Working out relationship, friend dislikes and wants to control it

Hello all! On here looking for advice about a situation with boyfriend I've been having. So backstory: my boyfriend and I were in a relationship for until just ten days shy of making it a year. Both himself and I were never in a relationship of that length before in our lives before we met each other through a friend of his back in September of last year. The friend and I had met on a dating site and after about a week or two of dating, decided to break up mutually due to personal problems he was dealing with. The following day, my now boyfriend got my number from his friend and the rest is history. Back to the original story: my boyfriend and I, after not talking to each other for about a week or so prior to yesterday, decided to try to work things out as far as our relationship since we both still have strong feelings for each other. Lately, my boyfriend's friend (we will call him Jake) does not like the idea of me and my boyfriend working things out. the day me and my boyfriend stopped talking, Jake used my boyfriend's phone to send a really nasty text message to me. I didn't really let that bother me much and I only found out he did that through my boyfriend telling me about it. Now here is the problem: Jake wants to get my boyfriend on a dating website to find another girl. My boyfriend already told him he wants to work things out with me, but Jake doesn't want him to. Jake even went as far as calling his ex girlfriend to my boyfriend's house in an attempt to get my boyfriend to date her instead of working things out. He even threatened to end my boyfriend's friendship with him if my boyfriend stayed with me. My boyfriend and Jake have been friends since they were in middle school, so the friendship means a lot to my boyfriend. (I am 21, boyfriend is 28 btw). I want to stand up to Jake and tell him to leave my boyfriend alone and stop trying to force dating sites on him. But at the same time, I don't want to ruin my boyfriend's friendship with Jake because it would make me feel bad. My boyfriend has already stated to me he wants to work things out but with Jake constantly getting on him about going on dating sites looking for girls instead of working things out with me is just highly unsettling. And my boyfriend has gotten to the point where he is constantly stressed by Jake over the whole thing. I love my boyfriend. But at the same time, I don't really want to sit back and let Jake keep pressuring my boyfriend because when Jake doesn't like something, he will pull nasty tricks just to get what he wants. So what should I do? Should I stand back and see how things go? Or should I stand up to Jake and how? Jake has friends and people that listen to everything he says. The best i could do is get my boyfriend on tape saying how he wants to work things out but Jake is pressuring him, and then play that tape for my boyfriend's family and friends.

Hi,there! It seems to me that the problem in your relationship is not Jake. The problem is your boyfriend. Obviously he has highly dominant and way too much attached and controlling "friend". Considering he's 28, by now he should have established healthy boundaries with his friends and their interfering with his private life should not be an issue. You should not confront Jake. If you want confront your boyfriend. You don't have to make him choose btw two of you. But ask him how is that he can't stand up for HIMSELF and his private life, emotional life, his life choices and one of them is to be with you. If he's too weak to stop Jake doing what he's doing, than I'm affraid you will always have this kind of problems and different Jakes in your boyfriend's life. As for Jake, yes, he's possessive, controlling, toxic, maybe even narcissistic. But it is your boyfriend who should solve problems with him, in regard to your relationship. If he really cares about you and finally loves you. Sorry about my English, not my first language, but I hope I helped a little.

If you need a second opinion, Kassandra: I agree with Zara. Jake has to learn. WITH YOUR BACKROOM SUPPORT is fine, but he's got to be the front man. What if you were a wallflower? He'd be ucked, wouldn't he. And losing you. Nope - his friend, his duty, his lesson. (Unless the boy's a Narc, THEN it takes two. But still be his secret weapon and adviser.) (Cheers, Zara! :) Hope you can stay and post a while?)

Cheers to you Soulmate! Yes, why not :)!? Thank you!

No, I was just agreeing with Zara so that you had two opinions in agreement - she deserves the thanks!

Oh - HAHAHA! Sorry, Zara - was just doing a patrol around the grounds and only just realised it was YOU who posted that thanks! I thought it was the Original Poster! HAHAHAH...But seriously, that's why being so constantly busy over here in (S)Pain gets on my beeps. I need to slow down in case I miss things.

UPDATE TO THIS POST: I have talked to my boyfriend and we have both kind of come to an agreement that Jake does seem to have a lot of power as far as everything goes, therefore my boyfriend has talked to him and Jake has agreed to back off some. It took a little while to get my boyfriend to talk to me about it, but after a day or so we started talking about what was going on. My boyfriend acknowledged that while Jake has opinions as far as my boyfriend's relationship with me, he shouldn't solely base our whole relationship around if Jake is OK with it or not. My boyfriend did not stop being friends with Jake, as I don't want to be the reason why their friendship ends and I don't want Jake's friends or someone he knows to come after me because my boyfriend ended the friendship. That and I don't want my boyfriend to end a friendship just for me. We are doing good now. I don't have anything to do with Jake, not even be a friend, and my boyfriend has fully accepted my decision as far as that goes. We are looking towards the future now. Thank you to everyone who commented under my post. It means the world to me.

"It means the world to me." Ahhhhh.... :) Well, look - now that I have 5 mins: here's the underlying reason: "Lately, my boyfriend's friend (we will call him Jake) does not like the idea of me and my boyfriend working things out. the day me and my boyfriend stopped talking, Jake used my boyfriend's phone to send a really nasty text message to me. I didn't really let that bother me much and I only found out he did that through my boyfriend telling me about it. Now here is the problem: Jake wants to get my boyfriend on a dating website to find another girl. My boyfriend already told him he wants to work things out with me, but Jake doesn't want him to. Jake even went as far as calling his ex girlfriend to my boyfriend's house in an attempt to get my boyfriend to date her instead of working things out. He even threatened to end my boyfriend's friendship with him if my boyfriend stayed with me. My boyfriend and Jake have been friends since they were in middle school, so the friendship means a lot to my boyfriend. (I am 21, boyfriend is 28 btw)." (Your boyfriend can't see the woods for the trees.) It's this: "It's her or me!' Jake's seriously worried (because you two are so incredibly into each other, added to the fact you have influence over BF (who waxes lyrical about you 'all' the time - as they do), that he stands to suddenly or steadily lose his lifelong friend. Well, he will if he carries on like that. BF will have to ensure to see him regularly, see if he calms down once he sees not MUCH has changed, just shifted a bit. I mean - with their tenure, they must feel like brothers, surely. Alternatively, you can both have him to supper once per fortnight as a regular "thing" (he brings the wine, you two cook). That way, he still has contact with his friend but - even if you were to go upstairs/into the kitchen to give them time alone for ages, Jake still couldn't possibly sh*t-stir because (1) it wouldn't be safe - you could at any moment overhear or walk in on it, or hear BF rearing-up and defending you; and (2) subconsciously, BF will be showing Jake that he is now attached to you FIRST, but *not* to Jake's exclusion. Maybe once he feels safe/still fairly indispensible, he'll warm to you and you'll become a close trio of friends? IOW, you're his Romantic Relationship, meaning, Jake is STILL BF's best friend, but BF's life is just fuller/busier now. If that (controlled) reassurance DIDN'T do the trick, then, that'd throw a different light on it and quite possibly mean Jake's narcissistic (which wouldn't really have shown when he was younger), thus thinks BF's his exclusive property and puppet, and that you - being the obvious Sweetie you are - show him RRRRIGHT up! Just by naturally being You. (Hhhow verray dhare hyou, air!). Jake will have to 'adapt or perish'. Even friendships evolve. Here's another idea: the pair of you fix him up with someone! And then 'ditto' the new light if they clicked heavily and the little ugger turned around and hypocricised himself by not being seen for dust for 6 mths to a year! Either way you'd 'have' him. Win/Win - or your own suggestion (whereby you do nothing wrong and just keep on naturally shining brighter) - Win. Keep this thread going if you like, with any updates? It helps to have an extra two pairs of eyes in this sort of 'bumpy start' situation. As long as you post within 90 days, it'll stay your thread.

I agree with ZARA here, your boyfriend has to put his foot down to his friend and tell him that he wants to be with you and not go on these dating apps. You can't let your friends control who you are dating people because they don't like them. You having to stand up for yourself to "jake" seems a little ridiculous because if your boyfriend was really committed to you, he would do that for you.

Yeah, you're right - and he did put his foot down. She wrote an update - two posts up, look. So it's all good in the hood, and you were spot-on with the intelligence, sensible, healthy, survivalist advice. :)

Take on more threads if you like, USF? :)

Well, first you need to communicate with your boyfriend about his friends behavior and see if he handles the situation appropriately. Next, I don't see a reason to confront Jake because this is something your boyfriend should have already done. And lastly if your boyfriend can't put his friend his place , you may want to consider moving on. It's not your place to stand up to his friend. It's his job. And if he cares enough about the relationship then he will. This should let you know if this guy really thinks that you're important enough to confront his friend and put him in his place. If he can't do that, don't even waste no more of your time. Because men fight for the people and the things that they want to have in their life. And if he's not fighting for you and making things clear to the people around him about you and your relationship, you may want to consider finding another to be in.

NEW UPDATE: Things are going better as far as my boyfriend and I. We now live together, yay. Today, I asked my boyfriend if Jake was still causing trouble for him. Boyfriend said no and I asked him to explain. He said Jake messaged him and told him that he doesnt want to be friends or stuff like that anymore if Boyfriend doesnt end things with me. Boyfriend messaged him back and told him if he wants to be that way, thats fine by him. If Jake wants to be a jerk and make Boyfriend choose me or him, its me. Boyfriend also told me that he got on Jake hard about making me sad and upset, as well as all the tricks he pulled to try to ruin the relationship. Boyfriend informed me that because of the stress and stuff Jake put me through, he is not welcome at the house. Boyfriend also went no contact with Jake too. Just a little mini update for you guys.

WWWWWOAH! So Bf was just a slow-starter, then. Well done him! And well done you! And "oop - look - you made yerself yer own worst enemy!" to Jake-the-Jerk. Good that falling-in-love provided the catalyst for smoking Jake out, eh! If he were malignant and subtle, he might have succeeded. Well, even then probably not because - you and your "I ain't 'avin' it!" attitude (Gold Star!) You two sure Jake's straight, btw? Or, is JAKE sure he's straight? I mean, it's hardly front page news when your male bestie grows-up and eventually goes and falls in-love and moves in with a woman, is it. It was inevitable and inexorable! ...or did Jake think/hope it wasn't? (Things that make yer go, "Hmmm"...). Good stuff, and keep the thread open in-case the guy is a Narc, rather than just immature/stunted/resentful, and, like the bad penny they are, finds excuses to break No Contact and/or starts up a slander campaign behind your backs (don't worry - you'll only lose the idiots and secretly nasties). Do you guys and Jake (Jerk) share a social group? But ultimately - nah. He's behaved too much like a pathologically-jealous Narc for me. At the time, he probably gave Bf your number under the assumption that Bf was still just in 'practising' mode (dating around, mainly for the sexual experience), meaning, it wouldn't last. That or Bf had him cornered regarding an owed return-favour, and he had no choice. Probably, Jerk's worried that, with you treating him consistently nicer, Bf will start to wake up - OH, LOOK, HE JUST HAS!... But EVEN more fully, as more time without contact passes, I mean including remembering all the details.... It's not until you get real distance AND feel a contrast from a genuinely caring friend/gf that your mind is freed-up enough to realise - putting all the jigsaw pieces together, finally - the so-called friend never actually was... And that's when Bf will start to turn to you and go - "And I've just remembered something ELSE he said/did as well!...." (jigsaw pieces). And then there'll come the point when Bf will know what he is, and (Narc's projection) warn everybody else in the village, meaning, bang goes Jake's fake Nice Guy/Best Friend Material mask. I mean - look at this!... "Jake used my boyfriend's phone to send a really nasty text message to me." That is going so Too Far - REALLY extreme - that it counts as Not Normal plus Anti-Social (uck the social rules and No-Nos). That's the sort of underhanded interference that can ruin one's life! I mean - WHOM SANE AND HEALTHY DOES THAT? Could YOU? I doubt it! And I know I couldn't?..... Look at how BLIND to the not just likely but INEVITABLE outcome and consequence Jerk was! (TICK - Narc Sociopath - no regard for consequences, impulsive, power-crazed, etc.). ...And too many other 'things 'n stuff'. PS: 'We now live together, yay'. HAHA, you're well cute, you are. PPS: Do you think, now you've seen the so-called older-than-you adult pull a Toddler tantrum replete with 8-yr-old's threat, that the supposed teething problems you and Bf had as caused the week's break in the run-up to your coming here were also down to Jerk? Yeah...keep this thread going - I would. Tell us about your new nest, then? ("yay", hahaha). Really well done, though, you two. :)