Help me figure out this breakup that was never actually established

So went no contact almost 3 weeks ago. It wasn't an actual proper break up he just kind of avoided after I bought up some issues and then we texted a little bit after not like before though. I ended up telling him that he doesnt care and let's just leave it at that and never got a reply since, I havent reached out either although I so badly want to and have been so sad and a little depressed. Yesterday I took my kids for a swim to a place that is by his home town (ive always really like this certain place before we met) but it stupidly posted a video on my story of it, then started to feel anxiety and went to go delete but noticed he had already seen it. No reaction or anything then I cried for a while and ended up deactivating my facebook but keeping messanger. I feel so stupid and wish I didn't do that its so hard though I wish he would reach out. Our relationship/situationship was hard to say the least always just wanted to be chosen and showed up for like i did for him. There was so many broken promises and things like tinder on his phone, a porn addiction and other stuff. He would txt and call everyday and do those things and show up for me when I needed help sometimes, tell me he loves me but then sometimes be a little distant and when I would tell him how I feel most of the time he would say things like

Sorry not sure why my post didnt finsh what i was saying but heres the rest: "I dont know why this is always a problem" but then sometimes validate me and make me feel loved. The week or so before the "breakup" I was feeling that and it was at a really bad time when other things were happening in my life and I just needed him and also feeling down because I hadn't seen him for weeks even though he said he was going to see me, so I told him how I was feeling and was met with no reply and limited conversation. Was I the problem? Maybe I didnt need to make it a big deal? Maybe I should have just let him be and come back to normal when he wanted? I dont know but I do know my heart is huge and I love deeply. And now ive been so broken as well as having a birthday last week and not receiving any message from him hurt alot. I dont know what im doing but I just want it to be over. Please if anyone has any insight good or bad I would so much appreciate it as im so consumed by it all and stuck between feeling like its my fault because he was there for me sometimes and remembering all the things he has done that I forgave and let slide and feeling like such an idiot for yesterday and now deactivating my facebook and deleting Snapchat (only got it because he wanted me to at the beginning of our relationship). hes probably just laughing at me i dont know but I did alot for him and was always there for him watched him cry after his best friend passed away and my daughter loved him so much and he apparently did too🤷‍♀️ Sorry for the endless rambling im just in such a horrible space right now and need help,advice just anything!!!

Yeah he probably is laughing but he doesn’t really give a damn about your relationship together as his actions are doing all the talking. He’s controlling the whole thing, leading you along then using silence, but watching what you do via SM. If this is the sort of relationship that you want for you & your kids then so be it, but it’ll always be a miserable one for you trying to stay connected to a guy who doesn’t want what you need. Sure, he can say the right things at the right times but he’s practised & he knows how to manipulate as life’s all about him & if he has any time for you, it’ll have to suit him first & foremost before you even get a look in. He’s not reaching out because you told him to go; rather he’s not reaching out as it doesn’t suit him to reach out…and aye, the porn addiction & Tinder on the phone always speak the loudest. When a man truly loves a woman, he’s connected to her via emotions & he sometimes understands her better than she does. He’ll look for & find solutions to issues which affect their relationship together & he’ll solve problems which affect her happiness. He’ll also move heaven & earth to be with her as he needs her as much as she does him. Sure, you hurt at the moment & you'll not likely get any closure whatsoever from this guy, but if you make a decision which is good for you & therefore good for your kids & you set yourself some healthy boundaries, like blocking him completely, then you’ll eventually move on & then find that man who will put you on a pedestal & love & respect you for who you are. Rambling? nope, as it’s not your fault; but do get your chin up, set some boundaries & get on with your life. Your kids need you to be happy & healthy.

"When a man truly loves a woman, he’s connected to her via emotions & he sometimes understands her better than she does. He’ll look for & find solutions to issues which affect their relationship together & he’ll solve problems which affect her happiness. He’ll also move heaven & earth to be with her as he needs her as much as she does him." Fantastic post, Mannie - especially this piece of prose! AS HE NEEDS HER AS MUCH AS SHE DOES HIM. Yup. Because his heart functions as fully and correctly as hers. Soulful (hi!), you can grieve him out, safely, here if you like? We've most of us been there.

(Where did I get 'Soulful' from??? Sorry, HopefulSoul!) (PS: that's grieve *and* detox).