Upset

I like to buy nice things for the home. I’m very materialistic and I like to buy orament, plants and little things to make it cosy. I recently bought a new plant and ok it’s just some plants but my husband did not even noticed them. I had to show him and he even thought one of the plants was one that was there before. I just wanted him to notice it and say it was nice. Ok I like these things snd I know men are not that interested in stuff for the home but I’m making the home nice for us both. He does notice my hair when I get it done so that’s a good thing but am I being filly fit him not caring or noticing. I’m spending my money. On the home on these things not him.

Maybe he actually dont care as much as you do for material things? I used to be just like you 5 years ago. Maximise the aestetics by things. Then i became a minimalist for the environmental protection causes and i stopped buying, donated and sold more than 70% of all my stuff. Now i have a clean and minimalistic home BUT the things i choose is warm, cozy and its really homie in my home. I have to mini sofas in orange velvet, a white dining tables, two white long closets that fits all my clothes (i have around 30 pieces + 5 pairs of shoes + socks and underwear *per season) I dont have a lot of stuff, three small plants, a cupboard for my dishes a drawer for my cutlery, airfryer, nespresso mashine, microwave, computer, fan, heatfan for winter, phone, blender and a lamp. Thats it for devices

"I like to buy nice things for the home. I’m very materialistic and I like to buy orament, plants and little things to make it cosy. I recently bought a new plant and ok it’s just some plants but my husband did not even noticed them. I had to show him and he even thought one of the plants was one that was there before. I just wanted him to notice it and say it was nice. Ok I like these things snd I know men are not that interested in stuff for the home but I’m making the home nice for us both. He does notice my hair when I get it done so that’s a good thing but am I being filly fit him not caring or noticing. I’m spending my money. On the home on these things not him." That's not being materialistic, FGHUUT, that's called being House Proud and thinking & functioning like a healthy woman or home-owner should, so, good on ya! Who's kept calling it materialistic? You spend YOUR money on making the home that's his as much as yours (presumably?) look beautiful?...and presumably clean and shiny (the two tend to go hand-in-hand)...whereby, he could bring any friend or work colleague back on the spur of the moment, and feel proud (instead of having to say, Scuse the mess)?...especially as a loved house is "women's flowers" to her man/family? Air, how verray dhaaare hyou! That's your husband's failure/inadequacy, not yours. Course he notices them - he ain't blind?! He obviously cares about how YOU look, but, because it's not important to Bagpuss, then it shouldn't be important to his 'friends', either (rolls eyes). It's called non-compassionate and inability (or refusal?) to relate. And on your part: Nesting instinct (whether or not you've got kids). So YOU function well, then? Now back to Mr WTF-Is-His-Problem, from Unappreciativeville, Self-Centredton... Mildly, but, still... And what's all this, having to use your own money business? Own money?? Spill, please...don't like the sound of that at all. Unless you have an arrangement whereby you both direct-debit your (proportionate?) half into the bill-paying and savings joint account and are left with the same amount each as disposable income in your private current accounts? What's the arrangement there? And is it/was it ever an arrangement or did you tie the not without a sit-down meeting about such 'materital infrastructure' in order to ensure you were financially compatible? Let's make sure about the former issue... "I had to show him and he even thought one of the plants was one that was there before. " So even though he undoubtedly could tell (from X no. of previous such occasions) why you were asking/presenting the new plants - he STILL didn't provide any signs of appreciation and instead DEFENDED himself for not noticing by saying he thought one of them Could you regurgitate the narrative and dialogue between you, please, starting with whatever you said to draw his attention to your new (quite minor!) embellishments? Doesn't need to be verbatim, but as much as you remember, or, how he made you FEEL he had said. Already, I feel like, if I were his spouse, I'd have left the pots on his side of the bed and said, 'NOW do ya like them!' and in my head ('ya miserly fecker'). It's mean. And that's that. Does he give a sh*t? Or is he always worried about money?...and that's why you're using your (presumably) disposable income on joint marital necessities, like GOOD HOUSEKEEPING? (Bah!) (Thoughts quickly turn to potted plants (babies lol).....Sounds gorgeous. A home doesn't feel homely without them. He's a lucky ucker. AND MAYBE HE KNOWS IT AND THAT'S THE-sorry, HIS PROBLEM?? Dan-dan-daaaaan....!) PS Kindness: Orange velvet sofas....Oooooooh, nnnnice! "Thats it for devices" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, of course - what else could there be? ;) (Cheers for the giggle)

(Tsk! - Knot. My K dropped off.)

Nothing wrong with making your home cozy because I like a cozy home too. Your home is suppose to be comfortable and cozy. I think you're husband does appreciate what you do for the home, but most men don't really find those things interesting. Has nothing to do with him not paying enough attention to you or what you're doing. He's used to you keeping the house comfortable for the two of you so him not noticing one thing shouldn't be a reason to feel like he's ignoring your efforts. You're being paranoid. You're doing a great job, and I believe that he thinks so too. Keep it up!

Hi again, AskJateace. Just a friendly heads-up (plus I think the OP is long gone) as you're new and might not have read the Home page and forum rules yet before having begun posting: Please don't judge without citing supportive evidence or intellectual substantiation of your 'suspicions' (showing your workings-out), nor especially ever tell any thread-owners/OPs (Original Posters) - including vicariously any readers/lurkers in her same boat - that they're 'being paranoid'. If you feel someone is being that, it's best not to respond at all. It could put off other visitors from starting threads if they think they're going risk leaving themselves open to being blamed for their *spouse's* lack of good behaviour/unkindnesses on such a elementary, fundamental level, without provocation. Paranoia is when there's zero incoming evidence; she has ample. I mean, even a young son around age 6 would know to answer with a reassuring, 'Yes, it looks great, Mummy/Daddy, really pretty!' (which it obviously always does or else she wouldn't be all eager and hopeful that THIS time he surely must show SOME appreciation). We're taught these kindnesses in nursery school. So why can't a grown man and husband? She's not asking him to do hand-stands, eh. Her post contained zero basis for 'believing that he thinks she's doing a great job too', given that there's no such indicator *whereas* there is what logically is a pattern of too-avoidable deprivation on this score as heavily indicates the distinct opposite. It's when it goes on for too long or finally reveals itself as TOO MUCH, TOO CONFUSING for one person, that those on the receiving end seek help. If they feel forced to choose a public forum then they're beyond acknowledging the fact that they cannot handle their spouse/lover single-handedly - and are now desperate for answers - all of which is a huge Red Flag in itself as it's NOT NORMAL to need a third party to intervene over something universally considered too simple and easy to 'confront' and jointly fix. Relationship Basic. She undoubtedly has had to put up with things HE likes to do/talk about that she doesn't, over the years. Everyone does. Because no two people are ever TOTALLY matching or compatible, so that's normal part-and-parcel of marriage, called accommodation, reciprocation, encouragement/support/champion-ing, or at that simple level - plain courtesy and manners....LOVING behaviour. What's so hard, anyway, about taking 1 piddly minute on one lungful of breath to show you care about and are grateful for the fact that THEY actively care in a way that's universally deemed good and which the spouse is deemed to benefit from in more ways than the obvious (or should if they're normal)? Why upset her every time when, it bears repeating, pleasing her would take such trifling effort on his part and do the relationship good? So I don't see how you came to that conclusion, but, that wouldn't have been a problem had it not led to a summing-up with the paranoia line, as, unfortunately, it's a main feature of verbal Gaslighting (dismissive, undermining, belittling, playing dumb, disingenuous...), which can thereby impact as Victim-Blaming, even Triggering...basically compound abuse. You weren't to know, though (and your other posts I've so far seen are very good), so - just to help you henceforth. :)