Feeling smothered but families strict dating rules…I’m 21!

Hey all! Im just gonna jump STRAIGHT in. I feel smothered… or even slightly constrained. I’m 21 but I’m being treated like a teen? I know they care about my safety but it gets to a point… So my family has these rules about my dating life that I gotta follow other then that I’m free to do whatever I wish with my life. Doesn’t sound too bad right? Well that’s also what I thought until the demands kept coming. First rule is that if I want to go on a date with a guy they MUST meet him first before go anywhere with him. And I mean first date! It’s already awkward enough. I thought fine i guess I can go through with that. And I did it was awkward but not the worst. Me and the guy was talking about a possible second date this weekend I was gonna drive to his town this time since he came to mine last and we planed to have a little date. I don’t have my own car yet so I asked to used the car (that answer is usually always yes) to be met with a no. She said it was too soon to drive to his town? And it wasn’t safe??? In my head I’m like isn’t it more dangerous for him to pick me up at least if I have my own car I could just leave if need be. But I was like ok fine I told him what my parents said he understood and we planed for something possibly later this week. I told my family member that it was rescheduled and he’ll come by me and do something where I live. She agreed to that plan but then added on top that she NEEDED a picture of his ID??? EMBARRASSING like girl please my anxiety is high enough without u doing that! Even tho 5 mins before that she JUST stated he didn’t have to meet them again? This isn’t about dating but it was just the cherry on top i guess you can say. Me and a good friend scheduled a hang out. She’s like family we do this all the time. I checked the day she was set to be coming and I realized that day I’d be a bit closer to the area she lives. In stead of her taking the train allll the way to me why not just go get her? Then she suggested taking the train to like a half way point which works perfect because it was only 20 mins from where I was gonna be. Same family member “no you’re not ready to drive over there is crazy” fair enough fits her car. But you get the point I don’t know what to say or how to express it in a way she’ll understndddd. I love and appreciate her a lot but when she does stuff like this, it makes me not want to be honest about my relationship life and sneak around. Which I also don’t want I’m a very honest girl and I don’t like hiding things. But jeez I feel smothered by HER fear of my getting hurt in a bad way. The sad reality is that nothing can stop bad things from happening. And more often those bad things happen not from strangers but people you thought were your friends. We can’t always control the world around us even if we’re being 100% safe that doesn’t guarantee safety. Like you can be a good and safe driver all it takes is one idiot on the road the cause a fatal accident. It’s grim but true I understand she scared. She always talking about how women are going missing. But if I hold onto that fear and live my life paranoid I’ll just end up single forever. I feel like I don’t have room to grow to be young and to make some mistakes. Of course I’m always cautious but I can’t let that turn into paranoia it’s not healthy! I feel like it’s starting to way on me and my mental state it’s not just her who has a strong opinion on my life so everything’s starting to get to me. Now I’m second guesssing if I even want the second date and idek if it’s because of my own personal feelings or because of this situation! Any advice on how to go about this? Also thank you for reading my long ass rant :)

Hey again, Moondoll. Sorry I haven't had time to respond to your last topic again. I need to catch up on everyone one of these days. But I have a little time here, and noticed and read this new topic, so I'll try to give feedback. Firstly, congrats on things with the guy you're dating. Is this the same person from your other topic? It's hard to say whether your family member is being too strict, or if they're smart to call for greater caution. I say this knowing after so many years just how crazy and uncertain the world and the people in it can be. Actually, it reminds me of an argument I've had all too often with my own family over the years. When it comes to big cities, they only see the downsides, and think of them as criminal havens where drugs are everywhere. ...Meanwhile, they are inconsiderate of the drugs and violence that can occur in remote and rural areas. That said, there is some truth to both statements. The city has pros and cons, and so does the country. I think the thing about asking for a copy of his ID might be a little extreme. I can't help but put myself in his position and feel awkward being asked that. But if he likes you enough he'll do it, I guess. Of course I couldn't blame him for saying no to that. Actually running out of time to respond right now, but I think you shpuld just explain to the guy where you're at with things, and that your family member is just extra careful about things and these are her terms. And see if he'll still agree to them.

I'm just going to bump this thread.

Me too....................

HEY GUYSSS so alots happened and i mean A LOT! This is a long one So he ended up contacting me again and we slowly picked things back up (don’t get too excited this story ends horribly) he was trying to schedule a date right away but I made him wait bc hello a week wit bought talking to me not even saying congrats after I graduated?? Anyways that brings me to this topic that’s related but also not really. I feel that I’m under so much pressure and people are always expecting me to do the right thing always bc I’m perceived as mature for my age. But in reality idk what the hell im doing especially with dating? I just want my family to understand I need like healthy room to grow and I know and understand their concerns! So yea we went out two days ago and it felt great (at first) he talked about wanting to exclusively date and take things to a serious level. I kept asking questions to make sure he was sure and what exactly he meant. I’m warning u guys this story is gonna go all over the place. But please be kind to me I already got an ear full (I’ll get to that in a bit) from the same family member and spent all of yesterday crying bc of her words. On the date we ended up making out again but this time things went a bit further… not like full out or anything but yeah! In the moment it felt okay. I don’t know how to explain and I feel insane for saying this. I wanted to to do that with him but not at that time I did feel like it was a bit too fast. And I’m currently beating myself up for doing that. After it all went down he looked nervous like 1000 thoughts were running thru his mind? All of a sudden doubling down on what he said before and basically spooking him self out again. We took the scenic route back to my house and talked about everything and I told him how him saying that after what just occurred give me the impression that he just wanted to use me he firmly said no it’s not like that! The day after my date I ended up confiding in my family member because I was feeling so much regret and I just really needed someone. She is super supportive of me and even tho she’s protective she still is there for me. Well… that made me feel worse! Now let me just say I didn’t expect to agree with what I did or endorse it but I did expect her reaction. She said some harsh things that honestly felt worst then the another dude disappointing me! She said that she was disappointed in me because I know better. And wow that really hurt she’s never said that to me ever! It didn’t stop there btw :/ mind you I already feel like crap when all this is being said I just stood there and completely broke down. You know I thought after I graduated college I’d stop having breakdowns apparently not 🙄! She then goes on and tries to blame my outfit for things getting out of hand?? And said I should’ve expected that? A dress guys I wore a simple cute dress! I’m a curvy girl, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but my figure stands out in most clothes I own I can’t really hide it. Then said “if u can’t control the narrative you shouldn’t be in a relationship” and idk that just put a bad taste in my mouth. Gave the same vibe as ppl always finding a way to victim blame. Like what does that even mean? So if someone gets taken advantage or manipulated they don’t deserve a relationship and shouldn’t be in one? While i acknowledge I need to learn how to be more firm with my boundaries and have to unlearn ppl pleasing behaviors I picked up very young, I feel like it’s a hurtful thing to say I shouldn’t date. At least saying in that way was really hurtful it was really how she said it all. But there was something she said that felt like a knife being stabbed into my back. “And you were talking about how guys over sexualize you but like how your dressing and your doing desperate things” ouch… never had a bf but with my little experience with dudes I have always been over sexualized even from a young age bc of my figure. And for her to bring that up felt horrible. Almost felt like I deserved it for being so stupid all the time. She wants to talk about it some more tomorrow but what else is there to say she’s already tore me down real bad. I was already judging my self I didn’t need her to judge me as well. I just wanted someone to listen I just wanted to feel seen. She also said she DEMANDS answers when we talk and she doesn’t want to hear idk. But if I’m being honest idk why I did it. I just know I regretted it after. I feel like there’s a lot to unpack here with this situation more then I’m probs ready to unpack but hey. Everyone has dumb mistakes they made when they were young unfortunately this is mine and it could’ve been wayyy worse tbh. I wish I didn’t tell her bc now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells at home. Finally…remember how I said this story has a Shitty ending?? Well here we go. As I’m writing this at 4am where I live this happened 45 mins ago. So u guys r getting fresh news lol. Tbh even before our date, I was having conflicting feelings about him. I wasn’t quite sure what my intuition was saying. I felt like I needed a second date with him to really see what was up, not just with him, but also in my own mind, I thought if he pulls that shit again then he’s showing that this is a pattern not a one time fluke. I don’t know how crazy/daring this makes me sound, but I was ready to be let down? Like 50/50 typa thing. I just needed more info tbh. After the date he was still kinda here and there not really saying what he wanted to. And I encountered a familiar story one I’m wayyyy to familiar with with guys not ready for full commitment but their own selfishness kicks in and they still want to keep me to themselves? He tried negotiating anyway he could to just keep me in his life. But I’m not one for settling for half ass answers I took a day to my self and a few mins ago I texted him. Needed clarification and directness! He ended up calling me and we chatted for like 20 mins he explain how he really isn’t ready is life isn’t in the right place. And listen, who am I to judge? I just don’t like the fact you promised me something and immediately went back on it. And didn’t discuss these things beforehand. He explained what was going on with him I do actually believe him and I do believe he was gen interested. But at the end of the day explaining things doesn’t justify things like I understand what you’re saying, but that doesn’t make it OK. He tried to console me which Is like so annoying. The vibe of the call was very heavy on both ends. Can’t describe how that felt. At the end of the call he said goodnight but I said goodbye. It’s over Even though I’m filled with a lot of regret right now and I’m coping with some things I’m glad i went on the date. I think I needed to or else things woulda dragged out. Unfortunately sometimes in life there’s lessons we gotta learn the hard way. And that was mine. If anything I felt more sad about what my family member said. I actually didn’t cry until I heard her words. The situation with the boy didn’t make me feel sad at all it was just kinda like ok that sucks but what can u do? But I’m very nervous for this convo current 5am now I can’t sleep my mind is running with thought so I thought I might as well update u all here since I have a racy mind. Wish me luck for this convo I will need it idk if I can take anymore harsh words tbh my mental is so weak at the moment so I just hope she’s not as harsh. I’ll probs update you on how the convo went but thanks for reading <3

Hi again, Moondoll. I don't have a lot of time to respond, but I did read through your post (albeit, kind of quickly) and wanted to give some thoughts. Firstly, the way you dressed doesn't sound like it had a lot to do with anything. A dress is fine. And I don't have time to speak out on it, but pretty much "she was asking for it" has been a longstanding bullshit stance. Secondly, sometimes you will feel kind of shameful after touchy or sexual encounters with other people, especially if it's someone you don't know real well. It doesn't necessarily mean that the person was a bad person, or that they were a bad match for you, or that you are lousy in any way. ...People have needs, wants and curiosities. Maybe a part of you was ready to explore that intimacy with someone else. But the main point is, family means well, but you don't have to take everything they say as the guidebook of life. Everyone has their own perspectives and opinions, and they will have some biases. My family has given me some advice over the years that I'm glad I didn't take. It proved that I can make my own decisions and that I'm my own person. They have also given me some good advice, and I do appreciate it. It is possible for the advice to be both things at the same time - advice that was good and that you didn't take. It can be given to you for the wrong reasons, but it still can hold true. You move on, you live life and grow. And don't feel too down about this.