Are these red flags

So the guy i am dating had a fling a 2 years ago. ( they met before we started dating) They met at our college and they worked in a study group together. Our mutual friend that was with them told me that he approached her a few times to ask for question about homework and study and then she invited him to be in their study group and he said yes. Apparently the study group lasted for about a week. During this time my current bf and his fling sat together everyday and flirted. He was trying to impress her by showing off that he could speak french, he was making her laugh, and drawing on her notes, etc.My friend said they even would stay after alone to be together in the library, after everyone in the group left. My friend also said that when the study group was officially over for the semester my boyfriend hugged the girl and asked if she wanted to visit his house for the summer so they could hang out. They talked over email and texted for the summer BUT they ended up not meeting up because they got into an argument. Apparently she wanted to take things to the next step and he wanted to take things slow. she told him not to talk to her anymore so he never did. Fast forward, him and I meet and have had a great relationship for about a year. I have never heard of her until now. Apparently she has recently reached out to him a few months ago via instagram and facebook because he doesnt have the same phone number or email as he did back then. He has told me that he blocked her. But i later found out found out from talking to him that he only blocked her insta but not her facebook. i thought this was weird. To this day he keeps saying its not a big deal and i am over thinking about this. She basically has been trying to work things out with him and apologize but He doesnt respond back to her. She has recently liked a picture of him on facebook and all he did was remove the picture from his profile but he still wouldnt block her. Another thing I thought was weird was that they have the same number of people they follow on instagram. Like the both have 88 people they follow. they do this on twitter too.I brought this up to him and he says again that i am overreacting. Lastly i think its weird that he put his new email on his linkedin bio.Like he is trying to leave it there in case she comes across it so she can have his new email address. When I asked him about these things he says im overreacting stilland when i told him to block her on everything again he said he thinks im thinking too much about it and wont.. Are these red flags?

The 88 people they follow is kind of weird, but maybe it's some random coincidence, or maybe they know mostly all of the same people. I would say the reaction of the guy you're dating so far has been mostly applaudable. He isn't responding to her and isn't really taking the bait. I also wouldn't really treat LinkedIn quite like Instagram and Facebook, since to my knowledge it is mostly for work and building career connections, but I also don't know a ton about LinkedIn and I do know it has gone more the social media route over the years. But I think social media in general is kind of stupid. I miss the days of E-Mail, Message Boards and Instant Messaging, before social media and this intersection of real life and your online life occurred. I would be wary if your partner really wants to partake in any of those social media apps/websites.

I think you are right. I just feel that its weird that he will not block her even though i am telling him to do this.

I hope others will respond and give some feedback. It's likely user Soulmate will at some point. Though I would like to give a better response about his choice not to completely sever that contact, I just don't know that I have the perspective you would want to give a good enough answer.

I appreciate your response!

Hi SunnySarah (ahhhh... :)), No, you're not overreacting. I repeat, you are NOT overreacting. Because you're assuming this string of actions of his, are a threat to you and your relationship. Were that the case then you'd be UNDER-reacting. And why WOULDN'T one assume it were a threat. Answer: because they're not aware of what the ex is, meaning, wholly different script, screenplay and plot to that of normal-healthy non-narcs. (Seriously, they're bloody EVERYWHERE these days, to the point where I think people must think I'm obsessed with them. Hah! Other way round, in fact.) She displayed a number of Niffy red flags even in the brief history you gave me. Not least, rushing. And - get this: how on earth is this supposed to make sense: she's so into him that she can't wait (to jump the gun) and yet JUST BECAUSE HE ASKS HER TO SLOW DOWN, she's suddenly so NOT into him that she can stand to, not just lose him, but, throw him away. MWACK-MWACK-MWACK - Narc Alert, Narc Alert! I'm sure she did far worse than he's let on. Might very well be that he's enjoying watching witchipoos sweat...all for nothing. Leading her on so as to humiliate her (and steal back his chunks of ego that she bit out of him, the faster way). Because, to me, that's the picture his actions are building. But he wouldn't want to admit that to you, for fear of your thinking he's petty-minded. (Pff!...not given what they put you through it's not; it's perfectly understandable). So in summary: you are acting normally to a situation that IS NOT NORMAL...distinctly abnormal. E.g. why does she want him again/back if she could manage so easily to do without him for so long? (That's a Gotcha and I need submit no further evidence, M'Lud/Lady!) Clearly she did the Narc Discard...'made him suffer' for TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...whole...years. COME. OFF. *IT*. Luv (am talking to her). No. It's this... make them suffer so that by the time you return (to your potential slave and captive), they will be so ucking relieved that they'll speed-up to the point of Warp, rather than risk having their heart broken ever again! I don't think he's falling for it, but, to teach her a lesson with some Own Medicine. (It's a Blokie Thing.) She must have torn chunks off of him, but his pride wouldn't want you knowing that (yet/ever), any more than it would, the fact he needs his chunks back and has thought up this 'cunning plan' to lead her on until.....he suddenly pushes her off a cliff. Do his actions (and ridiculous accusation of overreacting) make sense now?

PS: She's the one has kept her number of (hah! -) Friends at the same number as his. He's supposed to think they're Twin Flames or something. She's tricky, though. He might be biting off more than he can chew. Hopefully not, and, he'll manage to hobble her for a good year so that aaaalll her other duped boyfriends and exes-not-exes manage to get enough distance to wake up and run away, never to be seen again. Yes, please? If you don't stick it to them like that, you're just passing the buck onto the next poor innocent victim. Put them out of action, that's what I say (and do). I deliberately don't block, either. Never MIND that you are trying to communicate that you're disgusted with them and would rather gouge your own eyeballs out than ever be in the same room as them again. These are Ego Monsters we're dealing with, not normal people gone-wrong (get that through your skulls, peeps!)....truth & reality twisters/self- and other-deluders... They'll interpret it in the self-flattering way that best puffs-up their constantly deflating egos (hole in the ego tyre, no bike-pump, no way of getting one), meaning, they conclude THIS: Ahhhhh....He/She's SCARED of me...of my power and his/her powerlessness to resist me...because I am a GOD! So I receive. "Can't Be Bothered" (which by then I really can't) to open it until it's months old. Do so/read it. Then do ....NADA.....ZIP....ZILCH..... And I stay like that until they f-off. Eventually, you see, they (many are totally Paranoid) they conclude that the reason I'm just watching, must be because I'm showing and taking the piss with other people about their texts/behaviour. And then that makes me dangerous to them because I'm an Ego-Deflater, rather than Inflater (Google "Narc Primary Supply"). So then they don't try again in x or xx or xxx years, to suddenly pop out of the woodwork at me. Slow & Steady wins THIS race, at THIS stadium... you betcha. So I repeat. My very strong suspicion is that he's luring her into a trap to snatch back his ego chunks, but doesn't want you to think badly of him for "being capable of being nasty/vengeful".

"Like he is trying to leave it there in case she comes across it so she can have his new email address." Yep. To get her alone, without witnesses (email), whereupon he can slowly and steadily then suddenly let her ego have it. I'll bet, as opposed to Fakebook, people on linked-in have no idea of their history, either. Question: could you imagine your boyfriend as a policeman or street viligante?

Just read Balance's response. I said the same as him, look. Just went down more side-alleys. :)

Please excuse me, Sunny - just want to have a quick aside with "our Balance" (cos we don't have member-member email here - everything is above-table, in the open): "I hope others will respond and give some feedback. It's likely user Soulmate will at some point. Though I would like to give a better response about his choice not to completely sever that contact, I just don't know that I have the perspective you would want to give a good enough answer." Why aren't you an MP (a GOOD AND GOODLY one, I should add!)? Your tact and way with words is a-MA-zing, mate. And I loved the silky-smooth way you handed over to me, there, as well. :) And you're already being a huuuuge help to me and this place so.... I'm thinking, why don't we make you official and give you the recognition you deserve? I mean, sure, you don't know everything you need to yet, but you're learning very fast as you go (I've secretly, sneakily been mentoring you as we've been going, anyway heh-heh).... Deputy Moderator or Assistant Moderator, summat like that? What do you think? You could just try it (with the title banner) for a few days/weeks and see if you liked it, and if not, you just say so and we just switch your regular-poster banner back? I'd have to fly it past owner Richard first, obvs, but I can't see him objecting, the rate and calibre you've been going. Oh, and if you don't want to, don't feel shy or awkward about saying so (I can 'andle it ;)). No explanation needed or anything, just type, 'Ta but no ta', and we'll say no more about it and just carry on as we were...nothing will change. It's just a case of, 'if you don't ask, you don't get' and 'worth a try'. :))) Oh, and for the record: I think your gf is a very lucky lady. I do therefore think you can afford to assert yourself more. Whadjafink? (wiggles eyebrows challengingly)

PS: you wouldn't have to bum-spank with the forum wet flipflop - I'd still do that (and any other stuff you found too awks). But you could (in your silky smooth way) warn them that you'll be forced to set the resident rotweiller on them if they didn't pull themselves up sharp (rude/hugely insensitive or antagonistic posters for example). But you'd be 'front of house'...host, welcoming people and reassuring them that their patience in waiting will be rewarded, responding to their posts, still...that sort of thing. Though to be honest, your duties would be for you and I to think-up and agree. I've not had an assistant/side-kick on here before, bar Manalone, but whom can be here more than occasionally. It's charity - no salary - ...which actually is untrue because OH BOY does it pay in great karma! Seriously. I much prefer it when Fate pays me. It tends to be much more valuable than dosh. Anyhoo, I think that'll do for now... _________________________ Thanks, Sunny Sarah. :) Please continue...

Hey Soulmate, I'd be willing to give the official-helper-title a try. I don't always like to respond when there's an issue I don't feel qualified or in a position to respond to. Nobody is perfect, but I also don't want to walk away feeling like I'm mansplaining, or appropriating, or being a hypocrite. I'll try to help out where and when I can. But I'm also aware that I have ongoing issues and may not always give sound advice

Hurrah! Right, soon as I get a mo. I'll discuss with the lovely Ricardo. Re the ins and outs: " don't always like to respond when there's an issue I don't feel qualified or in a position to respond to." That's absolutely fine! Scopes would often post that he wasn't experientially qualified to address the issue but just wanted them to know that he was there, that his thoughts were with them, and he expected I'd be along. Or just chat about the latest world goss while they're waiting! "Nobody is perfect," Oy! What you tryin'a say? (hahahahaha!) No, course not. I think you think my expectations of you would heighten. Nope. Just as you are with the recognition that goes with it. I mean you're already acting like staff (without treading on any toes or rules) so - it's just a formality, really, and you can grow the role with you or vice-versa (especially with my input - I rub-off on people really quickly and can pack a hell of a lot of lessons into one sentance (you've probably noticed haha). So for now and the foreseeable - just 'more of the same, please, Bartender?'. :) "but I also don't want to walk away feeling like I'm mansplaining, or appropriating, or being a hypocrite." Huh? Don't get that bit, soz - explicas por favor? "I'll try to help out where and when I can." It's okay - I know. We'll see how we go. Honestly - I'm keen but I am laid-back about this at the same time. "But I'm also aware that I have ongoing issues and may not always give sound advice" I know that too. (Haha - I have MET you, you know? HAHAHAHAHAHA!). I'll step in if you're struggling, and then you can learn what sort of thing to put next time. Yep...gently, slowly, gradually. But again, let me get Richard's sanction. He is 'the forum', after all. He may not WANT us to have the capacity to get busier (albeit my idea is to share what we alreay have, but, you never know - you might attract more customers?) :) Righto, watch this space.... I've got a full day on tomorrow but, the minute I get a second... Bit Laters, GoldyWordygater! And thanks. :) (Sorry, Sarah! We'll make it up to you. :)) (- unless she's gone already??)

(And then after this, you can go and get a job as an MP. You're clearly a natural-born sociologist.) (Sorry Sarah - not you - Balance, hahahaha!)

@ soulmate, I read your reply and I think you gave great advice. I have some new info to add. For one, I think you are right. That something is a little off about the girl in question as she wanted to rush things. I recently found out that my now, possibly ex boyfriend, after their argument, joined a group that she was a part of in hopes that he would see her there. She ended up not joining it that year... So i think this broke his heart also. Another thing, I found out he just recently unblocked her on the first social media app and she has now been sending him apology messages. He is still not responding, but i think this is a new red flag. He is not drawing the line with her. I feel like he still has some feeling for her.

Also* He was the one to match the number of followers to hers. I checked. She then messaged him about it and said she though it was all cute and stuff... He then responded by going up a number to 89.. So im not sure if this is flirting or what

With that new information, it's kind of weird. You're with someone and they're constantly playing games with an old crush. It seems like neither one really got over the other. And you shouldn't have to deal with that.

My boyfriend tries to ensure me that this is not *cheating* because he does not reply to her messages. However, I agree with you @ Balance. That it is very obvious he is not over this girl and is playing games with her without having to directly message her. I also believe that she is more like an old *crush* than an old "friend". They seem to have a continuing *thing* going on and is allowing her to keep messaging him nd keeping him excited to hear from her. He is not setting boundaries with her, which is keeping her interested. Although I am glad that he has not replied. I still have a hard time feeling comfortable in our relationship knowing that he has not blocked her yet. Seeing that he has not blocked her is basically his way of showing that he is not fully over her..

Hi Sunny, "He is not drawing the line with her. I feel like he still has some feeling for her." Yeh. OUTRAGE, DISGUST AND RAGE. Try re-reading what I put. I've DONE what he's doing. I know or know of SO MANY OTHERS who do this. His dance steps match EXACTLY. If he's opened another window then it's because she's not taken the bait on Linked-in. Sometimes, they're too much to just walk away from and your pride and self-esteem demand that you give them an almighty 'whack'. (Usually, it's the novice victim so she was probably his first nasty narc. Or the first to get one over on him?) ______________________________ Balance, I'm about to ask Richard... fyi, to explain the delay - I got burgled. Not badly, but expensively, and thankfully, from the garden, not inside the house (opportunistic...drugs money, probably). What they stole was vital, however, and took time to replace/reinstall. It was my own fault, though, I forgot to lock the bloody gate that day. (Note to self: slow DOWWWN!)

To be clearer, Sarah: he is NOT acting like a bloke who is luring her 'in' due to wanting her back. Put a metaphorical dagger in her back, yeh. Romantic baggage reasons, NYO. I mean, if he DID want her back, even secretly away from your radar, he's doing a truly SH*T job! LOL HOWEVER... if his revenge is causing you anxiety, he'll just have to stop. Haven't you just outright ASKED him if that's what he's doing, yet? Or, being more general in your asking, why he even wants to keep the bridge open??

ALSO... 'sticking it to them' is the only thing that STOPS them from trying to contact you ever again (because as I explained, you turn from Ego-Supplier to Ego-Threat/Death. It's him, burning his half of the bridge so that she can't. EVER. I did it when I was in my new relationship, too. Why? Cos the slimy bugger was doing drive-bys and secret phonecalls, etc., even after I rang him and told him to back the hell off and s*d-off. You can't TELL them what to do; they're too arrogant and 'superior'. So you have to make it no longer their while...distinct opposite. Try an entry question on Quora about it - see what you get back? Or if I find time (aim to log-on this evening), I will. That might reassure you. What the problem is, is he's not sharing his cunning plan with you, thereby letting your imagination race negatively.

Tsk....it's just occurred to me: Is he triggering you? Were you cheated-on/two-timed by your last boyfriend?

Sorry for the 'sprinklings' but I'm working at the mo... "Also* He was the one to match the number of followers to hers. I checked. She then messaged him about it and said she though it was all cute and stuff... He then responded by going up a number to 89.. So im not sure if this is flirting or what" Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, clever lad! :D That is NOT flirting, that is humiliating her. She's gone and actually messaged about the 'Snap' and what does he do? Keep it like that? NO. He immediately changes it. (Yeeeah, he's triggering your baggage, that's why, isn't it, eh? Fairenoughski - we can deal with that/him.)

@soulmate. Him playing these games with her seems like a sign of interest to me. He is interacting with her which is what I do not want him doing. I feel like if he was not interested he would not be doing anything to keep her coming a back and he would not be showing her communication in anyway. The fact that he is not severing all lines of communication with her is a big red flag to me even if it is to get revenge. When I have asked him why he does not block he, he has said I am overthinking and he feels he doesn't need to.

side note: When he went from 88 to 89 to stop matching with her, this was a red flag to me because why match numbers with her in the first place? Then to go up a number is seeking her attention and anticipating a response from her. This is not a good sign. they are also still matching numbers on twitter...

"@soulmate. Him playing these games with her seems like a sign of interest to me." Not for romantic reasons. "He is interacting with her which is what I do not want him doing." THAT...is a separate issue, and the paramount one. If your new boyfriend is doing something that you read as disloyal, despite I know spiteful, game-playing narcs and their narc-victims and can see through it, yet refuses to give you, who cannot, an explanation that puts you at ease, rather than telling you you're overreacting and then, most recently, just saying you're overreacting in a NEW way like he has ("you're overthinking so I don't need to"), then you have every right to insist he do so on pain of losing you and his relationship with you. "I feel like if he was not interested he would not be doing anything to keep her coming a back and he would not be showing her communication in anyway." I've dealt with this by explaining it's not HER he wants, it's his pride back. "The fact that he is not severing all lines of communication with her is a big red flag to me even if it is to get revenge." Spoken like a true non narc-victim! If you'd been with one, you'd be cheering him on and even helping him with ideas! Mine was. But then, of course, I told him I was going to make the ex eff-off by setting him up (because nothing else was working). Saying all of that, I've asked you some specific, meaty, salient questions up there and note you've failed to answer them. Could you do so, please? I'm a calculator - I need ALL the relevant and pertinent data, whether it's to explain properly or formulate a win/win that will suit you as an individual. Capiche? (You're anonymous to the degree of needle in a whole solar-system of haystacks, so there's no problemo...i.e. too many people are in your precise boat and concerned about it/what it means... You could be a 7ft hairy bloke for all we knew (...or shaven, whatever lol).

@soulmate So my issue is that he should not want to have ANY interest in interacting with her or keeping any line of communication open with her, for any reason. Everyone has likely had a terrible ex or narcissist in their life. That does not mean you have to continue contacting them. I have asked him why he is keeping contact with her and I asked him why he keeps these lines of communication open and he basically says she is an old friend.

Just bumping you up for this weekend... :) Soz the delay (see Balance's thread-end for explanation).

No - wait - I've just realised you still haven't yet answered my specific questions, eg. have you ever been 'cheated on'. This is not a question that will allow me to pass any kind of judgement on you or that could reduce the veracity in my eyes of your feelings about any boyfriend of yours - PER SE, BEING in contact, with an Ex-spells-EX ("This....is a dead parrot!") (name the famous comedy stand-up and film group!). It will allow me to CUSTOMISE your menu of potential solutions, so that you don't have to face CHUCKING the guy. Or do you WANT to chuck the guy? I don't think so or you wouldn't have come here for help. You'd have just chucked him. How long have you two been together, anyway? What ages are you? All this improtant data is missing. I do things properly/thoroughly or not at all, so - "Hit me!". Saying that, I can feel what feels like you panicking, from here... Reassurance time: 1. I live here, I ain't going anywhere. You can deal with this smoothly and slowly if you want. I'm here for the long haul. 2. This is sortable. ...on which note, have a couple of 'my dear ol' dad' quotes: 'Everything is always alright in the end. So if everything ISN'T alright, then, that just means it's just not The End yet.' (My version is: Of course you're going to meet light at the end of that tunnel - if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The very definition of a tunnel is that it has an entrance *and an exit* (duuuh? LOL) PS: while I'm waiting for your fuller data - I'll just keep you going with this: "I have asked him why he is keeping contact with her and I asked him why he keeps these lines of communication open and he basically says she is an old friend." Yes. HE'S LYING! I've EXPLAINED why. And explained again.... feeling like we're caught in this circular debate, when, whether you decide to chuck or not, it's really important for you and your healing to, not just UNDERSTAND where he is/was coming from and why, but FEEL it. Cognitive with Affective is only half an understanding - which, being a contradiction in terms, translates to: An Under' (and - "Duuuuuuh"). It's hard enough to see your own woods for the trees, but even harder when you're feeling threatened. You go into 'Fight Or Flight' (high Defcon) mode, which turns a hell of a lot of 'mental departments' OFF, lowering your iQ by a HUGE amount. You're not nearly as intelligent and capable of clear judgement and decision-making as normal. Fairenough, he might be un-ready for you/this new relationship OR he might be trying to be a manly hero to make her permanently get AWAY from the two of you. Because, I repeat - you cannot just tell these types to bog-off and leave you alone instead of trying to threaten and piss-off - THEREBY *SEEING-OFF* - your new relationship partner. What you want and what you by-rights demand, may as well sound like THIS to them! : "Mwah-mwah mwah mwah MWAAH-mwaah-mwaah"... like Charlie Brown's teacher. You're the emotional and/or SLAVE. You don't GET any say or control or share of power. If you're considering ending this because he's (er...er - sort-of) in contact (via actions but no words) (THAT'S NOT CONTACT, that's just a bridge to walk over...a lure!), but for the (provable - IF you give me more data) intentions of PROTECTING yours and his relationship - PROPERLY/FOREVER!....if you're considering end it with him over this then (get this)........................ His ex is on her way to SUCCEEDING in seeing you off, hasn't she. *Clearly* she *is* cleverer than him (albeit downright retarded in the longer-term/within the bigger picture of life.) So, granted, his attempt to be your relationship's Protector (Hero) -and attempt to keep his Wolfy side (we all have one) a secret from you in these early days (because he's trying to impress you, not send you running) - which is what a healthy bloke is still hard-wired to do (Protect his gal and territory) - seemingly is in the process of backfiring on him. I.e. his "cunning plan" is going to damage HIM (lose you) as well as you (lose him), but.... EEZ A GEEZER, INNIT. This is what I need to establish - so that you leave here, happier than when you came. Sorry about that(?). :D You're at about DefCon3, cresting/peaking to 2, I reckon. Am I close? (It's fine - you can say - it's normal in your boat - and we've most of us, been where you are.) Phew! That was no mean feat at the mo (I'm drugged-up to the eyeballs on pain meds at the mo., LOL)

Oops, forgot my Dad's second famous line: 'No experience is a bad experience. It's NO experience that's bad.'

Tsk...Cognitive *WITHOUT* Affective (emotional).

Ive not been cheated on. We are both in our late 20s, and we have been together 1 year. What ive noticed from her lately is that she has removed her like from his photo and she made her profile private. I wonder if he will notice this and make a move toward her. She is trying to get his attention.

Sunny, THANK-you. :) ___________________________________________ "She is trying to get his attention." Possibly? ORRRR... - has cottoned-on to the set-up, his intent to cause her such a (well-deserved) psychic injury (via ridicule and humiliation instead of manipulated validation of her sanity/normalness) that her whole "House Of Cards" (childish-&-effed-up-survivalist self-delusions) come tumbling down...which, being suddenly extinguished like that, could cause her a nervous breakdown (Narc Rage and Petit Mort)) - and/or, worse, in the interim, have her hell-bent on revenge because she can't "process it away" otherwise (her sick ego literally can't tolerate it). (...Du-nno. Don't know enough details about her... (care to??). - she's a Covert (thus cowardlyly-sneaky), as such, avoidant where outright, above-table confrontations are concerned, so, having cottoned-on, she's SCARPERED (slithered away) in-time. _____________________________ But never mind her - or him. What do YOU want to happen? (a) Do you want to chuck him - as would, for you, be as a *last* resort (following other patterns of shoddy behaviours/boundaries), rather than a first? (b) Or do you want to keep him but with her (it!) no longer even an atomic presence in your lives, in which case you bear-with the situation for a short while (setting yourself a duration-deadline) but (*INSIST* you) team-up with him to make her be the one to forever steer clear (OR "NO DICE, FELLA!")?... Two against one and all that?...Teamwork becaue it's a Team problem? (And PS - don't describe the stalemate situation he's put you in (or she has), as, "It's Her or Me! CHOOSE!". Say, "It's Her or You & Me...Us! CHOOSE!" (Diff/all the diff....and no giving him 24 hours; there shouldn't BE any question about it).) (c) Or do you stick around here, have me and others here help you to lower in DefCon status first so that you can start to tackle this - even with 'back-up' if you need it - with your normal, fullest cylindry engaged? (Or as me dear ol' dad would say: If you're emotionally over-aroused - negatively or even positively! - DO...ABSOLUTELY....*NOTHING* ...until you can tell you aren't. (My version: if you let Kirk alone make all the vital plans/decisions instead of he and Mr Spock in unison (as they ought always be), then (Scottie's voice please) - "Don't beeee surrrr-priiised EF THE SHEP CRRRRASHES!"). Shall we investigate that case, together, 'M'Colleague'? Or is it Dump The Dud Time (- the unready thus woefully inadequate dater whom arrogantly thinks he IS)? Whichever you want to do - I'll help. ("DANN-DANN-DAAAAAAN!..." ;))

Oh, and you don't have to tell him how you know what you know. If scraping the barrel behaviourally IS what he's doing ("eff-you and your shhhtooow-pid boundaries, b*tch!") - OR EVEN IF IT ISN'T BUT HE HAS BEHAVED IN WAYS THAT HAVE MANAGED TO CONVINCE YOU YOU'RE UNDER THREAT, that you simply refuse to tolerate or continue a relationship with that as its basis (shaky, non-lasting foundation, lies a standard feature, etc.), then, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO. It is known in a court of law, as, *Reactive* Abuse (on the part of the target-victim) - which is "fair dos" and allowed/forgiven/understood. It means that under normal relational circumstances, it would not be in your nature to spy on him and monitor things.... wouldn't normally occur to you. Put more simply: The Courts *absolutely* care who started it. K? :) If he doesn't like the flavour of choccie bar that comes out of your vending machine (you), then, he should have been a lot more sensitive and careful about what sort of coins he inserted into your machine, shouldn't he. (:pppppppppppppp) (I know your rights. LOL (but seriously).)

@Soulmate Im not sure what is going on anymore as he has stopped reacting to her and possibly as a result she has gone private online. I am still very upset that he has gone out of his way to interact with her. I feel like he should not have been focusing on playing these games with her at all. I am not sure what to do at the moment.

No - you're quite correct - HE SHOULDN'T. Normally. However, this isn't Normally (because this is his ex-Emotional Rapist, not ex-Girlfriend). In this situation, it's allowed. However what is NOT allowed, is his NOT TELLING YOU. Maybe all you should say is - 'Why are you being such a tw*t? Is this your passive-aggressive way of getting rid of me?'. But for the moment - if you're unsure - then do nothing. Have a processing holiday, knowing you've got us/this place here, now (Yurr see-cuh-rrret veapon, Com-rrad). One thing I want you to check for your own sake, though: IS this 'staying engaged'- no, sorry, 'staying ENGAGEABLE' (let's be factual and fair) an uncharacteristic, first-time reaction/response with any ex? One year is NOT a long innings if one of you is not transparent, including, about something that absolutely is your business to know IN-DETAIL, TO THE NTH. It means you're not that close. Saying all of that: if she's made a stark move and he's not batted an eyelid - maybe that's because he's satisfied his cunning plan has worked? (Not, to impress YOU with, it hasn't) ('Oh, what a web we weave when first we practise to deceive'). All he's achieved there, is, dented a huge portion of the trust he just spent the last twelve months, presumably working hard to build up in you(?). Me, I wouldn't want to take another step unless he finally 'deigned' to give me an A to Z, sit-down explanation of why and where he was coming from over this/her ("It") AND same goes for why he couldn't trust you enough to confide in you with his 'gameplan'. Who died and made HIM Boss of your relationship with, he seems to think, power of unilaterial decisions that AFFECT YOU TOO. Yeah - you're going to need proof that his intention where you/your relationship is concerned, was good and pure (excluding the not explaining bit). Until then, though... "I feel like he should not have been focusing on playing these games with her at all. " What IF.... - seriously - WHAT IF.... he'd read or been told that this was his only means of 'warning her of what would happen if she didn't stop' (i.e. I'm waiting for you with a pitchfork in-hand), and that he'd also read/learned NOT to tell you or yadder-yadder you'd not understand and think him small-minded and pettily vengeful? Yeah. Take a brain holiday...the poor thing must be fit to explode, all the mega-fast thinking/processing you've felt forced to have to do. You do now have a plan of action at the ready. (More importantly, you have the mindset, the attitude: "I AIN'T AVIN' THIS NONSENSE, LUV - SHAPE UP OR SHIP AAAT!". Quite right, too. And maybe he'll be more prepared (as the whole thing loses its power by shrinking with the distance of the coming days and weeks) to let you in on it all? It's GOOD to hang-fire in this precise situation, though, anyway. It's called, 'Give them enough rope and they (the guilty) will hang themselves FOR you'. Make him think you've dropped it and aren't looking....see what happens. That, you can manage on your overworked bonce because, it's not doing something, it's failing to do something. PS: I do not miss the pairbonded state AT....ALL! And this kind of nonsense is why. ...Aaaargh! Just - aaaargh! (Say it with me, Sunny:) AAAAARGH! .....Ssssssstupid boy. It's called out-narcing the narc, not, pissing-off your new girlfriend while kicking all the bloody trust out of her, which is like pouring your earnings down the drain. You sure he's in your intelligence league?....nah, scrap that - we'll soon find out, eh. Please keep us all posted? Remember/realise, you have silent followers (Lurkers) who can't wait to see how this unfolds (to know they're not mad and to know their own rights in this kind of set-up). :)

It might not be a popular answer, but if this woman has gone private and there's no signs they're still interacting, then maybe you can forgive for now and put the situation behind you. I say this because nobody is perfect, and people do things like this from time to time. At least he isn't boldly cheating on you, or doing one of countless other bad things that you wouldn't want your partner to do. Unless you feel like this is just an issue you can't really forgive or move past, in which case you gotta do what you gotta do. And you won't have to deal with problems like this if you're single. But I can assure you, you will run into some sort of issue, sooner or later, with anyone else. Could be something you can deal with, could be something worse. It might be something harmless but annoying, like they interrupt you a lot or make loud smacking noises when they eat. So I guess that's why I'm voting for team forgive and move on with this one for now. But you make the choice you feel is appropriate for you.

@BALANCE Here is an update: It seems like she is playing another game with him. A new one. Like she is going private like this maybe to get his attention again, as I do notice he has taken a step back from her. HE seems to be checking his phone a lot though... He also still hasn't blocked her completely. Even though they are not communicating, there still seems to be a "communication sequence" that is still ongoing with the follower numbers on their profiles. - On twitter they both still have 33 followers matching. - On Instagram he seemed to stop communication with her on his end. It seems like he has done this to show her that he is not wanting to communicate anything right now. - The matching sequence on twitter seems like a red flag though, like why is he keeping this alive?

I cant seem to fully forgive him for him being involved with her. I don't think its right that he has decided to keep in touch with her for any reason. He is supposed to be with me now, so he should have never been worried about her. I think he was flirting with her. Plus he told me that the reason that she ended things with him was because he did not want to take the next step of a relationship with her. He wanted to stay friends after they had been doing all kinds of flirting, so I am guessing she may not have been the one that caused the hurt I think she was the one who was hurt. But now that they are in contact again his actions toward her show that he was never over her and she was never over him.

He's innocent. LOOK!... "Apparently she wanted to take things to the next step and he wanted to take things slow. she told him not to talk to her anymore so he never did." The NARC NEEDS to super-speed up the fauxlationship - to beat your realisation, your "waking up" to what they actually intrinsically are - which is, nothing LIKE the Nice Guy/Gal they forced you to fall prematurely in-love with (Chained/Hooked!)...and nothing like YOU (despite all the "Narc Mirroring and Impressions-Management". It's your first defence if you want to check your squeeze isn't a Narcissist - everyone knows this counter-tactic now! You ask them to SLOW THINGS DOWN. It's what he DID. It WORKED. He moved ON: It's HER. She must nowadays be utterly desperate for Supply (because almost everyone's too savvy now, especially thanks to the interweb during Lockdowns, and people finally having ample time to share knowledge and experiences on this score). So she's having to try it back on with, indisputably, actual *Exes*, like your boyfriend. Google, "Narcissist casting their net for victims" (or some such). I'll bet he's not the only 'return target' she's prodding and poking. And btw, saying the tallying is Cute, IS flirting! It's her. Two years of being completely free of her and her influence, he certainly would be capable of counter-playing her like this...faking that she might just have a chance (which, for her, would be to get her revenge on him (to reinflate her ego using his air) for ACTUALLY LEAVING her dumped...unlike most other victims...., rather than begging her to try again. This enrages them because it threatens their warped/deluded and predatory/parasitic way of being/dealing...their "Narc World View"... He didn't stay drugged-up and half asleep like he was supposed to). He's arrogant. But that's it as far as I can see. He might not even BE arrogant. He might be legitimately, with-basis, super-confident about his own abilities to preventatively defend himself AND "his woman", while barely breaking his stride! KEEP FOCUSSING ON THE FACT that she said "(Titter-titter) That's Cute" and HE said (did), 'Oh yeah? In that case I'll change it and compulse your pathetic ego waste time chasing after another 'bum on seat'. He wants her to waste her time and then for the penny to drop, that the master duper has BEEN DUPED. NOT ONLY was he savvy and strong enough to just say AND MEAN, an accepting little '...Okay', when she said they were over,...to get on with his life like she no longer existed on the planet... but now, STILL, he is stronger and smarter than her. (Well, of course he is - he's not the cripple!) We don't know, guys. That's why we should 'freeze' and watch him like a hawk whilst acting like nothing's wrong any more. More data/evidence, whichever way. We can't approach this emotionally. Nor with impatience just because we're ALL gagging, now, to see what happens next. What you can do in the meantime, if you're not too knackered, Sunny, and need the distraction to speed the wait up, is tell us what you've been thinking of the relationship outside of this event? Is he otherwise delightful? Let's give him a quick frisk. :)

PS: Could he be described as slightly Macho, Sunny?

PPS: I mean... "I'll bet he's not the only 'return target' she's prodding and poking. And btw, saying the tallying is Cute, IS flirting!" How TENUOUS a connection thus how revealingly DESPERATE an attempt to engage by getting girlie-girlie. If THAT'S the depth of barrel (desperation) she's been societally forced to in these last 2-plus years - she may as well have just said THIS: 'Oh wowww, I've just realised something: WE BOTH HAVE FACES!....titter-titter, that's so cuuuute'.

...Ermahgeeersh, Sunny - I've just notiiiiiced...You and I boooth posted on here on the same daaaaaaay, onnnce, oh, wOOOoow..... I'll book the church, you organise the caaaaake! ("How's about 'No'?") (Well...it made ME laff.)

The fact that he is involving himself with her after they have already ended things is a red flag. He should not be wanting to keep any kind of contact with her.

He initially matched numbers with her. Then he changed it to get her attention. I know how my bf is.

He changed it because I noticed she didn’t text him back for a few days.

Yes, that is true. So what DO you want to do? And now that those rhyme I'll have to make time To type it the ending it's due. (Hands round hat) But seriously... You seem to know what you DON'T want to tolerate so - what's the solutional-opposite of tolerating his relationship-rule-breakage as clearly IS a Dealbreaker for you, SINCE YOU CANNOT MOVE PAST IT (actions-actions)? I mean, if that's you and what means so much to you, then - c'est la vie, tough tittie to him! You've GOT to feel safe or this pairing will go nowhere, fast. Is 'girding your loins' for the purposes of ending it with him what's causing you this anxiety? Or worrying you might make a mistake?

"He initially matched numbers with her. Then he changed it to get her attention. I know how my bf is." Why did he need her attention if she'd already given it (aww, cuuuute) ((puke)). ?? ___________________ "He changed it because I noticed she didn’t text him back for a few days." Yeah, but he'd still do that if what he were doing were playing/luring her! THAT'S WHY we need to do this Stake-Out for the next however-many- well, until one of them makes another move! Or don't! I KNOW you need to know now-now-now, I do know. But you can't. PS: Are you going to tell me about his performance(s) to-date, next? (Deep, gravelly voice, please: AH 'WANNIT NAAOW', TOO, AN WIV BUNNY-WABBITS ON MAH BIB.) (Sorry, I'm on pain medication.... laugh or ignore at your leisure, haha.)

@ soulmate well I dont know it seems like something fishy is going on here for sure

Okay. Keep monitoring. Anything so much as TREMBLES - report straight back here (, Sergeant)! The more jigsaw pieces I have, the clearer the picture it builds. Likewise, if you suddenly remember or realise something. PS: Feel free to answer any posts (pref. ones that don't trigger you) if you feel up to it and need something(s) else to think about. (Too much waiting around for things in life, eh....Really painful time.)

PS: why are you being so over-cautiously cagey, btw? (- my poor questions, "WAAAAAH!") Realise - you're a needle in a universe-sized haystack. NO chance anyone's going to 'recognise' you. Plus this is NOT a rare difficulty/problem AT all. You don't suspect he spies on your texts or anything, do you?

...Then, I don't know, I guess we're back to square one. The thing is, you are Monkey in the Middle right now. You don't like being Monkey in the Middle, but they're keeping you in that position. If you feel that your boyfriend's behavior oversteps boundaries too much, then you probably need to end things and make a clean break, and get away from this constant one-upping going on all around you.