I cannot imagine a woman wanting to be in a relationship with me

I have been alone for years now. But I would really like to share a bond with a lady. However I have so much distain and self-loathing I cannot imagine anyone wanting to be with me. I'll see a lady who I really like and all I can think is that it would be terrible for her and I would ruin her life. I find myself caught in these cycles and despiring. I have tried to destroy these elements of myself as no matter how much I wish I doubt a woman would ever like me in that way. I just don't know what to do.

So sorry for the long wait - be with you tomorrow (unless someone else beats me to it)!

Hi V6079 - so sorry again! Let's just dive straight in... "I have been alone for years now. How many? And how did you last steady relationship end? "But I would really like to share a bond with a lady." Spoken like a true gent! :) "However I have so much distain and self-loathing I cannot imagine anyone wanting to be with me." Disdain towards what? Self-loathing - ditto? "I'll see a lady who I really like and all I can think is that it would be terrible for her and I would ruin her life." Why would it be, and in what ways would you? "I find myself caught in these cycles and despiring." Cycles? How often do they hit and, last how long, roughly, each time? When did these thoughts and feelings first appear, and had anything(s) confusing/upsetting happened in the run-up? "I have tried to destroy these elements of myself as no matter how much I wish I doubt a woman would ever like me in that way. I just don't know what to do." I've got one thing you can do for now: you can understand that your opinion doesn't matter because it's what a lady thinks/feels. What does matter, is lack of confidence and pride. But anyway, if you can answer in as much detail as poss? Cheers!

Sorry, I had kind of abandoned hope anyone would reply so didn't bother checking. I'll try and reply when I can.

It's ok, you've no need to apologise:). Also thank you for answering:). It's been around eight years since my last steady relationship. It did not end well. She grew not to trust me and kept punishing me for it. I'd never dishonour her like that. She did not want me to have certain friends, did not like certain people even though she had never met them. She confessed that she had trust issues with not just me but her family as well. I tried to help but it felt like I was still being blamed and she was not resolving the issues within herself. I'm a high functioning autistic, when she to a counseling session of some description she asked can I tell them about you being autistic. Which I thought, if it's not just me but it extents to your family who aren't autistic then why do they need to no. So I declined. When I spoke to other people about it they advised leaving, which I eventually did after I kept trying. I don't no if I was too harsh. I do think she is happier now which I hope she is, as about two months later (which was at the start of 2016) I seen a post she was with someone in a relationship.

A few years go by and I meet the most incredible woman. She was so smart and funny. I had never felt a connection like this is my life. We were friends but I started to fall in love. I'd never felt like this about anyone. Things never went further. I don't know if she felt the same, which if she didn't it's totally fine I'd understand. But I never got to find out her perspective and life put great distances between us so I probably never will. I miss that bond that was never had before and long for that connection again. Since then it's just been a slow spiral down of almost thinking about it daily. Meeting new people and hoping but then trying to destroy the thoughts as history will only repeat itself. I've never been confident and have always had self-esteem issues so I tried never to let feels like this cultivate as I just know it'll never go anywhere. Keep your expectations low and all that.

Hey again! Sorry I'm so slow at the mo - too many things on in RL. I get these peaks and troughs, but I 'live here' so I'll always be home at some point, nay worries... "It's been around eight years since my last steady relationship. It did not end well." Contributory Factor (and Red Flag (- post-traumatised-victim mindset, including ruined ability to trust, lowered entitlement and expectations, and despair) 1. "She grew not to trust me and kept punishing me for it." 1. What things did she reckon had 'grown'/developed & surfaced in you that had eroded her trust? 2. And how long did it take for her to go from trusting you to not? 3. Had something happened/had you'd done something (something realistic and legitimate, I mean)? 4. Punishing you HOW? What would she say/do/fail to do? But I see what you're saying. Despite her claim that you'd eroded her trust, she strangely didn't want to break things off with you. Instead, she hung on (even clung on?)...rather than, do said mature, healthy, gentlewomanly, NORMAL/ROUTINE thing of one in her situation, and let you go/set you (and herself) free....Instead, stayed and continued to - what - make your life Hell? 5. In what ways? If I no longer trusted my partner, with legitimate/sane reason - I'd be outta there! So would anyone with any self-esteem and -respect. 6. So what's wrong with HER, then. 7. Was she trying to SHOEOHRN you into the behaviour, etc., of the kind of person she kept claiming she wanted/needed, i.e. to change you via getting on at you, to be someone else? Normal mature adults know that you can't mould another person into the shape you'd prefer, so why waste time. Plus, it's PAINFUL for their supposed loved-one! And so it would be painful for the other normal (Empath) by virtue of normal empathy and regard. You're allowed to say: Yup, you're my cup of tea (and your niggly, annoying bits are but a drop in an otherwise lovely, compatible ocean so, who cares)! - or - Nope, this pairing isn't working, sorry, bye-bye. THAT'S IT! So for me, that is heavily-suspected Red Flag 2. "I'd never dishonour her like that." 8. Same question - in what way/what happened? 9. Did she ever go for you, physically-aggressively? STOP THE PRESS! NARCISSISTIC PLAYBOOK PLOY NUMBER 2 (after Love- or Nice-Bombing): "She did not want me to have certain friends, did not like certain people even though she had never met them." Please google - "Narcissistic girlfriend - attempt at Isolation" or some such. If you have any trouble finding one that relates to her, let me know and, I will. Now I understand why you feel and think exactly as you do. Join the club, mate - put it there! Also check out ABCD's thread; he's trying not to MARRY his! (Click this link or click his thread on the Forum Index): https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13622/proposal-ultimatum-am-i-overthinking-or-in-toxic-relationship. "She confessed that she had trust issues with not just me but her family as well." 10. Again - tell me about this incident as elicited this confession, please? "I tried to help but it felt like I was still being blamed and she was not resolving the issues within herself." THEEERE IT IS! Thank-you. Still want the details but this is Case Closed in terms of identifying how a 'mere girlfriend' left you in this state. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. Your state is normal and just proves you're healthy. It's the sensation of healing after the death of a relationship AND a long-term abuse campaign.....bullied daily by your own, alleged, lover, basically (if the situation is ongoing in your life, it's in your head every day, REGARDLESS of how infrequent the abuse phases). You've been in the emotional equivalentn of Guantanamo Bay, matey! "I'm a high functioning autistic," Yeah, I could kind of tell. :) How high, out of interest? Specificially, Asperger's? And what's your specialist obsession/skill(s)? And who's your worldwide hero/role model? Have you read up on your differences and specialities? BTW, to Narcissists, you unfortunately are Chateau Briande and Champagne, their tastiest num-nums of all prey. (Yuh - greeeaaaat). Still, the GOOD news is (with coaching), you're also secretly extra-equipped to be the most fantastic Narc Radar and Slayer/Deflector of all, too. Comme Ci, Comme Ca....Neurotypical or ASD...same amount of shite, same amount of mundane, same amount of brilliant. Ever fancied being a real-life hero/rescuer? "when she (went) to a counseling session of some description" 11. 'OF SOME DESCRIPTION'? Sorry, what do you mean? 12. And "a" counselling session, i.e. only one??? "she asked can I tell them about you being autistic. Which I thought, if it's not just me but it extents to your family who aren't autistic then why do they need to no (sic - know). LEAN CLOSER. NO - CLOSER. "THLUP!" - Gold Star ON YOUR BRAIN FOREHEAD (and I TOLDYA!). SU-PERB! That was "a Gotcha!". Can't WAIT to hear how she talked herself out of that one! Bet she couldn't! HAHA! Most people can't do that - control their inner Mr Spock and Captain Kirk, choosing one in favour of the other and shutting the other (i.e. emotional Kirk) out like that, in that situation. Their iQ drops 15 points under-fire/pressure. Houston, we have another could-be barrister! Jae is Aspie - check out her thread, too. And others too - see if you can 'hear'/feel it? "So I declined." HAHA - NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! :D Well DOOONNNE, THAT MAN! Course, she would have told "the counsellor" anyway, just to paint herself the victim (this case, of your particular 'differences'). Yes, indeed - then what about the family; they all HFAS as well, are they? (insert huge, really wet raspberry in her direction). That was pure class. :) So...in essence, the problem was: YOU MADE A REALLY SH*T SLAVE. Haha. Gosh, how horrid of you, hahaha. No WONDER you had to be punished (rolls eyes and gaffaws again). "When I spoke to other people about it they advised leaving, which I eventually did after I kept trying." How many tries? The average is 6 and one final successful one if they're strong enough by then. You HAVE to leave them. They won't. They'll demote you - sure - right down to 'post room'. But leave? Not while you still have useful juice in you. "I don't no if I was too harsh." Translation: I don't know whether her blaming everything on my having ASD was justified or not. Well, answer all my questions and I'll see what I can see! :) "I do think she is happier now which I hope she is, as about two months later (which was at the start of 2016) I seen a post she was with someone in a relationship." TWO MONTHS LATER???????????? THAT DOES IT - CASE CLOSED A SECOND TIME (BUT THIS TIME THE FILE LID SLAMMED DOWN FORCEFULLY FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT (lol)). I REST ME CASE, M'LUD - YOU ARE CHATEAU BRIANDE & CHAMPAGNE. However, little did she know you're too rich for Narcs and would give her indigestion and the runs (tee-hee-hee/cackle/laugh-snort). WELL DONE! Now, it's about solving and understanding it all so you can finish grieving move on. Roger - Over? :)

(Cor, V60- please talk to ABCD for me?....when you feel up to it, I mean? You've been where he's going (trying not to go)! You might be able to reach him and really get through to him? If you're shy, let me know and, if he agrees, then introduce the pair of you.)

Oh - second post! Sorry, didn't realise (I don't read or look ahead at first)... "A few years go by and I meet the most incredible woman. She was so smart and funny. I had never felt a connection like this is my life." A few years is not enough after being Narcissistically Slimed and needing up to 5 years to recover (it was a relationship for you AND an abuse as a captive (of the heart)...takes more time than a mere break-up from just a normal relationship. So without even looking down, I'm not expecting this to have succeeded. You were basically still in your hospital bed, legs in traction...not exactly bf material at that point...a case of, Right Person, Right Place, WRONG Time (of life and trauma recovery). "We were friends but I started to fall in love. I'd never felt like this about anyone. Things never went further. I don't know if she felt the same, which if she didn't it's totally fine I'd understand. But I never got to find out her perspective and life put great distances between us so I probably never will." You saying she had to move away? Upon which, all contact (and means to gain Closure), ceased? How come you didn't tell her how you felt, long before she had to leave? "I miss that bond that was never had before and long for that connection again." Good. Then when you're really ready, you'll get another! That's the trouble with the post-Narc Recovery-Thriving path: one side of you is healed and ready, the other side isn't. And then you end up thinking something's wrong with you (along with the negative press courtesy of the Nex, of course). So you try to identify reasons for your inner Cognitive Dissonance (do want it/don't). Kirk and Spock are arguing. Kirk wants to, Spock knows better (as per usual). I'm not surprised they're arguing. They don't have all the facts with which to have a proper handle on the situation. You have some reading-up to do, V. But it's worth it. Anyway, I expect you in particular will find it fascinating, if morbidly. "Since then it's just been a slow spiral down of almost thinking about it daily." Course! At root - you need a kind word and a cuddle! When was the last time? "Meeting new people and hoping but then trying to destroy the thoughts as history will only repeat itself." And now you know, it's no horrid mystery, it's just Spock knows it's too soon and he's responsible for your survival. As for Kirk - aww, he's ALWAYS gagging and wanting to go for everything - and "now-now-now!" - what's different! "I've never been confident and have always had self-esteem issues so I tried never to let feels like this cultivate as I just know it'll never go anywhere." Bet you a Hundred Quid it bloody will. "Keep your expectations low and all that." Yeeeah. But, only while you're on Morphine, still at the point of wailing in agony. You're ready to walk but not beside someone, not just yet. The desperately wanting another connection like that is how your mind incentivises you to put more elbow-grease into your Recovery journey. Which would be easily said if you were a woman, well-practised at talking/understanding feelings. ...Mind you, saying that - that doesn't help them any when talking about partners who are relationally insane/out-of-order because the normal rules and judgement-based conclusions don't apply. So BASICALLY, Kirk is nagging Spock (because you can't get out of bed unless they are teamed-up and synchronised) to get out of that emotional hospital bed with him because he's a red-blooded male, following his emotional programme. Spock's following the mental one, so he's "gone floppy on the supermarket floor" and refuses to budge. Which is why all you've been managing is rocking on the spot (yes/no/yes/no). Furthermore, BECAUSE you're not quite ready, you're triggerable....it's too easy for things people say or do to remind you of your Nex....Flashbacks, basically. And it doesn't feel nice. But you're where you're supposed to be, behaving like you're supposed to be, so you're normal/healthy, ARE healing, WILL heal, and THEN you can go out to play! Meantime, you can get your University Of Life homework done, with mine and others here's help, if you want.

It sounds like you're struggling with a lot of self-doubt and negative self-perception, which can be incredibly challenging to overcome. It's important to recognize that these feelings are common, but they don't define your worth as a person. You deserve love and connection just like anyone else, and it's possible to work through these feelings with time and support.

It also sounds like he's abandoned thread, Don! Still, *I* can thank you: That was a very reassuring, sweetly put, very true post (and welcome to the forum). :)

Really sorry. I've had quite a bit going on and had to travel a few days for work. Going to try and reply later today.