No respect

Been talking to a marriage counsellor on and off for a long time. I have trust issues with my husband so been talking about this mostly nearly every session. I don’t think my husband respects me and this is because of the times we have been out and he has looked at other women. Been abroad and he done it when we were having a meal and looking at another woman on the other side of the room. He has done it in the swimming baths and kepted looking over at a woman who was with other women. He even got changed quickly so he could see her when she got out of the pool. He has done it when we have had a meal out with our adult son and many many other times over the years. When we speak to the counsellor, the counsellor never asks my husband is he doing that. Not once. The counsellor tells me over and over that he thinks my husband is not doing anything and it’s all my insecurity and to do with my father. My husband just sits there and lets me just talk and it’s like he isn’t interested. The counsellor thinks it has to do with my father how he treated me and the things he used to say to me. He is dead now and good riddance to him I say. I think the counsellor is right a little bit I also think it’s my husband making me feel insecure about the way I feel with him looking at other women and you know he even had the nerve to say he loves me just wants me and no other but he does this to me. I wonder what he dies when he’s not with me. What is he like then with the opposite sex. The counsellor has never sent me information when he says he would and this has happened twice now. I did call the marriage counselling office to tell them when it happened the second time and our counsellor finally sent me it but I should not had to of contacted the office because it was the marriage counsellors fault for forgetting. Should I of made a complaint about this happening twice and with him never asking my husband if he is doing what I say he is doing. It’s like the counsellor is thinking it’s all to do with me not him. I think he should be asking my husband questions but he does not. I do track my husbands phone and my husband knows I do it but the counsellor said it is illegal to do it. This is my husband not some random stranger we’re talking about. I do suffer with insecurity and I think my husband plays on this and if anyone saw how he looked they would start laughing. You know my husband is a small man. Got Grey hair, a pot belly, a crooked nose and has skin tags plus a little dick. If anyone knew I have insecurity because of him not respecting me they would probably want to slap me and say awake up. Look at the state of him. You are to good for him so start believing in yourself. I remember when we first met on a blind date. I never thought much of him at all and it was only after so much time did he grow on me like a rash. Is he playing on my insecurity do you think and it makes him feel good about himself because he knows I feel, that I am not good enough and maybe that I won’t leave him because of how I feel

Hey ISSYTO, Reading this, I can really feel how much pain and exhaustion you’re carrying. It sounds like you’ve been living with constant doubt and tension for a long time, always trying to make sense of what’s real and what’s just fear. That’s such a heavy place to be in, and it makes total sense that you feel frustrated and lonely. When you talk about your husband, I can sense a lot of anger but also something underneath, maybe disappointment, maybe sadness. Sometimes, when we’ve been hurt or ignored for too long, that sadness starts turning into anger because it’s easier to carry. Do you feel that could be true for you? You mentioned tracking his phone and wondering what he’s doing when he’s not around. I completely get the urge to know, it comes from wanting to feel safe. But I think deep down you already know it’s not giving you that. It’s just keeping you stuck in that same painful loop, right? Calm for a moment, anxious right after. That’s not peace, and you deserve peace. Have you been able to talk with your husband about what you need to feel respected and safe with him? Does he listen at all, or does it feel like he just shuts down? And when it comes to your counsellor, do you feel they’re really hearing you? If not, it might help to bring that up, or even look for someone else who can make space for both of you equally. It also sounds like you already know that your fears go deeper than this relationship. Maybe that’s the part to start gently exploring, not to blame yourself, but to understand why these fears have so much power over you. Because from the way you describe things, it feels like you’ve been running on empty for a long time, trying to hold everything together alone. You don’t have to have all the answers yet. But maybe it’s time to ask yourself what you really want, not what he’s doing, not what the counsellor says, just you. What would feeling loved and calm actually look like for you?

Hi Issyto, First off, you're not mad, nor over-sensitive, nor over-reactive. You are NOT the problem. You just aren't the solution yet. (But you soon will be.) You'll see what I'm getting at as you read on... "It’s like the counsellor is thinking it’s all to do with me not him." Yes, I agree. And at the same time, this (really?) counsellor has failed to follow-through with promised information (that understandably you'd be gagging to receive!), to the extent where you've had to go above his/her head, ffs! He is not putting the effort in. Over-busy or doesn't care enough? "I think he should be asking my husband questions but he does not." That, my luv, is a No-Brainer. I find it astonishing - absolutely astonishing! - that he hasn't. By failing to have the right hard-work ethic here, your counsellor is basically resorting to Victim-Blaming. And isn't that SO much easier than tackling why on EARTH a (comparitively-speaking) 'Garden Gnome' would be setting-fire, bank-note-by-bank-note, to his Lottery Win (you). IT IS BEEPING DISRESPECTFUL! Bet you any money you like, that if YOU did it - oh, then, all Hell would break loose! (Am I right or am I right?) And if you've told him in no uncertain terms that it hurts your feelings and makes you feel rejected by him (as if he's weighing up his plethora of other options (self-deluded as well, is he?...think he's a sex-God?) - over and over and OVER - and yet it has made NO DIFFERENCE to his behaviour? Then - I'm very sorry to say - you're probably with a Narcissist (who is in Devalue-you mode) or an EXTREEEEMELY insecure man who, when he said "I Will", THOUGHT he could handle a looker, only to find himself feeling constantly under-threat ("When-you're-in-love with-a beeaauu-di-ful wo...man, you-watch-yer fri-ie-iends (- Dr. Hook) ....so (correct) tries to make you BLIND TO ALL OTHER YUMMIER MEN by making you focus on what HE and ONLY HE is doing, and on yourself and what you're supposedly lacking. That way, no man's going to come onto you (the stupid, superficial type that believes you'd jump ship just for 'better' looks and height - i.e. yet another Narc). Because you have a face like a Wet Weekend. Understand now? Not Rocket-Science, is it. Apparently it is to your counsellor. Been seeing him A LONG TIME, you say? At how much per session...each time..for a long time. Ker-ching, ker-ching, ker-ching, eh? Undoubtedly, it's been going on for a long time BECAUSE - using the analogy of a blind lightbulb-fitter (you) (and hussy-band) and his mate below the ladder (counsellor), issuing him instructions - the counsellor is telling you the light fitting is to your left when in fact it's to your (beeping!) RIGHT. THAT'S why the counselling has dragged on for so long with zero affect either way to your husband's behaviour that he well knows upsets you(!!!). Good grief (aimed at that counsellor). Time to find one who is au-fait with Narcissism and/or Over-Insecurity? (Where did you find this one, anyway - PoundLand?) I think you're (as a couple) being exploited. Either that or the counsellor hasn't a clue but daren't admit it and refer you on. "I do track my husbands phone and my husband knows I do it but the counsellor said it is illegal to do it. This is my husband not some random stranger we’re talking about." CORRECT! Plus, you're not doing it for nefarious reasons, but to find a way to emotionally protect yourself and your sanity. It's called Reactive Abuse (he's the abuser, you're the victim-self-defender....HE STARTED IT, in other words; it just wouldn't be in your nature, otherwise.) "I do suffer with insecurity" I'm not ucking SURPRISED, missus - so would I, married to your husband! So would everyone here!....someone who's supposed to love and cherish us treating us like THAT?! Doing something to hurt us, again and again and again AND AGAIN? What is he - a sadist?! This CANNOT be the only bad and unhusbandly behaviour he subjects you to. This is too characteristic... Come on - spill. You're in good company. MOST of us here have one or a number of ex-Narcs 'under our belt'. We know how it goes. Anyhoo, back to your post... "and I think my husband plays on this and if anyone saw how he looked they would start laughing." Intellect has no effect here. The abuse is EMOTIONAL and goes AROUND OR UNDER your intellect; in fact, most of it is them triggering your animal reflexes, putting you into Fight Or Flight mode (Fight/Flight/Fawn/Freeze). It has this effect on ANY normal, healthy, non-narcissistic partner or spouse! And if you're an Empath, it hurts even worse. Plus it lowers your intelligence by 15 iQ points (which is a LOT). (You're not supposed to think when threatened, you see; just instantly act.) I remember (with my first 'romantic' Narc), thinking (AND saying!) this: Whyyyyy would you be TRYING to hurt me/piss me off?...why on EARTH would you WANT to?...are you trying to make me bit-by-bit HATE you??? (You never get a truthful answer, of course.) Really, the answer is far simpler. It's their personality disorder and/or serious psychological disturbance that makes them want/need to. They're relationally-interpersonally insane. End Of. And this and more, is how people with this type of insanity treat their romantic (or whatever other) loved-ones. Google: "Narcissistic Spouse - Idealize, Devalue, Discard" (but bear in mind they can *pretend*-discard you to unfairly twist your arm, to get their way, meaning, if you take them back it becomes a continuous (google) "Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse" which can go on for years and years. (For as long as you don't for-real dump THEM and KEEP them dumped.) Now, then... If you turn round and tell me that this disgusting oogling and dribbling is ALL he does to insult/upset/anger you, and the rest of the time he's wonderful, then - Over-Insecurity - you getting 'stolen' off him - is his problem. In which case he'll need therapy. And btw, this is a very common, familiar strain of sentiment said in hindsight by virtually ALL narc-Victim-Survivors: "I remember when we first met on a blind date. *I never thought much of him at all* and *it was only after so much time did he grow on me* *****like a rash.******" (Somehow managed to get under my skin, most survivors put it as. Or, Like he hypnotised me because one minute I wasn't bothered and found him a bit creepy(/whatever) but then suddenly, the next thing I know - and I've no idea WHEN - I'd fallen in-love with him!) PS: What he's doing is called Narcissistic Triangulation (google) (think Prince Charles pulling Camilla into the middle of his relationship with Diana (and look what it did to her - nuff said)). Only, your guy uses strangers/passers-by...and in a way that doesn't risk him being rejected or humiliated in front of you, as opposed to actually attempting to chat them up. It lets him think it doesn't really count as being unfaithful...that it's very Grey-zoned and hard to call. But - YOU heard your marriage vows: it is NOT 'Forsaking all others', is it ("no").... So he has broken the marriage contract by repeatedly breaking that clause - COUNTLESS times. PPS: "What would feeling loved and calm actually look like for you?" Really fab suggestion by our CN up there! It would be a really good exercise to describe what you were picturing and hoping for, marriage-wise, before you met him?