Daughter is best friend with her bully

HELP! My 10-year-old daughter (let's say her name is Tia) is friends with a girl (let's say Mia) who is mute around grown-ups but very vocal when she is with my daughter. My daughter recently got a phone (I regret it now) and gets to speak to her friends over the weekend and maybe sometimes during the week, only if she has had a good day at school! PROBLEMS START I hear Mia talking, very confident on the phone to Tia (not forgetting she is mute to everyone around her)... starts lovely, lots of laughing and giggling, to then hearing Mia say, SHUT UP, YOU'RE A B***H, I F**KING HATE YOU. Yeah! ok, now I know my daughter is no angel, but it's unacceptable to be spoken to this way just because she wanted to leave the call.... A few weeks later, the same sort of thing happened again, but this time at school in the playground. Tia wanted to play with someone else, and Mia did not like it, so she scratched 3 nasty nails, skin off scratches which have left hairline scars on my daughter..... fuming is an understatement..... but with a lot of breathing exercises, I calmed down and addressed the situation. Option 1: Take my child out of school, or forgive and hope this doesn't happen again! No more violence has occurred, but I am always being pulled into the classroom due to my daughter getting herself into trouble for covering up for Mia because she is her best friend, BUT IS SHE!!!!????

Hi FreeSpirit! Don't panic - I or someone else will be with you just as humanly possible (this isn't our day-job). There are lots of solutions/options here. Almost all parents have to deal with this sort of thing at some point in their child's school career. I had to. But as the teachers were useless, I dealt with it myself (nicely). We're slow but we're good - no worries. Speak soon(er)!

PS: Already - I think it's because Mia is being over-dominated, possibly bullied, at home, hence is trying to get her ego-chunks back by turning round and stealing them (sneakily) off/via Tia, and trying to have power over something - this case, Tia.

PPS: While you're waiting - go into as much detail about it all as you can. Include how Tia feels and is saying about it all. That'd speed things up greatly.

Just going to keep you bumped-up and top-of-board so that others can contribute once they get a mo....

But we DO need a lot more detail. Be as lengthy as you like (but in chronological order of events...like a newpaper article).

Hi Freespirit44, I will say, this issue is a breath of fresh air. I think bullying and two-faced friendships are something that probably deserves more attention on here. ...Not that I'm implying in any way that I'm happy for what you and your daughter are experiencing, but I'm glad you came here to look for feedback. It will be refreshing for me to respond to, from some of the other topics on here lately. So my first thought was that Mia sounds extremely spoiled, or as Soulmate suggested, possibly bullied herself (either at home, or by someone else) or has possibly not as good of a home life as Tia. My mind at first went to a family member of mine, who was homeschooled and babied by her mom a lot - in response, she became kind of mean to other kids her age and pushed them away by being rude and always needing the center of attention. ...But, the issue may be more pressing than that, since the girl you describe is about 10 years old, and is using some very rough language and being mean to your daughter when she wants to end the phone calls. The whole angle of Mia being mute most of the time is what throws me off, and could point to much more serious issues. I think you need to sit your daughter down and try to explain to her that Mia's behavior towards her isn't right, and that she shouldn't feel the need to take the fall for Mia. She should realize that sometimes, Mia getting in trouble is a necessary result of her bad actions. It's why people pay fines or do community service when they break laws. They messed up, so they need to make up for that in some way and think about what they've done wrong. And, if there are deeper issues causing Mia's behavior and her lashing out, well, then that will likely come out more quickly and in due time if she is getting into trouble frequently. But I also want to stress - don't pull Tia out of school. Look, this is the world we live in, and these are some of her peers. It is natural as a parent to want to protect or help out your kid, and I mean if there is imminent danger and kids bringing guns and knives and things to school, or threatening your daughter's life, then by all means get her out of that situation and into a better school district. But for this kind of stuff... That's a part of what school is for, or should be. It helps prepare kids for the 'real world', and the kinds of behavior that other people will dish out on a regular basis. It makes me mad whenever I think about that family member of mine that is being homeschooled, because I feel like they are missing out on crucial life experiences and normal interaction with the next generation of society. On top of that, I'm not so sure that kid is getting the best possible education, in fact there is probably some conspiracy-theory bs being sprinkled in there. Kids like that are going to grow up with issues, and the irony is that eventually they might go the complete opposite way their parents brought them up out of rebellion once they actually do grow up and see the real world is much different. Keep Tia going to school and learning, and having these interactions and experiences. Every once in a while, maybe you can ask how Tia is doing with her friends and peers as she grows up and navigates childhood and teenage complexities. She might not always want to give a straight answer, or even talk about it, but she will appreciate you taking an interest in her life, being concerned about her well-being, and being there for her if she needs to talk. As for Tia being Mia's patsy, I'd try to nip that in the bud.