I don’t know if I was love or just a stepping stone

I’ve been working at the same place for over three years. When I first started there, I was in a long-term relationship that was already slowly dying. At work, there was this beautiful girl who immediately caught my attention. But I never made a move, because I was still in a relationship and I did love my girlfriend at the time. Later I found out this girl has two kids from two different fathers, and she was still living with one of them in a bad relationship. When I learned that, I decided to let it go and not try to get closer to her. About a year and a half ago, I broke up with my long-term girlfriend. After that I dated a bit (Tinder, etc.), but I still had feelings for this girl from work. About six months ago, completely by accident, we ended up working together more closely for a while. I was so nervous around her that she asked me what was wrong. I decided to be honest and told her I liked her. She told me she liked me too and would like to get to know me better. Because of her two kids, we could only meet after work for short periods. She was still living with one of the fathers, who was emotionally abusive towards her every day. As things between us developed, she gained the strength to move out and rent her own apartment in December. I supported her the whole month — emotionally and practically — because she was afraid to tell him immediately that she was leaving. In January she finally moved into her fully renovated apartment. And then, around mid-January, everything changed. She told me it was all too much too fast — new apartment, raising two kids alone (even though she was basically already doing that), and that she has been going from relationship to relationship and never had time to truly be alone and find herself. Now she says she needs distance, but she doesn’t want to break up. I can see she acts neutral with everyone, but this situation is driving me crazy. I feel like maybe I was just a crutch — someone who helped her get out of a bad situation. Sometimes we talk about the situation. She still gives me a kiss on the lips, but I’m scared she’s only doing that because she doesn’t want to hurt me. She barely reaches out during the afternoons, but if I don’t text her that I’m okay, she complains about it. I honestly don’t understand what’s happening. I’m not necessarily looking for advice. I just don’t have anyone to share this with. But if anyone has been in a similar situation, I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts. Right now I’m at the point where I’m thinking about quitting my job and moving far away, just so I don’t accidentally run into her anymore. Thanks for reading.

Some big red flags here; one major one being she was still with an emotionally abusive guy who just happened to be the father of one of her kids when she was 'seeing' you. Another is she doesn't want to break up but were you guys really a couple? or just a convenience? & sorry, but you can't be in a successful relationship & be on someone's string. It just won't work. A couple of things to ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone who has two kids? & if she's doing all the talking in this 'relationship' & you know, she wants this & she wants that... but then what is it about her that you actually like? do you know her values & her standards? & do you share them?.... because right now, you want to run & that's your gut talking to you...& bloke, take your thought further because this woman has already hurt you & still is hurting you because you're allowing it.

Hi PRWLM, I'll start by saying I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and I can understand how you might feel sort of used. You've been around this person for about 3 years, and in the last 6 months you've felt like you'd entered the home stretch and the beginnings of a future with them. So it's a bit of a rug-pull to see that once one issue is solved, another presents itself. And Manalone makes several good points. With an emotionally-abusive guy: Red flag. Seeing someone else while she's dating you: Red flag. Kids with 2 different dads: Red flag. Only able to see you for short moments after work: You guessed it, Red flag. I've been in a similar situation or two before, so I can understand where you're coming from. But even you gotta admit that you saw all of these warning signs and chose to look past them. And I'm not saying there aren't women who have similar baggage in their lives that are worth every bit of the hassle to be with. But in most cases, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's probably a duck. Unfortunately, I guess sometimes people are the thing that any 3-minute sizing-up of them would infer. ...But honestly, my thoughts are that the outcome isn't all bad. I know you really liked this woman, and you've spent the better part of 3 years wanting her, but at the very least you helped a person you like get into a better situation. She has her own life, her own independence she can begin maintaining now, and that is big. Imagine if you were in a similar situation - unable to get ahead in life, kids depending on you, you're with someone you hate... And then someone comes along and empowers you to get something better for yourself. That could be life-changing. Maybe this isn't all about you, as much as it sucks that you didn't necessarily get all that you wanted. You did a good deed, and helped someone. And I'm sure good karma comes from that in some way, though maybe it just hasn't quite manifested yet. And you know, I think that woman is probably 100% right, and is looking at things the correct way. She probably feels like crap, looking like the woman who hops from relationship to relationship. She might even feel bad that she had kids with two different people. What she does need right now is space, and to be her own person, and not just feel like she's someone's woman all of the time. Give her some space. And, not that I would necessarily expect something to happen with her for sure, her assurance that you are still together and that she likes you is very promising. At worst, you helped someone. At best, you will finally be together one day. But maybe you've made a friend, at least. At any rate, I am sure she is grateful for you helping her break free from her prison cell. ...And hopefully you are understanding of why she isn't so eager to just jump right back into another jail.

If nothin changes, everythin remains the same

What will you gain by knowin, if love or just a steppin stone ? > If you WERE love then what? If you WERE a steppin stone then what? > Why do you NEED a label ? It is what it is, a thing of the past - call it whatever you want

Re: I’m thinking about quitting my job and moving far away, just so I don’t accidentally run into her anymore. > a red car is a red car where ever it is parked You can park it somewhere else but the car is still red quitting your job and moving far away will NOT change anythin - it will just give you more problems to solve (parkin the red car somewhere else) Forget the 2 kids part, that just confuses the issue - it is still a red car