How to care for disabled mother who is technically still married

Hi. I am new here but could really use some advice. I feel like I have a unique situation and don't know who to ask for an outside opinion or resources. I honestly don't know what category to list this as. My mom, who is in her late 50s, is unable to take care of herself following decades as an alcoholic. About 1.5 years ago my sibling and I were increasingly concerned for her health. We went to her house which is hours away from us and forced her against her will to go to the emergency room. Even when she was very ill with brain inflammation and malnutrition and could only see out of one eye, she claimed she was fine and did not want help. She has many different doctors appointments every week and does not have a good understanding of current events or why we are making her go to the doctor. For the past 1.5 years she has been taken care of my myself and my siblings. She has brain damage and symptoms akin to Wernicke Korsakoff syndrome, and will likely not improve significantly. She has also developed a fear of falling down, which her psychiatrist says is somatoform disorder, and as such she truly believes she cannot walk. She had many other health issues related to her disinterest in eating, which are mostly resolved, but her memory doctor and neurologist have been clear that she should never live alone or drive. She has no interest in eating bathing or doing much of anything and has short term memory problems. I am recently married in my mid 20's with two siblings in the same age range. None of us have a lot of money at all and we do not have power of attorney or anything over our mom. Our mom and dad are still married, though they lived apart for 5+ years prior to our mom's inability to care for herself. Once we got her admitted to the hospital 1.5 years ago and she was well enough to come home, she moved into my dad's house and my sibling moved back in as well to help care for her, as none of us have houses of our own. My mom and dad don't get along super well, which my mom does not really remember. They still have shared bank accounts and health insurance, and she continues to stay at his house, but other than that he does nothing at all to care for or support her, and says he wants her to get back on her feet so she can move out and live on her own again, which we have told him the doctors have said should not be allowed to happen. I think he initially let her move in incorrectly assuming she would make a miraculous recovery and move out within the year. So my question is, what should we do? My siblings and I are exhausted and financially strained trying to make our mom eat and shower and use the bathroom and go to all her doctor's appointments. We love and care for her, but it is difficult to have to care for someone 24/7 who growing up was very abusive, and now just wants to drink sweet tea and do nothing all day, and who is still unable to walk and continues to lose weight. She has not had a job in probably 15 years, so I don't think she could get social security or any sort of disability assistance, and she is married to our dad who works, so I don't think she could get medicaid/medicare assistance. My dad does not like to talk about this and when we have asked him to help financially with getting a nurse or additional physical therapy that insurance does not cover, he says no, or claims he will help and we still end up paying. Myself and my siblings and spouse cannot afford to hire someone to come daily to help out or to have her live in an assisted facility. My siblings are especially upset because they feel trapped living with her and caring for her and having no money with no foreseeable way out. I think we all feel dejected like we never got a chance to start our own lives and now may have to spend 30+ years taking almost constant care of someone who needs but does not want our help. Also, my siblings pay rent and buy groceries while living at our dad's house, as well as their own student loans, so they aren't saving money that way either, but they can't afford an apartment accessible enough to live in with our mom, and all of us have pets. I have offered for my mom to live with me, but I have stairs and live further from them and from her doctors. What would you do in this type of situation? Have you had this type of experience? Do you know of any resources or people to talk to for help on this? I tried seeing if a counselor or someone could sit with my siblings and I as a sort or expert and tell us what to do but have not found anyone with experience in this topic or willingness to give us advice.

Wow, well that is a doozy, Worriedgirl. I am sorry for your situation and your mom's illnesses and bad habits. I don't have the best advice to give you, but I can drop my ten cents in. I think the unfortunate thing here is how your mom's situation hinders you, your dad, your spouse and your siblings. If it didn't, there wouldn't be an issue here. I honestly couldn't blame your mom for wanting to drink herself to death, if that's how she wants to go out, but you and the other people in your family shouldn't have to pay for it, or deal with the emotional and financial consequences of it. She probably needs to go to some kind of assisted-living facility, or something. Or if she can drink in moderation and try to hold some sort of job, then maybe you can talk about alternatives. Maybe that's how you can pose it to her: give her an ultimatum. Either she meets you all halfway and tries to take better care of herself, or else you'll have no choice but to send her away to some facility.

Your parents are still married & it's about time your dad stepped up to the plate. He's half way there by having her under his roof even though she's oblivious to most things as you post. As they still share bank accounts etc, regardless of your mum's 5 years absence, he's either in it or he's not. He either steps up & divorces her so she can claim some additional care because of her personal circumstances or pays for the care himself. Your dad could well be at wits end or just had a gutful of it all, but in any event, he needs to make decisions for the good of all of the family. Put your foot down & negotiate with him if you can, as your mum is seriously ill & does need 24hr care. You post that you're not sure about disability assistance etc etc, but you need to make those enquiries as it's helping your mum which is your main concern. You talk about your mum's alcoholism & it's ripples which affect the entire family as you found out growing up, but you don't need it to wreck your own adult lives trying to help her. Yes, you're a genuine person who cares, she is your mum; but it's backed you into a corner. The thing you need to look at for is looking after your mum & then having it affect your own mental health & your wellbeing. You're no good to anyone, let alone yourself if you fall over trying to keep your mum cared for. I'm speaking from personal experience where I helped an alcoholic friend who basically had alcoholic dementia & couldn't manage his personal affairs. I was his POA as his family wouldn't have a bar of him as he was an obnoxious individual who drank himself silly for most of his 55 years. He had no sense of personal hygiene or any interest in eating. It did my head in caring for him 7 days a week & he did have some medical care which stopped as he was too abusive towards the staff. I ended up realising that even though we respected each other, I was basically shackled to him, but nothing I did really assisted him as he was too far gone to help himself. In the end, I had to walk away. Your situation is different & I'm not sure where you guys are, but if your mum lived in my country, she would qualify for part or full 24/7 individual care paid for by the taxpayer regardless of how she got where she is. You need to take your thoughts further & understand that in your case, there's only so much you guys can do & that you have to weigh it up so that what you do achieve, benefits everyone involved. Good Luck