Am I in the wrong?

I'm looking for opinions as to an incident that occurred over the weekend and the aftermath and to question did I handle it incorrectly? On Saturday night myself and my husband were on a night out with our mutual friends a guy and a girl they aren't a couple although the guy likes her. Halfway through the night I witness our friends dancing and the guy go to grab her throat she pushed him away and looked to have handled the situation. I went to the ladies and when I returned my friend was speaking to another girl who had come to check on her as she had witnessed what happened. I said I saw it happen to which she said it happened a few more times when I was in the bathroom. She had said stop and had even mentioned it triggered her as she had a nasty past incident with an ex and he still did it. I was appalled and asked how she was to which she laughed it off and said they spoke and squashed it. It could have been left there but I thought it was a serious issue it happened multiple times even when he was told stop and that it triggered her. We are all due to go to a festival shortly and had my concerns. My husband said I should drop it as they had spoke and sorted it but I wanted to address it and defend my friend and didn't want to do it on the night where drinks are had and emotions heightened. My husband called him this evening and I spoke to him and calmly explained that I was shocked this happened and he did that to her. He said they had spoken and he apologised but it's not like he squeezed her throat. I said you shouln't be doing it anyway and why did you keep doing it when she said stop to which he responded I thought she was joking and didn't mean it. I said it shouldn't have happened I was shocked to witness it as it triggered me to a past incident and wanted to ensure it didn't happen again. I said we are due to go to a festival together maybe you could watch the drinking to which he responded he wouldn't monitor the drinking as it won't happen again and he doesn't want to stop being himself. We left it there I left the room and my husband spoke to him and finished the call. My husband came into room and said our friend is selling his ticket as he doesn't feel comfortable and feels judged. My husband is annoyed and angry and wants to sell his ticket as he feels he doesn't want to go now that his friend isn't going. He feels I should have stayed out of it as it wasn't my business as the 2 of them had squashed it. I saw it as defending my friend and trying to ensure it wasn't repeated. Should I have left it alone?

This is just an opinion but your husband has called it correctly. You need to stay out of other people's 'tiffs' especially if there's alcohol involved. You don't know your friend's business with this guy or their history, only what you've been told. It's none of your business what this other guy drinks when or where or how much or how it effects him or his behaviour. Rather, you owe it to yourself to stay clear of him if you don't agree with his actions whether he has been drinking & is emotional or he's just had a plain bad day. It's your fiend's business & her business only, unless she asks for advice, who she knocks around with & how she handles a situation where someone lays a hand on her. She gets to choose how she reacts & if & when she needs help with it. If she wants to hang around with guys who have the need to lay a hand on a woman, regardless of the circumstances, then that's her look out & not yours. Yeah it's all good to go in & defend your friend against some obnoxious fool, but you should always be careful of what you wish for.

Hey TimeforWords, I'm a little mixed on the issue. I think I agree with the part of Manalone's advice about it being your friend's business, and her choice how she chooses to handle it. I can't say for sure if you went about it the right way or not, but I don't think your heart was in the wrong place at all. (Usually I agree more with Manalone's advice, but I find myself differing in opinion on the matter.) At the same time, it sounds like this guy is unwilling to watch his drinking after he kept grabbing at this chick's throat, (Why did he do that, by the way? He likes her, right?? Was it like this weird, sexual choking thing???) so he has every intention of just continuing to do whatever he wants. He also minimized his actions by saying, "It's not like I squeezed her throat." Well, what was he doing, then?? "I thought she was joking." Okay, maybe, but usually no means no. Didn't we just go through a whole freaking decade of discussions about this kind of stuff? The guy acted like an ass, so he is going to be judged. There are repercussions to bad actions. That said, it sounds like he is making the right move by selling his ticket and removing himself from the situation. If I screwed up an embarrassed myself like that when I was drunk, I would think it's for the best to not tag along to some festival where the girl I kept touching is going to also be going. Then again, I think I'd also want to monitor my alcohol consumption so as not to repeat the situation. Or, at least just go back to my hotel room after a few drinks and proceed to drink there instead of doing it in public. Sounds like he has no intention of changing anything, which means this situation could repeat. You were probably right to intervene.

Usually, when a guy goes for a girl's throat - whether for-real or just the motion - it's because they're a Narcissistic Sociopath (NPD + AsPD). It's recognised as a serious danger sign. Put it this way: in every case where the woman was killed by her sociopathic 'partner', the throat-grabbing was reliably a pre-cursor. May I remind everyone of the recent, "Aw, mate...?" campaign and, before that, the photo in every newspaper of Charles Saatchi with his hand around Nigella Lawson's throat.....IN PUBLIC. (Basically, they hate you so much and want you burned like the 'walking, damning piece of evidence' you now, newly represent - which is because they can tell you're waking-up to them and, either, (a) to what they really are or (b) are simply starting to stand-up for yourself, which means you could enlighten everyone else they know about their behaviour or, worse, their TRUE nature) (OTT Controller + Bully), and, because a Sociopath is a social parasite/secret gigalo as relies on having a "slave" to actually *provide* for them, practically and financially, this means they have more than just their ego/pride to protect....ERGO, the saying goes - Narcissistic Sociopaths don't end relationships, they end their partner. He's clearly - CRYSTAL CLEARLY! - dangerous. AND atrociously arrogant. And look at how he's trying to turn the situation round (google "Narcissist - DARVO" and "Narcissist - stealing the victim cloak (or 'role')". Feels judged.........PFF! Feels at threat of exposure because you won't swallow his crap and see RIGHT through him! She bears the hallmark of a narc-abuse-victim version of Stockholm Syndrome ("How Narcissistic Trauma Bonding and Intermittent Reinforement works on the victim").... 'Awwww, he's not that baaaad....yoou know meeen....he's just a bit hot-headed at tiiimes, that's aalll'. (Yeah, luv, we'll engrave that on your gravestone, shall we?). You are completely and utterly correct to have responded as you have done. It's called, Morally and Socially Responsible, aka a real adult (who's obviously surrounded by kids - some harmless, some downright evil). I mean - IS HE KIDDING US? Society has been rightfully banging on and ON for more than a decade about this and about throttling or the throttling gesture - AND YET HE DOES IT IN-FRONT OF A WHOLE VENUE OF PEOPLE????? Yes. Because he was drunk. Too drunk to keep up the "I'm just a regular, decent, moral, upstanding Nice Guy" act. Put it this way: How many times have you seen depicted on telly or whatever, the guy who's completely blathered and yet all the chemically-stripped inhibitions make HIM do is this!..... "I....I...LLLOVE you, I djooo....No, rea(hic!)lly - you're the BESHT!" Huh? .....*What lies beneath*. (No thanks.) ...But as he's on-alert to you, I would now go underground. Start collecting an evidence table, as such. Either for her or for the Police (you are allowed to report incidents that 'don't concern you' but do if you're a decent citizen...and anyway, I fail to see how they don't if the victim concerned is your friend...or just someone who's being bullied/aggressed and manhandled like that (for which there isn't EVER an excuse!). Back to undercover: The FIRST thing I would do (if you're in the UK?...otherwise it's whatever equivalent) is phone his nearest Police Headquarters and, citing Sara's Law, ask for them to search for all and any information on this guy - whether he he has any convictions OR has merely appeared on their radar's grey area too many times in the past to be healthy....Whether he's dodgy or, indeed, has a history of such reports by female partners/exes. Here's a piece of evidence you can back-up with web-article extracts for her: "...when I was in the bathroom. She had said stop and had even mentioned it triggered her as she had a nasty past incident with an ex and he still did it." Yes. Because as a Narc-Spath - but still a Narc - when you identify sore nerves or worse, still-healing wound-sites to them, they note it down as a future target of attack or torture (- "Anything you say to a Narc *will* be taken down and used against you (at some point)"). This (er) guy is ticking a hell of a lot of criteria boxes, that's for-sure. And that's even WITHOUT this biggest, most disturbing Red Flag- no, FLASHING LIGHT out (not least for daring to be Overt about it!) (albeit they have too little control when sober, too). I don't care HOW drunk he was or was pretending to be (oh, yes - they indeed do) - his lack of care regarding witnesses AND WHAT they were witnessing is another hallmark exclusive to a Sociopath with Narcissism: NO.....SHAME. No shame, no embarrassment (just two more hallmarks - attempted justifications and minimising, as Balance pointed-out) (well done, mate!)...and the chutzpah to try to make you out now as the baddie. ("Narcissists want you to believe that your REACTION to their abuse is the problem, rather than their abuse itself") (tick, tick, tick, tick, tickety-tick, time to call Matron). What this episode has brought to light, however, is that, you potentially have a bigger problem (or a disappointing revelation - either-or); you realise that? Tell your husband I said - 'GIANT KUDOS - GIMMIE A HIGH FIVE, CITIZEN HERO!' - to you. And to him - "Buuuuck-buck-buck-buck-buuuuuuuck?! Make yerself useful and lay us an egg, mate?". Or is it that he finds such gobsmackingly atrocius and - oh, wait - ANTISOCIAL (GIANT TICK!) - PUBLIC (TICK!) - BEHAVIOUR, FROM A MAN TO A WOMAN HALF HIS SIZE AND WEIGHT, ACCEPTABLE? (Phooooooo...it had better be because he's afraid of the guy....) (Sorry. But - really!.... If we ALL thought like that then society would have broken down long before now - oops, Freudian.) Anyway, that's the technical bit. Now for the personal opinion bit: ((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Proud of you, missus. :)

PS: Shame you didn't know to tape the phone conversation. PPS: Even if you do nothing more - keep me posted on what HE does/fails to do from now on. I also suggest you get it through her skull that you're there for her if/when she needs your support, regardless if it's in the middle of the night. PPPS: Forgot to mention: A psychopath doesn't lower himself to violence (better at acting, manipulating, planning and intellectualising;rightly considers himself a superior specie to a sociopath). A Narcissist has their public reputation to think about so, like the psycho, doesn't tend to dare resort to such depths - but can if cornered. A Narc-Spath is the one that, e.g., starts brawls in public/on the street and is that hot-headed and impulsive that consequences fail to exist (usually because they arrogantly believe they can talk/lie their way out of it)....(which makes YOU, missus, pretty damn Slime-Proof/un-charmable, un-hypnotiseable, un-brainwashable...how cool is THAT!).

"PS: Shame you didn't know to tape the phone conversation." Make a transcript of it, though. As much as you can remember, verbatim, or even just the gist - like this: Him: "Blah-blah-blah" (Word Salad, Minimisation (incl. citing a worse crime to fake-soften his own) and other drivel...) Me: "Blah-blah" (Truth, Sense and more Truth and Sense) Him: "Blahblahblahblah blah-blah" (Circular Argument) Include how/where he paused, hesitated, literally came out with things that made no sense or weren't related...his behaviour as well as his words. And his manner. Also log the date and time (which will tally with your phone bill). Better safe than sorry and all that. And just so's we're clear: throttling/-gestures alone don't prove narc-sociopathy, but it's how they react afterwards that seals the identificatory deal. And didn't he just. Bet he's a parasite. Bet she's his host. (*sigh*)