What to do about freeloading boyfriend?

FEATHERDUSTER - Feb 4 2025 at 08:18
I am a divorced 44F and my partner is 51M. I also have a daughter aged 7. We have been together for 6 years. He is a freelance designer. I am also self employed and an undergrad student as well. I work very hard to maintain a reasonable lifestyle for me and my child.
He has always been "tight on cash". But he doesn't always actively seek out work as he says he values a "peaceful existence" more than money. He has even frequently criticised me indirectly by saying "some people just have their priorities wrong and chase money"(I'm not a materialistic person at all, but I do work hard to have financial security as much as possible)
When we first met, he was living with his elderly father (for free) saying he was doing it to be close-by in case of emergency. After 2 years we decided to get a place together as he had frustrastions with his living situation and I was keen to see the relationship progress as well as share living costs. After a year he couldn't afford his 50% anymore and I had to pay the entire rent out of my pocket for 3 months. He promised to pay me back (he only paid back about 50% after some time). I told him that I couldn't support him and that we would need to move to our own places again. He was livid and said I was a "selfish and unsupportive" partner. But I was not okay with being expected to support a grown man. I also have my child to think of.
So from there he had no choice but to go live with his aunt who lived hours away but was willing to take him in for free. I got myself and my daughter a new rental home.
We didn't end the relationship though.
So whenever he had to come into town for work he would stay with me. At one point he was in my house for 3 weeks and I started to feel taken advantage of. When I brought it up he said he was doing it out of love and to be close to me, but that apparently I didn't value him the same. But he contributed nothing during those 3 weeks except maybe a few groceries.
Fast forward to a couple of years later and I broke it off with him for other reasons. But after 6 months he reached out and due to missing each other we rekindled the relationship. It went extremely well for 8 months and he had found a decent job on top of his freelance work. He seemed to be getting his life in order.
He was living in a cheap rental and was looking for something better. I felt that it was a good idea to reconsider getting a bigger place together again. In the meantime his lease expired and the owner wanted him out.
He also quit his job as he didn't get along with his boss.
He had nowhere to go, but was actively searching for small rentals (for himself). But time ran out and he had to move out, and while I was away with family, he asked to just "park over at mine for a night or two until he could arrange something or stay with friends"
He had a car full of belongings and nowhere to go those two nights. I felt uneasy with it, but permitted it as I knew he had been searching with no luck. Fast forward, it is now 2 months later and he has pretty much fully moved into my house. He has taken over my work room which I now no longer have access to. His stuff is everywhere because my place is small. He did pay a very small amount "towards rent" but in hindsight I think this just made him feel he now has full rights to my work room. He is fully settled in there and he no longer seems to be looking for a place. He often eats with us (for free) and obviously has access to all my appliances and electricity. To top it off he is often in a foul mood and seems annoyed that we are present in "his" space. In fact, he sometimes audibly sighs when he enters a room and I'm there when he thought I wasn't.
Thing is, I feel it was a sneaky move. We did not plan this. I only actually said 'yes' to a night or two. Also, he has pulled this stunt before. And I feel resentment building up and I have been cold with him because I simply do not feel affectionate right now as I feel I'm being used. As a result he has been cold to me too. I have been friendly but short with him. I just want him out. I love him, but I am not into being a sugar mommy and resentment is building. Am I being unreasonable? Also - how do I get him out? He has no where to go and I don't want to be a witch either - not my style. I need him to leave but I want to do it in a loving way.
Hi FeatherDuster (:D),
I and any others will be with you shortly, but in the meantime:
"Am I being unreasonable?".
Hahahahahaha - DO not make me laugh. He's a social predator-parasite, namely, a Narcissistic Sociopath (man-made, low-functioning psychopath, as opposed to natural-born), sure as eggs is eggs. He's ticked every single box and has been replicating the entire, typical Spath playbook, step-by-rotten, leeching, drip-drip dominating, using, ahole. They're big on Love- (or just nice/refreshingly different-) Bombing AND, what makes seeing through them before you've become hooked difficult - don't just spout hot-air, actually pretty consistently do the congruent actions (or seem to) because they're long-con merchants and would stay put forever if the victim didn't eventually cotton-on and have the bravery to ignore the fear and pain of losing (acted) The Nice Guy 'that SURELY must re-emerge at some point.
Look at how he convinced you (google "Martha Stout - The Pity Play/Ploy") to make 'your mistake' a second time....and now he's worse than ever!
Typical predator script, typical prey script, like watching Thomas the bloody Tank Engine over and over and over ("Narcissist - Groundhog Day") with these bullying parasites.
If you dare spit them out again yet they manage to "Hoover" you back in, they're now intent on using you even more and leaving you not just bereft and post-traumatic like a regular Narcissist, but actually destroyed on all levels.
What a jumped-up, over-entitled, Antisocial GIT of the highest order, eh?
It's literally nothing you did so, please do NOT waste your time wondering what you did to deserve this (you SHONE, that's all). You werent to know what he was and that your reactions and responses were meant for a NORMAL, SANE bloke and wouldn't work on him. (NOTHING works on them!....except spitting them out and steering clear-Amen).
Have a surf of this before anyone has a chance to respond (in fact, EVERYONE have a surf!). And then from here, 'What Is a Sociopath' under 'Narcissistic Abuse' (top banner), and then 'What's a Love Scam', then 'The Break Up' and so forth.
It's not hard dumping them, it's hard to keep them dumped. As you now know. However, you're a far harder nut for him to crack than the average, that's for sure, and, once you read about what's under the Mask, you'll find it suddenly very do-able and keep-up-able (bad Engrish but it'll do for now). :)
good morning.
i'm so sorry for the useless thing for a bf.
He has always been "tight on cash". But he doesn't always actively seek out work as he says he values a "peaceful existence" more than money. He has even frequently criticised me indirectly
this told me immediately what's going on. he minimizes his obligations in the same breathe also minimizing your contributions. he's gaslighting you. problem with delusional people he could actually believce he's the good guy
as he had frustrastions with his living situation ... yes, he's ticking the mental health indicators boxes. i'm sure his explanation for that living situation would fall to information and scrutiny.
I told him that I couldn't support him. ...you attempted healthy coping such as setting expections and speaking needs
But I was not okay with ... (thinking to myself how glad i am you've come here today) yes ma'am, i'm beginning to understand that you're preparing yourself to be rid of him. good, no doormat syndrome in this forum haha.
(he) said I was a "selfish and unsupportive" partner. yeah, this is gaslighting. it's when someone tells you something you feel is off but by their insistence and conviction you then believe, thus learning to question yourself. this has a cumulative effect with the 'cycle' to destroy you. (broken is compliant and unquestioning)'
he said he was doing it out of love ... if he's really delusional be concerned and make plans for a potential 'complicated' breakup. engage your support system and bring sunlight to the problem so you're not alone. i doubt it's delusion but infatuation being as it is, this side of abnormal psych does present sometimes
we rekindled the relationship. ...my grandmother called this getting twidderpated, which is an old word meaning 'when birds mate' and defined as how they flap their wings together to make 'the noise' (thought ya'll would enjoy that)
i feel so strongly for you feather. i can correctly identify him as a narcissist and give you the direct advice to make a plan and get out, and never go back. you've been locked into a cycle of abuse and he's luring you in with 'wiles' so you're compelled to return.
It went extremely well for 8 months ... routinely those running in a 'cycle' of abuse follow it pretty well, meaning history repeats. should you be dating and preparing an exit believe you only have (do math) so much time. and keep your plan and exit to yourself. only one valve must be loose for the escapting gas to cause an explosion.
each time he steamrolls over your feelings the hurt goes that much deeper, and the kiddo is being modeled bad behavior. i didn't forget and my heart is breaking for her, you.
get out, go. never look back. you're not crazy and you're not wrong. you're a rockstar. if you need permission you have it. give him nothing else ever again he didn't earn.
He seemed to be getting his life in order. ...manipulation, him being an abuser knows exactly what you needed to see and what you've always asked for, and he 'modeled' good behavior.
I felt that it was a good idea to reconsider ...gaslighting works
his lease expired and the owner wanted him out.
as he didn't get along with his boss.
...another checkbox ticked for this one. _all his relationships fail, even professional. my gawd i feel your frustration reading this all.
I feel it was a sneaky move. ... it was, which nullifies any implied social contract for:
1: a lack of meeting of the minds, and
2: for negotiating in bad faith.
(understanding contract law helped me bolster 'setting boundaries' as coping skills)
in any case i'm anxious to see your other reply and forums don't need repetition, the reader has it right ...there. i've said it all, i think. (i'm still here reading to further contribute, no neglect or abandonment here) ...gaslighting works.
you've done great keeping your head on straight. from here i see you wanting out and questioning everything. let me validate you. you're beautifully kind, and thoughtful, and love your daughter dearly. what you've imagined to be true behind his falsities is in fact the truth. you're right, always have been. in fact every fight you've ever had, now they're his fault. you've done great, now clock out and go.
loop in your apartnemtn complex management that he's unwanted. if he's not on the lease ghosting is best and adjusted for your situation that means having the office boot him. take your daughter from the apartment to play or something, ya know?
forcing him to leave results in him returning when the coast is clear, and an excalated response as punishment.
i need to submit this and see what soulmate's got going on. my mind is jumbling too much together so replying to posts independently to reduce strain.
Hahahahahaha - DO not make me laugh. He's a social predator-parasite, namely, a Narcissistic Sociopath
soul, i dance around the topic for an hour writing mine and you give the punchline in the first act. (makes evil glances over) haha, good man. i don't know terminology i learned by 'touch' if that makes sense
Spath playbook. googled. does this text indicate it covers my missing education? Introduction to Healthcare Quality Management, Third Edition. (my eyepatch might come out.)
congruency. ha one of them smart person words i know. alright, i'm not totally lost in lingo. :-)
martha stout
https://www.stevensurman.com/narcissists-sociopaths-and-the-pity-play-dr-martha-stout-explains/
i'll give a listen soon.
Antisocial git. ha, i forgot one. yeah he is and it's 'normalcy bias' unconfortable to know i've felt those tendencies too.
(NOTHING works on them!....except spitting them out and steering clear-Amen). you rock and this advice was spot on and straight to the heart of it.
let me clarify because this is important.
when i said 'forcing him to leave results in him returning when the coast is clear, and an excalated response as punishment.' i don;t mean violence per se but to be firm and should he be allowed he'll (continue) destroy you. you're punished enough,
"you're beautifully kind, and thoughtful, and love your daughter dearly. what you've imagined to be true behind his falsities is in fact the truth. you're right, always have been. in fact every fight you've ever had, now they're his fault. you've done great, now clock out and go"
Absobloodylutely. And (, Feather,) I will add - gobsmackingly hard-working! Super-functional. AND you came out of your divorce smelling of roses ("how verray dare hyou, you effing stupid Feminist, know your place, woman!"), AND THOSE ARE A BIG PART OF WHY HE HATES YA AND WANTS TO TAKE YOU DOWN as he slow-mugs you, "you smug b*tch".
You're not smug - you earned everything.
PS Ricky: Fab post, but, Sociopathy (Anti-Social Personality Disorder), comorbid with Narcissistic PD, comorbid with Paranoid PD. Coming from a different place than a straight Narc. Important to stay focused on the difference because then one can formulate the appropriate, safest exit plan. Jennifer Smith provides an Exit Safety Plan on her site (or did last time I looked, but you can google that "How to leave a narcissistic sociopath safely").
Good work, you two. (thumbs-up) Really pleased you're here.
Ricky, I'll reply to you shortly too (let's give Feather a chance to read-up on it all - and from someone else who suitably detests them...good ol Jennifer, she's a woman after my own heart), but, just for now:
"Antisocial git. ha, i forgot one. yeah he is and it's 'normalcy bias' unconfortable to know i've felt those tendencies too."
Google "The Narcissistic Sociopathic/Psychopathic Hypnotic Effect". It's a proven fact now (finabeepingly) (- interweb is still behind). This is why they're called Emotionally Dangerous (pff, and the rest). Because anyone and everyone (nice) is susceptible (by varying degrees of empathy, etc., levels) and vulnerable, and pretty much helpless. YOU'RE DRUGGED...to the eyeballs...from which and how they press your buttons...on what I call Honeymoon Heroin...but unawares, so, for a while (usually TOO long - again, varies) actually helpless and need to borrow another brain (in-the-know) to unplug you from their Matrix.
It's even crazier for the fact it's REAL. There really are monsters out there.
PS: Just a quick heads-up: I'm genderless on here. No-one knows, plus it's not applicable: NPD etc. (Cluster B mental illnesses) is an Equal Opportunities employer....
Happy (sane, healthy) People are Nice People / Nice People are Happy People
Miserable (insane, malignant) People are Nasty People / Nasty People are Miserable People.
One can be temporarily nasty due to very stressy times (although Cat-Kicking still denotes a degree of over-narcissism), but this is about a Pervasive Pattern (that drip-drip emerges).
Bit Laters, Narc-savvy gaters!
"my mind is jumbling too much together so replying to posts independently to reduce strain."
I know you're desperate to know all of it, now-now-now, but (both of you), slow and steady wins this race. You want all info to have a chance to sink DEEP down, all the way to your inner animal and kiddie, so chew slowly - and until it's puree, leave generous gaps in between reading anything new/extra, then do a poo before taking another chomp (of data).
Extra sleeping (which is when your mind does it's filing and re-filing of all those emotional data sheets (with whittly you out of the way haha), speeds you up, stop your mental in-tray from collapsing under the weight.
Be KIND to your poor bonce. It's had a hell of a beating.
important to stay focused on the difference because then one can formulate the appropriate, safest exit plan.
i hear this. i can quit using dsm references because my last edition was 4th (gave me the overview which is what i needed).
i know from pride and experience that should i read concerns from a poster i'd infer and the variables would spit out from my brain ...good ideas. creative thinking, under rated coping skill.
i feel insecure hearing this because my brain is running overtime and i doubt new information will stick unless repeated, which isn't fair (you) and unrealistic for me (my plate, full. )
does your feedback mean the boyfriend here is both socio and narc? and paranoia, isn't that a checkbox for schitzoid?
sould my post can sit for a week if that's the time it takes for contributors to process and formulate. it benefits me to be patient. take_your_time
.. to unplug you from their Matrix.
and with that i just realized i've saved sooo many lives doing just what i've done here. i'm crying in revelation.
thank you. afk
(Ricky, I'll transfer your further questions directed at me (must have missed my 'let's give Feather a chance to read-up' request) over to your own thread as you're in danger of unwittingly overshadowing poor Feather, otherwise. Likewise, any postings where you're referring to you and your situation but at me rather than the poster, are best posted and answered there.)
Over to you again, Feather :)....
Any thoughts/questions?
Hey everyone! Thank you so much for all the responses - I very much appreciate the time you took to formulate and write them - I see a lot of wisdom and good advice.
Before I reply, I would like to read through everyone's input a few more times and then respond when the person in question isn't around so I can do so without peeking over my shoulder.
I must just add and clarify, that my ex-husband was a raging overt narc, who was abusive on every level - emotionally, mentally, sexually and financially - except for actually hitting me. So I am familiar with this extreme form of narcissism.
The person I am with is nothing like that and is a gentle person overall who is willing to apologise when he has been wrong. Coming from a marriage where love did not exist, I got to experience it for the first time with current partner. However, her has shown over and over that he is a taker (not in terms of affection or love, but in terms of money). In fact a a person linked through social circles to his ex-GF, mentioned to my friend that he was a "freeloader" back then. So it is a pattern - obviously. He does check boxes for "covert narcissism" or there are other issues perhaps, I'm not sure. We both have pretty alternative ways of viewing the world and share some unique interests which brought us together. He also has a light and fun side to him and is good with my daughter. I mention this as I don't want to give the impression that this person is a bad person in general - but he is a chancer and dare I say 'parasite' who will turn it around and make you look like the materialistic and selfish person when you don't 'help him out'. So lots of guilt-tripping.
Again - thank you all so-so much and I'll respond more in length soon as I can!