How to be confident despite not being respected by women/coworkers?

I am a 29 year old man. I live in Europe.I am not a confident guy and I am quiet and shy. I first act, then get the result of my actions and after I have done it I get confident I can do something. Some people believe they will achieve things even before they have a plan of action. They talk about how they will do this and that while I just keep silent and work. I feel like people don't respect me. Recently my boss didn't give me a raise citing my not working that hard despite saying I am doing a great job repeatedly in the last 2 months. This made me feel crushed as my previous boss raised my salary two years in a row. The issue is that this new boss is not technical and can't evaluate the effort I put in and I am too afraid to tell her - hey I am working more hours (honestly I am) for the same paycheck which inflation eats like candy. The issue is not that I am paid a lot but that UNTIL now 99% of my confidence came from my above average salary which if not raised will become average. This is the only thing that kept me from not feeling like a failure despite me being objectively good at my job and being educated in one of the top universities and speaking a few foreign languages while most of my coworkers struggle with English. Also a lot of my colleagues are the same age as my parents (literally I am the youngest of 45 people) and don't take me seriously despite being an expert in a specific field noone of whom understand. There are some job requirements which are common for me and for them but for others that I understand pretty well all of them are out of depth as unlikely as that may seem they being older and more experienced than me. Also there is the issue of not getting dates and honestly believing women see me as a pussy. I do think my shy nature and hunched posture makes it unimaginable for women to think of me as an object of desire. I don't think there is a woman out there who want to be like a guy of average height and looking like Christian Bale in Rescue Dawn (fortunately not as skinny as him in the Machinist) and not as facially attractive but my struggle to get my calories despite waking early to get a protein shake to do that is a whole another struggle. So, what to do. How to I not care that I will not get paid more in my job ideally without leaving and that women don't want to sleep with me?

An unfortunate thing I've noticed in the workforce is that it's wrong to discriminate against someone for being too old, but not for being too young. At least here in the States that's a thing. I get that authority is important to respect, but quite a lot of older workers like to look down on the younger generations and actively criticize them for everything going wrong in the workplace and the world. But there's not much that can be done about it. Older workers usually have more work experience and seniority, and that counts for something. Even if they might not be as well-educated or technologically-trained as their younger coworkers. It sounds like this is a newer job for you. What I've found is that generally your early months/years at any job suck. It's only after you've been there a while, proven yourself, and shown that you're not going anywhere that they maybe begin to start giving you more respect. I'm not sure why it's that way. Everyone thinks you need to prove yourself to them, even if you've done it a hundred times over already. Mostly, I think they're just scared of becoming obsolete, or being exposed for not really being as great at their job/as good of a person as they project on a typical day. Women in positions of power can have pros and cons, just like with men. I think if you can stand back and take a good look at things, you'll see some sort of bias no matter who is in charge. Maybe some leaders and coworkers are more bearable than others. Maybe your boss also has a lot of positive traits that you're overlooking right now, also. The important thing is to try to not be too biased, yourself. I would also not walk into any job and expect raises, especially not with the uncertain world we live in. Instead, try to find a job that pays some rate/salary that you can afford to live on for now and for the foreseeable future. Anything more is great, but don't feel entitled to it. Caring is good and nice, but caring too much about what other people think can be a turn-off for some people, too, I think. Whenever you don't care what other people think and can be yourself and live your life accepting yourself for who you are, I think people can respect that more than if you're constantly trying to win people over. I don't know 100% why it's like that, but whatever. I say this as someone who kind of does a little of both. I think as you get older, you just get tired of trying your hardest to make some difference or take some initiative with other people, and just don't even have the energy or "effs" to give to worthless causes. Most people aren't really worth trying to earn the acceptance or approval of, full stop. Most people are, to borrow a quote from the TV show Scrubs, "Bastard-coated bastards, with bastard-filling." And hey, as long as you are doing your job and making that money and paying those bills, that's all that really matters, anyway. On the subject of women/dating/relationships/sex... I guess it's kind of the same deal, actually. You'll get tired of trying to jump through hoops and prove yourself to these ungrateful and big-headed women. You'll go on dates that go nowhere, you'll get turned down, you'll be rejected, and while you'll be able to accept that most things didn't work out for the best, you'll grow bitter about all of it. Eventually you'll stop trying to be your best self because it's just not enough for entitled people, and you'll grow comfortable in your own skin. And maybe, just maybe, if you are still a decent enough person after that point then you'll find a woman you can tolerate and who accepts you for who you are. Did not intend for this post to get so negative, but I think it's accurate. Be you, do what you do, and in time maybe you'll get that respect you deserve.

Hey Pushupmaster98, I’ve been thinking about your post for a few days now and finally found the time and headspace to respond properly. So first of all, especially the part about your confidence being tied to your salary stuck out to me. I think a lot of people feel that way, whether they admit it or not. The way you described it – “99% of my confidence comes from my above-average salary” – made me pause, though. Not because I’m judging you, but because it sounds like your entire sense of self-worth is built on this one fragile foundation. That’s dangerous. It means every fluctuation – a new boss, inflation, not getting a raise – threatens your identity. That might be the real issue here: not just the paycheck, but what it symbolizes to you. Your value as a person can’t come down to a number on a slip of paper. And if you feel like that’s all you’ve got right now – then maybe it’s time to work on building other parts of yourself up too. You also mentioned being the youngest at work and not feeling respected because of that. That sucks. And age bias is real. But I didn’t read anything that showed your colleagues were actively undermining you. Is it possible that you are assuming they don’t take you seriously, and so you hold yourself back from speaking up? You said you're an expert in a field that none of them understand – but do you allow yourself to own that expertise? Or are you waiting for external validation before you feel allowed to step into your role fully? I don’t say this to lecture you. But maybe, instead of looking for a way to stop feeling bad about all this, you need the courage to feel it – and act anyway. Not from a place of proving yourself to others, but to yourself. As for the dating part – I’ll be honest: that last line of your post really threw me. “How do I not care that women don’t want to sleep with me?” That’s a heavy one. And it also kind of sounds like you're skipping over the part where you build emotional connection, shared values, attraction… and jump straight to sex as the goal. I get it – rejection stings. Feeling unwanted hurts. And if you already struggle with self-worth, dating can become a brutal mirror. But here's the thing: intimacy – genuine, mutual intimacy – doesn’t start with "How do I make someone want to sleep with me?" It starts with "How do I become someone I respect, and how do I connect with people who see that?" Average height? Shy posture? None of that is a dealbreaker for most women. What is a dealbreaker, though, is if someone has no real confidence of their own, or sees women as a source of validation rather than human beings to relate to. I also read Balance’s reply – there are some parts I agree with. Especially that age-based respect often has to be earned backwards – even when it shouldn’t. And yes, it can take time to feel seen at a new job. But I also felt a lot of bitterness in that response, particularly in the way women and dating were framed. It came across like “you’ll eventually stop trying and settle for someone you can tolerate” – and honestly? That’s a pretty dark drawn view of dating/ relationships. You don’t have to settle. Not in your career, not in your connections. And you definitely don’t have to give up on being someone who cares. The trick is learning where to place that care – and where it’s being drained instead of returned. I really hope this doesn’t sound preachy. I’m not writing this because I think I know better. I’m writing it because I think I recognize some of your patterns – and I know how heavy that kind of inner narrative can become. You deserve more than a life of “not caring” and white-knuckling through the days. If nothing else, maybe let this be your 1%: the part of you that questions whether your worth might be bigger than your salary or someone else’s desire. That part is worth listening to.