Intimacy disparities

I’m looking for some honest feedback on my situation to understand if I’m being unreasonable or missing something. I’m happily married with two kids (7 and 10), and I love my wife deeply. I handle most of the laundry, weekly cleaning, cooking, and changing bed sheets, while we split grocery shopping and dropping off/picking up the kids fairly evenly, depending on our schedules. My wife takes care of most school-related tasks, like reading newsletters and communicating with teachers. We also both support each other in doing separate activities, like hobbies or outings, and encourage each other to have that space. I try to do something nice for her every day, like setting out her breakfast, making coffee, or offering tea in the evening. I give her hugs and kisses, tell her I love her every morning and night, and sometimes surprise her with her favorite food or offer a back massage or foot soak. These massages usually last 20-60 minutes, and I do them to make her feel loved, regardless of my own mood. We always talk during dinner about our day, plans, or anything on our minds. Occasionally, I plan special date nights like a musical, dinner, and a hotel stay, though I’d love to do this more often. I also try at-home date nights, but I feel they don’t always turn out great, though we sometimes have really good conversations. The issue is that we have different desires when it comes to intimacy. I’d like us to be intimate 1-2 times a week, but I’m always the one initiating, and sometimes months can pass between intimate moments. If she’s not in the mood for sex, I feel she could still meet my needs in other ways. When we last discussed this, she said she needs to be in the right mood to satisfy me, and it’s not something she can just do. I struggle to accept this because, for example, when I give her a massage, I don’t do it because I’m in the mood—I do it to make her happy, no matter how I feel. It feels unfair that she can’t give me 10-15 minutes a week to meet my needs in some way if she’s not in the mood for sex. Am I being unreasonable or selfish for feeling this way? I’d really appreciate your thoughts to help me see if I’m approaching this wrong.

Differences in libido can be a real issue for couples, especially ones that have been together for a while. I think there can be numerous reasons why people aren't in the mood for sex. It could have a lot or very little to even do with sex. And heck, I have to be in the right mood to sit down and watch a movie. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for 10-15 minutes of, ahem, manual stimulation, or oral stimulation of some kind from your partner. But I also get that not everybody is into that. I imagine for a lot of women, a lot of self-consciousness comes into play. Us guys can kind of shut that off and be like, "Hell yeah, I'm the best!", and put our own feelings of inadequacy and imperfection aside to do the deed. For women, if they don't feel sexy then they simply can't be sexy. I would like for Soulmate and some of the other users here to weigh in on the subject, because a woman's perspective could be very helpful here.

Nice one, Balance! Felton (hi!) - question: Do you know, when, for women, Foreplay begins (and therefore succeeds)?

Actually - reading your opening post again (sorry, was in a rush earlier) - scrap that question because obviously you DO know (- it starts the minute you both get out of bed that morning). How come you do all the housework, though? Or is it that the school is more like a cult (letters every day, e.g.)? Have you actually done a proper log of the chore-share ratio? A lot of women when kids are still dependents lost their libido tho. It's a phase. HOWEVER, that's not the issue here, is it. It's the fact she isn't willing to "just Nike". It's called, Self-Sacrifice. What things does she self-sacrifice over, elsewhere in your marriage. Anything(s)?

Hey Felton, first of all – I hope I can be of some help here. So here are my thoughts on that. It’s clear that you deeply care for your wife and your family. You seem like someone who puts a lot of thought, effort, and love into your relationship. So it’s completely understandable that you're struggling with the situation around intimacy – you're not selfish, just a human being with needs. From what you describe, I sense that it’s not just about the physical intimacy itself, but also about feeling emotionally seen and valued in return for all that you give. And when that part feels neglected, it can hurt – especially if the giving feels one-sided. But: physical intimacy works differently for many people compared to emotional care. While you may be willing to give a massage even if you’re not “in the mood” for it, for many (especially women, who might have different emotional or hormonal regulation), sex isn’t something they can just “give” without feeling emotionally ready themselves. For them, it can feel like a violation of their own boundaries – or like pressure – even if that’s not how you intend it. Consent isn’t just about saying “yes” – it’s about whether that “yes” comes from a place of genuine willingness, safety, and emotional readiness. Anything else can slowly erode trust, even in loving relationships. I say this not just in theory – I’ve been in a similar situation myself. My ex-partner used to tell me we weren’t having enough sex, and even though I loved him, I felt increasingly pressured and emotionally worn down. He couldn’t accept that I just wasn’t in the mood sometimes, and that ongoing pressure created distance instead of closeness. It made me feel like I was no longer seen as a whole person – just as someone not "fulfilling a role." That doesn’t mean your needs aren’t valid. But the answer likely isn’t expecting her to “just do something for 10–15 minutes” – it’s about having an open, heartfelt conversation about your needs, differences, and maybe even your fears. It might help to shift the focus away from a “not enough sex” problem and instead talk about connection, closeness, and mutual understanding. Sometimes these imbalances are symptoms of something deeper, like the other both already mentioned – it can be stress, insecurity, emotional distance, or simply the changing rhythms of life with kids and routines and so on. Maybe a conversation not aimed at solutions, but at understanding how you can both feel closer again – emotionally and physically – without either of you feeling pressured or unfulfilled, could be a good next step. And I was also wondering the same thing as Soulmate. Ask yourself: what do you think she’s doing for you, outside of sex, to make you feel loved or cared for?

I was in a 17-year marriage that had little-to-no physical intimacy. It was always the main argument between me and my husband. I thought I was broken - I saw doctors, therapy, etc. tried everything. I truly loved my husband but never really wanted to have sex with him. For the first 10-12 years we had a good relationship and took care of each other. It was just missing sex. Then we conceived a child. We were happy but still almost no sex. After she was born we actually started having pretty regular sex because for the first time in my life, it did not hurt - so I actually wanted it. But when baby was a few months old, my husband started abusing alcohol and things got really bad. Then I definitely did not want to be physically intimate with him. Our marriage ended and we are divorced. I have a new partner and we literally have sex 2-5 times a day and it has been almost a year. I don't know what to say... except that my ex-husband never really took care of himself. He was always overweight and did not deal with finances well. I carried us financially through most of the relationship. It seems petty and I know I sound like a massive b*t$h but I wasn't sexually attracted to him for most of our relationship, I guess because of things like that. It goes deeper than what I've mentioned but that basically sums it up. I don't mean to come at you - but... when you guys fight; what does your wife complain about? My ex never addressed the very basic things that I begged him to address for YEARS. And it broke us.

FFWBATTY23 (hi and welcome!), it doesn't sound petty AT ALL. Probably because it isn't. We're not WIRED yet to reverse romantic roles to that degree. I know women being the breadearner was "in" during the 80s, but, who cares when the fact - FACT - remains that no matter that you don't sense it consciously, it's a role-reversal too far. Equal earnings, roughly, yes. Far more than the man, noooo. The effects showed themselves. Also, a drastic gain in weight/decline in physical attractiveness compared to how he was 'when you responded to his original advertisement', is a "relaxation" in effort too far, too. I mean, you've got to FANCY your romantic partner, haven't you. Nope, not petty at all! ______________________________ CN, BEAUTIFUL post! :))))))))))))))))))))) (I love being right) (hee-hee-hee...you'll have to catch me first!)

Same to you, Batty! That was jam-packed with useful, relateable info. Do more posts if you fancy it? :)