Worried my sister will go back to her abuser

Not used to writing things down like this instead of just worrying inside my head so I'm sorry if this sounds (reads) convoluted. The title says a lot I suppose but for the sake of clarity I want to explain some things from the beginning. paint a clear picture if you will. My sister, who I'll call Anais, now 24, was in a relationship with a man I'll refer to as George from the ages 16-21. it was a long, tumultuous, period. she would often come running home (the two of them lived together for some time) crying, at first she would refuse to talk about what happened (as she felt that was "betraying" him) but in time it became clear George was abusive of her. in different ways. he would be controlling, jealous, domineering. even when they were still teens there were subtle signs that only grew more apparent. she told me of times where he would lock her in a closet for hours until she had to pee on herself. where he would put cigarettes out on her if he had too much to drink and lock her out of their apartment in the pouring rain. instances where he would beat her, throw her around, make her sit still on a chair for hours and make her say stuff that wasn't true (make her confess to cheating for example, even though she hadn't). three years ago now things escalated so badly anais had to go to the hospital and George was arrested. being in the hospital was what made anais snap out of it and understand it was going to be away from him or into an early grave (which is a quote from her- something she said to me as she was laying in her hospital room, with a black eye and bruises all over her body). George went to prison for what he did. not long enough in my opinion, but he did his time. for anais this time has been really challenging. she lived with me for most of it. a little over a year ago, she met Louis, her current boyfriend, who is a delight. he is super gentle with her and totally accepted my "big sister interrogations" I subjected him to early on. he was understanding, empathetic, honest. they have been an official couple for a while now. they do hobbies together and Louis plays a big role in her healing, anais does various sorts of therapy (like art therapy for example) and louis hangs all the paintings and artworks she makes up in his home. all that to say, imo, he is perfect for her. she agrees with that too. two weeks ago, everything was shattered with the news of George's release. the time he was sentenced to has passed and he was let out. for anais this was startling, insane, life destroying, maybe. the day he was let out she locked herself in her bedroom and refused to come out. would not talk to me or louis or our parents who have also been super worried. then last week when she seemed to be doing better she came home crying again after being out all day and confessed that she had been calling the prison asking about him, his old phone number repeatedly, and even phoned his parents to see if they knew where he is now. She was a total mess, crying and apologizing and insulting herself. I didn't tell Louis. Two days ago then, she had a therapy session scheduled, which I thought was great for her. I felt she was in need of that, to talk to someone who knew her perhaps better than we do. Then she stayed away. For hours. She left in the morning (10) and in the afternoon, at around 2, she was still away, which is not normal for her. I admit it's not the best thing I could have done, but shortly after I called her therapist and she told me Anais had called in sick. That being the first time ever. At 6, Anais came home looking like a shell of the woman she is. I had of course called Louis who came over to mine as we waited for her to come back together. She wouldn't say anything, she seemed hostile towards us, telling us she was a grown woman, she could do whatever she wanted - which is absolutely, 100% true, but I tried to convey to her we were just worried. That we knew it was a difficult time and that we understood her feeling betrayed, sad, angry, maybe at the fact that he was out. she said that she had been having the urge to see him since the day he got out for closure, then explained that she "just" wanted to see him to know for sure if he really "gotten better" and had been "changed" in prison as she believes the prison system is for, wanted to see if he would still hit her. She had somehow figured out where he was now and had gone out to see him. Waited for hours to catch a glimpse. She says she didn't talk to him, just followed him around, wanted to know what he looked like now, what his life is like, where he lives. I think I may sound overbearing and I don't know as well as therapists do what "normal" behaviour is for someone as deeply damaged as my sister, but I do know that I have seen this behaviour. the wondering "would he still do it?". I have seen her wonder this aloud before, and those times, she went back to him. I don't know what to do. If there is a little belief in her heart that he wouldn't again I know she will take him back in a heartbeat. Louis and I have considered reaching out to George himself. It's a terrible idea, I think, but I'm hopeless. I want to protect her but can you really do that?

Sorry for the wait - we're very short on respondents at the mo. If no-one else takes this, I will, but I am limited on opportunities at the mo. and still have 'long-haulers' to keep on top of, so can't promise by-when, only that it'll be by this weekend, latest, MAYBE sooner. Meantime, please feel free to respond, or just say Hi and take an interest, to those queueing alongside you (this is an old-style forum so that's how it'd done). :) PS: Am posting a duplicate of this to the other 3 posters still waiting at the moment.

"she told me of times where he would lock her in a closet for hours until she had to pee on herself. where he would put cigarettes out on her if he had too much to drink and lock her out of their apartment in the pouring rain. instances where he would beat her, throw her around, make her sit still on a chair for hours and make her say stuff that wasn't true (make her confess to cheating for example, even though she hadn't)." WTSF??????????? Havent' read the rest yet (- hah - as if one would even NEED to hear any more!). Right, you're first in the queue tomorrow. Don't worry, and hold your horses until we've had a good chat about this (/him..../"it"). He sounds like more than just a Dominator, he's a Jailor-Torturer. Be with you as soon as I possibly can, WBS!

Meanwhile, read this (noting my comments in double-brackets, plus asterisks to go towards explaining why the sudden over-defensiveness on her part): https://www.thehotline.org/resources/is-your-loved-one-in-an-abusive-relationship/ "It can be so frustrating to see someone you care about in a relationship that seems stressful or unhealthy. It can be heartbreaking to realize that someone you care about is in an abusive relationship. For some people, it can be hard to tell if their loved one is in an abusive relationship. Others may realize what is going on and want to immediately go and “rescue” their loved one or convince them to “just leave.” But unfortunately it is not that simple; doing this could be very dangerous or make the situation worse. In order to truly help a person in an abusive relationship, it’s important to first determine if your loved one is in an abusive relationship. Then, try to understand what they are going through, why they might stay in the abusive relationship, and how you can support and shift power back to them. Is the Relationship Abusive? ((Just a pigging bit?!...jeez.)) The first step in helping someone who is in an abusive relationship is determining if they are experiencing abuse. Learning about the different types of abuse is important because each relationship can look different. Partners who abuse don’t want people to know what is happening and act abusively when alone with their partner. Certain types of abuse, like digital abuse or financial abuse, are also hard to recognize because of how they occur. That’s why an important step for anyone concerned about their loved one is to learn the warning signs. Why a Loved One Might Stay Victims of abuse are in a world of mental and emotional pain and confusion. Abusive people can be extremely romantic and persuasive at the beginning of a relationship. They will do and say anything to make the victim fall for them. Once the victim becomes attached or dependent, the abusive behavior becomes visible with words or through physical action. One tactic that abusive partners often use is to blame their partner for their abusive behavior. The victim begins to believe that it is their fault their partner has “changed” because “they used to be a great person” before the abuse. It’s so difficult to see that their partner, whom they love and care about, is actually manipulating them. Logically, they may realize that they should leave, but there are many reasons why a victim might stay. Like any other relationship, there are feelings of love and emotional attachment. Because of an abusive partner’s manipulation, a victim may believe that the abuse is justified, that they “deserve” it. An abusive partner may make threats to harm the victim, themselves or others if the victim tries to leave. They may use physical force to maintain control, or they may cut off a victim’s resources. Gaslighting is a very common and effective tactic; abusive partners convince the victim that the bad times are not a big deal, that the victim is “crazy” or overreacting emotionally. How to Help When a Loved One is in an Abusive Relationship Keep Communication Open First and foremost, try to keep the lines of communication open with your loved one. Abusive partners will often try to isolate the victim from family and friends. This gives them power and control over their partner with less interference. An abusive partner might tell the victim that no one loves and cares for them as they do, and if the victim has no one to reach out to, they may believe the abusive partner is right. Ask your loved one how they would like to communicate so they feel safe. You might consider sending short, positive texts or emails (if they have indicated it is safe to do so) to let the victim know you are there for them. Messages such as “Just wanted to say hi and know that I love you and I am always here for you’’ can be very encouraging and go a long way. ((Because you're her sister, not her therapist (who can get away with a lot more)...)) *****Focus on the Abuse, Not the Partner***** Try not to speak negatively about the abusive partner. This may put the victim on the defensive because they have already been manipulated to believe that the abuse is their fault. Alternatively, they may feel embarrassed or ashamed that they “allowed” the abuse to happen. It can be very difficult to admit to friends and family that the person they once thought was wonderful is actually abusive. Let them know that the abuse is not their fault. Try to listen without judgment and tell them you’re concerned for their safety. By treating them with kindness and respect, you remind them of how they should be treated. *****Don’t Tell Them What To Do****** Lastly, avoid telling your loved one what they should do. It can be confusing and ***puts an enormous amount of pressure on the victim***. They are already in a situation where someone is exerting power and control over them. Instead, you can help shift power back to them by telling them that you trust that they know their situation best. Let them know you are there to help and support them. Ask them how you can help. You can offer emotional or financial support, create a safety plan with them, or connect them to resources in their area. Most importantly, let them decide what will make them feel safest, whether that includes leaving the relationship or not. It can be hard to tell if your loved one is in an abusive relationship or not ((- obviously not applicable in this severe case)). It’s also challenging to know what are the best ways to help someone when they are experiencing abuse. If you’re uncertain or worried about a loved one, our advocates are available 24/7 to offer support, insight, and resources. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I have more to explain about her defensiveness and surprisingly hostile- and ungrateful-seeming reactions (emphasis on seem, whereas, IME, it's actually a good sign). No panickez-vous, I'll, as I say, bust a gut to make a window for you tomorrow. And - aren't you a truly lovely sister. :)

(Bumping you back up for tomorrow.)

I'll tell you a story about myself where I as a father, belted my youngest daughter's drug dealing BF within an inch of his life for him bashing her black & blue. He went to IC & then jail & eventually served 18 months while I was convicted of assault & battery. The fact that I went actively looking for him after he threw some clothes into a bag & ran, is what weighed against me in court. Some of his family were hostile towards me but then others reckoned he copped his just desserts. (shrugs) ..and then what happens? He limps out of jail & my daughter's there to greet him. She spent 2 days with him talking things through & she has never, to my knowledge, ever spoken to him since. After he was jailed, my daughter was angry at me for a while but then she came around to my way of thinking, but she has always said that she needed to talk to him after he got out so she could get full closure. Your sis could be thinking the same thing, but one thing I learned was to give my daughter the space to do what she had to do to get on with her life without him & their past weighing her down. If she had gone back to him, it would have been awkward to say the least, but then I would have had to respect her wishes as she was & is a consenting adult. I didn't have much say in the matter apart from defending her without thinking about the consequences. I did ask her would she have gone back to him after he got out of jail & she shook her head no, as she'd realised in talking to him in those 2 short days after he was released, that just how big of a piece of work he was even though she still had some feelings for the wanker. She's now in her early 40s & is still single but a happy, doting Aunty to a whole clan of nephews & nieces. Good Luck with your sister.

Wow, Mannie! I hope all you got was a fine or suspended? I'm with you and I think anyone sane, with kids, and a fully-working parental instinct would be. Really, you were only disarming his body and muscles so that he wouldn't be capable of following-up - because - who knows - maybe he'd have killed her next time if you hadn't? Food for thought, huh. "Some of his family were hostile towards me but then others reckoned he copped his just desserts. (shrugs)" I.e. Some of his family were Flying Monkeys, including drama-lovers, but then others who'd been in whatever ways persistently mistreated/scammed by him reckoned he copped his just desserts. (Shrug no more! :)) And re your daughter: Yeah, like our Thea (if you've read her thread yet?). She, too, was determined to get answers, and so strung HIM along for a bit in order to get it. Your daughter was no doubt angry at the time because she thought you'd scuppered her chances. Bet she's pleased and proud of you now? Especially as she's a quasi/back-up-mum herself. I mean - no abuser goes from Nought to Sixty like that, same as rapists don't become rapists overnight, either. There had to have been a long build-up, starting with verbal in the early days and then escalating to physical. Where were the Police (crime prevention) then? And what about any neighbours - were they deaf? But, remember: no adult in her position is capable of being Consenting. Psycho-emotionally caged and with her ability to make a serious decision, chipped away from her. I'm not even bothered that you didn't asterisk. That creep deserves all the vowels. In fact, 'banker's' putting it too mildly. And this is why I say to all new fathers: as soon as she's 7 or 8, get her into karate or kick-boxing. And then she'll be able to live a truly free life. Shame that at the close of those two days she didn't whack him herself. Right in the crown jewels. And I'd have beaten him to a pulp as well (it's the only consequence that works/lasts!), and I'm not even her father! For starters, it's obvious he put her off romantic relationships for-life (so far, anyway). Furthermore, I expect the injuries you left him with made him have to really a*se-lick all the inmates (possibly literally!), as well as stay on best behaviour (Walking On Eggshells, anybody? haha) with the prison staff. (They're welcome! :p) Giant Gold Star on your forehead from me, anyway: Thlup! :) PS: What's happened to him ever since?

So, reading all of that - what do you think, WorriedBigSis?

Soulmate, I've heard squat about him these past 20 or so years. As we've moved 500k from the area where it all happened, we hear buggar all & care less.

"As we've moved 500k from the area where it all happened, we hear buggar all & care less." Good decision to move! Was that incidental or a deliberate measure at the time? They say you can't run away from your problems by changing location/country. You CAN if your problems are on legs Baggah awll an kier liss? Haha - that's the spirit! Anyway, fab illustration/example. :)

WBS, am I waiting for you or are you waiting for me? You still there?