Feeling guilty and heartbroken after a new connection ended

Hi everyone, I recently started seeing someone, and we really liked each other. Things were going well, and I felt a strong emotional and physical connection — closer than I’ve ever felt with anyone before. A few days ago, I panicked over a snap I received from a guy I used to loosely know online. I lied about how I knew him and only later told the truth — that we met through a livestream and occasionally snap each other. He was really hurt by the lie, lost trust, and now seems to be pulling away. I feel terrible and guilty because I know I could have handled it differently — I could have removed the other person earlier or been fully honest from the start. My question is: Is this really a valid reason to end a getting-to-know-you phase? I want some perspective on whether this is something that could be worked through, or if it’s reasonable for him to step back completely.

Dishonesty, no matter how paltry it seems, is a deal breaker for some people & not for others & yep, it truly is a valid reason to end any relationship no matter if it's early days or years old. People are comfortable with those who share their values & standards & look for the same when kicking off friendships which can lead to long term relationships & beyond. You must understand that some people will run like the wind if they come across dishonesty in any relationship as they've been hurt before & simply won't tolerate it, no matter the who/what/when & why. At the end of the day, honesty was always the best policy & still is. As you post, the ball's in his court & the next move will be all his, especially as he's started to pull away. If he needs to work it out , he will. If he doesn't, he won't, but people like him will usually tell you what's happening with them & why they made the decision they did. All this doesn't mean that you're a bad person, but do get your chin up as you'll be all the wiser for it all no matter where it ends up.

"A few days ago, I panicked over a snap I received from a guy I used to loosely know online. I lied about how I knew him" Hi FOMO, What I want to know is why you had to say ANYTHING?...Why was either the fact of a private text(?) message, let alone its contents, any of this new guy's business? Did he question you about what it was and who it was from when it pinged in? Is that why you panicked? If so - does Trunkie (him) want a bun? Explain it to me, por favor?

Hi, Yes he looked at my phone and asked who it was. I said it was a friend of my friend and not that i met him through a friend online. I never lied about the kind of relation i had to this guy. I just felt uncomfortable to share that we met through the internet and was not ready to share that. I know it was wrong and i apologized and regret it deeply. He chose to end the contact because of that.

HE LOOKED AT YOUR PHONE? You mean, basically helped himself or pressured you to let him look??? GIANT RED FLAG, GIANT RED FLAG - ABORT MISSION! Have you read up on The Over-Entitled, aka Narcissists (or even just overly narcissistic, or insecure - same bleedin' result)? I think you should. You've only just met him! Who does he think he is?! ...Oh wait (what am I saying): ENTITLED. No he's NOT entitled and nor would be even if you two were married! And he's obviously done it far more than once - HENCE you panicked when you saw it come in. You can SEE if having a talk with him about Personal Boundaries (especially yours - or he can just date a Doormat, instead, can't he! :p) pulls him up sharp. But really, I think the gross overentitlement in that one (but repeated) act says it all. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. :( What are you thinking now?

"I just felt uncomfortable to share that we met through the internet and was not ready to share that. I know it was wrong and i apologized and regret it deeply. He chose to end the contact because of that." YES. Nor would I have been. AND I repeat, it was none of this VIRTUAL STRANGER'S BUSINESS! No apology necessary. No regret necessary. And - oh, HAS he chosen to end contact. Yuh, right. Bet if you don't crack he'll try to Hoover you. Don't go anywhere, stay here and keep us updated on EVERY little twitch he makes. And then, we'll ALL be ready for him, won't we. :) ((Uh-oh, Narcypoos, you're going down.))

Sorry, tsk..didn't answer your direct question: "My question is: Is this really a valid reason to end a getting-to-know-you phase? I want some perspective on whether this is something that could be worked through, or if it’s reasonable for him to step back completely." No, it is not a valid reason...unless the bloke's a Coercive Controller (and he certainly sounds like it DISTURBINGLY EARLY-ON...too much toxicity to keep hidden(!), innit). That's how I know the dumping you is a fave Narc tactic... (When he takes you back after you, the target victim, have begged enough) it's meant to teach you to never again have male friends/contacts (they could steal his prey or give her true feedback (like I'm doing now) as well as help her to escape, see). ...Because you have no right to dump someone for a VIOLATION that YOU have attempted to make. In other words - it's like he burped vilely in your face and then dumped YOU for it because you tried to resist and stand up for yourself. It's known as Narcissistic Blame-Shifting...part of Narc Victim-Priming. Saying all of that. You might have managed to demonstrate very effectively, despite you let him look, that you're the type who (once the nonsense hits critical) WOULD stand up for yourself effectively (too effectively) and, therefore, HE got HIS (warped) Red Flag that you'd be too much like hard work to crack, train and enslave, i.e. there are too many easier victims out there (or so they still think). Therefore, if he doesn't Hoover you, you were a Bad Slave (haha, oooh noooo). Well, whatever you did or let slip worked (or 'has thus far') so - kudos! Let's see if and when he attempts a Hoover. PS: showed you inside HIS phone, did he (to make it fair)? No...Thought not ("Narc boyfriend - dual standards and hypocrisy").

PPS: Given a few more days/weeks, you're going to kick yourself for having apologised to him (it). Don't. Happens (LITERALLY!) to the best of us (Narcs think they deserve only the best of everything, including romantic partners (slaves)). It's an highly perverse compliment but a recommendation nonetheless. So it's - Right Qualities (yours), Wrong Recipient. And for future ref, you don't get rid of exes or casuals this early on. You are a free agent so you can behave like one, same as men have always done. You only do that - BOTH OF YOU, TOGETHER - when you outright agree you're so into each other you want to be exclusive (Steadies).

PPPS: if he's NOT "a" Narc, he might well be over-controlling because he's too soon out of a relationship wherein he was cheated on. But a few more weeks or months will tell us what and which he is or isn't. Let's see...

Thank you for your reply. He sat besides me and i checked my messages, thats when he looked at my phone. But i have to say he was controlling if i now look back at it but i just liked him so much that i overlooked that. And i just feel bad because i lied and normally i am not that kind of person. I am loyal and trustworthy but i just panicked and did not want to share that part of my life yet and felt pressured. And also did not want him to react badly. There was also like this kinda bad atmosphere because he never really trusted me and believed me although i always told the truth besides this one time and i know it wasnt right and i really regret it. And this guy from snap was not someone i was romantically involved with, we just shared snaps that we send everyone to have streaks and there was never interest from one side and we also never met in person. And we agreed we were exclusive but as i said this snap guy was not somebody that i had some kinda connection or romatic intentions with. And i would have also removed him if he told me so cause i really liked him.

"thats when he looked at my phone." Then, YEAH, Trunkie *does* want a bun. Well, he can't have one - "so there, mleugh!". Not even as a Steady. All he has the right to do is trust you or not. It's basic good manners - repeat BASIC! - *not* to look...to deliberately turn away or go do something else for a second (or look at his own - whatever)..., the spoilt, pushy brat. I mean, I doubt very much you'd said - 'Come...sit behside me and peruse my mobile with me', right? So he's no Gentleman, is he. He thinks he's allowed to help himself to whatever he wants, WHEN he wants. "But i have to say he was controlling if i now look back at it but i just liked him so much that i overlooked that." Well in-lust, were you? Bloody ovaries, eh? They've got a lot to answer for! But yah... and it bears saying again: "hat he did (AND so soon-in! - never MIND if you called it Steadies) was BLOODY controlling, BLOODY rude, BLOODY disrespectful, BLOODY arrogant - you name it, it was it. Who does he think he is - your Dad?! (Answer: yes...AND simultaneously - or whenever it suits - your un-tameable teenage son you never signed up for...*usually* out of range of any third-party witnesses i.e. behind closed doors. That's Narcs for ya. And if you're really unlucky - (drip-drip) *financially* dependent on you, too!) You've dodged a bullet, mushtie. Me, I'd have said (coldly-sneeringly) - HOW DAAAARE YOU, WHAT D'YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, SNOOPING OVER MY BLOODY SHOULDER AT MY PERSONAL, PRIVATE STUFF LIKE SOME EIGHT-YEAR-OLD WHO DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER?! WHAT'S NEXT - OPENING MY MAIL?! (But then, I'm no Lady, heh heh...not with rude toe-stompers like him, certainly.) Here's something that might make you fall off your chair, though, plus cheer you right up (an' not-a-lot-o-people-know-this): During the Love-Bombing (*smiling* priming) period (what you naturally assume is Honeymoon Period) - the reason you fancy them so damn much is because at that point they're deliberately Mirroring you (all your likes, your love language, etc., etc.) to make out they're your 'twin flame' (to get you to trust them almost immediately rather than them earn it over time). And they do it bloody convincingly! Therefore, in effect, you get to sample FIRST-HAND how amazing and sexy you tend to make your boyfriends feel...You're dating and bedding 'yourself'. And you've basically said that you very (too) quickly found 'him' amazing and incredibly fanciable. :) Anyway... "And i just feel bad because i lied and normally i am not that kind of person." It's not lying (by-omission) if it's none of their business yet. It's just None Of Their Business WHO else you're merely sampling (dating) or have dated or might be about to date, and/or who's still contacting you. But this internet guy was just a platonic friend. There you go then (and I'll BET he didn't let you impress that fact on him - right?...wanted you to 'be guilty', see...because it's weighty leverage for making you give way to HIS way every time). A male friend who isn't trying to impress you enough for romance, would definitely give you true feedback if ever you asked for his opinion on whether you or the bf were the unreasonable one in any situation or overall. So of course this mere friend would still have to be gotten rid of. Google "Narc Boyfriend - Isolation" or, specifically, "Ways a Narc boyfriend isolates his girlfriend" (or "isolates their target", or just "The Narc Isolation Campaign".... anything along those lines). If you get stuck, tell me and I'll supply some links for you. (PS: One of mine (after meeting them only twice!) told me my friend was talking about me behind my back. I quipped - 'Excellent! As Oscar Wilde always said - T'is much better to be looked-over than overlooked' (and beamed). Firework + Pissed-On or what. :p But, truth is, not even being firm, self-assertive and self-protective - "Drawing Boundaries" - works with a Narc. They just try to achieve the same nefarious object via another, sneakier and subtler method. There's no winning with them, except for, Walking Away - and as soon-in as you can. They don't want a Beau, just a Slave who THINKS they're his Girlfriend/Equal Partner. End Of.) But back to Trunkie in this specific instance... You haven't done anything wrong. And when I say that, what I mean is: You haven't done anything wrong. And neither have you done anything wrong. You just behaved LIKE ANY NORMAL FEMALE DATER would have, adhering to time-appropriatenesses/protocols or otherwise, i.e. being NORMAL. Got it? If you and he had become exclusive Steadies after a normal, decent period of time, like 6 months-worth of at least once-per-week meeting-up (i.e. if he'd managed to trick you into believing he was a nice, normal guy, for long enough) - THEN he'd have had a point (*pretend* point). Still not much of one, though, because how were YOU to know this other guy would suddenly ping you? (...Oh, wait - yes, of course - with a Narc, you're also meant to be a mind-reader.) He is/was just a friend. Why the uck and since when do you have to apologise for being pinged by a friend, just because they're opposite gendered and/or just because you didn't divulge what wasn't yet his biz to know? It sounds as if he pounced on the assumption that this guy was a thread and represented you 'going behind his back'. PFF. What a crock. Nah. Nothing wrong with you. And PS: they don't trust, full-stop. It's YOU who's meant to do all the trusting, while they flout it and two- (or more) time you behind your back, etc., et-ruddy-cetera (one rule for you, another or none for them (- "Narc Dual Standards"). It's not a partnership (equal power, meaning, power neither a feature nor issue) - it's Master/Mistress-Slave. They weren't reared to do equality - they would have been kept constant Slave by whichever family (or teenage-friend) Narcs abused them (or kept demonstrating how to abuse and get away with it, to get ones constant way). They leave home vowing never to be enslaved again, but, instead of striving for equality ("eq-WHAT?!"), they pick the opposite...oppressor-dominator (- How To Guarantee Serial Relationship-Failure - by Forrest Gump's Evil Twin).

In other simpler words: why can't you (or any dater) really like him AND get to keep your social circle (and your conversations with each of them private)??? Crock of sh*t. Just Priming disguised as romantic insecurity and jealousy.