Cheeky or not

Our son asked his sister on WhatsApp what time she was planning to arrive next week at our house. It’s his birthday and we are taking him for a meal along his girlfriend, our daughter and our other son. Our son whose birthday it will be, messaged her on WhatsApp and she replied she was thinking of getting here two days earlier. He then replied to do it and she agreed. Our daughter did not ask us her parents if it was ok to come earlier on the message. So she will be here for three and half days. Monday through to Thursday. Her boyfriend is then coming here on the Thursday because they are then going to go and see her boyfriend’s father who lives far away. I think it’s cheeky of her to assume it’s alright to come earlier and should have asked us her parents if that was ok considering she is sleeping in our home. We only see her now and then and she only gets intouch if she wants some information about her car when it needs jobs doing on it, or if she’s going somewhere. She is and has been to wrapped up in her own world and her life. My husband and me never get a messsge to see how we are are from her which is cruel I think. When she stays here, she says she doesn’t have a good nights sleep yet she still wants to arrive earlier. Last time she come here she had been looking through our fridge and going on to our son who lives here about the foods we buy and about the dust around the house. I thought this was really non of her business and I’m sure if I went to her and her boyfriends flat she would not like it. She has plenty of time on her hands and only works part time so far to much time to be a busy body and interfere. She is 32 and I am really really annoyed she did not ask us her parents if it was ok to arrive two days earlier instead of just thinking it is ok because our son says it was. Our son is turning 28 so it not like it’s a special birthday but he wants it to be and to be doing things that day. He wants to go the beach and other stuff. My husband and myself will be working so won’t be home until the afternoon and we will just be taking him for the meal. My husband and myself have no time off left to use up so can’t take a day off. I had to work on my birthday and our daughter or other son did not come to see me on it. Now I want to know if I should send a message on WhatsApp to our daughter and say, Yes that should be ok. Meaning yes it’s ok for us that she comes earlier instead of her just assuming it is. I must admit I don’t want her here any earlier and I did think she would only come for one day and go back home again. Should I say it or keep it all in and think how cheeky she is to assume she can just arrive anytime and not ask us. We only have a two bedroom house and our son is going to stay in a hotel the night before his birthday with his girlfriend. Our daughter and other son will be here. One sleeping in the spare room and the other one on the couch or floor downstairs. Our daughter usually sleeps downstairs on the floor when she as come in the past so no doubt she will again and then probably say she did not sleep to good when we ask her. I think I’m looking for respect from her and for her to realise it’s my husbands and my house not our sons and should be asking if it’s ok for us, not thinking she can just arrive and think it’s a hotel just to get her away for a few days. My husband wonders why I feel this way and angry and annoyed at our kids but I feel we are not getting respected enough and taken for granted. I’m sure if I stayed at her flat for three days without asking if it was alright she would not like it and probably have something to say about it. My husband said to tell her then in WhatsApp that it should be ok and I told him I know he would not do it because he is not bothered. He said he doesn’t know what to do anymore.

Hi Pillars! :) First, it has to be asked: Could it be that in his keenness, son gave daughter the distinct impression that he'd ALREADY asked and got your permission, and, therefore, was inviting her on your joint behalf/with your pre-approval? You said he wanted it to be a special one...a big thing - right?

Hello Soulmate, I think our daughter should have asked on WhatsApp her dad and me if it was ok when she says she was getting down earlier. not think it was ok just because our son said it was. She could have just said. Mum and Dad, is it alright I come a couple of days earlier. That’s all she had to do. Or when our son said it was ok then she should have said, I will wait to see what Mum and Dad say and if it’s ok with them. Our son never asked us when his girlfriend stayed over and again another time and in our bed I might add and just assumed it was ok. I think he forgets that he is living under our roof and maybe we are stupid parents and not put our foot down enough to tell him what rules there are. As for his birthday, he probably wants to make a big thing out of it because we are not all together on birthdays because our other son and daughter live away from us and we are hardly all together at once.

So son definitely had the motive - AND the previous history of 'going above your heads'. What about your daughter? Or was this her first time? "Or when our son said it was ok then she should have said, I will wait to see what Mum and Dad say and if it’s ok with them." Does she normally? Has she ever? Having failed to put your foot down doesn't make you stupid, it just makes you a bit remiss (trusting, but less than sensible and forward thinking) (on this score)...and soft-hearted and tolerant, as well as non-controlling (waiting for them to take their own, grown-up initiative). It's not too late to have a conversation with your son (and daughter) to say, this set-up isn't working so, for the sake of lasting harmony, we need to do what we SHOULD have done before now, and discuss putting certain rules and boundaries in place so that none of us are treading on anyone's toes (or some such). And let them air their own complaints (if they have any). Family Pow-Wow Time. Is that possible?