Not getting what I need from my relationship

I’ve been in a relationship with this man for eight years. We have three kids together and still are not married nor engaged. He cheated on me three times and has always messaged other women inappropriately. Didn’t matter that I was pregnant either. He drinks every single day and stays up till 5-7a.m. Recently he has said that he no longer has the desire to message other women, and it’s going on three months now that he from my understanding has not acted out. He thinks that because it’s only been three months that he should get some sort of praise for not doing anything for what “90” days even though I dealt with it for eight years. I’ve told him that it will take time for me to build trust because I’m emotionally damaged from all his actions. And he didn’t have to deal with that so he doesn’t get it. I didn’t go out and cheat on him or find myself entertaining other men. He’s about to come into a large amount of money and I’ve expressed that I don’t expect or want anything I just want him to be the man that I need him to be. And it’s always I’m trying or I’m working on it. I’m a simple women to please, I don’t ask for jewels and shopping sprees. I ask him to go to church with me on Sunday mornings, to have coffee with me and be there in the mornings with the kids and I. But he chooses his drinking and staying up late playing video games and talking to his “friends”. I’m turning 31 this year and I feel so completely lost and just stuck. Why can’t he be the man I need him to be? Why is it so hard to go to church one day out of the week? Why is it so hard to be there for your family instead of staying up all night and waking up at 5p.m. Our smallest is 8months and I’m really thinking about just starting over. I have nothing, no money, no car, no shelter. If I leave I leave with nothing and just my kids and our belongings. I just want to be loved. He walks around on his phone when he is awake and hardly listens to what I’m saying when I do talk. Only wants to talk about politics and football. I feel like I’m not important that what I like doesn’t matter. We don’t even sleep in the same bed because he stays up too late that when he goes to sleep I’m already fixing to get up so he passes out in his studio room on a twin bed. I want to wake up with my partner and drink coffee together while I make breakfast and he plays with the kids. Spend time talking about similar interests and being told how I’m beautiful and loves me vise versa. I cook meals from scratch regularly, clean, take care of my babies and pull my weight as a stay at home mom. But I feel like because I stay at home he feels like he can do whatever for giving me that. He’s thrown the fact that he pays the bills in my face so many times. I’ve prayed and prayed and I don’t understand anything anymore. I just feel like I’m burnt out and I seem like I’ve reached a point where I don’t care how I make him feel anymore. Because he isn’t trying to make me happy or even try to meet me at my basic needs. I don’t get money to go out and buy me new clothes and shoes. Only thing he covers is the bills. His mom helps me with money to buy clothes for the kids and shoes. My life isn’t supposed to be like this, and I know “well you choose him” I also thought he would man up. What do I do? It’s always easier said than done. I’ve stuck by him through allot but what is my loyalty worth to a man who doesn’t have the desire to grow up and be a real man?

Your loyalty is worth bugger all to this guy. If you just want to be loved which means you want to be respected, then you're not going to find it where you are. He's not going to man up & he's not going to change & you're wasting any time trying to change him or even thinking about it. Apologies, but he's not interested in waking up with you & planning your day together etc as his priorities are elsewhere. Even though you're turning 31, you still have a whole life ahead of you. You need to understand that you don't have to share it with a no hoper because sooner or later, things will come to ahead & you'll find yourself alone. You need to set boundaries & understand that you don't have to live like you are. Your kids need you to be happy & secure for them to be the same & so you have some major decisions to make. Your man & his actions tell you that he's no father figure for your kids & where does his mother stand in all this after she buys clothes & shoes for her grandkids? what does she think of her 'man child' son? Your church may be able to assist you with support etc. but the way you post, the sooner you make a positive move, the sooner you get away from a negative relationship. You come across as a competent, caring person & a loving & competent mother who needs to stay strong wile you sort your life out...& it's OK, you can stay where you are if you think that's the easiest & safest way for you & your kids given the circumstances. It won't be easy starting again if you decide to do that, but it's what you may well have to do to find the happiness you deserve.

Please excuse-me briefly, Forgiving*Friend - I just need a quick word with "M'Colleagues"... To Manalone and Balance (and any regular visitors/thread-owners) (and the next-door-neighbour's cat), Heya! Just a quickie to apologise to you guys, and other helpers, for my recent no-show (when WAS it - I can't even recall!), but lately, for the last fortnight, really, it's been Hell-on-a-stick. Not even the nights offer respite now, meaning I have only 4-6 useable hours/day (and my landscaping contractors are working evenings as well)...And the amount I've sweated, I think I've solved all of Cambodia's problems! Everything is a supreme effort, taking three times as long - and mistakes are meanwhile happening all over the place (contractors) - because the heat is turning our brains to mush! I'm not even sure this is coherent but, here's hoping? Anyhoo - doesn't sound like much, probably, but Friday onwards is going to be about 2-3 degrees cooler (AND - specifically/vitally - less humid, PRAISE DEE LAWD!) so...I'll just have to make it up to you guys and let you take a rest if you need to. ....My wocks, you guys are... My wocks. :) ...especially cos you're bolder than most. ('Boulder' - get it? :D) (Still got my SOH - not dead quite yet, haha.) How are you two each? (is that English?) PS: Mannie, you need your own thread so we three can kermyoonikate. (Thanks Forgiving*Friend :))

Hey Forgiving Friend, So in regards to the church thing, I think that's a bit silly because your husband might not have the same beliefs as you. Maybe the church and your faith is important to you, but there's no guarantee that it's something your partner will share. Years ago there was this Catholic woman I had a thing for, and I think I was interested in her enough that I would have gone to church with her for her, since that was a big part of her life. Now, realistically, I can't say that I would have actually liked going to church with her, or that I wouldn't have wanted to just gouge out my eyes and ears after attending for a while, but it is something I was willing to do at the time. In the years since that crush I've grown. I don't honestly think I would do that for anyone anymore, because I know who I am and I wouldn't change for anyone. If a woman is that religious and that is something that's important to her, I would realize that we probably just aren't ever going to be compatible as a couple. ...And that leads into the big revelation here, that you and your partner don't seem compatible. If you get into a relationship thinking, "I can change him!", well that's wrong. You should want to be with someone for who they are, and not who they can become. I'm a little biased because I can identify more with your husband. And look, it honestly sucks whenever you are bringing in most of the income and paying most of the bills, and have nothing left over to show for it. I'm sure he'd love to have extra money left over, but unfortunately one person's income can barely cover the bills for two people, let alone a family. The whole concept of the working husband who provides for his family is kind of dated and in modern society usually both partners have to do an equal share of working (and parenting) to be able to afford a comfortable life together. I'm also not trying to say that your parenting, and cooking, and cleaning, and everything you've been doing at home is worthless, because it's not! But it isn't a replacement for a job and a steady income. I appreciate my girlfriend and all she does for me, but I would much rather she has a full-time job and contributes to the bills. Anytime she gets money, it just about all goes to groceries. And that's fine, I appreciate it. But on two full-time incomes we should both be able to afford bills and groceries and have some left over. That has not been the case so far, and part of it is because we're living the life she chose and not the life I want. To have your significant other going to work full-time and then to expect their undivided attention when they come home is a bit much. Not everyone can do that. I need more alone time away from my partner and feel smothered by her constantly, probably will feel that way until her new job starts up. Also, if he wants to unwind and play games, or talk football or have interests outside of work and being a husband and father, that should be okay, too. ...As long as he is being a husband and father, I suppose. Is he a good father to your kids? That counts for a lot, if he is, I'd say. Maybe you could benefit from finding some "couples' time" each week, and go out on a date or do something together. Sometimes that's what you need to help reconnect. Finding something you can both enjoy, that's what's up. Who knows, maybe there are some video games you would enjoy playing with your husband, or sporting events you would enjoy watching with him? And, maybe in turn, you could convince him to devote some of his time to coffee dates or the church, or something you can both agree on.

@Soul - It's all good. I haven't been around so much this past week, so I'm trying to play catch-up here again. We're holding down the fort alright. I don't think it's all just obligation to be here, I think we come here because we want to come here. Just, whenever we have the time, energy and desire to. It's in our blood, and we enjoy listening to, thinking about, and helping people figure out their problems. But, after so long I think the urge to want to make others be heard and to try to help them with their lingering questions returns, and we come back out of some sense of duty as well. Rock and Roll. 8-)

Roger that, Bal! ********************************** Ooh, I sayyyy, Mannie...I do like your banner colour....Gold-Green... It's French...Chartreuse Green... I've got a big, velvet cushion in the same colour. Nnnnoice! I'm finding myself staring at it. ("Ommmm.....")

Forgiving Friend, "If I leave I leave with nothing and just my kids and our belongings" Says who? HIM? Arrange a free initial consultation with a solicitor to know where you ACTUALLY stand. Malignant Narcs (*OH, yes) aka kids-in-Grown-Up-suits are well-known for making an unmarried partner feel that to leave him would leave her with nothing. Because then she'll be too fearful to leave. * You'll find him in Sandra M. Brown's bestseller, 'How To Identify a Dangerous Man (Before You Get Involved)'. If I recall correctly, she labels this type/these characteristics as the Mama's Boy. And explains HOW such a seemingly passive and/or innocuous, albeit socially-romantically inept, type can be just as dangerous to your psyche and wellbeing as your full-blown/overt wife-beater. "he pays the bills" Rah-rah him - someone give him a sodding medal. (Talk about Superiority Complex, Over-Entitled and Devaluing!...UGH!) Your life is sh*t because you're with this disgusting specimen, this Anti-Husband/Father Of The Year. Be without him and your life will cease being sh*t. Because your quality of life all depends on how you FEEL. And you feel like sh*t. Plus, legally-speaking, it helps that he's been Financially Abusing you too. ...INCLUDING that (ref "His mom helps me with money to buy clothes for the kids and shoes"), NO, HE DOES *NOT* 'PAY THE BILLS'. So, in summary, it's, 'All he does is 'pay the bills' but he doesn't even do THAT properly!'. Google 'Ways in which Malignant Narcissistic husbands (or boyfriends) abuse their wives (partners)'. Pay attention to Financial Spousal Abuse. Do you need help getting unglued and safely out?

PS: Stop feeling helpless and 'stripped clean'...you've been brainwashed into feeling that way *despite* INDISPUTABLE, CONCRETE EVIDENCE shows that you are no such thing. You, Madam, are a powerhouse. Me? With everything else on-top like you've got - I'd have snapped and beaten him to death with the frying-pan LONG before now! If we can take that incredible strength, endurance, patience (woah!) and tenacity of yours (which Narcs know how to convert into weaknesses) and reorientate it, whilst turning his 'strengths' into weaknesses, then - he wouldn't stand a snowflake's chance in Hell of coming out financially the winner! Not against you. He's a WIMP compared to you! It's like anything...easy when you know how (or know someone who can teach you how). He's disgusting. For a minute there I had to double-check that you weren't complaining about a delinquent teenage boy! Nuff said. Ready for a Grown-Up one, eh? :)

...After all, you now know exactly-factly what things (thingZZZZZ) you DON'T want in a partner! Incredibly useful, that one. Oh and PS - I also agree with Mannie on this: 31? Thirty-one..... ....OMG, I remember Only 31. Imagine if you were 41. Or 51. Or god forbid - 61! 31 is PERFECT for this job!

PS: "-I don’t get money to go out and buy me new clothes and shoes." Google something like, "Ways in which Malignant Narcissistic husbands isolate their wives". Ensuring you have barely anything decent to wear is part of the "Narcissistic Husband's Isolation Campaign". There's a joke about it (in the industry) which goes... Wife to Narc Husband: I was wondering if I could have some money to buy a dress for the party we're going to this weekend, please? Husband: What are you talking about! You've got a PERFECTLY good dress upstairs in your wardrobe that I bought you! Wife: Yes, but, the trouble is,... the veil has ripped. (Ha-bloody-ha)

PPS: Probably, in your position, the Family Court (whom despise anyone anti-social/Uanti-family) would adjust for the financial abuse by awarding a generous child support allowance per-child. (Where there's a will there's a way.)