What to do about freeloading boyfriend?

I am a divorced 44F and my partner is 51M. I also have a daughter aged 7. We have been together for 6 years. He is a freelance designer. I am also self employed and an undergrad student as well. I work very hard to maintain a reasonable lifestyle for me and my child. He has always been "tight on cash". But he doesn't always actively seek out work as he says he values a "peaceful existence" more than money. He has even frequently criticised me indirectly by saying "some people just have their priorities wrong and chase money"(I'm not a materialistic person at all, but I do work hard to have financial security as much as possible) When we first met, he was living with his elderly father (for free) saying he was doing it to be close-by in case of emergency. After 2 years we decided to get a place together as he had frustrastions with his living situation and I was keen to see the relationship progress as well as share living costs. After a year he couldn't afford his 50% anymore and I had to pay the entire rent out of my pocket for 3 months. He promised to pay me back (he only paid back about 50% after some time). I told him that I couldn't support him and that we would need to move to our own places again. He was livid and said I was a "selfish and unsupportive" partner. But I was not okay with being expected to support a grown man. I also have my child to think of. So from there he had no choice but to go live with his aunt who lived hours away but was willing to take him in for free. I got myself and my daughter a new rental home. We didn't end the relationship though. So whenever he had to come into town for work he would stay with me. At one point he was in my house for 3 weeks and I started to feel taken advantage of. When I brought it up he said he was doing it out of love and to be close to me, but that apparently I didn't value him the same. But he contributed nothing during those 3 weeks except maybe a few groceries. Fast forward to a couple of years later and I broke it off with him for other reasons. But after 6 months he reached out and due to missing each other we rekindled the relationship. It went extremely well for 8 months and he had found a decent job on top of his freelance work. He seemed to be getting his life in order. He was living in a cheap rental and was looking for something better. I felt that it was a good idea to reconsider getting a bigger place together again. In the meantime his lease expired and the owner wanted him out. He also quit his job as he didn't get along with his boss. He had nowhere to go, but was actively searching for small rentals (for himself). But time ran out and he had to move out, and while I was away with family, he asked to just "park over at mine for a night or two until he could arrange something or stay with friends" He had a car full of belongings and nowhere to go those two nights. I felt uneasy with it, but permitted it as I knew he had been searching with no luck. Fast forward, it is now 2 months later and he has pretty much fully moved into my house. He has taken over my work room which I now no longer have access to. His stuff is everywhere because my place is small. He did pay a very small amount "towards rent" but in hindsight I think this just made him feel he now has full rights to my work room. He is fully settled in there and he no longer seems to be looking for a place. He often eats with us (for free) and obviously has access to all my appliances and electricity. To top it off he is often in a foul mood and seems annoyed that we are present in "his" space. In fact, he sometimes audibly sighs when he enters a room and I'm there when he thought I wasn't. Thing is, I feel it was a sneaky move. We did not plan this. I only actually said 'yes' to a night or two. Also, he has pulled this stunt before. And I feel resentment building up and I have been cold with him because I simply do not feel affectionate right now as I feel I'm being used. As a result he has been cold to me too. I have been friendly but short with him. I just want him out. I love him, but I am not into being a sugar mommy and resentment is building. Am I being unreasonable? Also - how do I get him out? He has no where to go and I don't want to be a witch either - not my style. I need him to leave but I want to do it in a loving way.

Hi FeatherDuster (:D), I and any others will be with you shortly, but in the meantime: "Am I being unreasonable?". Hahahahahaha - DO not make me laugh. He's a social predator-parasite, namely, a Narcissistic Sociopath (man-made, low-functioning psychopath, as opposed to natural-born), sure as eggs is eggs. He's ticked every single box and has been replicating the entire, typical Spath playbook, step-by-rotten, leeching, drip-drip dominating, using, ahole. They're big on Love- (or just nice/refreshingly different-) Bombing AND, what makes seeing through them before you've become hooked difficult - don't just spout hot-air, actually pretty consistently do the congruent actions (or seem to) because they're long-con merchants and would stay put forever if the victim didn't eventually cotton-on and have the bravery to ignore the fear and pain of losing (acted) The Nice Guy 'that SURELY must re-emerge at some point. Look at how he convinced you (google "Martha Stout - The Pity Play/Ploy") to make 'your mistake' a second time....and now he's worse than ever! Typical predator script, typical prey script, like watching Thomas the bloody Tank Engine over and over and over ("Narcissist - Groundhog Day") with these bullying parasites. If you dare spit them out again yet they manage to "Hoover" you back in, they're now intent on using you even more and leaving you not just bereft and post-traumatic like a regular Narcissist, but actually destroyed on all levels. What a jumped-up, over-entitled, Antisocial GIT of the highest order, eh? It's literally nothing you did so, please do NOT waste your time wondering what you did to deserve this (you SHONE, that's all). You werent to know what he was and that your reactions and responses were meant for a NORMAL, SANE bloke and wouldn't work on him. (NOTHING works on them!....except spitting them out and steering clear-Amen). Have a surf of this before anyone has a chance to respond (in fact, EVERYONE have a surf!). And then from here, 'What Is a Sociopath' under 'Narcissistic Abuse' (top banner), and then 'What's a Love Scam', then 'The Break Up' and so forth. It's not hard dumping them, it's hard to keep them dumped. As you now know. However, you're a far harder nut for him to crack than the average, that's for sure, and, once you read about what's under the Mask, you'll find it suddenly very do-able and keep-up-able (bad Engrish but it'll do for now). :)

Tsk - forgot the link, sorry! https://www.truelovescam.com/about/

good morning. i'm so sorry for the useless thing for a bf. He has always been "tight on cash". But he doesn't always actively seek out work as he says he values a "peaceful existence" more than money. He has even frequently criticised me indirectly this told me immediately what's going on. he minimizes his obligations in the same breathe also minimizing your contributions. he's gaslighting you. problem with delusional people he could actually believce he's the good guy as he had frustrastions with his living situation ... yes, he's ticking the mental health indicators boxes. i'm sure his explanation for that living situation would fall to information and scrutiny. I told him that I couldn't support him. ...you attempted healthy coping such as setting expections and speaking needs But I was not okay with ... (thinking to myself how glad i am you've come here today) yes ma'am, i'm beginning to understand that you're preparing yourself to be rid of him. good, no doormat syndrome in this forum haha. (he) said I was a "selfish and unsupportive" partner. yeah, this is gaslighting. it's when someone tells you something you feel is off but by their insistence and conviction you then believe, thus learning to question yourself. this has a cumulative effect with the 'cycle' to destroy you. (broken is compliant and unquestioning)' he said he was doing it out of love ... if he's really delusional be concerned and make plans for a potential 'complicated' breakup. engage your support system and bring sunlight to the problem so you're not alone. i doubt it's delusion but infatuation being as it is, this side of abnormal psych does present sometimes we rekindled the relationship. ...my grandmother called this getting twidderpated, which is an old word meaning 'when birds mate' and defined as how they flap their wings together to make 'the noise' (thought ya'll would enjoy that) i feel so strongly for you feather. i can correctly identify him as a narcissist and give you the direct advice to make a plan and get out, and never go back. you've been locked into a cycle of abuse and he's luring you in with 'wiles' so you're compelled to return. It went extremely well for 8 months ... routinely those running in a 'cycle' of abuse follow it pretty well, meaning history repeats. should you be dating and preparing an exit believe you only have (do math) so much time. and keep your plan and exit to yourself. only one valve must be loose for the escapting gas to cause an explosion. each time he steamrolls over your feelings the hurt goes that much deeper, and the kiddo is being modeled bad behavior. i didn't forget and my heart is breaking for her, you. get out, go. never look back. you're not crazy and you're not wrong. you're a rockstar. if you need permission you have it. give him nothing else ever again he didn't earn. He seemed to be getting his life in order. ...manipulation, him being an abuser knows exactly what you needed to see and what you've always asked for, and he 'modeled' good behavior. I felt that it was a good idea to reconsider ...gaslighting works his lease expired and the owner wanted him out. as he didn't get along with his boss. ...another checkbox ticked for this one. _all his relationships fail, even professional. my gawd i feel your frustration reading this all. I feel it was a sneaky move. ... it was, which nullifies any implied social contract for: 1: a lack of meeting of the minds, and 2: for negotiating in bad faith. (understanding contract law helped me bolster 'setting boundaries' as coping skills) in any case i'm anxious to see your other reply and forums don't need repetition, the reader has it right ...there. i've said it all, i think. (i'm still here reading to further contribute, no neglect or abandonment here) ...gaslighting works. you've done great keeping your head on straight. from here i see you wanting out and questioning everything. let me validate you. you're beautifully kind, and thoughtful, and love your daughter dearly. what you've imagined to be true behind his falsities is in fact the truth. you're right, always have been. in fact every fight you've ever had, now they're his fault. you've done great, now clock out and go. loop in your apartnemtn complex management that he's unwanted. if he's not on the lease ghosting is best and adjusted for your situation that means having the office boot him. take your daughter from the apartment to play or something, ya know? forcing him to leave results in him returning when the coast is clear, and an excalated response as punishment. i need to submit this and see what soulmate's got going on. my mind is jumbling too much together so replying to posts independently to reduce strain.

Hahahahahaha - DO not make me laugh. He's a social predator-parasite, namely, a Narcissistic Sociopath soul, i dance around the topic for an hour writing mine and you give the punchline in the first act. (makes evil glances over) haha, good man. i don't know terminology i learned by 'touch' if that makes sense Spath playbook. googled. does this text indicate it covers my missing education? Introduction to Healthcare Quality Management, Third Edition. (my eyepatch might come out.) congruency. ha one of them smart person words i know. alright, i'm not totally lost in lingo. :-) martha stout https://www.stevensurman.com/narcissists-sociopaths-and-the-pity-play-dr-martha-stout-explains/ i'll give a listen soon. Antisocial git. ha, i forgot one. yeah he is and it's 'normalcy bias' unconfortable to know i've felt those tendencies too. (NOTHING works on them!....except spitting them out and steering clear-Amen). you rock and this advice was spot on and straight to the heart of it.

let me clarify because this is important. when i said 'forcing him to leave results in him returning when the coast is clear, and an excalated response as punishment.' i don;t mean violence per se but to be firm and should he be allowed he'll (continue) destroy you. you're punished enough,

"you're beautifully kind, and thoughtful, and love your daughter dearly. what you've imagined to be true behind his falsities is in fact the truth. you're right, always have been. in fact every fight you've ever had, now they're his fault. you've done great, now clock out and go" Absobloodylutely. And (, Feather,) I will add - gobsmackingly hard-working! Super-functional. AND you came out of your divorce smelling of roses ("how verray dare hyou, you effing stupid Feminist, know your place, woman!"), AND THOSE ARE A BIG PART OF WHY HE HATES YA AND WANTS TO TAKE YOU DOWN as he slow-mugs you, "you smug b*tch". You're not smug - you earned everything. PS Ricky: Fab post, but, Sociopathy (Anti-Social Personality Disorder), comorbid with Narcissistic PD, comorbid with Paranoid PD. Coming from a different place than a straight Narc. Important to stay focused on the difference because then one can formulate the appropriate, safest exit plan. Jennifer Smith provides an Exit Safety Plan on her site (or did last time I looked, but you can google that "How to leave a narcissistic sociopath safely"). Good work, you two. (thumbs-up) Really pleased you're here.

Ricky, I'll reply to you shortly too (let's give Feather a chance to read-up on it all - and from someone else who suitably detests them...good ol Jennifer, she's a woman after my own heart), but, just for now: "Antisocial git. ha, i forgot one. yeah he is and it's 'normalcy bias' unconfortable to know i've felt those tendencies too." Google "The Narcissistic Sociopathic/Psychopathic Hypnotic Effect". It's a proven fact now (finabeepingly) (- interweb is still behind). This is why they're called Emotionally Dangerous (pff, and the rest). Because anyone and everyone (nice) is susceptible (by varying degrees of empathy, etc., levels) and vulnerable, and pretty much helpless. YOU'RE DRUGGED...to the eyeballs...from which and how they press your buttons...on what I call Honeymoon Heroin...but unawares, so, for a while (usually TOO long - again, varies) actually helpless and need to borrow another brain (in-the-know) to unplug you from their Matrix. It's even crazier for the fact it's REAL. There really are monsters out there. PS: Just a quick heads-up: I'm genderless on here. No-one knows, plus it's not applicable: NPD etc. (Cluster B mental illnesses) is an Equal Opportunities employer.... Happy (sane, healthy) People are Nice People / Nice People are Happy People Miserable (insane, malignant) People are Nasty People / Nasty People are Miserable People. One can be temporarily nasty due to very stressy times (although Cat-Kicking still denotes a degree of over-narcissism), but this is about a Pervasive Pattern (that drip-drip emerges). Bit Laters, Narc-savvy gaters!

"my mind is jumbling too much together so replying to posts independently to reduce strain." I know you're desperate to know all of it, now-now-now, but (both of you), slow and steady wins this race. You want all info to have a chance to sink DEEP down, all the way to your inner animal and kiddie, so chew slowly - and until it's puree, leave generous gaps in between reading anything new/extra, then do a poo before taking another chomp (of data). Extra sleeping (which is when your mind does it's filing and re-filing of all those emotional data sheets (with whittly you out of the way haha), speeds you up, stop your mental in-tray from collapsing under the weight. Be KIND to your poor bonce. It's had a hell of a beating.

important to stay focused on the difference because then one can formulate the appropriate, safest exit plan. i hear this. i can quit using dsm references because my last edition was 4th (gave me the overview which is what i needed). i know from pride and experience that should i read concerns from a poster i'd infer and the variables would spit out from my brain ...good ideas. creative thinking, under rated coping skill. i feel insecure hearing this because my brain is running overtime and i doubt new information will stick unless repeated, which isn't fair (you) and unrealistic for me (my plate, full. ) does your feedback mean the boyfriend here is both socio and narc? and paranoia, isn't that a checkbox for schitzoid?

sould my post can sit for a week if that's the time it takes for contributors to process and formulate. it benefits me to be patient. take_your_time .. to unplug you from their Matrix. and with that i just realized i've saved sooo many lives doing just what i've done here. i'm crying in revelation. thank you. afk

(Ricky, I'll transfer your further questions directed at me (must have missed my 'let's give Feather a chance to read-up' request) over to your own thread as you're in danger of unwittingly overshadowing poor Feather, otherwise. Likewise, any postings where you're referring to you and your situation but at me rather than the poster, are best posted and answered there.)

Over to you again, Feather :).... Any thoughts/questions?

Hey everyone! Thank you so much for all the responses - I very much appreciate the time you took to formulate and write them - I see a lot of wisdom and good advice. Before I reply, I would like to read through everyone's input a few more times and then respond when the person in question isn't around so I can do so without peeking over my shoulder. I must just add and clarify, that my ex-husband was a raging overt narc, who was abusive on every level - emotionally, mentally, sexually and financially - except for actually hitting me. So I am familiar with this extreme form of narcissism. The person I am with is nothing like that and is a gentle person overall who is willing to apologise when he has been wrong. Coming from a marriage where love did not exist, I got to experience it for the first time with current partner. However, her has shown over and over that he is a taker (not in terms of affection or love, but in terms of money). In fact a a person linked through social circles to his ex-GF, mentioned to my friend that he was a "freeloader" back then. So it is a pattern - obviously. He does check boxes for "covert narcissism" or there are other issues perhaps, I'm not sure. We both have pretty alternative ways of viewing the world and share some unique interests which brought us together. He also has a light and fun side to him and is good with my daughter. I mention this as I don't want to give the impression that this person is a bad person in general - but he is a chancer and dare I say 'parasite' who will turn it around and make you look like the materialistic and selfish person when you don't 'help him out'. So lots of guilt-tripping. Again - thank you all so-so much and I'll respond more in length soon as I can!

Heya Feather, I'll be back on to read and reply tomorrow! Sorry for the delay.

"Hey everyone! Thank you so much for all the responses - I very much appreciate the time you took to formulate and write them - I see a lot of wisdom and good advice." You're very welcome, missus. :) You deserve it. You sound like a brilliant Mum AND partner (for any normal bloke capable of love and sense of responsibility, anyway). You didn't sign-up to be Foster Mum to an overgrown kid, eh. You just wanted a romantic relationship, including, someone to share the load (whereas, this bozo is himself a whole, separate load, eh). "Before I reply, I would like to read through everyone's input a few more times and then respond when the person in question isn't around so I can do so without peeking over my shoulder." Controller behaviour (Tick!) (albeit we know that already...this is just extra-extra verification and validation, for you). As for you: never doubt your intuition again. Don't even question it and expect it to justify itself to you. You get that feeling again - dump the dud. If the guy's innocent, he can always convince you. And - again - Intuition/Gut Feeling: truth has its own vibration hence when you hear it you can feel yourself instantly fill with joy and relief AND YOU (ref Whitney Houston) *EXHALE*. (If it's a big, chronically-ongoing problem like this, you also relax (flop) so much you need to (finally) sleep.) Misappropriating/Helping Himself/Stealing your workroom. Sheeeeee! (Mine tried that - AND worse). Sighing because you're in "his" space....their cheek is just off-the-charts, isn't it. That's when you start to cotton-on to the fact they can only be INSANE....NOT RIGHT IN THE HEAD. You think - What effing PLANET at you on, fella?! I lost count of the amount of times I'd say (quietly boom), "Fffor Goddd's ssssake, man - wwwwwhat is WRONGGG with you?!?!...which went down well as I'm sure you can imagine (haha...I piss them right off because I refuse to be bullied and, if need be, can bully back better...which in fact sounds like you, too). And it's not just the costs they rack up at your expense (usually just because SOMEONE'S got to pay that fine/bill) - Spath Narcs could be summed up as A Huge Liability on-legs - it's the (at your stage) unwarranted CONTEMPT they start you to treat you with!...despite they're not even REMOTELY worthy of you! ...Or vis-a-vis getting a modicum of cooperation - like trying to nail jelly to the ceiling. Sooo frustrating (until you find-out what's up with them). Oh BTW: mine did the sleeping out in his car on my drive thing, too. I was a BIT softer than you as I (eventually) took him out a pillow and blanket...'There ya go - night!' (insert Mutley wheeze). The problem is the fact they're NOT CONSISTENTLY horrid. And that's usually when they can sense they've pushed you too far (which these Ham-Fisted types always do) and you might actually dump them. So they turn their charming side back on until you relax again. Victims tend to say to themselves a lot - 'Damn, I wish I'd gone ahead and dumped him last month when I was in the zone to!'. Can you relate to that? "I must just add and clarify, that my ex-husband was a raging overt narc, who was abusive on every level - emotionally, mentally, sexually and financially - except for actually hitting me." Edit: except for actually hitting me PHYSICALLY. "So I am familiar with this extreme form of narcissism." Phew! But you weren't with the Covert stuff. Overts, Coverts, Covert-Vulnerables. And then there's Narc Spaths, which I class as Allverts. They light a fire/cause a mess ABOVE table to focus you on that while they're up to far worse UNDER it (a lot of which you usually only find out in the months/years following the dump). This one sounds Lower Functioning, as well. Which doesn't make it any easier than when they're (fairly) intelligent (i.e. stupid and "unnecessary" in a genius way). Evil Clowns, some moniker them. Note from now on, though (which was the root cause in terms of your 'capture-ability' but not something you'd have known): a break-up after a normal (sane) relationship demands 6mths to a year of grieving enough to reach the stage where one is ready to re-enter the dating ground. Not so, exes of Narcissists. Two to 5 years, I'm afraid. This length - which actually isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things PLUS gives you a chance to enhance your relationship with your kid after the (oft imperceptible) damage and distancing the last git would have done - ensures every trace of slime (Priming) has slowly slid off, from inside even the farthest recesses of every mental 'room' and 'cupboard' in your 'house'. Otherwise, other (always lazy) Narcs can smell it still on you and think, 'Whoopee, they're still half-primed, this'll be easy!. Worse - nice, normal, healthy, sane people can 'smell' it too and find it too off-putting to consider you friend material; but this again gives you mum-daughter reparations/enhancement time, so it's a godsend in-disguise. Once you have de-slimed, however, you tend to smell even more attractive as friend or lover material, than ever (every cloud). "The person I am with is nothing like that and is a gentle person overall who is willing to apologise when he has been wrong." Edit (and this was why you got fooled that he couldn't be one too, presented as the very opposite of wasband): The (er) person I am with is - fakely, deliberately - nothing like the ex, as he shows willing to fake apology despite doesn't then DO apology by changing his ways (and instead just does something in the same vein that which SEEMS different to the original transgression). (But you're not 'there' yet. No worries - you will be once more slime slides off...you'll see it.) "Coming from a marriage where love did not exist, I got to experience it for the first time with current partner. However, her has shown over and over that he is a taker (not in terms of affection or love, but in terms of money)." Takers are those that DON'T love...aren't capable, aren't interested. To a Narc Spath - a lover is secretly their CAREER (Siphoning-off), and that's ALL you are to them. Normal-healthy loving men don't treat their Numero Uno like that. (Sorry) "In fact a a person linked through social circles to his ex-GF, mentioned to my friend that he was a "freeloader" back then. So it is a pattern - obviously. He does check boxes for "covert narcissism" or there are other issues perhaps, I'm not sure." No worries - I am sure. I didn't just date them, I studied them like a hawk (the minute I realised they were one - if I couldn't immediately cut them off), and from every possible angle. "We both have pretty alternative ways of viewing the world and share some unique interests which brought us together." Yeah-yeah... Google "Narc - Mirroring & Impressions Management". "He also has a light and fun side to him" Yeah-yeah... Ditto. "and is good with my daughter. Yeah-yeah... (and does that include letting your daughter see her mother taken serious advantage of, which ISN'T just financial because, look - now he's doing the Devalue and having the insane cheek to sigh because you're in your own house and room ffs). See what I mean about how I can see that you're still in two minds ("loves me, loves me not / isn't that bad, is atrocious..."). Google Cognitive Dissonance (or find it in Jennifer's TrueLoveScam site). So please trust me when I say, you just haven't yet (but are about to) given him CAUSE to start to be REALLY abusive. Saying that, being sighed-at just because you're where you should be and because the nutjob IS PROVING he thinks your casa is now HIS casa and for zero work or payment.... that *IS* ABUSIVE...does funny things to your brain, self-confidence, self-worth, everything. It's called, (merely using the psychological version -) stealing and depriving you of your rights. " I mention this as I don't want to give the impression that this person is a bad person in general - but he is a chancer and dare I say 'parasite' who will turn it around and make you look like the materialistic and selfish person when you don't 'help him out'. So lots of guilt-tripping." Similarly - it was all contrived, in his interests, or just because he was happy and in a good mood because he was getting everything his way at that point. You wait until you actually dump him for-good. With un-luck, you'll see the Mask completely removed and the monster underneath. (We're here if/when that happens; it'll shock the bejeezus out of you). "Again - thank you all so-so much and I'll respond more in length soon as I can!" Good stuff and for the sake of your daughter if not for yourself - *please do*. As I've shown, you're palpably still in Cognitive Dissonance, despite ARE slowly starting to come out of it and at this point of writing, out of it amply enough to see everything that's at this point visible/discernible. There's more awakening, seeing/joining dots and realising, to come - trust me on that.

PS: ""Before I reply, I would like to read through everyone's input a few more times and then respond when the person in question isn't around so I can do so without peeking over my shoulder." Controller behaviour (Tick!) (albeit we know that already...this is just extra-extra verification and validation, for you)." Always delete your browser history straight after logging-out. And change your passwords.

"but he is a chancer and dare I say 'parasite' who will turn it around and make you look like the materialistic and selfish person when you don't 'help him out'. So lots of guilt-tripping." Google "Narcissistic Sociopath - D.A.R.V.O. And have you read Martha Stout's 'diagnostic tool' yet - namely about The Pity Play (plus, in your case, the "apologetic, mild-mannered Jesus" act)? PS: if you dug around, you'd probably find he has secret bank accounts you hadn't the faintest about. That's how come (think about this) the so-called poor person seems to completely-illogically want to waste and spend all your money. With a 'straight' Narc, they do that to make you feel too vulnerable and dependent on them to dump them. With a Narc-Spath, they do it to leave you ruined. Straight Narcs want to leave you on the floor. Spath Narcs want you (severe) dead or (mild) as good as dead (burying the evidence of their evil so's not to see their Golden Geese, Petty Scamming Well, poisoned by the truth of what they really are, exposed: the very OPPOSITE of a nice, benign, mild-mannered, earnest, caring, low-maintenance type of guy (or gal)). Anyhoo... no rush, no pressure - when or if you're ready. :)

Here you go ((my comments in double-brackets, and asterisks)): ________________________________________________________________ https://www.stevensurman.com/narcissists-sociopaths-and-the-pity-play-dr-martha-stout-explains/ Narcissists, Sociopaths, And The ‘Pity Play’ | Dr. Martha Stout Explains 0 By Steven Surman on September 22, 2023 Sociopathy ((As you read this, bear in mind what I've described - the variation, which I call the A*rse-Licking Play (soft-soaping) - "Ohhh, I'm sooo sorry, darling, oh-oh-ohhh..." - and then as soon as you've relaxed, does it all over again or a similar but seemingly-different thing. Remember: Sorry Is as Sorry *Does* (it's mouth AND reparation act(s)) - or, better still, *wouldn't DREAM of committing any such act/failure-to-act to begin with*. Also remember that yours is still in Covert Stealth mode - hence so far saying all the apologetic things he knows you need to hear.)) "Despite all of his conniving, manipulative, and controlling behaviors, the Gay Narcissist sure came off as pathetic a lot of the time. How so? Whenever the Gay Narcissist wanted something and I would not give in to his whims immediately, he’d try whatever tactic he could muster up. He’d make demands, toss around accusations, and slyly twist my words and manipulate my perception. These tactics usually worked, but not always. The obnoxious behavior sometimes triggered my own aggression and we’d have heated fights. But you know what was a sure bet? Pity. No matter what, whenever the Gay Narcissist put on his “oh, poor me” (("oh, I'm so sorry)) act, it worked. Always. Every. Single. Time. What’s The ‘Pity Play’ All About? Dr. Martha Stout describes the “pity play” in her book, The Sociopath Next Door. Stout warns throughout her book that sociopaths are deceptive and highly manipulative individuals. It’s often difficult to pick up on his or her true character—a character that will absolutely ruin your life if one passes through your defenses. A sociopath’s true character is the absence of conscience. ((And, therefore, eff-all Shame, despite a warped version of Male Pride (outdated macho crap).)) Martha Stout estimates that four percent of the total population is sociopathic, so you have a chance of running into one sociopath out of 25 people—yikes. (Worse, some of her colleagues suspect the estimate is too low.) ((Damn right, it is! Not just that, but they're multiple, serial cheaters - google "Narcissistic Sociopath - Harem" or "the Sociopath's Harem, which can contain up to 15, nicely deluded/brainwashed lovers-not-lovers, exes-not-exes, wannabes, co-manipulators/Lesser Narcs (all victims - google Secondary Supply). And then there are the bystander victims, e.g. kids, family, friends... Ergo, the amount of welfares and lifestyles and lives they mar/ruin/devastate logically MEANS that each NSpath is worth more than one single head-count - BIG-FAT INNIT! It's 45-55, always has been, always will...unless people stop having kids with them, meaning, the genetic susceptibility will VERY quickly die out...ain't bleedin' rocket-science, people...sorry, getting myself started haha - back to the article...)) Martha Stout warns, however, that one defining tactic employed by sociopaths to keep people under their control is the “pity play.” This is the closest you will come to finding a scarlet letter branding someone as a sociopath. ((The sleeping in the car was a Pity Ploy - so yours does both that AND the soft-soaping variation.)) What exactly should you be looking out for? ********************************************************************************************* If someone is shallow, manipulative, and they simply take and take from you with little regard for anything else (let alone your wellbeing), you better sit up and take notice. Most of us do, even if we are quick to explain it away with out own rationalizations. ********************************************************************************************* Eventually you might have enough and start pulling away. A sociopath won’t put up with this, so he or she will appeal to your sense of generosity, forgiveness, and understanding by pleading for pity. Get ready for a laundry list of all the woes, troubles, and hardships that have assailed the sociopath throughout an entire lifetime. In the words of Martha Stout from The Sociopath Next Door: “The best clue is, of all things, the pity play. The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to out sympathy.” ((Albeit that you, Feather, have the other 'of all things' - the total parasite-ing as if it's his right and your duty...and not even subtly/covertly...clearly thinks he needn't bother, given he's got away with it for so long now without being dumped).)) Martha Stout continues later on in The Sociopath Next Door: ********************************************************************************************* “When deciding whom to trust, bear in mind that all the combination of consistently bad or egregiously inadequate behavior with frequent plays for you pity is as close to a warning mark on a conscienceless person’s forehead as you will ever be given.” Never fall for it. It’s an act. ********************************************************************************************* The Story Of “Poor Luke” I read The Sociopath Next Door years ago in 2019, and since then, one anecdote in the book always stuck with me. It’s the story of “Poor Luke.” When we think of the non-violent sociopaths, it’s the Tinder Swindler or Mr. Fox from Bad Vegan. Maybe Bernie Madoff. Jimmy McGill and Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul is solid example, too. This is exactly what motivated Martha Stout’s writing of The Sociopath Next Door. It’s to warn us that all those without a conscience hide in plain sight within our everyday lives. Poor Luke is one such sociopath, who targeted a woman identified as “Sydney” in The Sociopath Next Door. The recounting describes Sydney as a kind, warm, and accomplished college professor. Since she had a homely appearance, her self esteem wasn’t the best. That made her a prime target for Poor Luke. ((Correction - ANY Alpha/Empath that's in a psychological place where they're not nearly as choosy as normal (low confidence, still reeling from the divorce, distracted), is a prime target ("here's my rare chance to bag myself an Arab, woohoo!"). The fact this is due to the target having uncharacteristically injured/lowered self-esteem at the time, just means LESS PRIMING AND BRAINWASHING FOR THE NARC TO DO...less work to become The Dominator/Master while making you the Subserviant/Slave. Even the nicest of world-famous celebrities with bags of genuine confidence, etc., get targetted ffs.)) ((This is a Victim-Blaming-Free zone. It's not psychologically possible for a victim to be even slightly to-blame or responsible. Fact.)) The handsome and charming sociopath showered Sydney with attention, ingratiated himself with her friends and family ((starting with the easiest-duped: your kids)), and then swiftly married her after a dizzying whirlwind romance. Before long, Sydney was pregnant with a son. She was ecstatic. Poor Luke was indifferent. As time went on, Sydney realized that Poor Luke was a parasite, leeching off of her material resources for his own comfort. He was ice-cold toward her and their son. He was, however, very enthusiastic about her house—specifically her pool. Poor Luke would swim and sunbathe by the pool all day long. Even though he did not work, Sydney had to hire help to take care of the new baby because of Poor Luke’s unreliability. ((This guy merely sounds less Covert-acting than yours, less willing to show his outrageous, baseless cockiness.)) Even after their ugly divorce, Poor Luke would still show up at Sydney’s house and quickly make himself at home. Despite everything he put her through, she put up with it. Why? Poor Luke used the pity play whenever Sydney tried to enforce the slightest of boundaries with him. He even used the pity play on their son to further guilt Sydney into letting him hang around the house day and night. He never failed to enjoy the pool when present. ((Think about it: you can't stay angry or even wanting to proceeding with taking issue, no matter how rightful, with someone you're feeling sorry for because they're 'actually' pathetic thus harmless (just a bit stupid maybe). It's a deliberate disarmament tactic to escape an earful and especially consequences. "I can't possibly say/do that now or that would make me a completely feeling-less cow/basstd. I'll wait til the next opportunity" - which 'somehow' never comes. Up and up goes your already sky-high frustration level...and now you start to drip-drip get ill.)) It did not end until Sydney finally up and moved from her home in Florida back to her native New England for a new job. The Pity Play And Narcissism There’s a reason why narcissistic and sociopathic behaviors overlap. The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the DSM-5) groups narcissism with sociopathy (an antisocial personality) into the Cluster B personality disorders. For a refresher: Cluster B personality disorders are a group of personality disorders characterized by dramatic, emotional, and erratic behavior. As described in the DSM-5, Cluster B personality disorders include the following: Borderline Personality Disorder: characterized by unstable moods, relationships and self-image, as well as impulsive behavior. Narcissistic Personality Disorder: characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. Histrionic Personality Disorder: characterized by attention-seeking behavior, exaggerated emotions, and a need for approval. Antisocial Personality Disorder: characterized by a disregard for the rights of others, a lack of remorse, and/or a history of criminal or impulsive behavior. What am I getting at? Once we get past the Diagnosis Obsession, we can see that narcissism and sociopathy overlap and present in similar ways. The key word is behavior. Individuals with these pervasive patterns of dramatic, emotional, erratic, and callous ((, grossly over-entitled, exploitative)) behavior act out in ways that sometimes send people running. So, tools are used to pull those people back in. And the pity play is something anyone with a manipulative and selfish personality will use, regardless of what that person might or might not be diagnosed as by a clinician. What’s always important to remember is this: how do the behaviors of a person make you feel? Let that guide you." ________________________________________________________________ New mantra for you...because Actions (or missing actions) speak louder than words: "Actions, Actions, ACTIONS!" Or - ref Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady: "Don't tell me - SHOW me!".

Final PS: "And it's not just the costs they rack up at your expense (usually just because SOMEONE'S got to pay that fine/bill) - Spath Narcs could be summed up as A Huge Liability on-legs - it's the (at your stage) unwarranted CONTEMPT they start you to treat you with!...despite they're not even REMOTELY worthy of you!" There you are....in all manners, completely supporting this (er) grown adult, as if they're your teenage, unemployed, kid... And what do you get for it? Gratitude? (Nope) Appreciation? (Nope) We Empaths...we may not always act generously and kindly to gain those things or even expect them. But what we DON'T expect, is ANTI-GRATITUDE! I rest me case (for now). Again, take all the time you need.

Wait - sorry - this wasn't clear: "a lover is secretly their CAREER (Siphoning-off), and that's ALL you are to them." ULTIMATELY all you are to them. NSpaths are the weirdest lot. They can love-ish or like-ish you (which is just lucky for them, not the main shebang). And yet, what you are(ish) or mean(ish) to them does NOT exempt you from being slow-mugged (Olivia Rodrigues: "sold me for parts") and mis-used - OR ABUSED, once that starts. It's the worst form of victim Cog Diss, therefore, because it's not "loves me, loves me not / is nice, is nasty all the way to evil". IT'S BOTH. And that's why they're the hardest type to dump. (That and the fact they can get violent and/or try as (unwarranted) revenge to put you in serious trouble where you can slide down the plughole (empty your bank account, eg.), which you DO sense despite fail to grasp/face on the conscious level (google Ambient Abuse)...so this elusive 'threat' plays a large part too.)

So therefore, they will abandon you/relationship and all the fuzzies as well as goodies it contains, rather than back down and cooperate and keep a lid on it all. It isn't just that their particularly sick ego (3 PDs equals severe Cluster B) 'will be the death of them'. It frequently literally IS the death of them. They're a sick, perpetually starving Ego on-legs. ...Sick Ego with Prada-Willi syndrome. ...They'd even eat a filthy carpet than admit/fix anything (or even just by-rote keep a lid on it), let alone loose such a LOVELY "Primary Supply" as yourself. (There are plenty more where you came from, that's why. Said Harem. Collection of back-up plans on-legs.) I'll shut-up now, don't want to overload you. Soz if I have.