Selling my house to move into my boyfriends…is it ok to be scared?

Hi Im a 29F with a 28 year old boyfriend. We have been together just over 2 years. We are in a serious relationship and have both been very clear from the beginning that we both want the same things in life…marriage,kids etc and have been very happy together We both own our own houses…mine is a small 2 bed (i bought this house knowing it was for me and that eventually i would buy a bigger house in the future with a partner) but it is a lovely little house in a perfect location for my family, friends, work, shopping, general life and i have been very happy here My boyfriend lives around 20/25 mins further away in a decent place in a bigger, cheaper house- but not location wise where i want to live. We agreed a while ago that the idea would be that it would make sense to live in his house as it is bigger and cheaper and then i would go on to sell my house and then we could save for a bigger house in the future together nearer to where i live The issue is I’m bloody terrified. we’ve talked about it for over a year and one thing i want to make clear is my boyfriend has NEVER once pressured me or forced me into a decision…he has sat back and said i need to do things in my own time. so for the past year i have been mainly living at his house…and tbh about 99% of the time at his house the last 6 months since we got a puppy together and we have been so happy. He doesn’t expect me to contribute to mortgage or bills when i move in…purely save what ive got for our next house and he’s made me feel very welcome and comfortable in his house…changing what i want to etc. However, as much as i look forward to the next chapter together im so scared to let go of my safety net…my house I know that it’s something i need to do to move onto the next chapter but i can’t help but feel scared. I’m terrified something goes wrong and then I’m left without my biggest asset. some may suggest renting but that comes with issues…emotionally i hate the thought of someone else living in my house that is mine and potentially trashing it or causing issues. i worry about all the usual issues that would arise from renting it out and the things i would have to sort (even with using an agency) and then i wouldnt want renting my house out affecting me getting a second mortgage on a new house or delaying that process and part of me thinks its easier to let go of it altogether…. i know if i sell it ill hopefully look back in a couple of years when im in my new house together and be glad i did it but i cant help of thinking of the worst outcomes and being left with nothing! but i need to make a decision soon as both of us paying for 2 mortgages and sets of bills is taking its toll….. any advice welcome!!!!

You DON`t have to be scared > You should NOT sell the house just yet either Don`t put all of your eggs IN 1 basket - you could get knocked down tomorrow Give yourself options Good things come to those who wait The relationship may end tomorrow, then what will you do? You currently have a house in your pocket - also the housin market it is a bad time to sell

Yep, been there done that. The trick is to be 100% sure of your relationship with your BF. You're are still referring to 'your' house & 'his' house. There's no 'our' house & that's where your relationship is at. If you guys are serious, you'll sell both houses to have a 'our' house. Pretty simple when you sit down & think it through.

Hi GoldenGirl29, It's perfectly fine to feel scared. When you've spent enough time someplace and really made it your own, it's a big decision whether to move on from that. You and your boyfriend have been together for 2 years. It's not a real long time, but it's usually about the point when most couples would move in together. (I had my current girlfriend move in with me after dating for about 1 year, and after like 2 months where we split up. So it sounds like your basis is already more solid for moving in together.) So the thing for me is, these are homes you both own. That is harder for me to relate to, but honestly if you are both doing well enough in your late 20's to own your own places... Well, you're off to a really great start, probably better than most. Then that means you can sell your place and get the money from that to put towards your savings for a future home, or like you suggested, rent it out and potentially make even more money from it in the long-term. I think living in a home one of you owns could be difficult if you eventually decided you wanted to break up, but it probably wouldn't be as much of as hassle as if both of you shared a bank account or something. Do you both have your own vehicle? Well, if so, then you still have something of your own with some value besides your home, that you can bring with you, and escape in from time to time if the need arises. Really it's sounding like your situation with your boyfriend and moving in together isn't the main concern of yours here, or maybe I'm wrong about that. It sounds more like you're worried about leaving behind your old place. And if you rent it out you will still own it. Honestly? I think you should try to sell it. Put that chapter behind you, and look forward. You're basically already living in your boyfriend's home now. Dealing with property issues and having a tenant could be a hassle. I would sell it and give some new soul a chance to buy a home at a decent price like you got. That would also, once it sells, give you a nice chunk of change to begin your savings towards that future home with. And if, for whatever reason, things don't work out with your boyfriend? Well, you will have a decent savings to get out of that situation with.

Thank you so much for this response! Thank you for acknowledging it’s really scary as most responses have been to this…well what are you scared of? If you’re scared this is the wrong decision etc and that’s what’s so upsetting! You’re right we have done well to achieve both owning houses and although it’s been such a big achievement it’s obviously negatively affecting this current situation as if i didn’t own my own house for example i would’ve moved in a while ago with no concerns at all. We live together very well and are happy together so no the issue is definitely not that i worry about us living in one house it’s overthinking of the what ifs of the worst case scenario… Yeah i do agree that ultimately the time will come to sell it one way or another. That’s the benefit of doing it, everything i save will become my equity/asset and yes worst came to worst i have that money! It’s just such a shame because if, God forbid, i ever became single again….id want the house I’m in now. But i suppose everything comes with risks and I’ve got to take the leap someday!

Hello again GoldenGirl, I think that really just proves the point that Peoples' Problems works best when we have more people around to respond and approach threads with their own unique perspectives. Fears about potential regrets with moving around is something I have experienced a lot over the years, so that's something I can draw from for this topic. (There were a few threads last year where, I felt like we all gave decent advice, but it still seemed like we were missing something that a different sort of person might have been able to give more relatable feedback on.) I had to stop and think about it, but I have lived about 11 or 12 different places throughout my life now. I guess that first one doesn't count as much since we moved while I was still a baby, but most of those places have had varying levels of memories associated with them. A few of those places, I sometimes wish I could go back to. It's weird because some of those places no longer exist, or have been remodeled and changed since years ago. Even if you can go back to a place, and it really hasn't changed much at all, it's still changed. A few examples of that... Well, about three years ago I was looking for an apartment, and one place was available in my grandmother's old apartment building, that she hadn't lived in for two decades. So I went and saw it, and the apartment they showed me was okay but not really that impressive. And then the real estate agent told me, "Oh yeah, we do have one other apartment here that will be ready soon..." It turned out to be my grandmother's old apartment, completely refurnished. It was the first time I had set foot in that room in like 20 years. I was overcome with a weird mixture of nostalgia and shock. The place had changed a lot. And yet it hadn't. Everything was where I remembered it being. ...But everything was a lot smaller than I remembered. It was hard to believe we used to fit the entire family in there on holidays. I ended up taking the apartment, and in a way it felt kind of fitting that I was moving into my grandmother's old space. But living there all those years later actually tarnished some of the fond memories I had of it. Another thing worth bringing up once again is my moving away from my old city 6 years ago. I lived in a small studio apartment after I broke up with my ex, and that place kind of became special to me in a weird way since it was the first place I really lived in on my own, alone. At the time I really just wanted to get out of the city and into a nicer apartment closer to where I worked, but I could never afford it on my own. I kept trying to find a friend interested in becoming roommates, or to find a girlfriend who might eventually want to get a place elsewhere, but that never worked out. Then one year I decided to go to a month-to-month lease with that apartment, I guess partly because I wanted to push myself to find something better and partly because if financial issues arose I didn't want to worry about being able to pay several months of my lease yet. For a few months, it looked like things were coming together. I got my old job back. The new guy they hired there became fast friends with me. And he and I soon started making plans to try and find an apartment together near this nice new town center with a movie theater, restaurants, stores and sports bars close by. And that was right about when I was terminated from my job. I wasn't making as much money or getting as many hours at the replacement job I found, and its hours and the work were lousy in comparison to what I had been doing. But I was desperate to cling onto what I had there. I think by that point I realized, I really didn't want to have to move back to my hometown. But something changed. Friends were always busy, and no longer inviting me to hang out. While visiting stores and other places out in public, people seemed to snub me. Going for walks or stopping by parks, the atmosphere was just sort of bleak. And that friend I'd been planning on rooming with before, he hurried up and moved in with this older woman and suddenly he became just as busy as all of my other friends. The literal environment changed right under my nose, and that made it easy to surrender and decide to move away. I'm not sure if that place will ever have the same magic for me that it once did, but I was never able to move back there again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...All of that is to say, the actual places don't ever quite live up to the memories of them. I think places are more than just a physical location. They are a point in time. Maybe holding onto your house just so you have the option to move back into it one day if the need arises might sound like a fair back-up plan. But from my experience you can't ever really go back to a place. Too much changes, and keeps moving on with time. All you can really do is take a leap and keep moving forward. Try to have hope that even if you do need another place to stay in the future, you will find a new one. And you might not love it quite a much as you did your old one, but you'll realize that the old one is pretty much gone, anyway.

> So you sell your house, then what - the end is just the beginning Have a new life ready, to walk into BEFORE you sell

Hi GoldenGirl, Nervous...full of anticipation - yes. Scared - No. I'm not surprised, though. You're failing to notice the huge elephant in the room, despite Manalone pointed it out for you. What - so you prove your love by giving up YOUR home whilst he proves his love by not giving up his?... using what, for all you know at this early stage, could be a LURE: paying no bills (WHY?). You liquidate your one asset, your one insurance against ever becoming homeless, your solely one, untouchable pension, and you can bet that the (now) money will get chipped away at....and chipped away at... This is what your gut is screaming up at you about. The IMMEDIATE power imbalance, right from the word Go.... the very FOUNDATION of your entire relationship, only half-built. Why wouldn't he want a neutral place like guys in-love tend to? Why would he want you dependent on him for the very roof over your head? Is he ignorant about Common Law marriage being a myth and hence, in his over-self-protection, offering No Bills so that you haven't a leg to stand on if ever he did ask you to leave or throw you out? He shouldn't be over-self-protective more than You & He protective. SO HE'S NOT READY EITHER. Certainly not for a 50/50 Partnership. PS: and yes, it is a bad time to sell, ANYWAY, so - "Awwww - bummer", but, End Of Discusson For Now. You can decide to sell after you've lived with him for 2 years and/or when the market's got back to normal - how's that! ...Perfect solution!...since according to his kind offer, he alleges not to want or need your money in the first place.) He could be as nice as pie (and just rushing and scaring himself, too, whereby he needs the upper hand before he can do it). But that unequal foundation will soon turn it toxic. E.g., IF YOU DON'T PAY RENT (officially, legally), YOU HAVE ZERO RIGHTS TO 'YOUR' HOME. So... either he's not thinking straight, either, or he might NOT be as nice as pie...just putting it on. Two years is NOTHING for proving otherwise; only time tells (so stretch it out FGS). You'd better read this long-held, huge, relationship-guru consensus (including other important factors to consider) - and then sing that famous Bond song by Louis Armstrong: 'We Have All The Time In The World'.... PPS: When your people tell you your fear proves it's the wrong decision, are you sure they don't just mean the deciding to sell and move-in, not that the relationship is wrong/not worth going for? Personally, I forward-apologise to your bf and ALL genuinely decent and non-self-obsessed men - for the fact that this advice is necesssary purely BECAUSE there are increasingly too many fake-but-convincing Nice Guys (and Gals) out there, busily trying to romantically long-con people out of their wealth or assets; to halve their own rent; have someone obliged to let them "borrow" money and have sex whenever they want it; get themselves a free 24/7 housekeeper/slave (who daren't leave for loss of confidence).... to socially and financially climb on the backs of unattached women (and worse). So your boyfriend can blame THEM, not you, for being nothing but intelligent, sensible, business-savvy, etc., based on harsh reality. (What normal-healthy man would want anything less in long-term partner, anyway?) We've got him surrounded. I repeat: either (a) he's lovely but panicking, so trying to set-up the permanent upper-hand OR (b) this is a case of 'Come into my parlour', said the Spider to the Fly in slo-mo. Conclusion: BOTH of sell and buy a new home together. (What man etc. wouldn't want a new place?) That way you get to have your cake AND eat it (the one that's yours by-right), whereby you're neither placing yourself at-risk nor asking him to place himself at risk (or vice-versa). IT'S CALLED, *FAIR*.... *EVEN STEVENS*. Does he have a problem with that? (Prove it!) _______________________________________________________ https://discover.hubpages.com/relationships/IsItImportantToMoveIntoANewPlaceTogether ((EXTRACTS)) "Deciding if you are ready to move in together is a big decision. Deciding where to live can potentially be a stressful decision. Should you move in with him, should he move in with you, or should you find a new place to move in together? I get that the excitement of moving in together can cause you to not think with a clear head as to the best place to live for your relationship to successfully grow, however it is important to take the time to really weigh all the pros and cons—his place, your place or a place you find together? And just because his or your place might be bigger, doesn't mean that should be the deciding factor..." "The third guy I lived with I was convinced to move into his place—even though I owned my own condo. For me, finding a place together versus moving into a guy’s place was a totally different experience. Moving in with a guy—with no plans of finding our own place—ended up not being the best decision—and it didn't help our relationship in the long run. When my boyfriend (at the time) asked me to move in with him he sold the idea like a top salesman selling a Porsche SUV. He gave me all the luxury points—his place was much bigger, he talked about all the romantic dinners we would have on his sky rise balcony, pool parties and barbecues by the pool, relaxing moments in the hot tub and he would let me redecorate his place the way I wanted—even giving up his walk-in closet so that I would have room to fit all my clothes and shoes. A girls dream! Although I was never keen on the idea of moving in with a guy, my Ex made it sound very appealing so I decided to take the leap..." "I'm not saying that you can't successfully move into a significant others place and maintain a healthy relationship, it would all depend on various points. 9 important things to know and discuss BEFORE moving in with a significant other: ..." ((ARTICLE CONTINUES)) _________________________________________________________ Put it this way (and this is why I've suddenly got verbal diarrheoa): When I read your opening post and the structure of the 'deal', even *I* panicked. Why put your relationship or your future security at ANY risk if you don't have to. Safe AND Happy. You can have both. :)