Sad and complicated situation, any advice pls? :(

Hi all, I’m new here so I apologise if this is in the wrong section. I would love if someone can give me some advice or just help me understand if I’m in the wrong, sorry if this is long! Here’s some backstory: been with my fiance for 5 years, we got a lovely relationship and have been through a lot together. We’re in our early 20s so he’s just finished school and moved back with his mother, I live alone at my own place. His mother and I have never really got along, I try to be polite and stay out of her way but she always manages to find a way to make unnecessary rude comments or judgemental stares etc. we’ve had some back and fourth argument moments but nothing as bad as yesterdays argument. For years I have put up with her looking down at me, talking to me like as if I’m a child who doesn’t understand and is always wrong, she insults my family to my face, she has made sneaky remarks about my weight gain ( I had an eating disorder she was aware of prior to my recent gain) but she does these remarks in a way that come across as being “helpful” or “nice” but the way she does it so unnecessarily makes me see otherwise. She’s made me feel little and unwelcomed ever since her husband left her, before this she was still a bit judgemental towards me but it wasn’t as bad. She has always been aware of her treating me bad because my partner brought it up at one point and she said “I’m making more effort because I can see the way your fathers parents treated me isn’t right” so she basically admitted to treating me bad because that was the treatment her in-laws gave her. This didn’t make sense to me because as a grown woman, who’s supposedly doesn’t like the way SHE was treated, surely you’d know that being mean for no reason isn’t normal? Anyways, I let everything slide and just sit quiet most of the time because I’m a shy person and when I feel uncomfortable, I just awkwardly laugh and avoid where possible as I hate conflict. This changed yesterday. So yesterday I spent a few days at their home with my partner, when we went shopping I got some new cleaning supplies for my apartment because they were cheap and supposedly good. She spots them, asks what they are etc and I explain. All good. Then, she starts saying “so they’re not environmentally friendly then…” and started pulling faces at me, I didn’t think it was that serious so I just said “ I suppose not but they’re good and cheap” then she started lecturing me and being quite “stern” and then I cracked a joke saying “well the worlds ending anyway so it’s all g” CLEARLY THATS A JOKE RIGHT? Or am I just insensitive? Because then she YELLED “DO NOT SAY THAT WE DONT SAY STUFFF LIKE THAT” and started full blown yelling telling me off as if I’m some naughty child. At this point, I had enough. I snapped back, and yelled in response telling her “it’s a joke. Don’t ever speak to me like that I’m not a child” and she kept on and then started accusing me of “triggering” her, because of the joke I made. I eventually just told her to leave me be. She didn’t expect me to react, because normally I would’ve sat there and took it and just brushed her off. But this time I snapped because I’m fed up of constantly being spoken to that way, and the way she started raising her voice at me genuinely rubbed me the wrong way, because if I let that slide once, she will 100% think it’s acceptable to do it again and again. My partner left the room but came back in 10 minutes after and told me he sees my point and understand my reaction, but I “didn’t need to yell back the way she yelled at me” basically he thinks I should’ve just let her yell at me, sit there and take it. Now I understand I’m a guest in her home, which is also why I’ve kept peaceful all the other times she’s insulted or been rude to me, but I was not about to let a 50 year old woman YELL and lecture me like some naughty kid, especially when all I did was crack a petty joke. Literally straight after he went downstairs not even 10 minutes afterwards to eat food with her, while I was crying upstairs and originally he was meant to come back home with me that night, but he came up and said he’s staying home to “think about things” because he’s “torn” . He’s in an awkward position I completely get that, but he knows that I’ve been feeling the bad feelings from her for years and has even said he noticed himself that she doesn’t like me especially because the way I’m treated is the complete opposite to the way his sisters boyfriend gets treated. My partner and I haven’t been talking much since it happened, we’re meant to have a chat today because he isn’t sure if he wants this anymore. He knows where I stand, I love him loads but I also have to respect myself enough to not put up with that. It’s his mother at the end of the day, not mine. We’re grown adults and there’s no need to speak this way to grown adults. If she was uncomfortable with my joke, tell me, I will instantly apologise. But to be yelled at? It’s humiliating! My partner seems scared to upset her, I’ve seen with my own eyes how she plays the victim when it suits her and can be quite manipulative, I’ve never bought into her nonsense but of course I can sympathise with him because it’s his own mother and he loves her. Which is why I’ve tried so hard to be respectful over the years. Everyone has a breaking point, and I’ve hit mine. OKAY IM SORRY FOR HOW LONG THIS IS LMAO it’s a whole essay but I really want some outsider points of views, or advice, because I’ve spoken to family and friends who have been amazing support but I understand they might have a lil bias bc they’re close to me. If I’m completely in the wrong I will hold my hands up! Thank you all so much for reading if you got this far lol, anything is appreciated

Hey, You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve had all your buttons pushed, been shouted at, spoken down to, for years and finally (no wonder really) you exploded and shouted back. Defending yourself feels quite weird when you do, do it for the first time but learning to be assertive, especially to someone like your partners mum is a good thing. once you do it it’s gets easier. By the sounds of it she has issues that she has t dealt with. she clearly isn’t happy and is being a huge hypocrite if her in laws spoke to her way. You would think she’d be the opposite. She taking anger out on you. Your partner has been raised by her so he’s probably used to his mum speaking to others and him like this. So yes she is his mum, he loves her I can see why he’s torn but he needs to have your back. Otherwise your relationship might not work and his mum will be the same with any other relationships he has. He needs to stick up for you A LOT more and not tolerate the shouting or rude comments any more. Clearly no one has ever stood up to her. Personally I would keep her at arms length for a bit, and you and your partner stay at your place more to talk about this. she’s probably not going to apologise to you because people like her never do! So you’re going to have to tackle her together. Hope this helps.

Yeah it's all good to have a loving 5 year relationship but your fiancé is with you, not his mother. You probably need to be congratulated for putting up with so much nonsense for so long but it's your partner who needs a good talking to. If he had you on a pedestal, he'd be sorting his mother's behaviour instead of bowing down to it. His situation is awkward because he allows it to be awkward & he allows himself to be manipulated by his mother...but anyway, his actions are all you need to look at as he's pretty much made up his mind which way to go. All you need to do now, is sort your head & your heart as your gut is already talking to you about the whole situation.

AHHHHHH....He's mummy's wickle sol-dieerrr, awwww... (Hi!) Do NOT ever cohabit that mini-manipulator with the giant, mentoring manipulator of a mother! You definitely do marry the family, not just the man/woman, and it seriously mars EVERYTHING. Reason he won't take her to-task is because, leaving aside how he behaves with her (all obsequiously and placatory, I'll bet) - he can't possibly when, with everyone else, including or especially his partners, HE'S THE EXACT SAME AND CANNOT CAST THE FIRST STONE'. Plus, it's 'no big deal', it's just you, making a fuss. Know how I know? Easy: He's tooooorn. You can just wait theeeere....while he has a think about iiiiit....for some indeterminable perioooood.....boo-hoo-himmmmm (and screw you). He's not torn at all. He's applying the thumb-screws to make you eventually fold and agree to from now on do it HIS way (put up with it). This having second thoughts is reasonably, logically, emotionally-logically, YOUR prerogative, NOT HIS?!?! (the cheeky effer!!). However, he's got you nicely distracted from that reality, hasn't he. "Stealing The Victim Cloak" / "Turning The Tables" (prefix Covert Vulnerable). You wouldn't have realised any of this because (1) you've been too busy having had to focus on her (including Walking on Eggshells) - clearly a bona fide Narc (no *genuinely* adult mother would behave like that!), (2) and by the sounds of it, on him, and (3) he's not yet had a chance to get you properly behind closed doors (living together, increasingly invested and reliant on him). He's worse than her. Malignant Coverts and Covert-Vulnerables (silent-but-deadly) FREQUENTLY hang out with noisy, drama-creating Overts. As a cover....camoflage.... human smoke & mirrors. They have no loyalty....Only to themselves. So obviously, the situation as stands, suits him. (With a mother like that, though - how could ANYONE come out healthy-minded?) You've BEEN through a lot together or (sit and think carefully), - OR, it's truer to say, he's PUT/DRAGGED YOU THROUGH a lot ...but then rescued you after (put you out of his misery, more like), whereby your brain tricks you into thinking that he was as upset by the clash/argument (and now as regretful) as you, when, actually, they're enjoying being able to push your buttons until you eventually foam at the mouth and/or explain/defend yourself to exhaustion. Makes them feel clever, superior, important, and in total control over how you think/feel/act/react/dare or else you just can't be bothered to self-defend any more. So - Option A: you text him tomorrow and tell HIM how it's going to be - 'AC-TUALLY!' - as it's not his decision because he's not the one who was deliberately humiliated, shocked and belittled whilst put through the verbally aggressive and downright hostile abuse wringer, and also, because it wasn't YOUR parent that's made HIM have to think twice. Nobody abused HIM? How come he thinks HE'S the victim in all this? Or - what....Is his idea of abuse, this: he - or his mother - not constantly getting their own spoilt way. (That IS the recognised definition of when a Narcissist tries to make out that YOU are the abusive one.) Were it me, however, I wouldn't even bother. I think his appallingly disloyal and anti-protective stance went too far. I mean - sticking-up for you in that instance should be a No-Brainer - right?! BECAUSE SHE WAS COMPLETELY IN THE WRONG! So I'd take heed of this humungous Red Flag and ("wiv regret") dump the dud while you have this opportunity. Sure, he suited you when you were both still immature, but, now - only one of you has developed and matured, including emotionally-socially. I mean - you've used the common vernacular yourself, so you must realised - if both of them aren't Narcs, then, they're doing a stunningly convincing impression - don't you think? You can already SEE he's stunted or just too immature for you, because you're living like an adult, having moved-out, and he's chosen to go back to living like a 12-year-old with mummy. And HAPPILY,...whereby he'd rather alarm, discombobulate, threaten and GASLIGHT you ("if you complain at the abuse - you're the real problem, hence I need to think about whether or not to keep you") back into the relationship", forever after, never daring to make the slightest complaint or protest "in case" this time he actually dumped you). He'd rather risk losing you than lose his cushy, daily, living set-up and perks by insisting to his mother that she behaves less antisocial towards and around his Steady girlfriend. Option B: I say, let him be torn and have his think (pff). But give him a tight deadline, eh. That should put the power firmly back where it belongs - with you. But Option A is better for you: 'I've realised it's ME who should be having a good, long think about us. But, nice try. I'll let you know...' (- which you say by text, and then you simply down-tools and refuse to be drawn into a text argument....just "play dead" to let him get more and more frustrated and wound-up, into furious that you're not acting the way he wants/expects/insists you do, defying his "authoritah!", so that you finally get a really good flash of his truer innards. As, although he may have been milder prior to this incident, now he's under pressure because he can TELL that it put you decidedly off...hence trying to switch you from flee back to chasing. Their ego LITERALLY cannot take being dumped, it has to be THEIR choice and decision so that they can kid themselves they weren't abandoned (fired) for being Fire-able!) PS: Bet when you're not there, she cuts off his breadcrusts and, basically, waits on him hand and foot. COURSE Little Lord Fontleroy doesn't want to piss her off. What - and lose that cushy, money-money-money-saving number? Or does he pay rent? I'm betting not. I'm betting she wouldn't dare push it because it (she thinks!) took enough to get him to agree to move back in (something for her to do and a substitute husband) to begin with....and he obviously likes threatening his relationships...and he's obviously made her ridiculously insecure - hence thinking she's in competition with YOU and acting accordingly ("feck-off, can't you?!")...., now upping her ante. He probably doesn't mind it because she's PRIMING you for him. For when HE starts to talk to you like that. He's got two women who SHOULD get along with one another, at each other's throats, look. He has all the power to stop it but - does he UCK. No...because it suits him JUST fine. Sorry, but there you have it. What he's just failed to do, and is attempting, manipulatively/unjustly, to do right now, is a massive Dealbreaker. Google "Narc - The Silent Treatment" or "Threatening To End The Relationship". Covert-Vulnerable, Cerebral Narcissist, IMO. All the hallmarks, including that putting-you-down under guise of CARING about you (rot..trying to get away with abuse, more like).