Anxiety and self-hatred

Hello! Got many problems, but I'll begin with the one that led me to look for another advice forum (used to be on one back in the day that got bought, ruined and shut down by a major magazine publisher). Since at least my teens, I've had big problems with worrying myself sick over things I did. Sometimes, like last night, it's because I really made a mistake, someone told me in no uncertain terms that it was one and I had to do my best to fix matters. (Not an upsetting people kind of mistake, an autistic gaffe I had to delete before anybody else saw it.) However, it also happens when I haven't done anything wrong. I worry after every social interaction that I've said the wrong thing to the wrong person, said/done something that will be misinterpreted, or even that I've said/done things I rationally know I haven't. For instance, I trace it back to my teens because the first example that sticks clearly in my mind was when I accepted a university offer and somehow started worrying in case I'd declined it, when I knew full well I'd accepted. There's no clear pattern for what will have this effect on me. Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I haven't done X thing wrong and then start worrying about Y thing that happened (or not) in the same interaction instead. It's also getting worse. A lot of the time now when I worry about this stuff, I wonder if I'm a bad person. What's more, it often doesn't go away when I check and find no mistake, or do my best to put it to rights if there is one. Is there any possible solution to this? I try to stop myself from checking with other people after verbal interactions, because if I checked as much as I wanted to, I'd annoy the hell out of them all.

Hi, First of all be assured that you are not a bad person! It sounds to me like you have a problem with anxiety that is causing you a great deal of distress and unhappiness. The great thing is that there is help for this! Have you considered therapy? Anxiety is one of the top problems therapists deal with daily so there are some different modalities designed to help with this. You are not alone. Therapy can be expensive, so if that is an issue I would check with some resources within your city that offer sliding scale fees.

Not only considered it, but been chasing the NHS for it these past 5 years, to no avail. Tried going private once while waiting, but stopped after a couple of months when the therapist spent a whole session shouting at me for my political beliefs. That was £1000 down the toilet. Not a sum I can afford to risk again.

So sorry to hear of your bad experience. That should never happen in therapy. Sometimes it takes time to find the right fit and a well-qualified therapist. As in any field, not all are created equal. If you are done with therapy, do you have someone you trust that you can confide in, such as a pastor, trusted friend, or a peer counselor? I realize now that you are in Britain, not the US, but I hope these suggestions are helpful. Completely off the beaten path I would suggest a youTube channel that might be helpful called Laugh Lines and Life Lessons. Surprisingly, it has helped many of us find a little bit of levity in the doom and gloom and is very full of wisdom at the same time.

There are a lot of factors to consider in communication. Professionalism, appearance, basic common courtesy, etc. We all have to try our best to make a good impression and convey the appropriate tone. And it can be exhausting. All you can do though, is try your best. You can't please everybody. You never will. But you can try your best to be empathetic, look for whatever the particular person in question seems to value, and prioritize that in conversations with them. I used to have a buddy who used the term "Clarification" a lot. He would hear what other people were saying and follow it up with, "Let me get some clarification about that.", or, "...So just to clarify..." And I mean, that's acceptable, that works. But you shouldn't have to constantly confirm things with other people to that level of depth. You're not an alien or a machine, and you're not speaking (I assume) a different language from everyone around you. So other people should surely be able to meet you halfway and understand you just as you try to understand them. I've got this coworker now. He is kind of a jerk. Sometimes he will question things I do or try to make me feel stupid if I'm not 100% sure about something. You will encounter people like that, and all you can really do is present the facts and be confident in yourself. Other people will take offense, they will get angry, and they will make negative assumptions over the slightest crap. It's not your job to mind-read or be perfect at everything from square one. Those people weren't mind-readers and certainly weren't ever perfect, either.

Ah, we have an Autie! Quite a few Aspies here. "There's no clear pattern for what will have this effect on me. Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I haven't done X thing wrong and then start worrying about Y thing that happened (or not) in the same interaction instead. It's also getting worse. A lot of the time now when I worry about this stuff, I wonder if I'm a bad person. What's more, it often doesn't go away when I check and find no mistake, or do my best to put it to rights if there is one. Is there any possible solution to this? I try to stop myself from checking with other people after verbal interactions, because if I checked as much as I wanted to, I'd annoy the hell out of them all." Yeah...The fact that you're switching from one worry to another, tells me you're pinning the blame for how you feel and fear, onto palpable things in order to try to have a reason for feeling that way, other than "I must be mad because nothing is wrong". I don't think things are getting worse, I think they're finally screaming for overdue attention. You do fear criticism for "being wrong", though. So I can only conclude you've been walking on eggshells and over-criticised for too long, without your having realised the internal damage being done via that 'pecking' over years and years. I don't doubt Brexit, Covid, and the rest of it since, has compounded it. Question: have you recently moved out of the forcefield of the worst pecker, whereby, it's finally SAFE to have the reactions you were censored/kept gagged over back then, all those times? Seems your mind is going - "Nnnnnow!". Agree? The aftermath includes Catastrophising (tick!). But to Autie degree (biiiiig emotions!). You care too much about too much, still. Question: What are you calling 'in no uncertain terms'? Can you tell us what happened and with whom? PS: Bad people don't fret over when or whether they've upset others. You fret a LOT. So that makes you the polar opposite to a bad person, right? But your needle (- record-player needle) does sound stuck in OVER-conscientious mode, like you've been OVER-civilised. Is that pinging with you?

PS: " I try to stop myself from checking with other people after verbal interactions, because if I checked as much as I wanted to, I'd annoy the hell out of them all." That's no solution. It would just make things worse by leaving you completely in the dark. Maybe if you didn't 'annoy the hell out of "them all"'*, they'd have another justification at the ready. Just because they need someone or something to be annoyed at, rather than admit it comes from inside them? I.e. they COME already annoyed! Valid query? Check here as much as you like. Until you get bored with checking or forget to. Maybe it's this: Right Qualities (yours) - Wrong Recipients? Or maybe they allow themselves to get so constantly annoyed "with you" because they've never bothered to read your unique User Manual so simply can't work out where you're coming from/not coming from, which leaves them off-balance and discombobulated and assuming you're being difficult? That's still their problem, not yours, however, and still isn't any excuse for pulling you up "in no uncertain terms". You sound completely and utterly normal/high-functioning to me. I've just congratulated you on your great response over on Misunderstood's thread, have I not? At Uni, eh? Are you HIGHEST functional? Is that the problem? Are you too 'perfect' in the pecker's eyes, whereby you make them feel inadequate and their solution is to keep dragging you down a tad? (Still not an excuse...just want to work out what the hell their problem is!)

Wait a cotton pickin' minute.... "Tried going private once while waiting, but stopped after a couple of months when the therapist spent a whole session shouting at me for my political beliefs" PARDON??????????????? WTSF?! A therapist? Whole session? Not just SHOUTING, but AT you? Over your *political* beliefs of all things?! Man or woman? How did you find them? Woooooaaarrr...THAT'S DISGUSTING! THAT'S CLIENT ABUSE! Report them. Get them struck off! (Unbelievable) Right, then. How many people are seeing you as an easy-target for abuse and belittlement, like you're their personal punching-bag? Count them up for me, if you please?

Agree that you probably should report this therapist for unprofessional ( and possibly harmful) conduct. First I would check their credentials and verify that they are licensed. You would be surprised at how many fraudulent therapists are out there practicing without a license. It happens in every professional field and this behaviour is so egregious that it sounds a little bit suspicious.

"and this behaviour is so egregious that it sounds a little bit suspicious." UCK, yes! A LOT suspicious!

> Question: have you recently moved out of the forcefield of the worst pecker, whereby, it's finally SAFE to have the reactions you were censored/kept gagged over back then, all those times? Seems your mind is going - "Nnnnnow!". Agree? I disowned my parents because they were the worst, but now censorship is rife in wider society. > Question: What are you calling 'in no uncertain terms'? Can you tell us what happened and with whom? I made this post after my auntie told me a family secret while drunk, but insisted I didn't tell the person the consequences could affect most (another relative) because my uncle didn't want it widely known. I asked what to do about it on another forum and someone replied that it was none of my business, so I deleted the thread. > PS: " I try to stop myself from checking with other people after verbal interactions, because if I checked as much as I wanted to, I'd annoy the hell out of them all." > That's no solution. It would just make things worse by leaving you completely in the dark. > Maybe if you didn't 'annoy the hell out of "them all"'*, they'd have another justification at the ready. Just because they need someone or something to be annoyed at, rather than admit it comes from inside them? I.e. they COME already annoyed! > Valid query? No, this is based on the way my father (also autistic, but never formally diagnosed) used to fish for compliments due to the same insecurity. It annoyed the hell out of me. "Do unto others ..." > A therapist? Whole session? Not just SHOUTING, but AT you? Over your *political* beliefs of all things?! > Man or woman? How did you find them? On the website of a professional body whose leaders had said something denouncing politicisation of therapy at the time, hence he is licensed by them and I thought he'd be OK, but he wasn't. > How many people are seeing you as an easy-target for abuse and belittlement, like you're their personal punching-bag? Count them up for me, if you please? Not many now, because there aren't many people in my life to begin with. One person I considered a friend is moving more in that direction, so I've been distancing myself, but can't cut ties entirely because she's close to other people I value a hell of a lot, so the potential for drama if I did is considerable. There's another person I considered a friend who flaked so much in long distance communication that I kept away from her for a while, but I've had to get back in touch because one of her plans could provide an insurance option for me if some of the more evil things the political powers that be are planning are ever introduced. It's tough for me to manage dealing with such people, but with few regular contacts and not much money for socialising more widely, I haven't a lot of options.