I cannot imagine a woman wanting to be in a relationship with me

I have been alone for years now. But I would really like to share a bond with a lady. However I have so much distain and self-loathing I cannot imagine anyone wanting to be with me. I'll see a lady who I really like and all I can think is that it would be terrible for her and I would ruin her life. I find myself caught in these cycles and despiring. I have tried to destroy these elements of myself as no matter how much I wish I doubt a woman would ever like me in that way. I just don't know what to do.

So sorry for the long wait - be with you tomorrow (unless someone else beats me to it)!

Hi V6079 - so sorry again! Let's just dive straight in... "I have been alone for years now. How many? And how did you last steady relationship end? "But I would really like to share a bond with a lady." Spoken like a true gent! :) "However I have so much distain and self-loathing I cannot imagine anyone wanting to be with me." Disdain towards what? Self-loathing - ditto? "I'll see a lady who I really like and all I can think is that it would be terrible for her and I would ruin her life." Why would it be, and in what ways would you? "I find myself caught in these cycles and despiring." Cycles? How often do they hit and, last how long, roughly, each time? When did these thoughts and feelings first appear, and had anything(s) confusing/upsetting happened in the run-up? "I have tried to destroy these elements of myself as no matter how much I wish I doubt a woman would ever like me in that way. I just don't know what to do." I've got one thing you can do for now: you can understand that your opinion doesn't matter because it's what a lady thinks/feels. What does matter, is lack of confidence and pride. But anyway, if you can answer in as much detail as poss? Cheers!

Sorry, I had kind of abandoned hope anyone would reply so didn't bother checking. I'll try and reply when I can.

It's ok, you've no need to apologise:). Also thank you for answering:). It's been around eight years since my last steady relationship. It did not end well. She grew not to trust me and kept punishing me for it. I'd never dishonour her like that. She did not want me to have certain friends, did not like certain people even though she had never met them. She confessed that she had trust issues with not just me but her family as well. I tried to help but it felt like I was still being blamed and she was not resolving the issues within herself. I'm a high functioning autistic, when she to a counseling session of some description she asked can I tell them about you being autistic. Which I thought, if it's not just me but it extents to your family who aren't autistic then why do they need to no. So I declined. When I spoke to other people about it they advised leaving, which I eventually did after I kept trying. I don't no if I was too harsh. I do think she is happier now which I hope she is, as about two months later (which was at the start of 2016) I seen a post she was with someone in a relationship.

A few years go by and I meet the most incredible woman. She was so smart and funny. I had never felt a connection like this is my life. We were friends but I started to fall in love. I'd never felt like this about anyone. Things never went further. I don't know if she felt the same, which if she didn't it's totally fine I'd understand. But I never got to find out her perspective and life put great distances between us so I probably never will. I miss that bond that was never had before and long for that connection again. Since then it's just been a slow spiral down of almost thinking about it daily. Meeting new people and hoping but then trying to destroy the thoughts as history will only repeat itself. I've never been confident and have always had self-esteem issues so I tried never to let feels like this cultivate as I just know it'll never go anywhere. Keep your expectations low and all that.

Hey again! Sorry I'm so slow at the mo - too many things on in RL. I get these peaks and troughs, but I 'live here' so I'll always be home at some point, nay worries... "It's been around eight years since my last steady relationship. It did not end well." Contributory Factor (and Red Flag (- post-traumatised-victim mindset, including ruined ability to trust, lowered entitlement and expectations, and despair) 1. "She grew not to trust me and kept punishing me for it." 1. What things did she reckon had 'grown'/developed & surfaced in you that had eroded her trust? 2. And how long did it take for her to go from trusting you to not? 3. Had something happened/had you'd done something (something realistic and legitimate, I mean)? 4. Punishing you HOW? What would she say/do/fail to do? But I see what you're saying. Despite her claim that you'd eroded her trust, she strangely didn't want to break things off with you. Instead, she hung on (even clung on?)...rather than, do said mature, healthy, gentlewomanly, NORMAL/ROUTINE thing of one in her situation, and let you go/set you (and herself) free....Instead, stayed and continued to - what - make your life Hell? 5. In what ways? If I no longer trusted my partner, with legitimate/sane reason - I'd be outta there! So would anyone with any self-esteem and -respect. 6. So what's wrong with HER, then. 7. Was she trying to SHOEOHRN you into the behaviour, etc., of the kind of person she kept claiming she wanted/needed, i.e. to change you via getting on at you, to be someone else? Normal mature adults know that you can't mould another person into the shape you'd prefer, so why waste time. Plus, it's PAINFUL for their supposed loved-one! And so it would be painful for the other normal (Empath) by virtue of normal empathy and regard. You're allowed to say: Yup, you're my cup of tea (and your niggly, annoying bits are but a drop in an otherwise lovely, compatible ocean so, who cares)! - or - Nope, this pairing isn't working, sorry, bye-bye. THAT'S IT! So for me, that is heavily-suspected Red Flag 2. "I'd never dishonour her like that." 8. Same question - in what way/what happened? 9. Did she ever go for you, physically-aggressively? STOP THE PRESS! NARCISSISTIC PLAYBOOK PLOY NUMBER 2 (after Love- or Nice-Bombing): "She did not want me to have certain friends, did not like certain people even though she had never met them." Please google - "Narcissistic girlfriend - attempt at Isolation" or some such. If you have any trouble finding one that relates to her, let me know and, I will. Now I understand why you feel and think exactly as you do. Join the club, mate - put it there! Also check out ABCD's thread; he's trying not to MARRY his! (Click this link or click his thread on the Forum Index): https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13622/proposal-ultimatum-am-i-overthinking-or-in-toxic-relationship. "She confessed that she had trust issues with not just me but her family as well." 10. Again - tell me about this incident as elicited this confession, please? "I tried to help but it felt like I was still being blamed and she was not resolving the issues within herself." THEEERE IT IS! Thank-you. Still want the details but this is Case Closed in terms of identifying how a 'mere girlfriend' left you in this state. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. Your state is normal and just proves you're healthy. It's the sensation of healing after the death of a relationship AND a long-term abuse campaign.....bullied daily by your own, alleged, lover, basically (if the situation is ongoing in your life, it's in your head every day, REGARDLESS of how infrequent the abuse phases). You've been in the emotional equivalentn of Guantanamo Bay, matey! "I'm a high functioning autistic," Yeah, I could kind of tell. :) How high, out of interest? Specificially, Asperger's? And what's your specialist obsession/skill(s)? And who's your worldwide hero/role model? Have you read up on your differences and specialities? BTW, to Narcissists, you unfortunately are Chateau Briande and Champagne, their tastiest num-nums of all prey. (Yuh - greeeaaaat). Still, the GOOD news is (with coaching), you're also secretly extra-equipped to be the most fantastic Narc Radar and Slayer/Deflector of all, too. Comme Ci, Comme Ca....Neurotypical or ASD...same amount of shite, same amount of mundane, same amount of brilliant. Ever fancied being a real-life hero/rescuer? "when she (went) to a counseling session of some description" 11. 'OF SOME DESCRIPTION'? Sorry, what do you mean? 12. And "a" counselling session, i.e. only one??? "she asked can I tell them about you being autistic. Which I thought, if it's not just me but it extents to your family who aren't autistic then why do they need to no (sic - know). LEAN CLOSER. NO - CLOSER. "THLUP!" - Gold Star ON YOUR BRAIN FOREHEAD (and I TOLDYA!). SU-PERB! That was "a Gotcha!". Can't WAIT to hear how she talked herself out of that one! Bet she couldn't! HAHA! Most people can't do that - control their inner Mr Spock and Captain Kirk, choosing one in favour of the other and shutting the other (i.e. emotional Kirk) out like that, in that situation. Their iQ drops 15 points under-fire/pressure. Houston, we have another could-be barrister! Jae is Aspie - check out her thread, too. And others too - see if you can 'hear'/feel it? "So I declined." HAHA - NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! :D Well DOOONNNE, THAT MAN! Course, she would have told "the counsellor" anyway, just to paint herself the victim (this case, of your particular 'differences'). Yes, indeed - then what about the family; they all HFAS as well, are they? (insert huge, really wet raspberry in her direction). That was pure class. :) So...in essence, the problem was: YOU MADE A REALLY SH*T SLAVE. Haha. Gosh, how horrid of you, hahaha. No WONDER you had to be punished (rolls eyes and gaffaws again). "When I spoke to other people about it they advised leaving, which I eventually did after I kept trying." How many tries? The average is 6 and one final successful one if they're strong enough by then. You HAVE to leave them. They won't. They'll demote you - sure - right down to 'post room'. But leave? Not while you still have useful juice in you. "I don't no if I was too harsh." Translation: I don't know whether her blaming everything on my having ASD was justified or not. Well, answer all my questions and I'll see what I can see! :) "I do think she is happier now which I hope she is, as about two months later (which was at the start of 2016) I seen a post she was with someone in a relationship." TWO MONTHS LATER???????????? THAT DOES IT - CASE CLOSED A SECOND TIME (BUT THIS TIME THE FILE LID SLAMMED DOWN FORCEFULLY FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT (lol)). I REST ME CASE, M'LUD - YOU ARE CHATEAU BRIANDE & CHAMPAGNE. However, little did she know you're too rich for Narcs and would give her indigestion and the runs (tee-hee-hee/cackle/laugh-snort). WELL DONE! Now, it's about solving and understanding it all so you can finish grieving move on. Roger - Over? :)

(Cor, V60- please talk to ABCD for me?....when you feel up to it, I mean? You've been where he's going (trying not to go)! You might be able to reach him and really get through to him? If you're shy, let me know and, if he agrees, then introduce the pair of you.)

Oh - second post! Sorry, didn't realise (I don't read or look ahead at first)... "A few years go by and I meet the most incredible woman. She was so smart and funny. I had never felt a connection like this is my life." A few years is not enough after being Narcissistically Slimed and needing up to 5 years to recover (it was a relationship for you AND an abuse as a captive (of the heart)...takes more time than a mere break-up from just a normal relationship. So without even looking down, I'm not expecting this to have succeeded. You were basically still in your hospital bed, legs in traction...not exactly bf material at that point...a case of, Right Person, Right Place, WRONG Time (of life and trauma recovery). "We were friends but I started to fall in love. I'd never felt like this about anyone. Things never went further. I don't know if she felt the same, which if she didn't it's totally fine I'd understand. But I never got to find out her perspective and life put great distances between us so I probably never will." You saying she had to move away? Upon which, all contact (and means to gain Closure), ceased? How come you didn't tell her how you felt, long before she had to leave? "I miss that bond that was never had before and long for that connection again." Good. Then when you're really ready, you'll get another! That's the trouble with the post-Narc Recovery-Thriving path: one side of you is healed and ready, the other side isn't. And then you end up thinking something's wrong with you (along with the negative press courtesy of the Nex, of course). So you try to identify reasons for your inner Cognitive Dissonance (do want it/don't). Kirk and Spock are arguing. Kirk wants to, Spock knows better (as per usual). I'm not surprised they're arguing. They don't have all the facts with which to have a proper handle on the situation. You have some reading-up to do, V. But it's worth it. Anyway, I expect you in particular will find it fascinating, if morbidly. "Since then it's just been a slow spiral down of almost thinking about it daily." Course! At root - you need a kind word and a cuddle! When was the last time? "Meeting new people and hoping but then trying to destroy the thoughts as history will only repeat itself." And now you know, it's no horrid mystery, it's just Spock knows it's too soon and he's responsible for your survival. As for Kirk - aww, he's ALWAYS gagging and wanting to go for everything - and "now-now-now!" - what's different! "I've never been confident and have always had self-esteem issues so I tried never to let feels like this cultivate as I just know it'll never go anywhere." Bet you a Hundred Quid it bloody will. "Keep your expectations low and all that." Yeeeah. But, only while you're on Morphine, still at the point of wailing in agony. You're ready to walk but not beside someone, not just yet. The desperately wanting another connection like that is how your mind incentivises you to put more elbow-grease into your Recovery journey. Which would be easily said if you were a woman, well-practised at talking/understanding feelings. ...Mind you, saying that - that doesn't help them any when talking about partners who are relationally insane/out-of-order because the normal rules and judgement-based conclusions don't apply. So BASICALLY, Kirk is nagging Spock (because you can't get out of bed unless they are teamed-up and synchronised) to get out of that emotional hospital bed with him because he's a red-blooded male, following his emotional programme. Spock's following the mental one, so he's "gone floppy on the supermarket floor" and refuses to budge. Which is why all you've been managing is rocking on the spot (yes/no/yes/no). Furthermore, BECAUSE you're not quite ready, you're triggerable....it's too easy for things people say or do to remind you of your Nex....Flashbacks, basically. And it doesn't feel nice. But you're where you're supposed to be, behaving like you're supposed to be, so you're normal/healthy, ARE healing, WILL heal, and THEN you can go out to play! Meantime, you can get your University Of Life homework done, with mine and others here's help, if you want.

It sounds like you're struggling with a lot of self-doubt and negative self-perception, which can be incredibly challenging to overcome. It's important to recognize that these feelings are common, but they don't define your worth as a person. You deserve love and connection just like anyone else, and it's possible to work through these feelings with time and support.

It also sounds like he's abandoned thread, Don! Still, *I* can thank you: That was a very reassuring, sweetly put, very true post (and welcome to the forum). :)

Really sorry. I've had quite a bit going on and had to travel a few days for work. Going to try and reply later today.

Sorry again, had so much going on the past few days with very little time to take a breath. I am unsure where her lack of trust stemmed from exactly. I remember speaking about a friend of mine from university to her and she replied that "I don't even like her though I've never met her". She asked if that was wrong which I said yes. I feel she held this mentality to any friend of mine who was female. The relationship only lasted a year and a half approximately. But the last four months were when it seemed to degenerate. I am not sure if she was always this person or grew into it. She would not talk to me, she sat quietly and would be like "I'm fine". Though clearly not, then would cry as we were going to bed. Not matter how much I explained or reassured her. This would repeated almost daily. I remember after three months of this, it was my sister's birthday. We had family over and at the time a friend was seeing about selling me tickets. She was a female friend, (different to the last) whom my ex said " I cannot stand thought of her telling her friends she was talking to me". So to prevent a scene and previous behaviors manifesting, when she asked who messaged me I lied. Note I am a terrible liar. This led to her being very upset and making me swear I would never lie to her again. At the point the foundations cracked and a month later it was over. I needed space for uni assignments and she would not let up. I began becoming quite ill. Incessant phone calls and what I stated previously about the therapist. The only details about the therapist I have where what she gave to me which are sparse to say the least. She would not relent and give me space when I asked. Not matter what I said it felt she was not listening. Someone said to me "you are very logic driven, what does it tell you to do?". Leave was the answer. So I did. I am not sure if she was always this way or became this person. I told her I wasn't sure if I ever loved or liked her. I was diagnosed with semantic pragmatic disorder. Which is often described as High-functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder. Can I ask what gave me away as ASD? I will try to have a read through ABCD's circumstance. To be honest I think falling in love with the lady I met damaged me more than the relationship haha. It showed me that I never liked or loved my ex as I never felt that way about her. We worked at the same place, I had to left to go back to uni. I know someone who knew her. She confessed to her she thought she had given me the wrong impression. There was a bit of an age gap which we think she may have been uncomfortable with as she is about nine years older than me. I knew and didn't care, I was and suppose still am so fond of her. Again sorry for the late reply. I work long days and have to travel a long way to work so my responses will unfortunately be sporadic. Thank you both for replying. I have much to consider.

Oh, good, you haven't gone! :) (Some do, you see.) Be with you tomorrow (later today), as well. It's been constantly rainy for days at the mo (Spain) which (air pressure and weather generally being so much bigger/heavier than in the UK) makes me sleepy. Either that or I'm getting too old to be a Night Owl. Or I run almost entirely on Vit D? The clouds are bigger and go greyer than in UK as well. Doesn't happen a lot, obvs, but, yeah, the heavy weather here is definitely extra-heavy. What country you in, btw? You sound English...English-ish(?). Or Irish or Canadian?

Oh bloody hell. Sorry to hear the weather has been terrible. Yes I'm English.

Haha - the 'oh bloody hell' confirmed it, already! "Sorry again, had so much going on the past few days with very little time to take a breath." Snap! - but make it, past fortnight (and still ongoing). Where did you travel to? Anywhere interesting or just another county? Which part of (Y)UK are you from? And how are you coping in this Everything Crisis? But, no, I'm glad you're busy and not in any hurry. The Tortoise won the race, anyway. Plus these things tend to be marathon, not a sprint (or an interesting, therapeutic, cross-country run, rather than pounding Tarmac, if you do it right). "I am unsure where her lack of trust stemmed from exactly." Well, THAT - not knowing exactly AND to the Nth - is abnormal for a start! In OTHER words - she couldn't specify because in actual fact it was utter CRUD. Just her trying to chip at your confidence. And, being forced to become obsessed with working out for yourself in what ways 'you' made her mistrustful. To keep your mind and eyes busy, probably. "I remember speaking about a friend of mine from university to her and she replied that "I don't even like her though I've never met her"." BECAUSE?? Unless you were giving this friend a bad press, even advertently, even if in ways anyone normal would deem as petty and trivial, then - what were her reasons? Or was this just yet ANOTHER barrel-scraping criticism in order to make you try harder-harder-harder to not lose her approval? Know this: the squeaky-cleaner you are, the more outlandish and wholly unsubstantiated their accusations and non-constructive criticisms become. In other words: you've in actual fact done so little or even NOTHING wrong so in order to excecute Operation Isolate + Invalidate + Self- as well as Other-Doubt, they have to make something UP. The fact she was too thick to plan beyond that, tells me that she expected you to just automatically swallow it. Equated you being in-love with meaning you'd jump through hoops and bend over backwards for her? Did she not know you were non-Neurotypical and that, for you, truth and logic, and doing right by them no matter what, override absolutely everything? And that you do not swallow a THING unless you've examined it thoroughly first?...(like a nightclub bouncer: If yer name ain't Logical, you ain't comin' in!). And, that not even LOVING a person means you're going to give into their wishes if those are so illogical, unreasonable, IRRATIONAL, or downright outlandish, they're fruit ucking loopy. Or had you told her from virtually the start that you were Aspergic? If you did, then, as is typical of her lazy-minded type, she won't have bothered looking into it. Takes being INTERESTED in your purported partner for that. So more fool her that she picked on the worst type for her (a social manipulator/persuader) and, as per usual, didn't do her homework. "She asked if that was wrong which I said yes." I'd have said - 'What are ya - secretly only 5 years old? Whaddaya MEAN, *IS* THAT WRONG?! Since when were YOU so Backwards that you don't know how the world works at your age? Cut the crap.' Or just plain 'Du-uu-uuuuuh?'. Yaaaaaah, it was all a load of BS. As usual. This is all standard stuff from the Narc Playbook. I just never cease to find their behaviour atrocious, appalling, shocking, completely MAD, is all. But BS or not - her trying to get you to get rid of your friends (them or me!, is the under-the-table message), is over-stepping the mark BY MILES. Highly over-entitled, highly inappropriate, highly unacceptable...and highly thick. Really sloppy. Mind you - you sound like you have you to be in your 20s? So she won't be a very smooth operator yet. "I feel she held this mentality to any friend of mine who was female." Protecting her Golden Goose. PLUS female friends give better reality-checks, big-fat-Innit. In what (myriad) ways in your case were you her Golden Goose? Was subsidising her living/existence involved, or constantly 'having to' "lend" her money? Or treat her a lot because she claimed poverty per se or in-comparison to yourself? "The relationship only lasted a year and a half approximately." Haha. Because you were too hard a nut to crack. E.g., there's NPD going on and on and on and ON, and then there's Aspie going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and (wait) on and on and on and (nearly done) on and ON. You guys can out-argue (counter-argue) until THEY go Blue in the face. Haha. Aspie Tenacity, it's called. Initially, they mistake uber-kindness, patience, generosity and accommodatory-ness as meaning you're WEAK. Because the only time THEY'RE any of that (forced & faked) is WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING, ARE AFTER SOMETHING or some result - this case, Isolation and attempted Triangulation.They literally cannot stand being vulnerable in front of ANYONE. So being needy "is" being too weak to just take-take-take like they normally do. So then they get 'thus far' in their campaign and fall down exhausted, basically, and leave you for another, (far) easier target (or - ref 2 piddly weeks - and sorry about this - start warming someone up on-the-side...two-timing/cheating on you, ensuring they have a Lilypad to leap to so that they don't have to get into the water and SWIM there (i.e. be single and date). (Who's her new target? Bet she won't go for an Aspie again, haha.) They NEED people like we need oxygen. But they hate people (banked-up, huge resentment; the world and evereyone in it, owes them) - especially their opposite sex. So they hate them even more when and for the fact THAT they need them. (Cuckoo!) "But the last four months were when it seemed to degenerate. I am not sure if she was always this person or grew into it." So, a year-and-a-half minus four months is 12 months. Got it. (Answer: always this person.) "She would not talk to me, she sat quietly and would be like "I'm fine". Though clearly not, then would cry as we were going to bed. Not matter how much I explained or reassured her. This would repeated almost daily." Google "The Silent Treatment". (She sounds like a Covert btw.) Cry about what? Explained and reassured her about what? WHAT would be repeated almost daily? (So I take it she lived with you?) "I remember after three months of this," Woah. She really is a barrel-scraper, isn't she. And your tolerance is amazing. "it was my sister's birthday. We had family over and at the time a friend was seeing about selling me tickets. She was a female friend, (different to the last) whom my ex said " I cannot stand thought of her telling her friends she was talking to me". So to prevent a scene and previous behaviors manifesting, when she asked who messaged me I lied. Note I am a terrible liar. This led to her being very upset and making me swear I would never lie to her again." Yup. Google "Narcissist - Ruining Special Occasions" (for you). Well done for trying! Well done for having such an inact ego that you can basically get over yourself and do what has to be done. And, as you now know - eventually, you HAVE to lie with these domineering, drama-creating lunatics. Shame you didn't demand her never making mountains out of female-friend molehills in the first place so that you DIDN'T put lying over avoiding needless, pointless drama. Talk about 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' ("Abuser - damned if you do (etc.)"): Tell her - get enormous flack. Refrain from telling her - get enormous flack. Enormous flack is the point because routinely, condensedly exhausting the victim makes them pliable ("okay, okay!", you're supposted to say for a quiet life (which never comes, anyway)). "At (that) point the foundations cracked and a month later it was over. I needed space for uni assignments and she would not let up. I began becoming quite ill." Add 'constantly ill' to my prior sentance. "Incessant phone calls" Ugh, don't remind me. Like sodding puppies yapping constantly at your ankles and tripping you up all over the shop, as well as biting chunks out of you without-warning. "and what I stated previously about the therapist. The only details about the therapist I have (were) what she gave to me which are sparse to say the least." I.e. no details at all. Just more vague-ness. Got it. She did NOT go to counselling. She was seeing Mr Justin Two-Weeks (yuh, right). See it now? "She would not relent and give me space when I asked. Not matter what I said it felt she was not listening." Well, they HEAR you but - no-one tells THEM what to do. Only THEY do the telling. Master/Mistress-Slave. They cannot abide Equality/Partnership. Only, they're shite as master/mistress-ing. Because underneath the false act(s), they're stunted (nasty) kids in grown-up suits but with massive delusions of being your superior, keeper, controller. "Someone said to me "you are very logic driven, what does it tell you to do?". Leave was the answer. So I did." HAHA! - 'So I did!'. Love it. (If you knew how many years it can take most people to finally get the uck away from them...!) "I am not sure if she was always this way or became this person." That's twice you've said that. Which means you're still incredulous. Studying-up will clear that up for you. "I told her I wasn't sure if I ever loved or liked her." "I was diagnosed with semantic pragmatic disorder. Which is often described as High-functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder. Can I ask what gave me away as ASD?" I have some Aspie traits, including and especially, patterns- & contexts-super-sensitive, so I studied up on it, PLUS have known loads of Aspies. I get on fantastically with them if they're HF enough. It's not HARD to understand it - or anything - if you have the dedication. ...Well - except String Theory, that's hard. "I will try to have a read through ABCD's circumstance." Do! And Jae's. I provided her with lots of interesting links and article extracts. "To be honest I think falling in love with the lady I met damaged me more than the relationship haha. It showed me that I never liked or loved my ex as I never felt that way about her. We worked at the same place, I had to (leave) to go back to uni." So it was a holiday job? "I know someone who knew her. She confessed to her she thought she had given me the wrong impression." Note she didn't just tell YOU that. Note it was as much your personal business as hers, meaning, not hers to divulge? Note she got her FRIEND to do her work FOR her? Google "Narcsissist and Boundaries". As well - " - and Flying Monkeys". (Bet that mutual friend was trying to gain or regain her approval by doing her that massively awkward - and frankly inappropriate - favour? Who did Nex think your friend WAS - Cyrano Bergerag? What - had her own dialling finger fallen off? Pff.) "There was a bit of an age gap which we think she may have been uncomfortable with as she is about nine years older than me." NINE YEARS OLDER? What was she after - giving the impression of wearing the trousers when in public whilst behaving like your daughter (Violet Elizabeth) behind closed doors (but either way - bossing you around and setting unreasonable, subtle conditions and threats by-logical-extrapolations)? Typical. "I knew and didn't care, I was and suppose still am so fond of her." The Her she was before the 12 months were up, you mean? Looking back - were there flashes of what was to come, PIOR to Month 12; even tiny ones? Or was this a case of Nice (Name) till Month 12 and Naggy, Moany, Bitchy, Waily Headache (Name) from then on? Was it a stark and pretty instant switch from Jekyll to Hyde or did it go, drip, drip, drip-drip, drip-drip-drip, drip-drip-drip-dripdrip, trickle-trickle, then, SPLOSH? "Again sorry for the late reply. I work long days and have to travel a long way to work so my responses will unfortunately be sporadic." No probs. It will, however, speed things up majorly for you if you can ensure to answer every single question I've posed (when you next get a mo)? "Thank you both for replying. I have much to consider." You're very welcome. :) PS: What lies did she tell you?

Hey Soulmate, I hope you're well. Sorry I will try and reply in detail when I can though it may take a couple of days. I work long days in an Operating Theatre, so it's difficult to reply quickly. I should clarify that my ex and the lady I met and feel in live with are two different women. I met the lady who was older than me about 5 years after leaving my ex.

"I should clarify that my ex and the lady I met and feel in live with are two different women." Yes, I knew that. What was it I said made you think I had them confused? Oh wow - are you a Theatre Nurse? Or - given travel's involved - Surgical Consultant? What (or perhaps - who) got you wanting to do that? Long days - yeah, I can imagine! Definitely gives meaning to life, though, doesn't it. Kudos! Five years after your ex? Then it wasn't 'blood in the water' that attracted this MUCH OLDER WOMAN, given the chasm between your developmental stages, so I'm right about you smelling like Chateau Briand & Champers. I think you're going to be bothered by these barstools QUITE A LOT if you don't somehow find time to gen up, completely and thoroughly, on how to either spot them at first sight OR how to make yourself distinctly unappealing to them, whereby they just don't bother approaching you. A third option is - use that "Honeypot-ness" of yours TO attract them AND repel them. It's one of those things that sounds hard but is easy-peasy when you know how (AND can execute it)..can perform under pressure (tick!). You've got super-powers, basically. Aspie Untapped. They pick on you BECAUSE you're an actual angel (and don't know it, think it's just a name grateful patients give you) AND MUST BE STOPPED because all types of malignant NPDs LOVE misery and chaos (it's what they were reared with; they don't call them Toxic for nothing). I've stood back and seen this and it makes total sense. They're Black & White and so it IS a case of Black & White: Bad-Doers trying to constantly take down all Do-Gooders. But you can't repel them on-the-spot unless you accept what they are: feral people...more animal than human yet fantastic mimics and actors....Impressionists....Chameleons....some say, because of it, Shape-Shifters. Has your Nex changed her image, do you know? E.g. from Rocker to Hippy? Or more subtly yet still distinctly different to how she was 'with' you? Yeah, don't worry at all...and now I know that - ABSOLUTELY you must put your work first! I'll let you set the pace while I'll just keep a look-out each time. :)

Oh wait - I get it. The lady you fell in-love with whom ostensibly was completely unaware of how you felt, was the lady who was 9 years your senior. (PS: it's a bit hard NOT to know when a guy is into you, actually.) Well, it's Iffy, whichever way you look at it. But I see my mistake: It takes 2-5 years FEATURING STUDYING UP ON THEM AS WELL AS WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AND HOW. You were missing the second element. So, as it always goes, you hadn't finished healing from the Malignant Nex when you met the older woman. It takes getting to the chequered flag (and knowing what the recovery signs are as you can be fooled towards the end that you're There already). So you went from Malignant, up the staircase to Benign/Classic. When you reach the top is when you meet your rightful match. And you're much improved at the end of that oft arduous emotional journey, meaning you've become more intelligent, emotionally-intelligent, mature, wise, even MORE empathetic/do-gooding (but DISCERNINGLY this time!)...all of that, meaning, you attract a woman who's got a beautiful heart and herself likes to live in a way that gives deep meaning to her existence. And then everyone at this forum can come to your wedding! (Haha. Major Panic!) So have I got it this time? If so, phhhh...you'll only need about 3-6 months of reading and YouTube-ing. Dunno, depends on how non-stop busy and under-pressure you are. It does slow you down, you see... the harder and longer your job, the more drawn-out the journey. On the other hand, if you 'eat' slowly you digest better and tend to recall better too so. S'not a problem. :) As I say, I can find you links as we go. PS: You've got a warm sunny day tomorrow (well - today)...24/25 degs Cel. It's coming from here/Espana. No charge, haha.

Here you go...we'll start you off with these: ((My comments in double brackets)) https://www.choosingtherapy.com/married-to-a-narcissist/ "15 Signs You're Married to a Narcissist" ((My Preamble: Married - Cohabiting - Going Steady...makes no difference in these cases; what matters in these cases is how you FEEL..-how deeply attached in rrcord-time you are. So the ideal title would read: What Happens Once The Narc Can Tell You're Hooked Thus Too Scared to Dump, ergo, S/he's Safe To Increasing Reveal His/Her True, Abusive, Controlling, Torturing A-Hole Nature. This article, however, more describes a 'mere' Benign/Classic...Benign my arse...yet they're not deliberately out to grind you down to nothing, unlike the Malig. Benigns tend to be clueless about the impact and effects of their attitudes, conduct and behaviors on those close to them, particularly empaths, whereas, Malignants have gone beyond awareness and actually harnessed it, plus are not just after getting one over you constantly...tend to be financial and practical parasites (famous meme: "No-one falls in love faster than a Narcissist needing a place to stay"; you could equally put 'job', 'loan' or 'ego-resuscitation holiday'). You'll still get the following fundamentals, however - which, note, doesn't cover all of it as they have one very big bag of tricks and been 'practising' their dark craft, all-day-every-day, their entire lives). (PS: Covert malignants NEGLECT and abuse/chip away, completely under-the-table, usually by failing to do, screwing-up, forgetting, etc., more 'passive' and seemingly 'passive-aggressive' than your more in-your-face Overt who'll admit (where the Covert just denies-denies) but make excuses and shift blame and basically defend via OTT attack (to force you to 'drop it'). However, these are just different styles of delivery/methodology; the aims and end results are the same.)) "A narcissistic spouse is typically manipulative, self-centered, difficult to feel connected to, and may be verbally aggressive or abusive. Being married to a narcissist can result in low self-esteem; diminished healthy connections with others; restricted access to resources needed to leave the relationship; and mental health struggles as a result of the narcissistic abuse endured. What Is a Narcissist? Someone with a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) will have an overinflated ego, a lack of empathy for others, and an intense need for excessive attention and admiration from others.1 All of this stems from having a fragile self-esteem, which can make a person explosive and hostile when criticized. ((You don't have to be diagnosable as NPD to behave too intolerably much like one at close quarters and/or behind closed doors. Abuse is Abuse. Needless, Avoidable Abuse is Abuse and shouldn't be allowed, still, to exist. It's a crime, usually conducted when the two of you are alone (but possibly in-company, using "Dog Whistling" at you that no-one else notices or gets, e.g. a 'wait till I get you home' look or phrase.)) "15 Signs You’re Married to a Narcissist" ((1. You feel constantly like total shite and like you must be/have somehow become total shite if even an on-off vindictive, antagonistic, bozo ahole like her/him doesn't rate/value/fancy/appreciate you.)) ((Sorry, couldn't resist.)) "A narcissistic spouse will primarily focus on themselves, with their secondary focus being on attaining the admiration and attention of others. They will often deploy a variety of narcissistic relationship patterns such as manipulation, charismatic, and exploitational tactics in order to ensure that their own needs and wants are met. As a spouse, you may be the subject of their manipulation and abuse, while your partner treats everyone else positively. This is done to maintain a facade worthy of praise from others, making it difficult to see or believe the signs that your partner is actually a narcissist. Here are 15 signs you’re married to a narcissist: 1. You Don’t Feel Connected to Them One of the foundational diagnostic criteria for NPD is a lack of empathy.2 Human beings connect emotionally by feeling seen, heard, and understood by others, which is at the core of empathy. In place of this trait, narcissists tend to be overly charismatic, thus naturally drawing others toward them. This can feel confusing for their partners, as they may find it difficult to distinguish between narcissistic charisma and a lack of empathy. ((Additionally, they're NOT your friend/lover; they're your No. 1 (pathologically envious) COMPETITOR/COMBATANT (excpt only they know it, at first; you think you're in a normal relationship). Furthermore, EVERYTHING is a competition with them. One way (because they don't do Equal/Fair/Partnering), to prove they "are" superior to you, despite they're putting you off your game too much of the time (plus you get grief if you 'win').)) 2. You Are Gaslighted by Them People with narcissism often gaslight their partners, which is the act of invalidating another person’s experience in order to make one question its authenticity. Narcissists gaslight others because their fragile self-esteem crumbles if their imperfections or mistakes are perceivable.3 When these mistakes can’t be hidden, narcissists will outright change the narrative to reflect a more favorable narrative for themselves. ((And they even do this despite the damning, black & white evidence, such as a text-battle, all laid out, clear as day. "Narcissist- denying the sky is Blue".)) 3. They Love ((or Nice/Refreshingly-Different/Dependability-)) Bomb You Love bombing is when someone bombards their partner with affection; strong emotions; and gifts of time, energy, or things. A narcissist uses love bombing to build a facade of intimacy and trust, so their partner will stay in the relationship. Because of this, the partner may not notice the deeper underlying problems; this in turn creates an idealized situation that the partner will attempt to pursue and re-create throughout the relationship. ((Trying, futilely in ignorance, to be and do better, to make the Nice Gal/Guy re-appear by loving and attending to them harder. They never do. Because they were a calculated construct, never were real, never existed,...plus, deep down, under the fun, they detest the love-bombing/luring stage (because you're the enemy they're prepared to sleep with). It's once you accept that this is who they truly are and more likely than not, will always be (ugh!/OMG!), that it's only going to keep getting worse, not better, Mr/Miss Nice Guy/Gal is never coming back, that you leave (if you still have the oomph).)) 4. They Hold Grudges When a narcissist feels as though they have been slighted or insulted, all of their insecurities and deepest fears are realized. They cannot process, understand, or release internalized pain in a healthy way, so they often hold grudges and seek revenge in the future ((- normally, the Covert's reaction; the Overt might 'give you What For' right there-and-then or as soon as they geet you home.)). 5. They Use Triangulation Triangulation is when two people are having a disagreement, and a third person is brought into the argument in order to resolve the problem. Narcissistic triangulation is a manipulation tactic to ensure that only the narcissist’s viewpoint is validated. The opposing person’s perception is then invalidated, convincing the victim to question themselves and eventually abandon the argument altogether. ((It's also 'pulling the other, 'threatening', man/woman in' to make you feel insecure and that the relationship is so goddam tenuous that the slightest disagreement or self-assertion/defence on your part could break it - which is to get you "Walking on Eggshells", trying desperately not to rock the boat and set them off (because you're sooo tired and sooo effing sick of it already...the 'arguments' are downright traumatic (which is true)...again, plumping for that mythical Quiet Life (the lament of the overworked, the lazy, the cowardly, or 'beaten-down's' lament). 6. They Control You ((And often in ways you neither notice nor understand nor that would even occur to you.)) A narcissist fears ((not in the same way for the reasons we do)) being rejected and abandoned so much that it often leads them to seek control of those around them. They may do this by restricting who you spend time with; how much money and resources you have access to; and how many decisions you are able to make for yourself before you face negative repercussions from them. 7. They Isolate You Narcissists cannot keep up their facade of perfection forever (Google "Narcissist's mask of sanity"), so they isolate their partners from loved ones that may point out their manipulative and abusive behaviors. In order to keep you from leaving, a narcissist will convince you to cut off these relationships. This may be done by the narcissist formulating lies about your loved ones, ((e.g. sh*t-stirring and telling A you said this about them and meanwhile, to you, that B said this about *you*...that sort of school playground-level psychological espionage)) or telling you that it’s best for you to cut ties. 8. They Treat You Like a Child Narcissists truly believe that others are less competent than they. Because of this, narcissists often use what’s called “infantilization.” They may treat you as though you were an infant or child, allowing the narcissist to take away your responsibilities, talk down to you, or limit your ability to perform simple tasks. ((They do this to their kids, too, to prevent them from ever being primed to leave home, i.e. leave them. You can't be the dumper; they have to be. )) 9. They Call You Names & Put You Down ((A Covert can do this with just a (inappropriate, rude) laugh in the wrong place and/or, conversely, by failing to say/do something.)) A narcissistic person will often call their partners names or highlight their weaknesses in demeaning ways. Over time, this can convince a person that they aren’t worthy of being treated better. This often starts in small, sometimes seemingly “joking” ways, but usually builds in frequency and intensity until their partner gets used to it. ((Gets used to being down.)) 10. They Feel Impossible to Please “Moving the goalposts” is when someone changes the rules of a situation midway through, in order to keep another from succeeding or meeting expectations. A narcissist will do this so that their partner will continue to seek their approval, allowing them to maintain a place of authority. 11. They Are Always Talking About Themselves Because narcissists are solely focused on themselves, they will often incorrectly assume that everyone else is as interested in their thoughts, feelings, and desires as they are. They may talk about their opinions in inappropriately lengthy detail, failing to realize that others’ viewpoints deserve to be heard, too. Because of this, conversations often feel one-sided, as others are rarely permitted to contribute anything substantial to the dialogue. 12. They Never Seem Happy With Your Present Life Another foundational diagnostic criteria for NPD is a preoccupation with fantasies about being successful, wealthy, powerful, beautiful, etc. Because they are preoccupied with the possibilities of their grand future, it may seem that they are dismissive or unappreciative of the current life you share together. 13. They Fish for Attention & Compliments ((Yet rarely or never reciprocate it.)) A narcissist’s lack of self-esteem keeps them from seeing the positives within themselves, keeping them reliant upon the positive input they receive from others. Because of this, a narcissistic person will often fish for compliments or ensure that all attention remains on them. They will continue to engage with those who provide them with praise and favorability. Alternatively, those who do not do so, will be treated negatively by the narcissist. 14. They Are Highly Reactive to Criticism Comments perceived as negative or critical will feel like a direct attack to a narcissist, because it elicits the shame that is often associated with their need to outwardly project perfection.4 A partner with narcissism may lash out ((or a malig. Covert, fail to 'be there' next time you direly need them or even engineer a situation so that you do)) to conceal this sensitive aspect of themselves through denial, insults, and verbal or physical violence. 15. They Treat You Like an Object Narcissists cannot comprehend why you are deserving of love and attention. Because they see their needs and wants as paramount, they will often completely ignore your own desires. This can result in you feeling more like a “thing” within the relationship, instead of a person. Effects of Being Married to a Narcissist Being married to a narcissist can affect your life in a variety of ways. It can impact your relationships, self-esteem, finances, and ability to be independent. Moreover, it can lead to negative effects on your mental and physical health. Effects of being married to a narcissist include the following: Low self-esteem Loss of connection with other people in your life Losing a sense of your own identity and individual needs Poor boundaries in all areas of your life Low motivation and fatigue Developing mental health concerns, such as anxiety and depression ((AND physical symptoms/ailments)) How to Deal With a Narcissistic Partner ((Or, How to be/behave 'unattractive' to a Narc)) Living with a narcissistic partner can be incredibly difficult. However, taking steps to recognize and mitigate negative impacts can make a major difference in protecting your mental health. Here are nine tips to cope with a narcissistic partner: Learn about Narcissism: The more you understand NPD, the easier it will be for you to recognize emotional manipulation tactics and the reasons why your partner behaves in certain ways. Set and maintain your boundaries: Boundaries are defined as the maintenance of both party’s needs with as much balance as possible. Take time to identify your needs, communicate these clearly to your partner, and restate them as often as you need to. Learn to identify manipulation tactics: Narcissists use manipulation tactics to meet their needs in a variety of ways, resulting in others being hurt by their actions. Taking time to recognize and understand manipulation tactics can help you know how to stop these unhealthy behaviors when they occur. Foster other healthy relationships: It is important to have relationships outside of your marriage, but it’s particularly important when you’re married to a narcissist. This way, you have objective input that has your best interest in mind. Don’t tolerate insults: Name-calling and insulting your partner is unhealthy and can be abusive in any relationship. Communicating that this behavior is unacceptable will help to protect your self-esteem. Don’t feed into emotional tantrums: When a narcissist lashes out, they are attempting to intimidate others into offering them the attention that they desire. If your partner is having an emotional tantrum, give them space to begin learning how to self-soothe and to break this cycle. Recognize that you are not to blame: A narcissist will treat everyone the same way; there is nothing that you have done wrong to deserve their behavior. Realize that their actions are a projection of their illness, and they have nothing to do with you. Focus on recognizing and meeting your own emotional needs: When you give in and prioritize your partner’s needs over your own, this opens the door for resentment and burnout in the relationship. Take time to recognize your own needs just as often as your partner’s. Work on acceptance: As much as you might like to, you cannot change your partner or control their actions. Trying to do so will only cause exhaustion and frustration. Accept what you can, and know that it is okay to leave the relationship if there are major issues or your partner is unwilling to work toward compromise. What Are My Options When Married to a Narcissist? Narcissists will often convince you that you have no options outside of the relationship, and that you can’t be trusted to make decisions on your own. This fallacy is created to protect their best interests, not yours. If your partner recognizes their fears and is willing to take responsibility for them, therapy can help improve the health of your relationship. However, due to the nature of NPD, this will rarely be the case. The number one thing to determine is whether or not you feel safe in the relationship. This applies to a variety of areas in your life – your physicality, emotional well-being, financial stability, and parental role. If you do not feel safe in any of these areas, it may be time to consider what an exit plan from the relationship might look like. When & How a Therapist Can Help When considering professional help, individual therapy will likely be best for both you and your partner. Couples counseling is generally advised against when one member is actively abusing and manipulating the other. This being because what is covered during a session will likely be used against the victim later on. ((And also because they dupe the non-NPD-knowledgeable/inexperienced counsellors.)) When looking for an individual therapist, it is important to ask if the professional has experience and training with survivors of narcissistic abuse. Because this type of abuse can take many forms, having the support of a therapist who can help highlight the ways that a narcissist might twist or manipulate a situation is beneficial. In turn, you’ll be better equipped to ground yourself in reality, begin to trust yourself again, and heal from narcissistic abuse. Finding a therapist using an online directory is a great way to get started. Final Thoughts Being married to a narcissist is challenging and can impact you in a multitude of ways. Recognize the ways in which your partner is affecting you, validate your needs and wants, nurture other healthy relationships, and make sure you’re getting the support you need. Remind yourself that it is not your job to change your partner; instead, advocate for your needs and be sure to take care of yourself." ((Usually, you doing that tends to get the victim discarded, as does suddenly presenting a new - or fortifying and tightening an existing - boundary/no-go-area/dealbreaker. Indeed, asserting boundaries is seen by informed victims as a way to make the NPD dump YOU, in which case, they tend not to seek revenge, stalk, smear you, etc., because if they're convinced they're the dumper, their ego likes that, whereas the other way round is Red Rag to a Raid Bull.) _________________________________________________ I'll find you more anon.

I'm a scrub practitioner in theatres. But I can work anywhere in an operating theatre. I wanted to help my family and if I could do something with a bit of meaning it would be nice. I honestly could not tell you. I haven't seen her in years. Not really looked to be honest. Thank you, it takes me a while to sit and properly process everything. I want to make sure I answer it correctly. Unfortunately it will take me time. It's difficult ... we never opened up to each other about it. I know someone really well who also knew her. As we all worked together. They think she liked me but something stopped her from pursuing it. They think she may have the age gap was too much. I'm not sure. I suppose I regret not finding out. But it's too far in the past now. I have to move on. Even though I still sometimes feel that glow when I think about her. I doubt I'll be getting married anytime soon haha. Thank you for the weather haha, it has been lovely from what I hear.

"Thank you, it takes me a while to sit and properly process everything. I want to make sure I answer it correctly. Unfortunately it will take me time." Do you know WHY you (seem to) take longer than the average to process? PS: Hi again! haha "I doubt I'll be getting married anytime soon haha." Oh yeah? And how have your self-opinion, self-limiting beliefs and (therefore) predictions been working out so far for ya? Mine (for other peeps) have been coming true ALL OVER the shop. For decades and DECAAAADES. And I say, you will. :p (Just ask Lily31 - "Parents Split Up" - she'll tell ya. Her most recent 2 posts and my initial response.) You will 'now', anyway. This - coming here - is your first step on that very path, in case you hadn't realised? And in your holdall is your template (Ms 9-years-senior, but minus the commitmentphobia bit)......"Never miiiind, I'll find someone like...yoooooou, I want nnnnoth-ing-but-thuh-uuh best for-orr yoooo-OOOO-OOO" (- that's Adele, she's always butting-in). A scrubber AND a practitioner - oooh, Ah sayyy!...you aaare awful...but Ah like ya (Dick Emery joke) "But I can work anywhere in an operating theatre." What - even on the ceiling? (HAHA, you'd have to catch me first!) "I wanted to help my family and if I could do something with a bit of meaning it would be nice." (Yeah, alright, ya caught me....) Ahh. :) And absobloominlutely. It's because you're a very meaningful bloke. Tell the nice people at home what your job involves? You're basically the patient's hawk-eyed Safety Buddy, yes? Aka Theatre Nurse? So you have to be Jack Of All Trades, and know enough about every aspect of the procedure, including Anaesthetics, so you can be the first to notice the minute the signs and readings go a bit iffy? As to the rest: "I honestly could not tell you. I haven't seen her in years. Not really looked to be honest." Tell me what? Sorry - I can't remember or find which question that's in response to? Can you quote me in like you do, please-ta? "Thank you, it takes me a while to sit and properly process everything. I want to make sure I answer it correctly. Unfortunately it will take me time." See starter question, above. Doesn't have to be correct, though. You can correct yourself later if you want. As you process, things you'd at the time filed come newly back into your In-Tray because what you now know brings the true motives and contexts into sharp focus and shows you that you mis-filed the first time round (having had no reason not to believe the "Impressions Management" fakery - google) during the Luring and Love-Bombing. You're rebuilding a Jigsaw to get the correct picture this time, not doing an in-one-stroke, Graffiti motif/mural with a spray-can. It's a work-in-progress, open to having pieces moved around a number of times until the pieces fit properly/genuinely AND look 100% right. "It's difficult ... we never opened up to each other about it." Unspoken. Uh-huh. And you wouldn't have unless she'd been the one to raise it so... "I know someone really well who also knew her. As we all worked together. They think she liked me but something stopped her from pursuing it. They think she may have the age gap was too much. I'm not sure." If you're not sure then it's incorrect. When it's correct, you'll be sure. Note, however, that they did not know her as her lover. Only as a colleague. Diff/ALL the Diff. YOU are the expert because you were at the scene and are the sole, prime witness. But you need to learn the foreign language for it all - to recall it all AND re-contextualise it. That's all you lack. (You were probably BORN aged 40 so I doubt the age gap had anything to do with it.) Now note how all these colleagues who "knew her" know only that SOMETHING stopped her from pursuing it (finishing what she started - yeah - SHE started - Aspies are RESPONSIVE first-and-foremost (until the person shows they're not qualified to lead). Wow, how informative (not). You already KNOW "something" stopped her. Yet not a soul who also "knew her" (ollocks did any of you) knows WHAT! NOT ONE! ....FFFFFFunny, that. Don't you think? Me, I find it very intereSTINK, ectually. And a typical Covert Red Flag. (They're not interested in friends or lovers - just admirers - ping-ping-pingggg!...fans... people who Supply (their ego with air because they're ego inflateable has a permanent, hard-to-find, hole in it...and PS, if you don't supply it, they just take it). Using this missable but, under X-Ray, InfraRed or Dark Light, *glaring* contradiction between 2ndary witness impression and in-application reality-with-proof (i.e. mouth said/purported (even passively) one thing (Friieeeend!), behaviour said the opposite (NOT Friend!)) - NOW DO YOU SEE AND APPRECIATE THE VERY HARD-TO-SPOT SIGNS WITH A COVERT? Unless you have the special specs? (No - gerrof, wait to grow your own, haha.) With a Covert, even their "Under-the-Table-Itis has Under-The-Table-Itis" ....e.g. *snooty sniff* / What's wrong? /*sniff* Nothing?! / You sure?...you seem suddenly 'off' with me / Am not?!......Why are you always starting?, etBScetera....when in reality, they started, not you; you were supposed to just lie back and take it, all straitjacketed, that's all, not boldly confront the issue and therefore exercise your own agency and power/status.....Baaad Slave and Scapegoat, tut-tut! Coverts hhhhhate confrontationists, being called to account, the elephant in the room being pointed at and described in detail, etc....by someone whom (sorry, but it's because they're thick and over-cocky) is supposed to be disabled/retarded. NO? OVER-LADEN...which makes for ucking big mental muscles from bloody childbirth. Plus, you're a multiple-readings monitor/checker - duuh? I'm telling you - all you lack is the language for describing/explaining it all, including the (warped) Whys and Wherefores. "I suppose I regret not finding out. But it's too far in the past now. I have to move on. Even though I still sometimes feel that glow when I think about her." Okay, keep the glow. At least she was an improvement, at least you know you've been making your way UP that recovery path (to Betterville) and will get there (and meet The One) (One of The Ones, in fact). "Thank you for the weather haha, it has been lovely from what I hear." From what you HEAR? Are you abroad or constantly indoors with no windows? - which?

A larger part of it is that I want to make sure I do not misinterpret what has been said. I like to think things over and view this from as many angles as possible. "And how have your self-opinion, self-limiting beliefs and (therefore) predictions been working out so far for ya? Mine (for other peeps) have been coming true ALL OVER the shop. For decades and DECAAAADES. And I say, you will. :p (Just ask Lily31 - "Parents Split Up" - she'll tell ya. Her most recent 2 posts and my initial response.)" > That is really good to hear. I'm very glad for yourself, Lily31 and all the rest. Just ain't so sure in my case. Always got to be an exception I suppose. Pretty much, yeah my title is an Operating Department Practitioner. I'm a nurse equivalent, kinda. I basically help the surgeons, help the Anaesthetists and help keep the theatre flowing. Whether my ex has changed, I cannot say whether she has. I have not seen her in years. Sorry, still getting use to communicating over a forum. "Has your Nex changed her image, do you know? E.g. from Rocker to Hippy? Or more subtly yet still distinctly different to how she was 'with' you?" "Unspoken. Uh-huh. And you wouldn't have unless she'd been the one to raise it so..." > I have always been hesitate to show myself and open up. I keep everything contained and under control. I wanted to open up but was not certain of the consequences. Whether I had misinterpreted her behaviour. With what I am I have to analyse every encounter and actively hide that I am doing it whilst also hiding my ASD. Maybe had I just opened up, things might have been different. "Okay, keep the glow. At least she was an improvement, at least you know you've been making your way UP that recovery path (to Betterville) and will get there (and meet The One) (One of The Ones, in fact)." > Not so certain I'll get there and meet her. It would be nice though. My work involves me being inside without windows pretty much the whole shift. During the winter months it'll be rare I see day light.

"A larger part of it is that I want to make sure I do not misinterpret what has been said. I like to think things over and view this from as many angles as possible." Haha - you beat me to it! I analogise it like this, in terms of analysing: NTs when told to go from one side of the swimming-pool (A) to the opposite side (B) to collect clues along the way, mostly just swim along the surface for the ones that float. Aspies see it as (A) to (Z). Rather than skim, they go up-down-up-down the whole way, covering every inch of water. THAT way, they don't have to go back and do it over. Put another way, you can mentally multi-task by way of being capable of keeping a number of items/theories all in the air at-once, where you can 'see' and solve them...an Evidence Table. (I've got that - thank-you fans!) "And how have your self-opinion, self-limiting beliefs and (therefore) predictions been working out so far for ya? Mine (for other peeps) have been coming true ALL OVER the shop. For decades and DECAAAADES. And I say, you will. :p (Just ask Lily31 - "Parents Split Up" - she'll tell ya. Her most recent 2 posts and my initial response.)" > That is really good to hear. I'm very glad for yourself, Lily31 and all the rest. Just ain't so sure in my case. Always got to be an exception I suppose." (I knowww, it's brilliant, isn't it! I'll pass on your Congrats. :)) 'This thing we call Failure, is not the falling down but the STAYING down' and 'The path to Success is paved with Failure'. You're not sure because you're not ready. That's what Not Ready feels like. ('An notalottapeople KNAW that!' - name the famous UK actor!) So we scrabble around for a reason, grab something negative that seems to fit, due to being in a negative frame of mind, and voila - it's because I'm pants. No you're not, you just FEEL pants. Because you're in transition...a mental growth-spurt.... growing paints...fucknorribleisn'tit. Just keep your eyes on the prize. YOUR GENES will attract your mate for you, cheers. It doesn't need you to vibe-out your specific chemistry. Or how do you think deaf, dumb and blind people mate? Your JUST CLOSE ENOUGH genetic counterpart's inner animal will smell your genetic make-up and if the important things match and the two of you would make great babies - "Phwooooooar". The rest is about not putting the gene-vehicle off, e.g., by having tried to date when not in the zone to. And like I say - this whole event and aftermath will be ADDED to you...like a war-medal and uniform (extra sexy). It's like this: NEW women (late teens/early 20s)....girls just wanna have fun AND playact they're 'proper' women already, including what they see in films/dramas.....most (not all) love the "love at first sight", the (negative) drama and excitement... so date a Bad Boy (aka Commitmentphobe, however-much narcissistic)...something tough and chewy to sharpen their claws on, so to speak. Enough of that shite - as, funnily enough, usually coincides with them finally being at the right age/stage - and - it's over to you, The Genuinely Nice, Normal, Straightfowaard Guy. They learn about NOT just skimming the surface and taking the time to get to KNOW you. It's not just Men who want someone they could take home to Mother (and Father), you know. Women, too. But not the Girls. Especially not bullying/toying/torturing little girls dressed in grown-up suits. If you're not ready, you attract not ready. If you're trying to combine your relationship with solving the case over WHY that past type just like her (whomever from your whole childhood) mistreated/neglected you, without realising, then that obviously makes "her/his"(?) similar-feeling type, NOT. VERY.NICE. Nor Pro-Social. I expect you were too busy studying typically-obsessively to enter the medical profession and are a late starter, romantically, plus when getting a chance (now with more adult eyes) to 'replay the videotapes'? The reason you can do your job without worrying about it because of (wait for it) LOTS OF STUDY AND PRACTISE. Same applies to dating/trying to date. (But don't go online for god's sake (blood-curdling scream)...Narcs on the hunt for new prey have infested most of those. Get out and about, even just like walking to your local shop twice a day, taking public transport more...just OUTSIDE. The Chemistry does the rest. Just gotta bump chemistries. You just need to FEEL nice. And ripe fruit smell nicest. Innit. Patience, Glasshopper. See it as an experiment and expect to be knocked back (it's like vinegar-ing your Conkers) (real conkers), makes you tougher on the outside yet still as lovely and soft on the inside. Think about it: what, traditionally, are women CRUX complaining about when they criticise men? Answer: not enough of a Feminine side to you - BOOM! You don't have that problem. You're just not ripe. MENTAL multi-tasking, yeah. But not on the outside, e.g. dating WHILE studying, no-no. (And you know that because you chose studying over her.) One at time in an orderly fashion... Doing it PROPERLY, ALL your attention (you'll make a brill dad). "Pretty much, yeah my title is an Operating Department Practitioner. I'm a nurse equivalent, kinda. I basically help the surgeons, help the Anaesthetists and help keep the theatre flowing." Ooh, I say. Stop being modest, you. You're Theatre Mum/Dad.... the watcher from the top of the hill, COMPENSATING for the fact he's not sociable by way of playing down below with the other 'naked ape' pack members, by being the "playground monitor" come "local Bobby". The first to sound the alarm, through seeing (and growing to expect) things from all angles from your on-high perches, to point to the bickering kids and say, 'Oy, stop that, you lot - I know where you live!' (and throw their ball back).... And became basically indispensible and connected to your lineage (offspring - automatic job waiting), to the point where one day, it became socially official (Police - Beat Officers). You police the threatre, innit. People-Watcher. Eagle eyes, used to taking in zillions of sensory input-atoms at-once (got wide-set eyes, have you?). Descended from both Cro-Magnon AND Neanderthal ("How was it for you?"/"I don't understand a word you're saying?"). The latter, a bit psychopathic (in a good way, as in hero/rescuer bent - Pro-Social and Self-Sacrificial (and proud of it))....'Yeah, blood, yeah, guts, what of it? - needs must'...NT goes "Aieeeeeeeeee!" or *swoon...bonk!*. Have I said this already? Never mind - bears repeating. (..he didn't chew enough haha). "Whether my ex has changed, I cannot say whether she has. I have not seen her in years. Sorry, still getting use to communicating over a forum." Well, how old was she at the time? Forum Virgin, eh? That'll be handy (if you do crack...and you at least use Harmony and ones like that that actually VET their members). PS: Have you looked at WrongPlanet (dot com I think?). Aspies galore on there! They could probably do with an HF to help light their way and show them how high they can reach? Again, do also check-out Jae's thread because I pasted-in a whole load of information on people in commerce's changing attitudes to Aspies in the workplace, and the HF Aspie chap behind it all. Basically, you lot have been discovered in terms of your hidden qualities and talents and are set to become the next big thing. And if you already have a job - which you do - they'll soon be looking at you with fresh (and highly intrigued - possibly mascara-ed, wink-wink!) eyes and your bosses thanking the Lord they managed to bag one for themselves (or a thousand...lots of Aspies in your type of work - anything with a clear procedure, uniform, and 'scripted' behaviours/responses...and the other emergency/rescue services, obvs). And you're right now in your Chrysalis, beating those wings musclier and getting ready to emerge in to the sunlight. What perfect timing....doesn't Fate move in mysterious ways.... (Twilight Zone muzak). Somebody's been a very good boy for a very long time. "Unspoken. Uh-huh. And you wouldn't have unless she'd been the one to raise it so..." > I have always been hesitate to show myself and open up. I keep everything contained and under control. I wanted to open up but was not certain of the consequences." Not feeling comfy enough to open up is a sign you're with the wrong woman/type and, sense they're not trustworthy. And an Aspie radar is far bigger than an NTs so - you should know? Did your instinct to feel how you feel first, analyse second, get dissuaded out of you, growing up - e.g. 'Oh, you're imagining things, being too sensitive' and such? " Whether I had misinterpreted her behaviour." Everyone does. It's how Narcy types get away with it. Until the penny drops and the victim switches to survivor by wasting no time in studying-up online and joining forums. " With what I am I have to analyse every encounter and actively hide that I am doing it whilst also hiding my ASD. Maybe had I just opened up, things might have been different." They'd have been worse. 'Everything you say to a Narcissist ((malignant)) WILL be taken down and used against you at a later date'. So your instincts were spot-on, look. (No wonder she had no genuine ammo....couldn't crack ya.) "Okay, keep the glow. At least she was an improvement, at least you know you've been making your way UP that recovery path (to Betterville) and will get there (and meet The One) (One of The Ones, in fact)." > Not so certain I'll get there and meet her. It would be nice though." The truth is this: trying to AVOID ever attracting a mate to you is far harder than trying to get one! (I can give you a true story as a prime example if you like?) It's only a matter of time and meanwhile practising talking to women. Try making female friends first (inner circle secrets, yeah boah!). And study up on them (NOT with anyone like bloody Andrew Stupid Exploitative Tate, OBVS), to know how they tick. Next thing you know, you'll finally be ripe enough to start getting picked! (Tip: females are the selectors - they invite you over or give you permission to advance with their eyes so always-always make eye contact first (and smile), don't ever approach from behind, unseen, like those blokes that go from woman to woman in a nightclub - 'Wanna drink?...wanna drink?'/'Eff-off creep!" (he didn't ask PERMISSIIIIION!). WHEN you're ready, I know all the tricks you can 'fake with to make with'. Just practise/repetition, that's all. And don't worry about being Friend Zoned. It's usually just a waiting-room where the woman can furtively test-drive you before deciding. But no relationship is going to go anywhere if you don't REALLY LIKE each other - best friends with bells on (so that auto-rules-out Narc bullies, eh). That, actually, is why so many relationships go Pleugh; they really didn't like each other, just fancied. So don't worry about having to go through the Friendship Door. It is NOT a rejection! Plus female friends have more female friends, relatives..... and they ADORE match-making.... Need I continue? Okay - and practise-mothering on their male friends (if you had a deficit) - or being practise-fathered on. AND can teach you emotional thinking and coping (way more uninhibited practise, innit). Women can teach you a beep of a lot! And make really good, close friends. You get to take a load off and be yourself, naturally. WITH that practise under your belt, you'll come out (at that abovementioned uncannily right time) with a 'Yeah? Well, I'm Aspie, pal, and I'll cry when I want to' before strutting off, attitude. And then EVERYONE will cry when they need to (within reason). ...I wonder how much water would be produced if every human in the world cried into a bucket and tipped it into one, big reservoir? "My work involves me being inside without windows pretty much the whole shift. During the winter months it'll be rare I see day light." Ooh, that's not good. (You a Night Owl?) You realise that Vit D deficiently is no laughing matter and quickly causes "inexplicable" anxiety and/or depression? Do you compensate in your lunch hour by standing outside or beside a sunny window? Just 20 mins it takes. And then stock-up on the weekends? Also eat more eggs. When was the last time you had one? We've just come out of Winter, haven't we. MIGHT BE THAT SIMPLE, or certainly the step-stool you could do with? Try it, Sam-I-Am - more eggs and ham. Oh, and did you catch Covid? I'll fetch you Jae's link... Tell me more about what goes on in theatre? I love all that stuff...worked once for a medical film and book publishing co (started my "go anywhere" career skills as a freelancer). And PS before I forget to say: if I were Fishy Sunak aka (mine-) Titchy B*llsack, you lot would be high-paid and treated like the angels you are. (Round of applause on a Thursday night...what a crock of Gaslighting shite!..."You want your applause grilled on both sides, kids?") There IS no meaning without your health. There is no Is. Don't know if you listen to LBC (the Temple of Truth), but - EVERYONE is behind you. Except for (wait for it) pathologically-envious Narcs (dark angels hhhhhhhate white angels the most). They do infiltrate your admirable profession as much as any other, though, as I'm sure you well know. (Psst! Got anyone in your team or hospital that puts on on-edge of behaves iffily?)

Here you go, V: " https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13545/what-should-i-do" (PS: you sound perfectly fine and normal to me? I know you're a Swan paddling furiously under the water's surface, but people really can't see it. Try letting yourself hang a bit looser on here and let your flippers go a bit floppy - it's your safe place ("Dear Diary..."), you can say pretty much what you like as long it's not intended to be rude or offensive (- as if!). Plus, I'm here as the beat bobby and am not your average Mod (I'm scarier and don't give a flying duck about the approval or otherwise of adults who don't know how to treat other adults or to behave in public)... plenty more genuine fish in the sea if how we do things isn't their cup of tea....which sounds like a poem so now I'm going to have to finish it..................um............... So there's the door and mind my painfully knobbly knee (in your phoo-phee). How did I do? Marks out of 10?)

Oh, and can you tell me any jokes your surgeons have told during ops? I love Black humour. Very cathartic and de-stressing, it is. (Don't bother denying it, I know how it goes. Gimmie-gimmie!)

Sorry! Just remembered I failed to finish my sentance after phoo-phee. ...So any innocent poster is safe with me! (lays cap on pavement :D)

Take your sweet time, V, and just let me know when you've finished reading and cogitating. But don't reply yet (see it as prep) because I've finished your jigsaw, solved the mystery, need to lay-out and explain the evidence to prove it. And you'll see - it *definitely* wasn't your fault. Plus you'll throw away that fake glow in favour of a real, life-lasting one instead. 'The truth sets you free'. In this case, it'll clear your roadblock whereby, next thing you'll be telling us is that you've got a girlfriend ("No way!"/"Waaaay!") ..and that 'she's-so luv-er-ly, she's-so luv-er-ly, she's-so luv-er-ly, she's-so luv-er...-ly!' 'She's So Lovely', by (aptly enough) Scouting For Girls: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoatvSkn2HA (with lyrics - please read them - they're educational and confirm a lot of the things I've said) You'll be able to enlighten your friend as well. And she'll probably go - OMG, YEAH!... and then, How on earth did you manage to work that out, what are ya, Hercule Poirot? And, right before you saunter off, you can say, in a Bond, James Bond way, '......I have contacts'. :D

"YOUR GENES will attract your mate for you, cheers. It doesn't need you to vibe-out your specific chemistry. Or how do you think deaf, dumb and blind people mate? Your JUST CLOSE ENOUGH genetic counterpart's inner animal will smell your genetic make-up and if the important things match and the two of you would make great babies - "Phwooooooar". The rest is about not putting the gene-vehicle off, e.g., by having tried to date when not in the zone to. And like I say - this whole event and aftermath will be ADDED to you...like a war-medal and uniform (extra sexy)." > I don't know how much good my genes are. See another things is I do not want children. To tell the truth I am trying to get sterilized. Something that plays on my mind is, I would not want to stop a woman who desires children from having then. "I expect you were too busy studying typically-obsessively to enter the medical profession and are a late starter, romantically, plus when getting a chance (now with more adult eyes) to 'replay the videotapes'?" > I'd never been with anyone before my ex (at nearly 22 was when I asked her out). Don't think any girl liked me or showed any interest to me. Was never the apple of anyone's eye. "Same applies to dating/trying to date. (But don't go online for god's sake (blood-curdling scream)...Narcs on the hunt for new prey have infested most of those. Get out and about, even just like walking to your local shop twice a day, taking public transport more...just OUTSIDE. The Chemistry does the rest. Just gotta bump chemistries. You just need to FEEL nice." > I wouldn't even know where to start with dating. The whole thing is alien. It just feels like every time I meet a lady they are either already with someone or I have to smother any feelings for them. "Well, how old was she at the time?" she was 18. "Forum Virgin, eh? That'll be handy (if you do crack...and you at least use Harmony and ones like that that actually VET their members). PS: Have you looked at WrongPlanet (dot com I think?). Aspies galore on there! They could probably do with an HF to help light their way and show them how high they can reach?" > This is the first I am hearing of it. I'll try to have a look. "Again, do also check-out Jae's thread because I pasted-in a whole load of information on people in commerce's changing attitudes to Aspies in the workplace, and the HF Aspie chap behind it all. Basically, you lot have been discovered in terms of your hidden qualities and talents and are set to become the next big thing. And if you already have a job - which you do - they'll soon be looking at you with fresh (and highly intrigued - possibly mascara-ed, wink-wink!) eyes and your bosses thanking the Lord they managed to bag one for themselves (or a thousand...lots of Aspies in your type of work - anything with a clear procedure, uniform, and 'scripted' behaviours/responses...and the other emergency/rescue services, obvs)." > I have always been a bit funny with this sort of thing. Always hid what I am from people. Never a fan of being put on a pedestal. "Not feeling comfy enough to open up is a sign you're with the wrong woman/type and, sense they're not trustworthy. And an Aspie radar is far bigger than an NTs so - you should know? Did your instinct to feel how you feel first, analyse second, get dissuaded out of you, growing up - e.g. 'Oh, you're imagining things, being too sensitive' and such?" > Yeah. A feeling with grow, I will then think how could she like a thing like me, dissuade myself from doing anything, stuff the feelings down and then destroy them. Feels like a bit gets chipped away every time. "The truth is this: trying to AVOID ever attracting a mate to you is far harder than trying to get one! (I can give you a true story as a prime example if you like?) It's only a matter of time and meanwhile practising talking to women. Try making female friends first (inner circle secrets, yeah boah!). And study up on them (NOT with anyone like bloody Andrew Stupid Exploitative Tate, OBVS), to know how they tick. Next thing you know, you'll finally be ripe enough to start getting picked! (Tip: females are the selectors - they invite you over or give you permission to advance with their eyes so always-always make eye contact first (and smile), don't ever approach from behind, unseen, like those blokes that go from woman to woman in a nightclub - 'Wanna drink?...wanna drink?'/'Eff-off creep!" (he didn't ask PERMISSIIIIION!)." > I'll try, I don't know. Just can't see what someone would see in me. I take it this Andrew Tate man is not a good man, never heard of him. "WHEN you're ready, I know all the tricks you can 'fake with to make with'. Just practise/repetition, that's all. And don't worry about being Friend Zoned. It's usually just a waiting-room where the woman can furtively test-drive you before deciding. But no relationship is going to go anywhere if you don't REALLY LIKE each other - best friends with bells on (so that auto-rules-out Narc bullies, eh). That, actually, is why so many relationships go Pleugh; they really didn't like each other, just fancied. So don't worry about having to go through the Friendship Door. It is NOT a rejection! Plus female friends have more female friends, relatives..... and they ADORE match-making.... Need I continue? Okay - and practise-mothering on their male friends (if you had a deficit) - or being practise-fathered on. AND can teach you emotional thinking and coping (way more uninhibited practise, innit). Women can teach you a beep of a lot! And make really good, close friends. You get to take a load off and be yourself, naturally. WITH that practise under your belt, you'll come out (at that abovementioned uncannily right time) with a 'Yeah? Well, I'm Aspie, pal, and I'll cry when I want to' before strutting off, attitude. And then EVERYONE will cry when they need to (within reason). " > I don't know, if anyone would want to match make me. Doubt it. I am not just saying this but I don't think I have ever cried, apparently when I was a child I didn't really cry either. Definitely not in the past 20 years anyway. A day will come I probably will. "Ooh, that's not good. (You a Night Owl?)" > Afraid not, I don't sleep great. "You realise that Vit D deficiently is no laughing matter and quickly causes "inexplicable" anxiety and/or depression? Do you compensate in your lunch hour by standing outside or beside a sunny window? Just 20 mins it takes. And then stock-up on the weekends? Also eat more eggs. When was the last time you had one? We've just come out of Winter, haven't we. MIGHT BE THAT SIMPLE, or certainly the step-stool you could do with?" > I try and go where I can see outside but I get 15 minutes for a morning break and 30 minutes for my lunch. So getting changed twice and having to get to theatre quickly can eat a good chunk out of it. "Oh, and did you catch Covid?" > Probably, times I've been quite ill. But haven't tested positive. But there where times I didn't test as I would not be going out for a week or two anyway. "Tell me more about what goes on in theatre? I love all that stuff...worked once for a medical film and book publishing co (started my "go anywhere" career skills as a freelancer). And PS before I forget to say: if I were Fishy Sunak aka (mine-) Titchy B*llsack, you lot would be high-paid and treated like the angels you are. (Round of applause on a Thursday night...what a crock of Gaslighting shite!..."You want your applause grilled on both sides, kids?") There IS no meaning without your health. There is no Is. Don't know if you listen to LBC (the Temple of Truth), but - EVERYONE is behind you. Except for (wait for it) pathologically-envious Narcs (dark angels hhhhhhhate white angels the most). They do infiltrate your admirable profession as much as any other, though, as I'm sure you well know. (Psst! Got anyone in your team or hospital that puts on on-edge of behaves iffily?)" > At first it is a very alien environment. Can't walk in certain parts, can't touch certain things. Obviously bits of blood, but it's all controlled. I studied forensics at college and uni before I did my training so knew certain things would not bother me. I definitely ain't no angel. They're a good bunch I work with, we lookout for eachother and just try to help and get through the day. "Here you go, V: " https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13545/what-should-i-do" (PS: you sound perfectly fine and normal to me? I know you're a Swan paddling furiously under the water's surface, but people really can't see it. Try letting yourself hang a bit looser on here and let your flippers go a bit floppy - it's your safe place ("Dear Diary..."), you can say pretty much what you like as long it's not intended to be rude or offensive (- as if!). Plus, I'm here as the beat bobby and am not your average Mod (I'm scarier and don't give a flying duck about the approval or otherwise of adults who don't know how to treat other adults or to behave in public)... plenty more genuine fish in the sea if how we do things isn't their cup of tea....which sounds like a poem so now I'm going to have to finish it..................um............... So there's the door and mind my painfully knobbly knee (in your phoo-phee). How did I do? Marks out of 10?)" > I am afraid this link does not work. I've never felt very normal. It feels like a few things are off and it disrupts the connections. I've never been good with being open. I'm quite stolid and everything that is let out is filter, edited and controlled. Thank you. Yeah people in theatres tend to be a little demented. But funny. I'll have to think it over. Some of the things are difficult without proper context but some of the things we see are pretty awful. "Take your sweet time, V, and just let me know when you've finished reading and cogitating. But don't reply yet (see it as prep) because I've finished your jigsaw, solved the mystery, need to lay-out and explain the evidence to prove it. And you'll see - it *definitely* wasn't your fault. Plus you'll throw away that fake glow in favour of a real, life-lasting one instead. 'The truth sets you free'. In this case, it'll clear your roadblock whereby, next thing you'll be telling us is that you've got a girlfriend ("No way!"/"Waaaay!") ..and that 'she's-so luv-er-ly, she's-so luv-er-ly, she's-so luv-er-ly, she's-so luv-er...-ly!' 'She's So Lovely', by (aptly enough) Scouting For Girls: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoatvSkn2HA (with lyrics - please read them - they're educational and confirm a lot of the things I've said) You'll be able to enlighten your friend as well. And she'll probably go - OMG, YEAH!... and then, How on earth did you manage to work that out, what are ya, Hercule Poirot? And, right before you saunter off, you can say, in a Bond, James Bond way, '......I have contacts'. :D" > It would be nice to have a glow like that. Somewhat felt hollow ever since. I have never fully spoken about what goes on inside of my head. Never had a confessor so to speak. If only haha.

Sorry-sorry - late again! (I must have been the White Rabbit in another life.) ""YOUR GENES will attract your mate for you, cheers...." "I don't know how much good my genes are. See another things is I do not want children. To tell the truth I am trying to get sterilized." Don`t do that. You're bound to feel like you don't want them yet. Wanting to NOW is putting the cart before the horse. You're supposed to want them ONLY ONCE YOU'VE FOUND YOUR FOR-LIFE MATCH. You're supposed to get the urge to, not note them down on a life shopping list. Cuddling, kissing, supporting...all of that. As you fall deeper and deeper in-love, it's almost like you've run out of places to express it. So your programmes shift to "Time to Make Mini You". Don't do that to your future self; you have no right to make decisions for a version of you that isn't present to defend himself and argue his case; and it's true that by that time, chances are you'll feel completely the opposite to how you THINK you irredeemably feel today. Or if you do, make sure it's reversible. Don't close off options to yourself. SLAVES have no options, no choices, no escape hatch... and that's what makes them abandon all Hope to become the most miserable and defeated any human can get. 'Keep your options open', it goes. But anyway, what are you reasons? And do you ever find toddlers cute and funny? Do you have experience with kids of any age? How were your middle- and secondary-school peers? Mainly nice or mainly horrible? Have you any siblings? "Something that plays on my mind is, I would not want to stop a woman who desires children from having then." A woman wbo wanted them would get that info out of you quite soon during the dating (mutual interviews) stage and, decide not to take the budding relationship further, leaving you (and she) to find your Like on that score, saving the pair of you from a lot of future tears and heartache. Quite a lot of women genuinely don't want kids. Especially your generation (what's the point, they think...world's going to end anyway) (bloody isn't you know). Or they've had them and don't want to 'go there again'. But even THEY can find themselves all sheepish because they went around claiming they would never-ever want any/another. But just don't bin that OPTION. Never mind if it's one you'll never take. Just don't bin ANY of them - until you're THERE, where using them is top of your Intray! Just say - probably not, but I'm keeping an open mind, will see when I get there. YOU DON'T KNOW....undoing that plug might make a huge difference to OTHER ways of thinking you currently have, might be very freeing. Just try saying it and (if you agree) believing it and see/feel what happens and what changes. (It's even tiny things like this - just shifting your attitude, opening a window, in effect, that can make what you 'receive back' from the environment change and differ. You've got nothing to lose to give it a go?) "I expect you were too busy studying typically-obsessively to enter the medical profession and are a late starter, romantically, plus when getting a chance (now with more adult eyes) to 'replay the videotapes'?" > I'd never been with anyone before my ex (at nearly 22 was when I asked her out)." Oh! Twenty-two isn't unusual, in fact that's EARLY for a vocational career type so I think maybe what's happened is this: you started following your dating urge because it came into 'blossom' JUST AHEAD of your vocational urge. So having started veering left, only then did you realise you wanted a lot more badly to go right, decided you couldn't handle the two (can if the woman's healthy), and adjusted your route. So now you've got your career down 'pat', you're ready to think about dating again. The kid thing IS an issue, though - or you think it is (same diff) so that'll have to be examined and followed, to find the root and, if it's pullable, pull it out. If you're STILL adamant you don't want kids - wait for When. If at When, you still don't want them - NOW you get a vasectomy. (Just logical and self-preserving, Captain.) "Don't think any girl liked me or showed any interest to me. Was never the apple of anyone's eye." Again, because you weren't ripe and the time wasn't right. (Right Person, Right Place, Right Time - has to be all 3 together for a spark to ignite.) "I wouldn't even know where to start with dating. The whole thing is alien." The cliches (only because they work): special interest/hobby clubs. They're the best. Having that one, strong thing in-common as indicates similar genetic make-up (especially if it's as stark as Taxidermy hahahaha). Going through the Friendship Door first. 'Guardian Soulmates' or is it 'Harmony' (if you HAVE to use them). Even asking your male colleagues if they can fix you up with anyone (sisters, cousins, female friends..). Start with a lamentful, 'Where do you find a good woman, these days.........You guys don't know anyone who's similarly looking, do you?' (or just wait for them to naturally take that cue - either/or). Or just start going regularly to your favourite outdoor place. It's a fact that we're at our most alluring when engrossed in something or in a place we love doing/being. Before there was interweb dating - despite I frequented the usual bars and nightclubs, it was always in unexpected places like on the train or tube (Londres) (especially when they'd broken down), and definitely my favourite places (beeaaaaches, the seeeeaaa, and beachside restaurants/bars!...same for lakesides) and nightclasses/interest clubs. And empathetic, proactive friends ('ooh, you'd like my friend/cousin, you would!') - especially coupled/married friends (so we could socialise as a foursome). And always-ALWAYS on summer holidays away/abroad. "It just feels like every time I meet a lady they are either already with someone or I have to smother any feelings for them." Oh, THAT. That's par for the Dating Life at your age/stage, I'm afraid. It's like that for almost everyone. Like that Alanis Morisette song, Ironic: "...meet the man of your dreams!.....AND THEN MEET HIS BEEEAAAUUUUTIFUL WIFE....an izznid ironic" (that's not actually Irony but she's a Merican and they always bastardize English, like, the latest is them going around saying, 'I could care less'....omg, can't they even HEAR the illogic in their mistake, that it's, I *couldn't* care less?!....and breeaathe...) "Forum Virgin, eh? That'll be handy (if you do crack...and you at least use Harmony and ones like that that actually VET their members). PS: Have you looked at WrongPlanet (dot com I think?). Aspies galore on there! They could probably do with an HF to help light their way and show them how high they can reach?" > This is the first I am hearing of it. I'll try to have a look." (Oh, I did mention Harmony already - ...did wonder.) "Again, do also check-out Jae's thread because I pasted-in a whole load of information on people in commerce's changing attitudes to Aspies in the workplace, and the HF Aspie chap behind it all. Basically, you lot have been discovered in terms of your hidden qualities and talents and are set to become the next big thing. And if you already have a job - which you do - they'll soon be looking at you with fresh (and highly intrigued - possibly mascara-ed, wink-wink!) eyes and your bosses thanking the Lord they managed to bag one for themselves (or a thousand...lots of Aspies in your type of work - anything with a clear procedure, uniform, and 'scripted' behaviours/responses...and the other emergency/rescue services, obvs)." > I have always been a bit funny with this sort of thing. Always hid what I am from people. Never a fan of being put on a pedestal." Me neither. I didn't mean you'd suddenly be getting mobbed in every corridor, though, haha. "Not feeling comfy enough to open up is a sign you're with the wrong woman/type and, sense they're not trustworthy. And an Aspie radar is far bigger than an NTs so - you should know? Did your instinct to feel how you feel first, analyse second, get dissuaded out of you, growing up - e.g. 'Oh, you're imagining things, being too sensitive' and such?" > Yeah. A feeling with (sic - will) grow, I will then think how could she like a thing like me, dissuade myself from doing anything, stuff the feelings down and then destroy them. Feels like a bit gets chipped away every time." Why WOULDN'T she. It's not up to her, anyway, any more than it is, you. You and she will get what you're given and bloody love it/each other! I'm serious. What do you mean, a 'thing' like you? "The truth is this: trying to AVOID ever attracting a mate to you is far harder than trying to get one! (I can give you a true story as a prime example if you like?) It's only a matter of time and meanwhile practising talking to women. Try making female friends first (inner circle secrets, yeah boah!). And study up on them (NOT with anyone like bloody Andrew Stupid Exploitative Tate, OBVS), to know how they tick. Next thing you know, you'll finally be ripe enough to start getting picked! (Tip: females are the selectors - they invite you over or give you permission to advance with their eyes so always-always make eye contact first (and smile), don't ever approach from behind, unseen, like those blokes that go from woman to woman in a nightclub - 'Wanna drink?...wanna drink?'/'Eff-off creep!" (he didn't ask PERMISSIIIIION!)." > I'll try, I don't know. Just can't see what someone would see in me." "I take it this Andrew Tate man is not a good man, never heard of him." Nope. You wouldn't want to. But he's ANOTHER reason why a bloke like you is a Catch! You need to research HF Asperger's more. That's why the self-deprecating attitude and self-limiting beliefs. " > I don't know, if anyone would want to match make me. Doubt it." Well, I already would, and if you lived in Spain and we'd met in-person, I right now would be (and she's HF Aspie). Again - it's not your opinion that counts - other than making yourself a bit Eyeore and blocking your all-important self-confidence and -pride. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So just ignore those negative thoughts from now on, don't give them the time of day - and certainly don't keep saying them out-loud (google negative self-talk), because - They. Are. Irrelevant. "I am not just saying this but I don't think I have ever cried, apparently when I was a child I didn't really cry either. Definitely not in the past 20 years anyway. A day will come I probably will." Do you get angry instead?...and beat yourself up, like you've been doing this whole time? "Ooh, that's not good. (You a Night Owl?)" > Afraid not, I don't sleep great. "You realise that Vit D deficiently is no laughing matter and quickly causes "inexplicable" anxiety and/or depression? Do you compensate in your lunch hour by standing outside or beside a sunny window? Just 20 mins it takes. And then stock-up on the weekends? Also eat more eggs. When was the last time you had one? We've just come out of Winter, haven't we. MIGHT BE THAT SIMPLE, or certainly the step-stool you could do with?" > I try and go where I can see outside but I get 15 minutes for a morning break and 30 minutes for my lunch. So getting changed twice and having to get to theatre quickly can eat a good chunk out of it." Get a Daylight lamp and take your breaks sat in front of that instead (they work). Or one better - buy a home sunbed (20 mins max per day or less). And more eggs. Aspies always have problems sleeping. Do you work shifts? PS study is being done on the arctic penguin because it's so busy guarding its pup it can't sleep except for in 4 second bursts. I've always said microsleep works - certainly does on me (20 mins, 40 tops). But you have to practise and set your alarm - preferably one you hate the sound of so that you'll wake up just before it goes off and then won't need it any more. "Oh, and did you catch Covid?" > Probably, times I've been quite ill. But haven't tested positive. But there where times I didn't test as I would not be going out for a week or two anyway." When it came to the later versions, tests started proving ineffectual. But yeah - probably...hospital every day and all that... Because that can do it - and I and everyone else who'd had it, all agreed that it somehow triggered General Anxiety Disorder. Body panicking at this totally alien viral invasion, no doubt (oh, and of COURSE it was bred to be human-contatious in the Woo Han Lab - duu-uu-uuuh?...bat meat, my bottom). Next question: did you start sleeping upside-down, hanging from the rafters? (hahahahah - joke) "Tell me more about what goes on in theatre? I love all that stuff...worked once for a medical film and book publishing co (started my "go anywhere" career skills as a freelancer). And PS before I forget to say: if I were Fishy Sunak aka (mine-) Titchy B*llsack, you lot would be high-paid and treated like the angels you are. (Round of applause on a Thursday night...what a crock of Gaslighting shite!..."You want your applause grilled on both sides, kids?") There IS no meaning without your health. There is no Is. Don't know if you listen to LBC (the Temple of Truth), but - EVERYONE is behind you. Except for (wait for it) pathologically-envious Narcs (dark angels hhhhhhhate white angels the most). They do infiltrate your admirable profession as much as any other, though, as I'm sure you well know. (Psst! Got anyone in your team or hospital that puts on on-edge of behaves iffily?)" > At first it is a very alien environment. Can't walk in certain parts, can't touch certain things. Obviously bits of blood, but it's all controlled. I studied forensics at college and uni before I did my training" WOW - DID YOU!? Did you originally want to go into something like Pathology or Toxicology?...which? "so knew certain things would not bother me." My training on that score was less glamorous than yours. I just used to eat my supper, e.g. spaghetti bolognaise, while sitting in front of the telly, watching a heart transplant, on ...what was it called?...Your Life In Their Hands?...late 70s, early 80s documentary series, BBC2 I think it was. It used to freak my family out - Uuuugh, how can you DOOOOO that?!, as they scarpered from the room (pff - I dunno?...it's fascinating...How can YOU go, How can you do that?). "I definitely ain't no angel." Oh yes you are. (Haha - your turn.) Nobody said you have to be perfect (or in your case, fully-baked before the oven's finished baking) to be an angel. But compared to NTs you are. "They're a good bunch I work with, we lookout for eachother and just try to help and get through the day." Do you ever all go out for a drink together after a shift? " > I am afraid this link does not work." How weird! Let's try it again: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13545/what-should-i-do#jumptobottom If not - go up to (green banner) Forum - Forum Index, and at the top right, put "What Should I do?" in the middle field. In fact, I've just bumped her up so you should see her thread near the top of the Forum Index page (menu of threads). BUT HERE'S THE HF ASPIE'S WEBSITE: https://andrewmarsh.co/the-12-positives-of-aspergers-syndrome-day-3-tenacity-and-resilience/ First-off, though - tell me which of these you could tick as having been the state of play for longer than the last month: ___________________________________________________ High levels of shame or feeling inadequate, unworthy, or “not good enough” Excessive self-doubt and difficulty making decisions independently Codependency or putting other people’s feelings and needs before your own Trust issues and trouble opening up or being vulnerable with others Feeling disconnected from your feelings, wants, and needs Trouble setting boundaries and forming healthy relationships Depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), suicidal thoughts, and substance use ___________________________________________________ "I've never felt very normal." There isn't any normal any more. So now's your chance! "It feels like a few things are off and it disrupts the connections. I've never been good with being open. I'm quite stolid and everything that is let out is filter, edited and controlled. Thank you." It's because you're not wired the same way, and that means you have to practice-practice-practice until it takes. ...which you can do here - and make mistakes at first, naturally. "Yeah people in theatres tend to be a little demented. But funny. I'll have to think it over. Some of the things are difficult without proper context but some of the things we see are pretty awful." Yeah, I know. It's not for the feint-hearted, that's for sure. Big-hearted, yes. Easily freaked - NOOOOO. You'll be able to enlighten your friend as well. And she'll probably go - OMG, YEAH!... and then, How on earth did you manage to work that out, what are ya, Hercule Poirot? And, right before you saunter off, you can say, in a Bond, James Bond way, '......I have contacts'. :D" > It would be nice to have a glow like that. Somewhat felt hollow ever since. Ever since 'The One That Got Away', you mean? Yeah. It will for a while longer, or until you overlay the experience with a positive. All that concentration on studying would have put your grieving on the back-burner, you see...and then straight away going into theatre practise... that and Covid...and other elements.... Makes your emotions go a bit numb, meanwhile. You need a holiday, I reckon. Got anything booked for this year, or just time-off booked? "I have never fully spoken about what goes on inside of my head. Never had a confessor so to speak. If only haha." Bless you, my child. (cheesy grin with challengingly-wiggling eyebrows)

PS: "Did your instinct to feel how you feel first, analyse second, get dissuaded out of you, growing up - e.g. 'Oh, you're imagining things, being too sensitive' and such?" > Yeah." Go into detail...tell about such occasions, including who'd say it, when and why (in reaction to what sort of thing you'd said?), how often....as much and in as much detail as you can recall, ....please, my child (sprinkles Holy Water in your face) (It'll be a whole bucketful next time if you don't answer. I am determined to grab whichever weed it is still taking up space in your brain soil and pull the bugger out. It is doing huge damage. Quicker we pull it out, better you'll feel. So go into detail because, for me it works as a location mapping) (it's dark in there, maaan).

"Don`t do that. You're bound to feel like you don't want them yet. Wanting to NOW is putting the cart before the horse. You're supposed to want them ONLY ONCE YOU'VE FOUND YOUR FOR-LIFE MATCH. You're supposed to get the urge to, not note them down on a life shopping list. Cuddling, kissing, supporting...all of that. As you fall deeper and deeper in-love, it's almost like you've run out of places to express it. So your programmes shift to "Time to Make Mini You". Don't do that to your future self; you have no right to make decisions for a version of you that isn't present to defend himself and argue his case; and it's true that by that time, chances are you'll feel completely the opposite to how you THINK you irredeemably feel today. Or if you do, make sure it's reversible. Don't close off options to yourself. SLAVES have no options, no choices, no escape hatch... and that's what makes them abandon all Hope to become the most miserable and defeated any human can get. 'Keep your options open', it goes. But anyway, what are you reasons? And do you ever find toddlers cute and funny?" > Honestly it is for the best. It's not a recent thought I have had. I've been thinking about it for years but I knew it would be difficult to pursue. It is only now I am taking action on it. I am planning for it to be irreversible. Since I was a teen I knew I never wanted children. "But anyway, what are you reasons? And do you ever find toddlers cute and funny?" > Honestly there are so many reasons. Looking at how the world is and seeing where it is going. I do not want to bring a child into this world. I've thought that since I was a teen. This is further compounded by many more reasons I do not wish for children "Do you have experience with kids of any age? How were your middle- and secondary-school peers? Mainly nice or mainly horrible? Have you any siblings?" > I was a youth worker for a time. But I was a child myself and grew into an instructor role. It was mainly teens. Most were nice, some weren't. My memory is a bit foggy. I have one. They do not want children and to keep details scant they would struggle greatly to have a child if they even can. They have a disease which I am a carrier for. I do believe it is the wisest decision I can make to not have children. "A woman wbo wanted them would get that info out of you quite soon during the dating (mutual interviews) stage and, decide not to take the budding relationship further, leaving you (and she) to find your Like on that score, saving the pair of you from a lot of future tears and heartache. Quite a lot of women genuinely don't want kids. Especially your generation (what's the point, they think...world's going to end anyway) (bloody isn't you know). Or they've had them and don't want to 'go there again'. But even THEY can find themselves all sheepish because they went around claiming they would never-ever want any/another." > Well here's hoping I met someone who didn't want them in the first place. "The cliches (only because they work): special interest/hobby clubs. They're the best. Having that one, strong thing in-common as indicates similar genetic make-up (especially if it's as stark as Taxidermy hahahaha). Going through the Friendship Door first. 'Guardian Soulmates' or is it 'Harmony' (if you HAVE to use them). Even asking your male colleagues if they can fix you up with anyone (sisters, cousins, female friends..). Start with a lamentful, 'Where do you find a good woman, these days.........You guys don't know anyone who's similarly looking, do you?' (or just wait for them to naturally take that cue - either/or)." > I take it 'Guardian Soulmates' and 'Harmony' are dating websites? "You need to research HF Asperger's more. That's why the self-deprecating attitude and self-limiting beliefs." > I'll have to start more. "Well, I already would, and if you lived in Spain and we'd met in-person, I right now would be (and she's HF Aspie). Again - it's not your opinion that counts - other than making yourself a bit Eyeore and blocking your all-important self-confidence and -pride. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So just ignore those negative thoughts from now on, don't give them the time of day - and certainly don't keep saying them out-loud (google negative self-talk), because - They. Are. Irrelevant." > This is true. I will have to try and change my thinking on the matter. It is just ... this is how and who I am. I have always been a bit grim I suppose. "Get a Daylight lamp and take your breaks sat in front of that instead (they work). Or one better - buy a home sunbed (20 mins max per day or less)." > I try to go to the window at least. Doesn't always happen. But I get to at least see outside. "Do you work shifts?" > Yeah, 08:00 - 18:00. I have to drive for about an hour either way. I wanted to go into surveillance amoungst a few other things. But didn't pan out. "Do you ever all go out for a drink together after a shift?" > Very rarely. Something that is said they want to do more but probably never will. "High levels of shame or feeling inadequate, unworthy, or “not good enough” Excessive self-doubt and difficulty making decisions independently Codependency or putting other people’s feelings and needs before your own Trust issues and trouble opening up or being vulnerable with others Feeling disconnected from your feelings, wants, and needs Trouble setting boundaries and forming healthy relationships Depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), suicidal thoughts, and substance use" > I could always to better - self-doubt with certain things - trust issues (probably a lot of variables with that) trust who with what etc. - feeling disconnected I suppose. "You need a holiday, I reckon." > Yeah, I trying to plan a trip. I'm thinking Japan. Always wanted to go there since I was a child. ""Did your instinct to feel how you feel first, analyse second, get dissuaded out of you, growing up - e.g. 'Oh, you're imagining things, being too sensitive' and such?" > Yeah." Go into detail...tell about such occasions, including who'd say it, when and why (in reaction to what sort of thing you'd said?), how often....as much and in as much detail as you can recall, ....please, my child (sprinkles Holy Water in your face)" > It mainly goes I meet someone, get on really well with them. Then it turns in, "oh shut up, why would she like you. The is degenerates from there. Then I usually find out they're with someone anyone because why not find that out at that point. Sorry if I've missed a few things. Keep having to sort stuff whilst typing the response.

Be with you tomorrow V (internet probs and now got guests)!

No worries soulmate. Just take your time :). In no rush.

Cheers! I've had a read but you must have still misunderstood my question because you've basically repeated yourself: ""Did your instinct to feel how you feel first, analyse second, get dissuaded out of you, growing up - e.g. 'Oh, you're imagining things, being too sensitive' and such?" > Yeah." Go into detail...tell about such occasions, including who'd say it, when and why (in reaction to what sort of thing you'd said?), how often....as much and in as much detail as you can recall, ....please, my child (sprinkles Holy Water in your face)" > It mainly goes I meet someone, get on really well with them. Then it turns in, "oh shut up, why would she like you. The is degenerates from there. Then I usually find out they're with someone anyone because why not find that out at that point." My question was: Whom, growing-up, said those sorts of things (basically, you're overreacting/making something out of nothing/reading too much into it)? Tell me whom it was/they were, who treated you insensitively or dismissively (even unwittingly), and give me some example(s) of what it would have been in response to. E.g. if your Teddy had gone missing? If they gave your favourite cup/whatever to someone else? If someone at school had upset you? And everyone you can remember that ever tried to bully/exploit/take advantage of you (and how you reacted)? If you can give me those jigsaw pieces, please, and then I can deal with the rest as well? Ta, mister. PS: you made a really good joke up there, without even realising. The para about the scrubs-changing taking time from your lunch-hour. :D PS: Did you get a chance to check-out Wrong Planet yet?

Heya! ">I have one. They do not want children and to keep details scant they would struggle greatly to have a child if they even can. They have a disease which I am a carrier for. I do believe it is the wisest decision I can make to not have children." Oh, oh, OHHHHH - NOW I get it! Well, that just shows how incredibly morally and socially responsible you are...unselfish and self-sacrificial. However, the downside is, it would make you feel like second-rate goods. NOPE. Not with your counterpart, it wouldn't...which nowadays, should be a doddle to find! Also, as an HF, you've basically trained and de-trained yourself down the scale into that Grey area between Neurotypical and where Aspergers (i.e. detectable by others) starts. It's called Eccentric and that's an advantage! Makes you refreshingly different and bloody indispensible for your innate life wisdom if not social wisdom (yet) because that bit has to be learned via trial-and-error. What strikes me as fascinating, however, is that you're about to launch and meanwhile, landscapes are changing whereby your differences are going to become huge social and worklife bonuses in other people's eyes. It's like the cultural climate is readying to receive you. How did telling me that confession feel, then? Did your head self-combust? :D More like that, please, Bartender (including to my post above), so that I can do my thang properly and get you riper as well as where you're headed, legimitimately a lot faster. Re your carrier status: That does NOT make you defective and having to settle for beneath your league. Again, for the MANY women out there right now who are worried about what their own non-desire to sprog is going to do to their chances at lasting pairbondedness - You've basically got a new, growing market all to yourself and a few (relatively-speaking) others. You can get pets instead. Like Rescue Cats and Dogs if you want to sample the closest thing to a toddler then teenager then adult 'kiddie'. Cats are the most similar to humans, in fact. And there's a famous book called, Do Cats Have Asperger's. So there we go - PURRFECT! And they can still hunt and feed themselves if you're late back for their supper, say. And don't think you can't bond as deeply to a kitten-into-cat as your own human kid because, in the absence of the latter, you bloody can. And it becomes MUTUAL if you always treat them with understanding, sensitivity and respect. Plus with them on your lap, you can cut down on your heating, haha. Plus they're great listeners and naturally fantastic therapy (that soft fur and purring). Plus, it's nice to be kneaded (falls off chair at own corny joke). See? No need to be so down on yourself. Now time to come into yourself and be the opposite - Little Mister Sunshine. That's normally what Aspies (issue-/obstacle-free) are like. ...And that's why I vant you to dtell me aboudt yurrr childt-hoodt...., cliched thought that is. Over to you again on that? Have I missed or forgotten anything? Got a million-and-one things going round my head this week, so tell me if I have? But yeah - how does it feel to be able to spill inside a sort-of confessional box? And my other question - have you Wrong Planet-ed yet? If so, what did you think?

I think you're as cool as uck, actually. Wish you did. Never mind...you will. :)

"My question was: Whom, growing-up, said those sorts of things (basically, you're overreacting/making something out of nothing/reading too much into it)?" > Me. Yeah I've had girls tell me I'm ugly. Who hasn't. But it is me who says the above. "PS: Did you get a chance to check-out Wrong Planet yet?" > yeah I've started to use it. Been getting used to it but been ok so far. "Oh, oh, OHHHHH - NOW I get it! Well, that just shows how incredibly morally and socially responsible you are...unselfish and self-sacrificial. However, the downside is, it would make you feel like second-rate goods." > It's very complicated. There are many reasons including that. It just adds weight to the decision. It has not been made lightly. "...And that's why I vant you to dtell me aboudt yurrr childt-hoodt...., cliched thought that is. Over to you again on that?" > In short. Not really a fan of talking about it. Father was violent. "But yeah - how does it feel to be able to spill inside a sort-of confessional box?" > Alien, I am not sure how I feel yet. Not good with this.

Bear with - got internet problems again (too slow and tenuous a connection), bar little windows, here and there, but am on the case so I'll be with you and my other long-haulers asap.

No worries Soul. Just take your time.

Eyup! Soul... That's a new one, actually, no-one's ever nicknamed me that!..."Air!" There you go - unique person, new angle. :) I like it - cheers! Troule IS....those cycles of despair are still-operational symptoms of your father's mental disposition as (attempted-) shoved too roughly down your neck and now echoing in your bonce. So you have to get them. By talking about them and understanding them thus this time correctly contextualising, dispowering and coming to happier terms with (you end up raising a glass to them/life/God for (inadvertently) having been such amazing mental-gym equipment as, at that point, has left you so strong and confident at last (now that the useless, toxic baggage has been unpacked and binned)). So we've come to a locked gate on your path and only you have the key. And PS: these predator 'girls' sensed YOU think you're ugly and so aimed straight for that nerve. No such thing as ugly. Or beautiful. What decides that is your innards. I've dated model-types...but they weren't nice people (narcs) so too soon their faces began to look reaaally ugly, ugh. It's just a shop-front. You get pretty bored staring endlessly at the shop window display and tend to want to go inside, don't you. And if the shop's crap (shop-window over-sell), suddenly, now, the window display has lost all of its charm. Innit. Beauty (inside as either enhances or ruins one's look) is in the eye of the beholder, meaning, XXXX.. number of women would find you irresistible. FACT-uh! But we need to shrink your dad and throw a spotlight and microscope on him so you can see how small he was and what complete ollocks he'd have repeatedly fed you. ...like getting a virus out of your computer. Actually, not like. Literally. Because he's subliminally passed the abuse baton to YOU so that YOU will continue the brainwashing-maintenance FOR him. It's what they do - or how what they do affects and effects (same diff regaredless of severity). You know almost everyone here's been bullied/abused or spent too long fending it off, don't you? Take as long as you like to get used to the idea. Start with just one wee para and see how your head doesn't explode but feels lighter?? Talk Therapy is the original and best. And FYI, those whom need help and support at a given time and are lucky enough to have operational best friends/shoulders to cry on at the ready already, tend not to need a therapist. Think seriously about talking the ugger (or uggerness) out of your head. Or start charging him rental, eh. Haha.

He probably didn't succeed in brainwashing you that much - or making the misinformation/duping last more than a couple of days at a time, anyway. That's what makes Aspies, Aspies: socially fairly immune and therefore pretty impervious to conditioning/training attempts...unless it makes sense, THEN it can go in. But you need a free mind to monitor like that, and with them, you don't. So you'll brainwashed less but hurt more by the mystery of how any parent could bring themselves to be so abusive to their own child. And you don't have the full, standard interpersonal trust as it is because you're on an alien terrain for starters. It's mistrust and suspicion and a conditioned reflex to clam up and feel threatened at the thought of talking about it openly like NTs because openness got you punished (hurt, disappointed, nervous/on-edge...) as well as round-about punished. But I'm not your father. And this isn't your parents' house. It's your private club. Read other people's threads is my suggestion. Those with the same "problem-ghost" as you, their heads don't explode when they tell it like it was, either. :) I know what you're like anyway. You just need as long as you need to get used to the idea, because it's not your comfort-zone and you need those (ironically, because of him) and then to just dip your toe in. Keep bumping this thread up (with a standard sentance or something if you like) (or a consultant's joke?? :)) and then surprise me. Or don't? Suptoyou entirely, matey. No pressure. :) PS: We have a lovely newbie with highly-suspected "HF autism" (Aspie) on here, look!...calling herself "No_One". (Tsk. What are you two like, eh? Eh? Eh? LOVELY, is what. But it won't show to other people until YOU know it!) (...just saying).

Sorry Soulmate. Have quite a lot going on at the moment. Will try to get back when I can.

No - crikey - me too! Or me a hundred thousand - seems like everyone's having a tough ride at the mo. Take your time, really! And cheers for bumping this up. :)