Disappointment and sadness - what could have been

Just had a short 3/4 month relationship come to an end and this one as you’ll see really hurts because of my history and lack of success in this area. I recently turned 41 and she’s 33, both Christians and we met online and even during our text conversations, I could feel such a spark and connection like I’ve not felt before. We’re in different cities so we knew this would be a long distance relationship if it was to head that way. The first meeting went really well and for the next two months or so we met a handful of times, texted every day when not seeing each other and overall I felt happy and this was the most promising dating situation I’ve had in many years. There were a few doubts even early on, on my part, like I wasn’t all that sure how well we really got on and whether the connection/spark was more of a physical attraction because that definitely was there! Even so, I thought we get on so well, we had a shared faith and values, she told me she felt so comfortable with me, quicker than it usually takes for her and felt secure and safe. I felt like this was going to lead to something serious. Anyway, about 6 weeks ago now, we opened up about each others pasts. I was ready to accept whatever her sexual history was. However, what I was not expecting was to tell me that she had genital herpes. This totally shook me and caught me off guard as I went through this exact same situation almost 10 years ago with a different woman who had it as well. I didn’t think it would happen again. My initial reaction to this current girl was I found out later, not what she was expecting even though she did say herself for me to take my time to process it and if that changes things, then it’s ok. I felt so sad in that moment and I thought I had reacted calmly but clearly she could read me and the next day sensed that something was up as I didn’t feel myself either. Now for the next 2 weeks, I admit my feelings towards her did change as I was processing through the issue and she again I think picked this up. We did see each other one more time in-person after the revelation and I mentioned how I have been feeling about everything and was honest in my concerns. She said she had been a feeling a little unsettled with me for the first time since she shared but wanted me not to be anxious and worry about this. I remember I did express I wanted to continue and see where things went because I do like her and see great qualities in her and see a potential future with her. Then I went on an overseas work trip shortly after and everything was fine until the last few days of that trip when I started to notice her being very cold and distant with her texts. She said she felt disconnected for many reasons. Ever since she told me about her herpes, she has been looking for signs of acceptance from me and she feels that there was a shift in communication from my end. I wasn't as complimentary and affectionate etc. over text and we didn't call as often. Some of this is true, there was a shift on my part because I guess I was still trying to process her having herpes and the long term impact that it could have. I was going through a wave of emotions myself trying to deal with it. She felt something had changed for me and I had taken a step back. Looking back on this now, I do think I was focusing more on myself and my feelings rather than hers and that was my mistake. She did mention she had serious doubts about our spiritual compatibility too and the fact that we could be different in these areas. After I got back, we met in-person and talked it through and the thought of losing her shook me up again and I realise I didn't want to lose her. From that moment I wanted to make this work. After that I didn't see her for two weeks but in that time she continued to be distant and cold with me consistently, despite the fact that I made a huge effort to show her that I do want to commit to her and make things work and what I think of her. I noticed our phone calls, she was almost annoyed, fault finding over trivial issues. I sent her chocolates once, made an effort to call her, checked in with her, told her how I felt, not every day but enough to make her aware that I was serious about her. But I just wasn't getting anything back from her and her compliments towards me which were daily before, were now non existent. Her texts which were affectionate and long were now cold and short. I sensed the end was coming but in my mind if I saw her in person things could be different. So I held onto some hope. Not to be. Fast forward to yesterday I travelled to see her and we brought things to an end. She said she hasn't changed her position, she's still feeling disconnected despite trying to get back to where we were, she just can't. We barely talked about the herpes but instead she brought up the compatibility issues, how we aren't similar on certain things etc kind of vague. Now annoyingly she said she didn't plan to have this conversation but just hang out and see how things go today which seems contradictory, because in person things might be different! So, if I hadn’t brought up all this, we may well still be together. But in truth, she wasn’t going to switch back just like that and I couldn't pretend that nothing was wrong because clearly that's not the case as she was being so cold and distant the moment we met yesterday. At one point I just asked her straight out do you want to continue, just be honest and say if you don't want this. She said she wasn't sure and that we can put a pause on things. Basically it seems she just isn't sure. However we then went for a walk, had a pizza before I got my train home later in the evening. Those few hours we just chatted and caught up and it was nice I thought. I should have just left but I thought if I hang out with her a bit longer then maybe she can reconnect even in that short time. When it was time to say goodbye, I asked her again, what do you want to do... She said I don't think it's right to continue and that she's sorry. And that was it. We hugged, said goodbye and went our separate ways. So it's definitely the end. I won't be texting her or contacting her again, perhaps a Christmas message later in the year but that’s it. She said herself I did nothing wrong the entire time we were together. And maybe that's why she was conflicted and unsure herself about ending it. I do think these compatibility issues are valid, sure but I do genuinely think once someone really likes you then surely they will do whatever they can to make things work and try to look past them. It's not as if I said I'm not going to church anymore or I don't read my bible etc. The differences she brought up were important to her though, so what can I do. I believe I did everything I could from treating her as well as I could to deciding to commit to her after that period and showing her my intentions and being patient as I could. But it wasn't enough and ultimately her reactions, the physical distance between us, the advice she was perhaps receiving from friends or whoever were all out of my control. I do wonder though, whether this other stuff only came up because of the herpes revelation? This was the catalyst and from there she started thinking about all the other issues. Guess will never know. I realise this wasn’t very long at all but for me to experience someone who was into me, so affectionate, I was even in her dreams at night, to suddenly shut down those feelings literally overnight, that hurts. This is the first time since like perhaps 2009 that I've been with a girl who has shown me this level of affection and attention. That's like 15 years! I know it was genuine and real from her and maybe I took it for granted slightly thinking this could be it, this is going to last and she'll be here because of how strongly she felt. It's difficult enough to meet someone who I deeply connect with, find attractive. I have waited years for this. I was extremely down about not meeting someone before her, and then I met her and for a brief moment, there was hope and I dared to finally believe that this could actually work. But it's ended like every other promising situation and now I'm back to where I was. And now I'm going to think with the next girl, I fear the same outcome after a promising start. I wish I could just give up sometimes and at 41, it may not be too late but time is not on my side. Sorry this is so long and appreciate if you've made it this far.

Sorry for the wait! Not enough posters playing respondents at the mo. Please bear with us and someone will respond (When, not If). :)

FINALLY! So sorry again, TearingInside. Let me dive straight in... (am deliberately not reading ahead so as to feel the reactions you felt): "Just had a short 3/4 month relationship come to an end and this one as you’ll see really hurts because of my history and lack of success in this area." Okay. "I recently turned 41 and she’s 33," That's 8 years difference. And starkly different developmental and life stages. Was that deliberate on your part or just what Fate handed you? "both Christians and we met online and even during our text conversations, I could feel such a spark and connection like I’ve not felt before." Potential Red Flag (note that for next time: true love builds slowly. Wobbly Knees can potentially be over-arousal due to subconsciously sensing you're in the presence of a social predator, as well as Lust). "We’re in different cities so we knew this would be a long distance relationship if it was to head that way." So which one of you thought you could have the best of both worlds - the emotional intensity without the associated amount of presence normally involved? "The first meeting went really well and for the next two months or so we met a handful of times, texted every day" Texted every day. Not Normal for that early on. Red Flag. So how many times per day was he texting you? Did it start every morning with something like, 'Good Morning, Beautiful!'? "when not seeing each other" When DID you see each other? How often, for how long? I suspect, not much, compared to text - due to the fact you've steered away from specifying. Correct? "and overall I felt happy and this was the most promising dating situation I’ve had in many years. There were a few doubts even early on, on my part, like I wasn’t all that sure how well we really got on and whether the connection/spark was more of a physical attraction because that definitely was there! Even so, I thought we get on so well, we had a shared faith and values, she told me she felt so comfortable with me, quicker than it usually takes for her and felt secure and safe. I felt like this was going to lead to something serious." Typical. "Anyway, about 6 weeks ago now, we opened up about each others pasts. I was ready to accept whatever her sexual history was. However, what I was not expecting was to tell me that she had genital herpes." WHAT THE SERIOUS BEEP???????????????????? And how long had she waited for you to become too hooked to there-and-then end it as easily as you should normally have been capable of doing? FYI, that sort of information should be divulged by the third date. BET SHE DIDN'T. "This totally shook me and caught me off guard" I'll bet! " as I went through this exact same situation almost 10 years ago with a different woman who had it as well." Oh good GRIEF! And she was a Dealbreaker-hider/witholder-until-it's-too-late Narc too? "I didn’t think it would happen again." Well, no. You wouldn't, would you! What were the bloody chances! Hey - wait up... (click-whirr-click...). Had you TOLD her before this point that your last had had Herpes? "My initial reaction to this current girl was I found out later, not what she was expecting even though she did say herself for me to take my time to process it and if that changes things, then it’s ok." Are you saying, she didn't even TELL you, but that you found out? "I felt so sad in that moment" Again - well, you would! "and I thought I had reacted calmly but clearly she could read me and the next day sensed that something was up" Sensed that somthing was up? Noo - REEEALLY? (She playing dumb or what?) I'm going to pause there because whether she knew about your Ex before she confessed or you found out (whichever) provides the all-important context to the rest. Roger - Over?

PS: How and from whom did you find out?

I'm sorry about your breakup. I think you're absolutely right when you say that the one major problems, made her look at all the others. I think what really happened is that when she revealed to you her condition, you may have reacted in a way that triggered something in her. Perhaps she felt like you were disgusted by her condition. Not saying that you were, but she may have taken it that way and it made her completely shut down. Revealing something like that isn't easy. And when you reacted, it made her feel somewhat rejected, even if you were willing to continue to see her. It just snowballed from there.