Should I end my relationship?

I am a divorced mom of two young boys.I’ve been with my boyfriend, also divorced with two kids, for two years. Our relationship has had its ups and downs, but we’ve managed to work through our issues because we love each other and understand relationships take work. We’ve talked about marriage in a few years, so I guess you could say we are fairly committed. We are both each other’s first relationship post divorce. Something happened a few weeks ago that is making me question if I should continue on with this relationship. This is a wild and long story, so please bear with me, and no, I swear I am not making any of this up, although I wish I was. Two weeks ago, his ex wife put herself in a substance induced psychosis. She had delusions and hallucinations of killing one of her children and then framing my boyfriend for it. The night ended with my boyfriend going over to her place (per her request) to check on their son who was supposedly “unresponsive”, and then being met by cops who patted him down, looking for a gun, because his ex wife called the cops to tell them he was coming over to kill them. It is important to note that my boyfriend is a wonderful, loving father. He takes excellent care of his kids, and supports his wife monthly with alimony and child support. He’s not aggressive at all. What happened that night was purely something his ex-wife concocted in her brain due to being in psychosis. She told their kids not to open the door because their dad was coming over with a gun and she told the paramedics to lock up her gun so she didn’t use it on the kids, him, or herself. Horrific, right? It quickly became clear to the paramedics that the kids were fine, my boyfriend was not a threat, and the ex wife was the one who needed medical care. She was admitted to a mental hospital, where they put her on antipsychotics , and they got her back to her baseline. She left the hospital with a diagnosis of borderline and OCD, and substance induced psychosis. She attacked staff while she was in the hospital and had many more delusions that involved killing my boyfriend while there. I was naturally livid with his ex-wife for putting my boyfriend and her kids through so much trauma. I said as much to my boyfriend, who reacted negatively to my statement that she bought this on herself. I was going through my own crisis at the time, and eventually asked for some space due to hurt feelings. The stress of it all was impacting my own life. I barely slept, as I was up late every night talking to him about the situation. I had a hard time concentrating at work due to non stop texts from him. I felt more reactive with my kids. I barely ate. I felt like I was carrying his entire emotional load, on top of my own, and it was too much. He broke up with me shortly after, then wanted to fix things because he “loves me too much and the thought of me not being in his life hurt him more than anything else”. So we’re working on fixing things, again. But I am still struggling with how he approached the situation. It literally felt like he was defending and prioritizing his ex-wife’s actions over me. He was his ex wife’s first visitor in the hospital. He was the one to go into her home and bring her clothes in the hospital. He talked to her every day she was in the hospital, and still does. He defended her actions and then broke up with me when I faulted her for putting herself in a substance induced psychosis (mixing uppers, downers, antidepressants, drugs, and alcohol). He also let her sleep at his place the first night she got out of the hospital. He is letting her see their kids now, so long as he is around to supervise. It resulted in all of them hanging out last night at a mutual friend’s house to watch the Super Bowl. This is going to be the norm know where they hang out a lot more so she can see the kids, and I will see him less. None of this is sitting right with me. I’m not sure I’m mentally strong enough to watch him reinsert himself back into his ex wife’s life in a husband role, her caretaker and best friend. Thoughts and opinions? Am I being totally selfish? Are my feelings valid? I was in an emotionally abusive relationship prior to this one, so please be kind. I want what’s best for everyone in this scenario, and large part of me feels like it could be dangerous to continue this relationship, for my kids’ sake. All of my friends and family are telling me to run. It’s too much drama and chaos, when my energy needs to be focused on my own children and providing a stable life for them (their dad lives 3 hours away and is not as involved).

Hi Calm_Breeze, No, I don't really blame you for wanting to get away from this whole situation. Honestly, that's far too much drama for most people to deal with. I can't say for sure why your bf went back to being more involved with his ex again, but it might be that he is worried about the safety of his kids, and realizes his ex isn't well or capable of keeping up with her meds or something. He may feel like he is obligated to reinsert himself back into that household for everyone's well-being. And, maybe he feels like he has to sort of put his own happiness on the back-burner for now? Your gut tells you what you need to know: you don't want that woman in your life and you don't want to put your kids or yourself in any sort of danger, or deal with that kind of trouble. And honestly, that is probably where you draw the line - you can't be a part of this mess anymore.

Your BF is still joined to his wife in some way & therefore it's up you to let him sort the bs out with her however long it takes him but without you waiting on the sidelines.. & whether he understands that is absolutely another thing. None of us can successfully take up another relationship without finishing the previous one properly & your BF's actions are telling you that he's not over his ex properly. While he's hanging around her, he can't be supporting you & if you put your foot down & tell him straight, then he'll be in no doubt where he stands with it all...simple as. His ex is crook upstairs even if it's self abuse, but the smart money's on that she's knows what she's doing. You don't need to hang around & watch her reel in your BF when she feels like it & then him turn around thinking that he can continue on with you. It just won't sing. They have children & as he's their dad, he has obligations to them regardless of what their mother does or says. Yes you're correct; your kids are your priority & if you're happy & secure then they are. They also need you to be healthy & there's no such thing as being selfish when it comes to your own children's wellbeing. You need to set boundaries & make some hard decisions to let yourself to move on to find your real happiness. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it usually is a duck so listen to your family & importantly to your own instinct.

You did NOT sign up for THAT level of nonsense. (And the level is called, Narcissistic/Toxic.) I agree with you, with m'colleagues, and could hug your whole family - they (and you) are obviously very brave. Too many past victims jump unknowingly-too-soon into another relationship. You have to get your strength back as well as your ducks in a row. His fluffy f***ers are running amok ALL OVER the shop! It's not about anything emotional, anyway. HE WAS NOT - AND STILL ISN'T - Available - therefore, nor QUALIFIED to be anyone's relationship partner. He ain't "divorced" and single again yet. As for this bit. WHAT A GIVEAWAY!... " broke up with me shortly after, then wanted to fix things because he “loves me too much and the thought of me not being in his life hurt him more than anything else”. So we’re working on fixing things, again. " *******WORD SALAD - GASLIGHTING - ALERT!!!******** The thought of losing you hurt him more than anything, despite he'd just done what it took TO lose you - broke-up with you. *Actions speak loudest. It would NOT hurt him. If it would, he wouldn't risk it. (Unless he's a giant Masochist?...and that's not relationship-friendly, either.) (Plus, he's a crap role-model. Not least, because he's a *liar.) Sorry :( Have a hug (((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))) But don't worry because you won't just be fine, you'll be BETTER! Oh, and PS: if you love your kids, you don't let their oxygen tank (their custodian parent) deplete nor only wait to attend to it once it's life-threatening. Yeah? Use my torch to look at him/things under that light. You'll see...

And btw - if you even KNEW how to be selfish!... A selfish person wouldn't BE in your horrid, FOISTED/FORCED-on situation to begin with. Consider yourself frisked and the very opposite of selfish. (I know me onions. :))

To be even clearer: It's not loss of you as a person that would hurt him more than anything else. And it wouldn't hurt his heart. It would hurt his EGO. But he phrased his half-truth into what he knew you at-that-point wanted/needed to hear. Clicking on my torch again - If you stay with him you'll end up as Concubine Number Two.... driven mad with unpredictability, instability, gaslighting/brainwashing (that you can't live without him when the opposite it true). I doubt you of all braves would end up like her, mentally and emotionally (beside herself) to that degree. But you'd feel just as trapped and dependent. Or maybe you'll be No. 1. (Woo-woooh...) They might well be as bad as each other, just she's overt and he's covert. But it's known that his type with his playbook always blame the ex and manipulate reality to make her look like the mad one to everyone else (a big factor in devastating her mental state becauuse it's Social Ostracisation/zero victim-support, which is mentally-dangerous). And that way - you'd HAVE TO BE A RIGHT COWWWWWW, not to let him see her (on the side), wouldn't you, eh? PFFFFF! Say it with me: "If protecting myself and my already vulnerable children from TWO mentally-disturbed and dysfunctional adults makes me a cow, then - MOOOOO!, Mister! Would you like a Cow Pat on the side? :p"

Do NOT end the relationship - BIG mistake > PAUSE the relationship Divorce has a LOT of impacts Do you want to marry somebody else, right now - are you ready to marry ? You ONLY need a divorce if you want to marry > just separate - live apart, with other people - if that is what you want to do It IS accepted - divorce is ONLY needed if you want to marry You CAN call yourself what you want - use your maiden name

He's only her boyfriend, Missy (and the "other woman" is his ex-wife). But, I agree with pausing it. Otherwise (if it's his aim), he'd ve getting his cake and eating it (no-no-no-no-NO!). Either that or you have a serious, uninterruptable chat (meal out) to draw boundaries, i.e., he shouldn't see her alone (- normally, fine. But this ain't Normally any more so neither is it Fine any more). And that if he does see her alone then you'll inevitably find out (it's how it goes) whereupon you'd be forced to take that act as his admission that he does NOT wish to keep his relationship with you - End Of. Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. Me, I just can't get past that 'hurt him more than anything else' 100% incongruency crap. So that's why I'm seeing Red Flags. I fail to see how anyone could get around that. It's like a toddler that's sat right in front of you, stuffing his face with ice-cream like there's no tomorrow, even making "mm-mmmm!" noises, whilst (with his mouth full) saying to you: 'I hate ice-cream, can't stand the stuff'.

It's called, Insulting Your Intelligence. But, since he chose to put it out there to be seen - and since he ISN'T a retard - that could count as (1) his deliberately taking risks (nspath tick!) as well as, (2) COULD be what's known as a (Narcissistic-) Sociopath's "Tell" or "Reveal" (which would mean he also gets off on what's known as Duper's Delight - go google, see if it feels like it and other descriptives fit). Plus the request and alleged expectation in the first place is just plain outrageous....insulting. Oh - and this was a Scooby Clue as well: "It literally felt like he was defending and prioritizing his ex-wife’s actions over me." Because he was. Because that way lays him getting his way (building a top-secret harem or even just organising a bit-on-the-side). Oh, and this bit stuck out like a sore thumb, too: "I was going through my own crisis at the time, and eventually asked for some space due to hurt feelings. The stress of it all was impacting my own life. I barely slept, as I was up late every night talking to him about the situation. I had a hard time concentrating at work due to non stop texts from him" Asked for space - wasn't respected (NSpath tick!) Told of hurt feelings - no attempt on his part to soothe, just badgering (NSpath tick!) ...which amounted to 'wearing you down' when you were down (giant tick!). Harrassment. When you'd asked for space. Great. Not self-obsessed and uber-selfish AT ALL (ugh) (tick!). Non. Stop. Texts. TEXTS, NOT CALLS, notedly. (tick!) Why 'every *night*', CalmBreeze? Would he find ways to put you off discussing it - or point-blank refuse to discuss it - until late at night? Another NSpath Tick is the timing. Waits the average of 2 years before showing his arse. Any lover chucked ME.... Doing so is no different to shooting the relationship dead. So what's to resurrect? (Answer: a ghost...being forevermore haunted.) So NO, you CAN'T have a second chance, thank-you. YOU BLEW IT, PAL. By doing the biggest-ever Dealbreaker - ending us. Awww...Boo-hoo, 'can't live without me'? Well how come you weren't already long-dead-and-buried the day I met you, then? Duu-uu-uuuh?! (*owned*)

Me again, just chiming in a bit more. I think Soul is making a really good point about the "I'm breaking up with you even though I don't want to!", thing. I'm sure it depends on the context and the tone, and how it all went down since this is a summary of things, but the message works against itself. If the last thing you wanted to do was X, then you would try almost everything in your power to keep yourself from doing X. ...So you are essentially being told you aren't a priority for him right now. If there was some more back-and-forth, and it was more like him saying, "I really don't want to do this, but my hands are tied right now... Can we catch up when things are stable?" That would be one thing, that would give some hope/expectation on his part that things are far from over for the two of you, and that this is just something he has to put first out of personal duty and not his own desire. But his first instinct was to break up with you over disagreements about this whole thing. Yes, there has been an attempt to maintain the connection since... But it's obvious that he isn't fighting hard to keep your relationship alive right now, or to even give you any believable hope about the future of your relationship. In fact it seems like he's kind of given up on your relationship. Just my take based off of the information we (still) currently have.

Cheers, Bal. :) You put it much better than I. Another Red Flag and giveaway re his true agenda: "he has to put ((her)) first out of personal duty and not his own desire." No, that's another thing, you see. He DOESN'T have to. They're DIVORCED. Care of her falls back onto her family...maybe with his back-up because she's still their kids' mother, sure. That would just be kind. But it wouldn't be NORMAL. Normal would be the dad calling to notify and pull in his ex's *family*. Or best friend. Where are they, then? Maybe don't need to help because Mr Perfect so speedily stepped in before they had a chance to? (In the nick of time, eh, in case she finally confided in whomever came to her aid?) My vote is - he's made mincemeat of her. And so she's finally ACTING like mincemeat. (We've got the same thing going on on CN's thread, regarding her bestie, M. Check it out.) "But his first instinct was to break up with you over disagreements about this whole thing" YEP. (Non-Narc: very LAST resort. Narc: very first one.) BOOM! And - by Jove, you've got it, Holmes! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmwa! (That break did you good!) He won't have given up on her, though. You have to chuck THEM. They've no need since their heart isn't in it or to be there to be in it. It's just what happens when the he or she-Narc turns their attention to keeping ANOTHER plate (the psycho-emotionally still-chained ex or other potential Supply captive), spinning on its precarious (always precarious) wooden rod. Very first resort is part of how Narc's abuse. So you never get comfortable or feel secure because the relationship evidently is SOOOO TENUOUS that you can't even disagree and stand-up for yourself/your POV without getting chucked. FAKE-chucked, actually. Creating leverage by censoring their partner so that they can carry on taking-the-piss out of the relationship but from then-on, without any comeback (so they think).

Re: He's only her boyfriend, Missy (and the "other woman" is his ex-wife). But, I agree with pausing it. Otherwise (if it's his aim), he'd ve getting his cake and eating it (no-no-no-no-NO!) > It IS just the theory I am offerin - use the theory to MANY situations - it is NOT limited