing chapter of this sorry (but probably psychologically useful) saga... "He sent a message saying the gifts are awesome and he appreciated the note. I just liked his message. He asked me if Im doing well. I said it doesnot matter. from then till today ( 9 days) he has been sending me good morning every day at 8 am sharp." He can sense from "it does not matter", that you've cooled, hence need re-warming in order to stay kept warm-on-the-side (he'll get back to you later once he's finished with his present target). So he's commence re-Love-Bombing you aka heating you back up. "I respond saying the same. Nothing more. I dont know why he sending me these messages when he said he wants only guest, host relationship now. Moreover he never ever initiated any such message ever. Is he throwing some friendship crumbs because i gave him expensive gifts? He is the one who said he loves his family and cant be in touch with me. No friendship too. Then what changed in a week? The contents of the letter? But he said his family is imp to him and now he sends only GM messages. Also i stopped liking his pics on instagram and I stopped posting on my insta too. Im very depressed. What are this man's intentions now?" You're open to the possibility of keeping HIM warmed-on the-side (until you're ready to lure HIM in....to your Interrogation Room). I really-REALLY hope that my explanations and/or confirmations of your own workings-out or suspicions have helped quell your dire urge to interrogate him, so that you can now leave well alone... or better yet, suddenly cease all contact and thereby send him violently and ego-deflatingly into Narcissistic Rage so that it'll majorly put him off his whole game with other potential female-guest victims (and men too, probably - as you'll see from your internet surfs), and save other would-be victims from his clutches. You have NOT been rejected by a friendly chef. You have been marked as a (distracted) prime specimen - the type these human predators all want. Specifically, either a quick ego-boost (Narcissistic Supply) via a one or however-many night stand or a medium-term host to their parasite, OR a woman strong enough to ALSO be a great mum - so that when it comes to light that he's in fact, stuck at about only 5 years old, despite his body still kept growing, you will still have so much maternal instinct left that you won't mind enough to dump him (victims "aren't allowed" to dump them, they insist they're the dumper...hence why, because you didn't jump into his arms and bed like the usual sap, this equals Rejection, hence - in this whole mix - he has all-of-a-sudden, LIKE MAGIC, become the Rejector of the piece despite just 5 minutes ago YOU were!). Let it all sink in and let me know your thoughts. And WELL DONE! Feel guilty for NOTHING. This was never about romance, it was about carrying out a Post-Mortem so that you can bury that past body at the crossroads as you now start (soon) to walk ahead again.

Wow, you are so awesome. Thanks for taking time to analyse the situation in such great depth for a total stranger. Really thanks. I will read the entire message again and again. RIght now, Im just waiting for him to ask something more than a GM. I simply want to give him the same lecture he gave me when he called up last. I enver went after him, he did. I admired him from a distance, respected him a chef. He came into my life, took my admiration as an advantage and messed up my life. I couldnt say no because perhaps I am morally weak as well. Whatever it is, I never wanted sex, I wanted a friendship but he confused me for 2 months and called me up to deliver a moral lecture. The same lecture I gave to him a month ago but never disconnected with him. Now without any reasons or explanation he is giving me the same reason to 'break up' a relationship that never existed and I never wanted too. He said we must maintain A GUEST AND HOST RELATIONSHIP ONLY! WOW !And says no to friendship. Then again comes back with GM messages daily. Perhaps he throwing crumbs at me because I begged him for friendship. Or he knows I will be moving to his city soon so may be he wants to restart. I dont think he would restart because I WOULDNOT LET HIM. But I am not blocking him only because once he makes any move, I want to give him back which I never did till now even when he treated me as a sex object when I respected and sought a decent friendship. I simply want to know the intentions behind his sudden GMs adn why on earth a host is sending a guest GM messages even after the guest checked out of the hotel and the city. How professional is that?

There's an awful lot of outrage here - maybe my advanced age moderates some of it. Without diagnosing people I've never met (I'm not a doctor and don't even play one on TV!): Some men are dogs. They mate with anyone who is willing - and they're always on the lookout for the willing. And they're good at flattery, because that's the way they get what they want. AND truth be told, there ARE women who are willing to have no-strings-attached sex, too. So, maybe the tactic works out often enough to keep using it over and over. Targeting co-workers or customers/clients is professional Darwinism, but [stupid] people do it every day. If he's after sex (seems he is) he's under no obligation to be somebody's friend. It may be tacky, shallow, any number of things, but he's not obligated to be your friend. Given he's already shown his goal is to get you into bed, I CERTAINLY wouldn't work WITH HIM. And frankly, I give him credit for not trying to 'be your friend.' When I said, no judgement, I've been where you are, I really have. And the man in question said he'd never make me do anything I didn't want to do, but he admitted he'd probably still ASK. Being SOOOO offended that he doesn't want to be your friend is very puzzling to me. I was widowed at 50-something. While dating I met a few men who were nice fellows, even if they weren't a match for me. I don't have a lot of friends, and would have liked to have remained in contact with some of them. Only ONE did that, and it's very sporadic, maybe twice a year he emails me. Am I disappointed? Sure. Am I OFFENDED? No. these men weren't looking for friends. They were looking for a romantic partner, and when we didn't click, they moved on. If this is causing you SOOOOOO MUCH angst, maybe you should block him. Our fantasies of getting back at someone rarely work out the way we hope. Your time and certainly your energy would be better invested in people worthy of your attention.

Hi Priyanka - and OM, Not THAT awesome, I'm afraid - I'm always tardy these days (Brexit and Covid). But, thanks mucho, and I'm pleased to hear from the extent of your relief, that everything gelled and clicked so well into place. :-) I just want to address an observation OM made and then I'll respond to yours: "Being SOOOO offended that he doesn't want to be your friend is very puzzling to me." Yup. And to Ria, too. And yet - AH, but he DOES want to "be her friend (-with-Benefits)"...if the ruse will achieve his hidden, more nefarious, NON-trivial-gain aims. That's why he tells her can't be her lover as if being such had all along been all HER idea, which injustice (via Gaslighting, Turning The Tables, Stealing The Victim Cloak) obviously outrages. And yet 'five minutes later' he's DOING Lover (or at the very least, lifelong best male friend...point is, Over-Intimacy), with his, "good morning, good morning, good morning"... (prod prod prod...). How does that "No & No-Yes & Yes" make any sense, then? Answer: because when he said it, he was lying. He thought it'd trigger into panic and abandon, at the thought of sudden loss, and finally grab for him - all impulsively, without her usual due care, caution and guilty conscience. Also, a 'normal' Player would have given up long before that point. They're only after a shag or three, which neither warrants nor necessitates his intensity or duration ('so many women, so little time'). Bedpost Notch collection allows a faster turnover....so after the woman's 2nd/3rd No, it's, S*d her, who needs her anyway!, and onto the next sucker. Evidence therefore too strongly suggests he does need her...that this one isn't just after an affair. As aside from said inordinate time and effort he's been spending - he's willing to risk his job security, career path, industry reputation, salary, future plans... He can't possibly be after someone merely to steal the air from in order to inflate his constantly leaking ego and/or free sex-on-tap. To make potential/likely loss of an entire, enormous package worthwhile, as well as warrant that time/effort, he has got to be after a prize that outweighs it all. What has Ria got that he wants? Half of the marital (i.e. her husband's) wealth and assets (if he has his way). So I'm pleased you picked up on that - which, actually, is artificially-induced thus, as you point out, not a normal-sized reaction. It's all such subtle, overlookable little giveaways, which IDENTIFY (not diagnose) him and his affect and effect, as not just another bog-standard, commitmentphobic/immature Player. Here's another thing to notice, both of you: Maybe it's true he's allowed to accept gifts from guests and often does (- I'll BET!...and we know why!). But how does that apply here? I'm sure when it's a guest he's tried to 'interfere' with - no, it is NOT allowed. He knows there's a difference there - he's not ACTUALLY Five. And yet he took the gifts anyway. (Unscrupulous, much?) ************* I agree with OM about staying right away, though. If you were to try to get concrete revenge, you could unleash the monster in-full (and they deliberately go too far). But what you CAN do is tip him into Narcissistic Injury - invisibly injure him, privately. But that's assuming you didn't give away your new address and are 100% sure you won't be back to that hotel? All you need is the right comment as your parting gift. Something brief but loaded (and preferably both fast- and slow-burning). One that sounds very gentlewomanly, kind, dignified, even surface well-wishing, but which actually delivers a HUGE blow to his ego (of the type wouldn't bother a normal, healthy bloke, even if he were having an off day or year...or at least, not for more than a day). Let's all have a think, shall we? If we design it well enough it could, as I said, put him out of action for a very long time (insert world-domination type cackle). And let's have fun with it. Laughter still is the best medicine for healthies (and best Kryptonite for narcs). Are we game, Ladies?

Sorry, Priyanka - I've only just realised I did what he did in calling you Ria! Is it ok or do you prefer your alias?

Unless I'm missing something, nothing happened here. The OP didn't betray her vows to her husband, Chef doesn't want to [openly] pursue her and has, as I understand it, decided to re-commit to be faithful to his wife. (probably not too committed, and not for very long,) but the OP is out of the situation --if she wants to be. I'm working on being more forgiving and not holding grudges. (My desire for revenge is so ingrained, even *I* consider it a moral failing.) Guess I'm out. Some advice given to me when I was about to enter an ill-advised relationship: "The person who cares the least about the relationship has the most power." So, frankly that's all I've got.

PS: "I simply want to know the intentions behind his sudden GMs adn why on earth a host is sending a guest GM messages even after the guest checked out of the hotel and the city. How professional is that?" To keep you hooked and waiting, warm-on-the-side, ever-ready for if and whenever he decided he fancied getting you out of his toybox and playing with you. Spaths (this one's a Covert) can have up to 15 or so women (AND men! - they'll shag anyone and anything to get what they're after), kept warm-on-the-side, the day you meet them. Even if they have a spouse, they seem to think they're entitled to a Harem, any member of which they can visit and/or take from as frequently - or IN-frequently - as they fancy. What he started to do (as produced this "over-reaction" of yours, aka, Normal-Abormal Reaction to Abnormal Treatment & Behavour) is precisely the head-f**king style of baiting and hooking he's given each of them. NOT KIDDING. They're nutjobs. Total and utter fruit-loops. This "Power Over"-style Harem set-up is depicted in a stunning Chinese film, starring Gong Li, called "Raise The Red Lantern". Highly recommend it: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/raise_the_red_lantern "Teenage Songlian (Gong Li), whose family has been devastated by the recent death of her father, becomes the third concubine of wealthy Master Chen (Ma Jingwu). She soon discovers that behind the palatial luxury of life in the master's house, she and her fellow concubines, Zhuoyan (Cao Cuifeng) and Meishan (He Caifei), are pitted against each other in a struggle for his affections. The situation inevitably leads to deception, jealous rages and the revelation of each other's darkest secrets." Note: leaving aside your understandable thirst to stick it to him - his campaign didn't work on you, look. :-) ************** Shahida Arabi - PsycheCentral: https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/10/covert-sociopaths-and-narcissists#9 "Have you ever encountered a dating partner who swept you off your feet, courted you persistently and made over-the-top declarations about the way they felt about you only to discover they had a girlfriend or boyfriend all along? How about the ex who kept checking in with you over text while in bed with their spouse? Or the shady significant other who always seemed to disappear for days, only to return with excuses about their whereabouts? You may have come across a narcissistic or sociopathic personality type. Narcissists and sociopaths are notorious for engaging in both emotional and physical infidelity.Not only are narcissists players and pick-up artists in the dating world, they are also serial cheaters in relationships. In fact, a wealth of research suggests that narcissism is positively correlated with having extramarital affairs and more sexually permissive attitudes towards infidelity, even when there is satisfaction in the present relationship (Foster, Shrira, & Campbell, 2006;Hunyady, Josephs, & Jost, 2008; Mcnulty & Widman, 2014). The difference between your garden-variety cheater and the narcissist is that the narcissist isnt searching for just cheap thrills; they are searching for power and control beyond what is fathomable to normal empathic beings. Due to their stunning lack of empathy, penchant for exploitation and thirst for validation and narcissistic supply (sources of admiration, praise, sex, and any other resources they desire), narcissists create harems or fan clubs of admirers, ex-lovers and potential mates which they can feed off of all while maintaining a long-term relationship with a primary partner. They have an insatiable need for validation and attention. When combined with their sense of sexual entitlement, this makes them dangerous predators who place their partners at high risk for emotional and physical repercussions. Their ability to gaslight their victims into believing in them, their capacity to dupe multiple victims, to manipulate and manufacture fabrications long-term is what makes them such stellar performers. Frankly, the numerous ways they convincingly present a false mask and warp reality are astounding and can create massive cognitive dissonance in their victims. This duplicity allows them to dupe not only their partners but also society as a whole into believing that they are the charming, upright, moral and honest people they pretend to be. Here are five signs you may be dating or involved in a relationship with a cheating narcissist...." **************** Shahida again: https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/08/5-signs-youre-dating-a-cheating-narcissist "The covert psychopaths faade (sic - 'facade') is one of the most convincing tools they use in order to bolster their public image and escape accountability for their actions. The most covert sociopaths are able to engage in a great deal of grandstanding and virtue-signaling to create a persona of a good-natured, humble, caring and generous individual in order to mask their true contempt and malice. This allows them to get away with their crimes more easily in public. They can even infiltrate fields like counseling or religious and spiritual leadership in order to access a greater supply of victims, disguising themselves as competent professionals or gurus all while hunting for prey." ****DISGUISING THEMSELVES AS COMPETENT PROFESSIONALS...ALL WHILE HUNTING FOR PREY**** And if you think about it, there's no better hunting-ground (especially when it's cadging a lift to a wealthy lifestyle (before dumping you on the side of the road and making off with your car) than a Five-Star hotel, full of rich men's wives and partners, particularly a city-based one. They're a hot-spot, in fact.

"Unless I'm missing something, nothing happened here. The OP didn't betray her vows to her husband, Chef doesn't want to [openly] pursue her and has, as I understand it, decided to re-commit to be faithful to his wife. (probably not too committed, and not for very long,) but the OP is out of the situation --if she wants to be. " Yes, that's precisely what one is SUPPOSED to think. How do you know he even HAS a wife? ("I asked the Liar if he was lying, and he said No.") Even if he does, I'd put money on the fact he said absolutely nothing to her about anything. "I'm working on being more forgiving and not holding grudges. (My desire for revenge is so ingrained, even *I* consider it a moral failing.) Guess I'm out. Some advice given to me when I was about to enter an ill-advised relationship: "The person who cares the least about the relationship has the most power." So, frankly that's all I've got." That, actually, describes the un-healthy dynamics of the Narc relationship ("She/He who cares least, wins"). Power doesn't belong in intimate relationships and is the No. 1 sign of a Narc fauxlationship. But it's not really about grudge-holding or revenge, it's about hobbling him to put him off his game so that any other female guests being kept or put warm-on-the-side can be turned-off and get clean away, unscathed. While we're down there, so to speak - and only because it would be too easily do-able and put paid so instantly to how bad Priyanka's been left feeling (just because she wanted a bloody friend) - we'll get her stolen pride and moral status back. IF she wants.

PS Priyanka: I know you say you want your day in court for the purposes of Closure and putting him back in his sleazy place, but, trust me - it's not possible with an NPD. One of their greatest disabilities is their refusal to co-operate (unless it's their decision because it's part of a tactic). Ask them a straight question (why did/didn't you X/Y/Z?) and you'll get nothing but Word Salad back (google). They LIKE that you have no closure. No closure is another hook that keeps you sat in his Harem, either warm-and-waiting or furious-and-waiting (for said showdown that never gets to happen yet always feels it soon COULD/MIGHT).

All I now want to know is why these messages when he doesnt want any friendship. He made it clear that no relationship/sex he is interested in. So he is still in awe of my gifts that he is thanking me this way? How Can a chef who strictly wanted a professional relationship keeping sending me these messages once im out of the hotel ( even if Im in the hotel) ?. Im just curious to know. Nothing more will be done from my side. No request for friendship too. Now that is impossible. Im just curious. Yes, I do want a closure, a sorry from him for unnecessarily messing up my life when I didnot even wanted a friendship to begin with, for making me do/say things I never ever did in my life before,bringing me to a point where i had to beg for hsi friendship and then suddenly ending a relationship that didnot even exist. He ended in exactly 2 min of phone without even asking, explaining the reason making me feel that I was the one who initiated all this nonsense. Im unable to stay calm. I want to do the same what he did with me. I want him to say sorry and finish off the matter. As you said, I doubt if he is even sorry. So I want to paly the same game( im not wasting my time or putting in any efforts this time) by seeing how he will progress and one fine day, exactly say the same things that he said to me pn phone and end things for good. I sooo want to do that. I know Im being stupid, silly but I JUST WANT TO DO THAT. If that doesnot happen, so be it. But I will wait and see what he does instead of blocking him. I wont initiate anything for sure( 100%) but I want to see him play his game. If he stops at any point, that is fine too.

Thanks for introducing me to the word 'word salad'. I googled it and it is exactly whaat he said on phone that day. He said ' I went home(his hometown) and met family and you know how it is when you meet your family so I think we should just be a guest and host from now on. You can call me when it is emergency and message only on special occasions'. TO which I asked ' what exactly happened? can you at least say that and can we remain friends?' He said ' As I mentioned, I went to my family and you know what happens when you meet family. thanks for understanding' I said ' So you decided or asking me?' He said ' As I said, it is good for both of us if we can maintain a professional relationship, thanks for udnerstanding' I said ' But i didnot understand the reason and I also bought many gifts for christmas to you. What do I do with them? Should I even visit your hotel from now'? He said ' It is upto you if you want to visit the hotel. yes you can leave gifts at reception area. All my guests give me gifts so that is fine. Many thanks again. bye' And he disconnected the phone. Infact, I stopped talking to him for 25 days in november and in those 25 days of no contact, he tried to send pies through my husband, kept enquiring when I would come to the hotel next. He forcibly gave a pie to my husband to give to me. Once I received it, I thanked him but he didnot respond. Even then I didnot persue further. Suddenly he called up and said no relationship whatever. Only guest and host. I hate how much I begged him to be my friend and let me wish him on special occasions and that he need not even engage me with daily conversations. finally He said I can message only on special occasions and I should call him only during 'emergency'. YOU CANT IMAGINE HOW SHOCKED I WAS, HOW MUCH IT PAINED ME, all this conversation. NO ONE CAN.

Thanks for introducing me to the word 'word salad'. I googled it and it is exactly whaat he said on phone that day. He said ' I went home(his hometown) and met family and you know how it is when you meet your family so I think we should just be a guest and host from now on. You can call me when it is emergency and message only on special occasions'. TO which I asked ' what exactly happened? can you at least say that and can we remain friends?' He said ' As I mentioned, I went to my family and you know what happens when you meet family. thanks for understanding' I said ' So you decided or asking me?' He said ' As I said, it is good for both of us if we can maintain a professional relationship, thanks for udnerstanding' I said ' But i didnot understand the reason and I also bought many gifts for christmas to you. What do I do with them? Should I even visit your hotel from now'? He said ' It is upto you if you want to visit the hotel. yes you can leave gifts at reception area. All my guests give me gifts so that is fine. Many thanks again. bye' And he disconnected the phone. Infact, I stopped talking to him for 25 days in november and in those 25 days of no contact, he tried to send pies through my husband, kept enquiring when I would come to the hotel next. He forcibly gave a pie to my husband to give to me. Once I received it, I thanked him but he didnot respond. Even then I didnot persue further. Suddenly he called up and said no relationship whatever. Only guest and host. I hate how much I begged him to be my friend and let me wish him on special occasions and that he need not even engage me with daily conversations. finally He said I can message only on special occasions and I should call him only during 'emergency'. YOU CANT IMAGINE HOW SHOCKED I WAS, HOW MUCH IT PAINED ME, all this conversation. NO ONE CAN.

Thanks for introducing me to the word 'word salad'. I googled it and it is exactly whaat he said on phone that day. He said ' I went home(his hometown) and met family and you know how it is when you meet your family so I think we should just be a guest and host from now on. You can call me when it is emergency and message only on special occasions'. TO which I asked ' what exactly happened? can you at least say that and can we remain friends?' He said ' As I mentioned, I went to my family and you know what happens when you meet family. thanks for understanding' I said ' So you decided or asking me?' He said ' As I said, it is good for both of us if we can maintain a professional relationship, thanks for udnerstanding' I said ' But i didnot understand the reason and I also bought many gifts for christmas to you. What do I do with them? Should I even visit your hotel from now'? He said ' It is upto you if you want to visit the hotel. yes you can leave gifts at reception area. All my guests give me gifts so that is fine. Many thanks again. bye' And he disconnected the phone. Infact, I stopped talking to him for 25 days in november and in those 25 days of no contact, he tried to send pies through my husband, kept enquiring when I would come to the hotel next. He forcibly gave a pie to my husband to give to me. Once I received it, I thanked him but he didnot respond. Even then I didnot persue further. Suddenly he called up and said no relationship whatever. Only guest and host. I hate how much I begged him to be my friend and let me wish him on special occasions and that he need not even engage me with daily conversations. finally He said I can message only on special occasions and I should call him only during 'emergency'. YOU CANT IMAGINE HOW SHOCKED I WAS, HOW MUCH IT PAINED ME, all this conversation. NO ONE CAN.

Thanks for introducing me to the word 'word salad'. I googled it and it is exactly whaat he said on phone that day. He said ' I went home(his hometown) and met family and you know how it is when you meet your family so I think we should just be a guest and host from now on. You can call me when it is emergency and message only on special occasions'. TO which I asked ' what exactly happened? can you at least say that and can we remain friends?' He said ' As I mentioned, I went to my family and you know what happens when you meet family. thanks for understanding' I said ' So you decided or asking me?' He said ' As I said, it is good for both of us if we can maintain a professional relationship, thanks for udnerstanding' I said ' But i didnot understand the reason and I also bought many gifts for christmas to you. What do I do with them? Should I even visit your hotel from now'? He said ' It is upto you if you want to visit the hotel. yes you can leave gifts at reception area. All my guests give me gifts so that is fine. Many thanks again. bye' And he disconnected the phone. Infact, I stopped talking to him for 25 days in november and in those 25 days of no contact, he tried to send pies through my husband, kept enquiring when I would come to the hotel next. He forcibly gave a pie to my husband to give to me. Once I received it, I thanked him but he didnot respond. Even then I didnot persue further. Suddenly he called up and said no relationship whatever. Only guest and host. I hate how much I begged him to be my friend and let me wish him on special occasions and that he need not even engage me with daily conversations. finally He said I can message only on special occasions and I should call him only during 'emergency'. YOU CANT IMAGINE HOW SHOCKED I WAS, HOW MUCH IT PAINED ME, all this conversation. NO ONE CAN.

Hi Soulmate ! I read your entire thread and cant thank you enough for your in-depth analysis. Are you a trained counsellor or something? YOu sound very professional. Your detailed explanation, your links to various topics to make me understand my situation are plausible. Cant thank you enough. You can call me Ria. People here may feel that I am a bored housewife, loaded with money and have nothing to do in life. That is so wrong. While I am reasonably rich, I have lot of things to do in my day. I am far from being bored. I teach street kids mathematics daily, I do yoga, I cook for my hubby twice, I paint daily, watch cooking videos , movies etc., I have few friends sadly all are settled abroad. But I rarely get bored. I keep myself completely busy. So I DIDNOT GET OBSESSED WITH THIS CHEF OR GOT FASCINATED BY HIM because I had nothing better to do in life. I knew this chef for the past 1.6 years, admired his cooking skills, hardly ever noticed his physical appearance. I would follow him on social media but never ever went up to him and spoke to him alone I never ever, using my body language, gave ANY suggestions that I am interested in him I always went to breakfast with my husband with me, never did small talk with the chef ever I never asked for anything special to be made for me ( many guests request) I kept my distance, minded my business while at hotel. Never thought about this chef much apart from breakfast time. I never saw his face completely as it was always covered by mask. I would follow all his recipes from the net and was very very content with that. HE APPROACHED ME with mean intentions. Took advantage of my extreme admiration( not obsession). I could not block hi away or complain aobut him to management because i truly admired him. I did not want to believe that a man who I looked up to can stop to this level. I asked for friendship and he immediately said yes. Only after a few days he told his other intentions. I repeatedly asked about friendship, he said he wanted BOTh. Yes, any married woman should have shut him out of her life immediately. I couldnot. I agree, I was wrong, I completely agree. I thought perhaps once he gets to know me more, he would change his intentions. He can easily find better women for sex. I wanted TO BE HIS FRIEND, to be associated with him thrugh social media, learn from him. He too said he wanted to share 'knowledge' with me. I trusted him. I told him that I had abandonment issues and he should never leave me a friend or we should not even start any friendship. he said he would never leave me as a friend and said ' You are for keeps'. Later when he asked me to send videos, pics etc and talk dirty, I clearly said NO, I told him that he was like a GOD to me ( Yes, I said it) and I can never imagine doing anything more than admiring him. I told him I really liked him but cant get closer to him physically. He stopped interacting with me. I tried my best to send the food I made, enquired about some recpies, wished him on chef'day, wished him on Diwali etc., but he never responded. Yes, he would delete my messages even without reading !!!! When I repeatedly ask him what is wrong he would say he was busy and he would call me later but never did. I never wanted him to call me, just acknowledge me sometimes but he never did. Our message exchanges were so strange too. I would take his permission to message him. He would say yes do message me and call me whenever you want to. But he wouldnot read my messages and even when he did he wouldnot respond. He would never take my calls and never called me up too. He called me only 4 times in 3 months and all those calls were about having sex with him and me rejecting that and reminding him his promise to be my friends and how much I respect him. After these calls, he stopped calling me and assumed that he was unhappy as I wouldnt accept sex talk. I cried so much, I was so hurt and finally stopped interacting with him for 25 days. He tried to send pies with my husband in these 25 days, and when I sent him thanks he didnot acknowledge. I was hurt again and finally he called me to say that no relationship between us and even friendship. That was when I panicked. I was really crazy, I was trembling, I was crying and made maniac calls and sent frantic messages literally begging him to stay friends with me. He started calling me 'madam', 'madam' , I respect you as a guest. dont message me, etc etc etc. I went crazy for 1 complete day, begging him for 24 hours, didnot eat, didnot sleep requesting him to stay remotely in my life. But he deleted all my messages without reading. I know I have been crazy, perhaps I do have some severe mental issues but then this is what happened. I never approached him, I wasnot bored or lonely as you all assume. I was happy in my life. even when he said relationship ended, I cried for silently, sent him maniac messages but only for a day and later kept quiet. Now this man, who told me that he respects me as guest, who never initiated any message even during initial 3 months, who told me that his family is important to him started sending me GM and now good evening messages on his own ! Why? I know I got carried away, I didnot act my age, I didnot act responsibly, I took advantage of the freedom my husband gave me, but i did keep my husband informed about all this after a certain point. Even now he knows all my moves. I could tell him all because I wanted only friendship from this chef. But now, Im so bitter, feeling humilated, feel insulted and that lecture he gave me about ending the relationship is still ringing in my ears. Im very very hurt, I always took pride in morally right but I got carried away, I overstepped all boundaries, Never actually set any boundaries for this man. I never had any boyfriend, my husband is the only guy in my life. I had many male colleagues and friends but noon dares to even flirt with me. I draw very strict boundaries. But with this guy, whom Im not even attracted to physically, I just opened up, crossed all limits. But got humilated. Im unable to calm down. I really want to see how long these GM, GE messages continue but I WILL NEVER EVER ADD ANYTHING MORE. I would never ask him anything, I will just copy paste his wishes back to him. BUT I DO WANT TO GIVE IT BACK TO HIM EXACLTY THE WAY HE DID TO ME ! I was a good person, a real admirer and his fan. I would have remained so forever but he ruined my peace of mind and I started to hate myself. I started question if Im actually crazy. He made me miserable , insulted me for being his fan. He need not have. I know is wrong to seek revenge but I want to. I want to teach him a lesson but I dont know how. I dont want to play games by talking to him. I too hurt. But im very very curious why he is sending me these messages. Wasnt he the egotistic guy who never even politely replied to my diwali wishes? Why this sudden change? Too many questions spinning in my mind.

No, I guess I can't. Having grown up/come of age in the 1960s and 70s in the USA, having a man ask for NSA sex was not all that shocking. Sometimes they did, I said no, it was over. I didn't expect to see those guys again, and I didn't care, either. Asking for that, in spite of how it *felt* has absolutely nothing to do with YOU. It has to do with the family he grew up in, the dynamics there, his social circle, the society he grew up in as to what his moral code turned out to be. If he grew up in a situation where the boys' attitude was "get what you can, but don't marry that kind of girl" that has nothing to do with *you.* He didn't force you to do anything. I still don't see why you "begged" anyone - let alone him, to be your friend? You CAN try and trip him up - heck, you can go right to his boss TODAY and tell him/her what happened. Go ahead and tell whomever he wanted sex from a guest. Do you have any texts to back it up? Fine. He might even be fired over this. Or - he might not. There are plenty of stories in the news of people (mostly men!) who sexually harassed women for decades and got away with it. Don't you think, rather than obsessing over a jerk like this, you MIGHT be better served re-connecting somehow with your husband? 'Cause frankly, the idea that this man is OBLIGATED to be your friend strikes me as a little peculiar. Don't get me wrong - few people can hold a grudge as well as I can. I've just reached a point where I realize it's MY energy being used up. The person I'm mad at is totally unaffected. Shallow people just don't care that they're shallow.

Oops - somehow you're posting in duplicate so we'll have to delete the extra ones!

Be with you shortly, Priyanka...

OM, "He didn't force you to do anything. I still don't see why you "begged" anyone - let alone him, to be your friend?" If you have a surf regarding malignant narcissists and sociopaths, you'll find the answer is: Because THAT'S WHAT THEY DO TO YOU. He may not have 'forced' her, but he definitely manipulated. We don't know how Spaths have this hypnotic effect on-top, we just know it as "pushing your (primitive) buttons" as causes all such uncharacteristic, involuntary responses and behaviours in the victim, but the researchers are looking hard into it. One thing they've succeeded at identifying in Sociopaths, is tone and rate of voice. But that's about it, so far so we'll have to keep watching that space. ****************************************** Priyanka, First-off, unfortunately, because I'm long-term 'resident' on here I'm not able to talk about myself, not in any way where it'd give a clue to my identity, sorry. Hence, nobody here but Richard (owner) knows my gender. But let's just say, I know my onions (including rotten all the way to putrid ones). "I read your entire thread and cant thank you enough for your in-depth analysis. Are you a trained counsellor or something? YOu sound very professional. Your detailed explanation, your links to various topics to make me understand my situation are plausible. Cant thank you enough. You can call me Ria." Cool - thanks, I will! You can call me SM or Smatey (soulmatey) - or SMarmite lol (not everyone loves me) (thank god lol). "People here may feel that I am a bored housewife, loaded with money and have nothing to do in life." No, no, no, I was referring to how HE and HIS type see you, not us (sorry, should have made that clear). We here ain't thick or out of touch with reality enough. It's them. They're out-of-date pigeonholers and stereotypers, you see. They either refuse or are actually incapable, of learning from experience...are stuck to rigidly to their pre-historic belief systems as underpin their ridiculous world view (added to the fact they're over-entitled control-freaks obsessed with gaining power over all other people, romantic/sexual partners especially. So their opinions and world view generally, across-the-board, are disturbingly out-of-date, hence the "sociopathic" (which in this instance means the blanket label for all socially-made pathologicals (psychos are a different breed) are so insultingly chauvenistic all the way to misogynistic (both genders), so much so, you wonder if they've only just stepped off the Ark. Women belong in the kitchen, doncha know - preferably chained to the kitchen sink. And (female Spath's misogyny), men chained to the shed. Chained is the point - archaic attitudes the mechanism. Anyway, it matters not because what counts more than anything is the target's state of Need and/or Vulnerability - situational and temporary only - on an otherwise strong, capable, Empath (contrary to their propaganda, meant to put victims off of 'telling on them') - Malignants neither like nor seek "Doormats" OR "Bored Housewives". In fact, virtually everything they claim is a lie and tool for manipulation, never the truth nor certainly any truthful reflection of the victim. So... "So I DIDNOT GET OBSESSED WITH THIS CHEF OR GOT FASCINATED BY HIM because I had nothing better to do in life." I know. Trust me - I KNOW. "I knew this chef for the past 1.6 years, admired his cooking skills, hardly ever noticed his physical appearance. " I know that too. "I would follow him on social media but never ever went up to him and spoke to him alone I never ever, using my body language, gave ANY suggestions that I am interested in him I always went to breakfast with my husband with me, never did small talk with the chef ever I never asked for anything special to be made for me ( many guests request) I kept my distance, minded my business while at hotel. Never thought about this chef much apart from breakfast time. I never saw his face completely as it was always covered by mask. I would follow all his recipes from the net and was very very content with that." I took all of that as read, too. It's pretty standard. Because it's not about sexual/romantic triggers, anyway. It's about exciting you under your own radar, whether (seemingly) positively or (once you're hooked) negatively...pushing your primitive buttons outside of any control on the victim's part (save for EX-victims who have read up on it all and know how to stay out of their forcefield). The buttons they push, put you into over-arousal (Fight Or Flight) and your iQ drops by a MASSIVE 15 points minimum because your emotional brain hemisphere is too dominant over your logical one. They put your intelligence sufficiently out of action and get you operating on emotional processing only. "HE APPROACHED ME with mean intentions." Yup - that's what they do. "Took advantage of my extreme admiration( not obsession)." Yup - that will do (even better than American Express). All you need to have had any interest in or need of - was FOOD. Just - ANY LITTLE WINDOW INTO YOUR PSYCHE. End Of. And a Need can be as straightforward and simple, as (as per your following para) WANTING TO MAINTAIN YOUR STANDARDS REGARDING SHOWING RESPECT AND POLITENESS TO STRANGERS, not wanting to create trouble.... Whatever. They find a way. And if you're a normal human (and not a corpse) - a way is what they find. There are psychiatrists who are trapped in relationships/marriages with them as we speak - ohhh yes. They do not push your INTELLECTUAL buttons. Just your primitive, reflexive and emotive ones. Intelligence is no defence. Only in-depth knowledge (experience AND established theory) will. So - no, any married woman (or man if he'd been female chef) would NOT have immediately shut him out. Only NOW will you (with future types that try to infiltrate you). You didn't do anything, let alone wrong. Your need was just a friend (with shared love of great food). Ber-bom. And if you re-read your earlier post - HE was the one suggested friendship first, actually! Tip: in future, don't disclose personal issues or hang-ups, like, abandonment issues. That info is for friends of 2 years plus. Even if they (fake) spill all their secrets (it's a tactic). They'll say anything. Words, for them, are literally just tools for getting you to do what they want, ignoring your own will in the process. "Later when he asked me to send videos, pics etc and talk dirty, I clearly said NO, I told him that he was like a GOD to me ( Yes, I said it) and I can never imagine doing anything more than admiring him. I told him I really liked him but cant get closer to him physically. He stopped interacting with me." And there we go. He'd failed to break your will/standards so he racheted-up with going frosty/professionally polite on you. "Yes, he would delete my messages even without reading !!!!" Yup. To confuse and upset you so that (as explained above) you aren't your usual, sensible, canny self. THINK OF IT AS HAVING YOUR DRINK SPIKES - BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT IS. Only they get your brain to manufacture the drug(s) - with said button-pushing. And just about everything they say and do is a button-push. ************ Anyhoo, please excuse me for a while (I'm busy preparing for guests), don't respond yet, and I'll finish the rest a bit later.

OM, Just a quickie to say: although dobbing him in is indeed an option - in line with how great caution is advised when dealing with a suspected Sociopath, and remembering that Ria is moving to the same city as him, meaning, bumping into him outdoors somewhere isn't necessarily that remote a possibility (ugh/yikes) - i would advise Ria wait a while in order to dissassociate herself from the act (- with any luck, by then he won't have a clue WHICH female guest was to blame...if she insists on anonymity with management).

Ria, "Now this man, who told me that he respects me as guest," Lie. Malignant Narcs respect no-one. Spaths, not even themselves. "who never initiated any message even during initial 3 months," Deliberately, 'cleverly'. "who told me that his family is important to him" Lie. Nothing that is important to Neurotypicals, especially Empaths, is important to Spaths. Money, material possessions, roof over their head, sex for free, being a kept man/Toy Boy for-life. They're after everything we've got, without putting in any of the work (bar what's involved in these Romantic Con Jobs). If he hadn't played around with your psyche, you'd have long before then felt, 'Ugh, no thanks, Sleazebag!". "started sending me GM and now good evening messages on his own ! Why? I know I got carried away, I didnot act my age, I didnot act responsibly, I took advantage of the freedom my husband gave me, but i did keep my husband informed about all this after a certain point. Even now he knows all my moves. I could tell him all because I wanted only friendship from this chef." They call relationships with Malignant Narcs Fauxlationship. With Spaths, Romantic Con Job. Might help you to know they also describe one element of the rotten dynamic as Push-Pull - which is exactly what this guy did: basically warmed you up....you didn't allow warmth to lower your usual standards...he sensed it so shoved you into the fridge. From warm to cold is worse than from neutral to cold. You were supposed to need to warm up SO BADLY that you finally cracked and begged to jump into bed with him. *Fail* Because what YOU did was simply re-assert your proposal of platonic friendship. And then came here. And you intend never to stay at that hotel again. You're too clever for him and he finally knows it. HAD you got into a RCJ with him, thinking it were a normal relationship, that Push-Pull would have continued (with new headgames brought in, meanwhile). It would have driven you crazy. If you want to understand how Push-Pull (aka the Narcissistic Withdrawal) works on victims, google: Narcissist - The Silent Treatment. His was a micro version. They drive victims half crazy, not least because, under their control, What Goes Up *doesn't* come down. And that describes what happened, doesn't it. The ball was thrown up but didn't come down. It's nothing personal to you or any reflection of you. They can't GET personal - that's their whole problem! And they can't relect on you - because all THEY'RE looking at and paying attention to is, What are her weaknesses (- Spath opinion) and sore nerves. You told him, Fear of Abandonment. Can you see why he's deliberately pulled away i.e. abandoned the show now? Despite it's the show HE put on? "But now, Im so bitter," Yup. You and millions of other targets/victims. "feeling humilated, feel insulted " Yup. Again - normal....all victims... " and that lecture he gave me about ending the relationship is still ringing in my ears." I KNOW!....MINE TOO! I STILL WANT TO PUNCH HIS FACE! So....so-so-so-so galling! "Im very very hurt, I always took pride in morally right but I got carried away," Psychologically - you LITERALLY got carried away. By him. With his "drinks-spiking" he shoved you over his shoulder and tried to carry you off. You cannot take any responsibility for how an interaction with a Spath turned out because to have equal responsibility in a relationship takes two healthy individuals that believe in partnership...equality...egality...parity. In which case it's called Co-Creativity/Co-Creation and you share blame. But with a Spath? HAHAHAH....ain't ever going to get that, nor a Cluster B Narc of whatever variety. They want a dog on a leash in human form. A human puppet...slave...whatever you want to call it. And that is that is that. Would you blame a dog on a leash if its owner managed to drag it down the road? You just didn't realise you had a psychological leash round your neck, that's all. And why would you. Why would anyone expect that. Why would anyone expect to have to interact during their lifetime with one or more mental patient who simply hasn't been diagnosed so therefore isn't living in a mental institution? "I overstepped all boundaries, Never actually set any boundaries for this man." Yup, that's how they do it. It's like a Pre-Nup (this types idea, of course). By the time the inevitable divorce hits the in-tray, after all they've been put through, which they wouldn't have DREAMED would be how things would pan out, the victim thinks very differently...now feeling they bloody DESERVE half "his/her" wealth - AS COMPENSATION FOR THE WHOLE NIGHTMARE! Too late. "I never had any boyfriend, my husband is the only guy in my life. I had many male colleagues and friends but noon dares to even flirt with me. I draw very strict boundaries." Ahhhhh. You were a particularly tough nut to crack!...a particularly satisfying prospect in terms of knocking you off your 'pedestal' as a way to eventually completely dominate and use you..."you with your airs and graces" (his perception)...AND your "toffee-nosed, smug husband". They - the Pathologically Bored veteran Spaths - LOVE a massive challenge. And they are obsessed with pulling down the mighty. Because they're *Pathologically* Jealous & Envious. And if you and your husband with your happy life and union "make" them feel like this...feel bad... you must be destroyed. And you thought this was a budding friendship or (unwanted) romance. Nope. It was a materialistic, fiscal, psychological Revenge Campaign. Using you as Victim 1 to bash Victim 2 with (husband). Trouble is, they're brilliant actors. (I repeat: PSYCHIATRISTS!) " But with this guy, whom Im not even attracted to physically, I just opened up, crossed all limits. But got humilated. Im unable to calm down. I really want to see how long these GM, GE messages continue but I WILL NEVER EVER ADD ANYTHING MORE. I would never ask him anything, I will just copy paste his wishes back to him. BUT I DO WANT TO GIVE IT BACK TO HIM EXACLTY THE WAY HE DID TO ME !" In actual fact, if you just downed-tools, just CEASED REPLYING: (1) That will massively injure him and (2) YOU'LL FEEL BETTER from no more contact. Narcs addict you. You need to de-tox. THEN you can report him to his superiors. But by that time, you'll be able to show his employers some comupter print-outs from the web of their tactics and how they work on any normal, relatively healthy human and especially on super-friendly Empaths (you). Or you could show them this thread. "I was a good person," You still are and that is why you're not mid-having an affair with him right now. Don't worry - honestly, you'll be wasting your time and beating yourself up for nothing. All you need to do is keep reading up and letting it out on here. And then you'll be fine. You might even find you CAN'T BE ARSED to tell his superiors for your own sake, and only to be a Rescuer of other poor women (or men) like you. Now here's the good news: I bet you're looking at your nice, normal husband with fresh eyes by now - yes - and appreciate him even more than you already did? That's the way to convert this whole sorry incident into a positive...a benefit....Turning this lemon into marital Lemonade. "...he ruined my peace of mind and I started to hate myself. I started question if Im actually crazy. He made me miserable , insulted me for being his fan. He need not have. I know is wrong to seek revenge but I want to. I want to teach him a lesson but I dont know how. I dont want to play games by talking to him. I too hurt. But im very very curious why he is sending me these messages. Wasnt he the egotistic guy who never even politely replied to my diwali wishes? Why this sudden change? Too many questions spinning in my mind" Slowly, slowly, catchee Monkey, the saying goes. Stick with me, kiddo - I'm ace at hobbling the idiots with revenge (i.e. teaching them a lesson they'll never forget). In fact, we're talking Customised/5 Star Comeuppance, lol.

Have a really good, thorough read of Jennifer Smith's site - in fauxlationship/rom-con-job events order. Once you realise what they are and how they tick, how they operate, probably all you'll feel is this: "In 2022, I had a near-miss with a mental patient con-man! Phew, that was close."

I forgot to mention: the REASON all Malig. Narcs go push-pull/hot-cold and back again is because the relief you feel when they turn warm/hot again releases a massive hit of Dopamine etc. in your brain (and meanwhile they're cognitively convincing you they're the perfect partner/friend). By repeating this whole narcissistic cycle of abuse (Idealize, Devalue, Discard - or Fake Discard + Repeat, you get hooked on the Dopamine (and your brain on what caused it, i.e. he becomes your sole Supplier). Once they addict you, you HAVE to forgive their soon to be increasingly released bad behaviour or you won't get the hits you now NEED. And there's nothing you can do to stop it, except cut contact and go Cold Turkey ("No Contact").ç You're IN Cold Turkey right now, which is why you feel so bad, ashamed, angry and wanting revenge, etc. See it as the mental equivalent of a bad stomach flu bug but in the mind, your bad thoughts and feelings being the sweat and vomit coming out...makes it easier, less disturbing...just a cleaning-out process. Meanwhile, Ria, to help you get there faster, here are some good articles for you (and anyone reading who's in your same or similar boat): ******************************************* (Extracts) https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Sociopath What is narcissistic abuse? Narcissistic abuse is a specific form of abuse perpetrated by narcissists. According to Mead, it typically looks like one partner manipulating the other for personal gain. "It is a form of relating with another where one demeans and controls the other," Perlin explains. She says whether the control is explicit, (e.g., I don't want you going over to your mother's house) or more subtle (e.g., I wish you wouldn't go out because I really need you tonight), the narcissist's goal is to keep their partner dependent on praise and preoccupied with the narcissist's needs. Narcissistic abuse also tends to involve copious amounts of gaslighting, Mead adds. "This means they deny any wrongdoing when confronted by their partner, and they flip the situation in such a way that the victim is now to blame for whatever felt abusive." "Sociopaths come off as charming and personable, but once you get to know them their true personalities are revealed. If you know someone who's manipulative and remorseless, it's important to deal with the situation so you won't end up feeling emotionally drained. There's no sense in trying to argue with a sociopath; the better approach is to show the person you're too intelligent to fall prey to their schemes." Understanding A Sociopath Recognize the signs that someone is sociopathic Sociopaths have a personality disorder that prevents them from feeling empathy for others. Although they often seem friendly and likable, they use their charm to get people to do things for them. The following traits are common among sociopaths:[1] Superficial charm; everyone seems to like them. Lack of remorse; they don't feel guilty when they've done something wrong. Lack of empathy; they don't seem to care when someone else is hurt. Propensity to lie; they do it casually, like it's nothing. Incapacity for love; those closest to them realize something is missing. Egocentricity; they light up when they're the center of attention. Delusions of grandeur; they often perceive themselves as superior to others. Understand what drives a sociopath Sociopaths aren't driven by the desire to make the world a better place, help others or be accountable in their closest relationships. "Doing the right thing" is not a motivator for a sociopath; rather, sociopaths are motivated by having power over other people and using it to get what they want: more power, money, casual sex and so on.[2] Even if a sociopath takes an action that appears to be good-hearted or kind, there's usually an ulterior motive. Sociopaths often cheat on their partners, since they don't feel guilt for doing so. Realize that sociopaths are expert manipulators They're dangerous because they're capable of making people do whatever they want. Sociopaths use a variety of strategies to cause people in their lives to do things for them. They often pit people against each other to achieve their own ends, or have others lie for them to cover up the truth. Sociopaths are often at the center of love triangles, or the people to break up a marriage. In a workplace setting, they might undermine coworkers to make themselves look good in front of the boss. In a friend circle, a sociopath might cause drama that forces people to take sides, while they coolly control the entire situation. Don't expect a sociopath to care about your feelings A sociopath does not care who gets used or hurt, because sociopaths have no conscience or scruples against taking gross advantage of your kindness and goodwill. A key characteristic of a sociopath is that they can not comprehend that others have feelings or can be hurt by their actions. Sociopaths don't change to become empathetic. No amount of "talking it through" or giving the person extra chances is going to make them a better person. If you can distance yourself enough to realize it's not really about you, you'll have more power to stand up to the sociopath. To deal with a sociopath, be strong and calm Once you recognize that someone in your life is a sociopath, you'll be able to see what drives the person and where their weak points are. If you try to handle the person like you would someone without a personality disorder, you'll just end up getting frustrated or pulled back into the person's drama.[3] When you interact with a sociopath, keep your guard up and resist the temptation to talk it out or change the person. Remember that sociopaths aren't motivated by love, but by power, so you want to show them you won't give them power over you. Consider avoiding the person completely Sociopaths aren't easy to deal with, so if you can cut the person out of your life, that might be best. Your relationship with the person isn't likely to improve. If you're dating someone you think might be a sociopath, or if the person is a friend, you should strongly consider breaking off the relationship. This is especially true if you have an empathetic, sensitive type of personality. Sociopaths prey on this personality type, so get out while you can.[4] In some cases, though, it's impossible to break things off. Maybe the sociopath is your boss at work, or worse, your parent, child or sibling. If that's the case, you'll need to learn effective ways to handle yourself around the person. Put up your guard on't let yourself be caught off-guard in a vulnerable situation when the sociopath is around. Showing your real emotions will make you a target, since the sociopath will see you as someone who can be easily manipulated. When you have to interact with the person, show that you're completely in control of yourself. Try putting on a cheerful face whenever the sociopath is around. Even if you're not feeling particularly cheerful that day, you don't want to reveal your true mood to the person. It's important to show that you're not someone who's easily cracked or swayed. If you're feeling vulnerable, try to stay away from the person for the day. Be skeptical about anything the person tells you Remember that sociopaths are highly skilled at pushing people's buttons to get a rise out of them. If you anticipate this before it happens, you'll be less likely to become a victim of the sociopath's manipulations. Stay calm and casual no matter what the person says. For example, you might be having a perfectly fine morning at work when your sociopath coworker comes up to you and tells you the boss has a big problem with your latest report. Don't believe what the sociopath tells you until you hear it straight from your boss's mouth. Or the sociopath in your group of friends might casually tell you about a party you weren't invited to. Wait until you get the story from someone else before you react. Carry on a neutral conversation Instead of letting the sociopath do all the talking, speak up and take the conversation where you want it to go. That way you can keep it in comfortable territory, never giving the person a chance to catch you off-guard with some kind of barb. Agree with the person in complimentary ways whenever you can. Talk, talk, talk, about anything and everything that is neutral and safe, like weather, sports, and so on. Continuously change the subject (especially if they say something to try to harass you) and try not to have any long moments of silence. Never share personal information Never talk about your family, friends, business, finances, dreams, goals, and so on. Sociopaths want to use you, your loved ones, your resources and your connections. To prevent the person from getting what they want, show that you don't have anything up for grabs. If what the person wants from you is your money, don't let it be easy to find. A sociopath will open your bank statements and look at your account without your permission, so be careful to keep your records secure. Create the impression that you do not have a lot of money and that your friends and family do not have a lot of money, so you won't be seen as a target. If the person wants power, create the impression that you are not well connected. If they want to use you, make yourself less desirable. Avoid talking about what makes you happy or upset If the person knows what you truly love and enjoy, or what makes you angry and sad, they can use that information as a weapon against you. Avoid complaining, since any information about your weaknesses, things that cause you mental, emotional or psychological pain, or anything that annoys, bothers or hurts you they will use as arsenal to terrorize you. Don't let the person know when your feelings are hurt. The sociopath will be more likely to repeat the behavior so you'll get hurt again. Keep your cards close to your chest If a sociopath knows your plans ahead of time, they might use that knowledge to harass, belittle, discourage or humiliate you. If you plan to do something, don't tell the sociopath about it ahead of time. Wait until you have completed your task before sharing the information. For example, if you plan to change jobs, first take the exam, go to the interview, get the new job and resign from the old job before you share the good news with the sociopath. Once the event has already taken place, they won't be able to find a way to keep you from doing well. If you live or work with the sociopath, use periods of time when they are out of the office or away from home to make small purchases, make small changes or get things done. Show the sociopath that you're on to them If you want a sociopath out of your life completely, they have to realize you aren't going to be duped. The sociopath will eventually give up and move on to another easier target. Do not react when the person harasses you. Calmly call the person out when they blatantly lie. Show that you're not susceptible to their manipulations. Do not become indebted to a sociopath One major way that sociopaths get people to do their bidding is by creating a situation that gives them power. Don't do anything that the sociopath could later use to control your behavior. For example, Don't borrow money from a sociopath. Don't accept gifts in any form. If the person wants to "put in a good word for you" with the boss, politely decline. Don't accept help in any form. Don't do anything for which you might later feel the need to apologize. Document harassment if it takes place If you feel the person is trying to undermine you, it's important to start collecting evidence. Since sociopaths are often quite popular, you might find yourself in a situation where no one believes you unless you have proof that you're being wronged. Save emails and other correspondence so you can share it with the other parties involved if need be.[5] Be careful how you document your interactions with the person. Recording someone without their knowledge is a felony in some states. If you're being harassed and you need to gather proof, you may want to first speak with an attorney to figure out the best course of action. There's an overwhelming amount of evidence that true sociopaths don't change. In fact, therapy and other types of treatment can make them worse. The only time to intervene is if it were an adolescent possibly on that track. Some interventions may help in childhood and adolescence that can help a person avoid developing the full-blown disorder, but this is not the case in adults. Learn to say no Nothing will send a sociopath to an easier target than a lack of "supply"(money or help). A sociopath needs to know that the end is near. Do not become interested in anything they have to say because they are great at manipulating others into believing that their way is the best avenue. Be careful, and live with a heightened sense of awareness. Don't ever tell them they are wrong. Sociopaths will always think they are right and will always try to win no matter what. If you tell them they are wrong or defend them (sic - defend yourself), it would lead to a fight or an argument. Avoidance is the best way to deal with a sociopath. If total avoidance is not an option, then try to pull authority figures into your life and try to keep these people close, refer to them often in front of the psychopath. Mention you tell everything about your life to these people. Psychopaths don't feel comfortable around police or mental health workers (doctors). ******************* The No. 1 Early Red Flag is, trying to rush the relationship - including calling you a pet-name or using terms of endearment too early (tick!); insisting you prematurely incude the in your circle of trust (tick!); ******************* And, to leave a smile on your face, a brilliantly stark, simple, funny illustration of Word Salad-ing - to avoid answering the question "When was the last time you had an actual girlfriend - by "The Office" lead character, David Brent (written and played by the comedic genius - AND OBVIOUSLY NO STRANGER TO NPDs! - Ricky Gervais)...enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8toqEQQ0Os Reminding you of anyone? LOL

Just want to finish with going more into this bit: "They call relationships with Malignant Narcs Fauxlationship. With Spaths, Romantic Con Job. Might help you to know they also describe one element of the rotten dynamic as Push-Pull - which is exactly what this guy did: basically warmed you up....you didn't allow warmth to lower your usual standards...he sensed it so shoved you into the fridge. From warm to cold is worse than from neutral to cold. You were supposed to need to warm up SO BADLY that you finally cracked and begged to jump into bed with him. *Fail* Because what YOU did was simply re-assert your proposal of platonic friendship. And then came here. And you intend never to stay at that hotel again. You're too clever for him and he finally knows it. You're too clever for him and, to one whom is COMPULSED to always "win" against another person (because to them, Relationship means Contest all the way to Battle or outright Warfare) - this will injure and infuriate his over-fragile little ego (the Inflateable with the unfixable, slow puncture). So expect the GMs to continue AND for him to rachet-up his attempts to enslave you by the psyche even MORE. Google Narcissistic Hoovering. Fail to increase your responses. If he goes, "Good Morning!" and then adds more blah-blahs - YOU just respond, Good Morning! He likes a challenge? Let's GIVE him one! Let's make him worker harder than he ever has before! For weeks and weeks. Now that you know what happened, and how, and what he is and was probably up to - plus because you're using a stock response each time - you'll be capable of stayiing emotionally out of it...viewing it as a scientific experiment, so that the prolonged contact can't affect you any more. But he won't be able to tell. So he'll rise to the challenge, day-after-day, for WEEKS, ultimately, all for nothing....no! gain! whatsoever! - whereupon he'll realise he was strung along...played (and better than he did)....that he did NOT win, can NOT win, EVER. With any luck, he'll self-combust. :-) Well, psyche version, anyway, but that's what we're after (save the other poor innocents from his nasty clutches).

Hi Soulmate, How can I thank you for taking this issue seriously, explaining a stranger so well by dissecting each sentence, analysing and feeling the pain ! You are beyond amazing. I have no words to thank you. You dont know how helpful you have been to me. I am unable to express in sentences so not typing it here. But trust me, I took prints of all your messages and kept in a file. I will keep reading them whenever I doubt myself or at weak moments. I even plan to show this to my husband. You have been a life-saver to me in this time on extreme stress, confusion and misery( though self-created). You hardly judged me, analysed me perfectly, never hesitated to tell me when I was wrong but at the same time you told me WHAT NEEDS TO BE TOLD. I am really very grateful to you and will follow whatever you said, will take each line you typed seriously and will trust you a `100%. Whoever you are, whatever gender you are, I dont care. I will remain thankful to you forever and pray to God that he should keep you blessed always. My best wishes, blessings with you. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Excuse the delay, Ria - got guests! Be with you as soon as I can, either later tonight or some time tomorrow!

Hi-Hi! :-) Thanks for the lovely words (blush-blush). Don't worry - I do know what you're feeling - I've been there...had to dodge a whole heap of human bullets in my time, in myriad relationship types in ALL life arenas (narcs as bosses are the worst), plus have studied and researched them obsessively for a very-very long time (I'm 108 years old) (lol, only joshing). How you can thank me/this forum, if you'd really like to, is if you were to complete your surfing studying and then come back here to use your new-found knowledge to help others up against idiots like that evil, idiot chef, because you're obviously a super-fast learner, with copious innate wisdom, and you express yourself and your ideas incredibly well, (and obviously have great morals and courage) so you'd make a superb addition! If that would appeal? (You can obviously say No.) In the meantime, make sure your husband understands that there was nothing romantic going on here. Not from your end (glaringly obviously) but also, not truthfully from his. He was just intent on taking you through the Romantic-Sexual Door because that way lays far greater scope and camoflage for getting intimate in record time and thereby rushing the Master-Slave narc dynamic. Whether it's expensive gifts galore (that he then sells on, say, Ebay - they do that, you know) or (or AND/or) using female guests with whom to (google) "Triangulate" against his wife (probably both), these PDs can't bond properly or AT ALL and know only one role (servant when younger, master once adult (- hah!)) so NO type of relationship with them ends well...for the victim (or in your case, survivor). The gifts/material/fiscal gains, including ill-gotten, are just "while he's down there". Ultimately, like I say, he's seethingly jealous of you and your husband, individually and as a couple, and wants to sully you to sully your husband's happy lot (how VERY DARE you both look so sorted and contented!). "( though self-created)." To reiterate: it bloody was not, you know! (Don't worry...once your brain dust has settled, you'll see it) (your husband will probably be able to - it's always difficult to see the wood for the trees when you're the one in the thick of it, whereas 3rd parties get a bird's eye view (no emotional arousal to cloud our thinking and judgement, you see). "I will remain thankful to you forever and pray to God that he should keep you blessed always. My best wishes, blessings with you. THANK YOU SO MUCH!" Ahhh....you're a real sweetie, aren't you...thank-you (and yes please to the blessed always bit!). Don't ever change. He's the problem, not you (just ask your happy husband who wants you with him on business trips). Say it over and over: Right Qualities (mine) WRONG RECIPIENT (ahole who wouldn't know platonic friendship if you shoved a How To manual in his face) (faces plural!). PS: I'll be busy from tomorrow until Wednesday but will be endeavouring to pop in here and there as much as possible.

Heya, Ria! I've just posted this on another thread (OP whose wife, he suspects, was lured into bed by the same type as the evil chef, but 'bigger'). I think you'll find this'll do the trick if you're mistakenly feeling even a tad guilty, still: https://psychopathsandlove.com/psychopaths-use-trance-and-hypnosis-to-get-and-keep-victims/ Psychopaths Use Trance and Hypnosis to Get and Keep Victims By Adelyn Birch ((- she's been there!)) "When a psychopath targets a victim, he lures her in a highly hypnotic way (along with using many other tactics of covert emotional manipulation) to gain emotional control and then to keep it throughout the relationship. At the top of my list of red flags of a psychopath is what I describe as the “charm” of the psychopath:  He is incredibly charming. This charm causes his target to focus intensely on him as he focuses intensely on her. It is very pleasing to the mind and senses, and it disables your personal boundaries and your self-protective behavior (just when you need them most). It induces a trance — a pleasant, relaxed and focused state of mind where you are open to suggestion. You will find yourself wanting to be back in the focus of his potent charm again. A warm, engaging smile and intense eye contact are present…This superhuman charm is often one of the first and only red flags of a psychopath, and it is exactly what makes it hard to walk away. Read the post on “Charm” to learn the details of how this works. The intense bond that forms between a victim and a psychopath at the beginning of pathological love relationship is due in part to the “hypno-powers” of the psychopath, according to Sandra L. Brown, M.A., author of “Women Who Love Psychopaths,” a book that examines the temperament traits of women who are victimized by psychopaths. In fact, she says hypnosis and trance are the “attraction heat, attachment magnet and bonding glue” of the relationship. The technique of hypnosis — a focused and controlled trance — comes naturally to the psychopath, and he hypnotizes his victim repeatedly. When a victim hyper-focuses on the usually “entertaining and electrifying” psychopath, she is aroused, rewarded, and motivated to repeat it. The psychopath uses his natural intensity to easily gain and keep her rapt attention. Brown describes it as “a gentle lulling into a state of fascination where reality begins to fade out,” and says the luring and honeymoon phases are all about fascination. (Mainly or only Fascination....ABSOLUTELY!) During periods of hypnosis, the psychopath makes suggestions disguised as statements — “We have a very strong emotional bond” — and uses symbolic language — “I have you locked in my heart” — that are perceived in a different and more powerful way in the trance state. These messages become fixed in her psyche and remain there even after she figures out the truth and even after the relationship ends, because she learned them during states of euphoria, intense sexual connection, bonding and happiness. Trance can be induced in many ways, and the psychopath layers them for the strongest effect. A trance state can happen during intense playing, and psychopaths are known for being very playful and fun to be with. Trance can also occur during flow states and peak experiences, such as during sex or dance, when intense concentration produces feelings of interconnectedness. Obviously these activities and feelings are also included in normal relationships, but when in the presence of a psychopath, they become dangerous means to gain emotional control and create the strong bond necessary for the inevitable abuse that will happen when the honeymoon phase is over."