Something needs to change

Hi everyone, I have this friend I’ve known (~11 years) and I can say she is my closest of friend. As someone who moved a lot as a child, I didn’t have the chance to make a lot of connections or friendships so when I met her, I latched on super tightly and began to feel really attached (texting everyday). It’s been like that for the entirety of our relationship but now since we’ve gone off to college, texting so much is becoming detrimental to making relationships and having our own lives outside of each other. I’ve always been a super jealous and possessive person when it comes to this person even when we’re together — I would always have mood shifts when she would give more attention to other people and become really withdrawn. I think I was fairly good at masking it so she wouldn’t know since I’m completely aware of how irrational and toxic my reactions are. I’m at the point at college with all the physical distance between us that I completely spiral out when she’s out with other people and there’s this terrible ache in my chest and I just feel like complete shit. She’s always on my mind even when I’m with other people so a lot of the time my social interactions are cheapened knowing that these new relationships aren’t like the one I have with her. The thing is that I know how completely dysfunctional and stupid and toxic this whole situation and the sensible thing to immediately do is put distance from her asap and have new friends and hobbies. I know what needs to be done but I literally cannot take any actionable steps because I am too scared to potentially lose this friendship I have with her and no one will ever compare. I’m at the point in my life where my relationship with her is more harmful and debilitating than actually fulfilling (all because of me, she doesn’t know any of this) and I can’t go through the day without feeling absolutely miserable and empty and toxic. She went out w her friends today and I started spiraling out and typing this. It’s just constant dull ache in my chest like I can’t breathe. I can’t continue like this.

You cannot continue like this. You are harming yourself emotionally. Everyone has different friend groups or interests, and you need to create an identity and life outside this friendship circle. You are disadvantaging yourself by behaving this way. You crave belonging and connection, which is why you latch onto someone who gives you a sense of who you are. Don’t let her be with friends outside of you bother you so much. What is the worst that can happen? You lose her friendship. You are already on this path, and you say she has no idea. People are intuitive, and deep inside she knows. It is a problem, so stop reacting and form an identity outside of this person. When she goes out with friends, do something different. Go to a coffee shop, read a book, take a walk, do something that brings you joy. Don’t let it bother you. You cannot be an all-consuming person; this is toxic behaviour and will only get worse if you don’t change this now. Try having friends outside this friendship to understand that it’s okay to venture beyond your circle of safety. No new relationship will be the same, and that’s the beauty of knowing different people. You learn different things and grow into a better person as you travel your path in life. The sensible approach is not to create distance but to set boundaries. I don’t have an answer for what the boundary is, but just reacting every time she gets on with her life is making you unhappy.

(Something needs to change) > If nothin changes - everythin remains the same

Hello Ham, As someone who hasn't had very many deep and long-lasting friendships in life, I can kind of relate. So I guess throughout my life I've always sort of wanted good friends, people who "get" me and have that deep connection with me as a person. (I've also always been... Really introspective and kind of like being alone, though.) Actually, a bit topical since it just came back recently, but kind of like in the TV show Scrubs, I used to see the friendship between the two main characters JD and Turk in that and hope for a friendship as strong as that one day. You don't specify whether you're a man or a woman, and I'm not sure whether that even matters, but I will say that as a male it has always been difficult to find those deep and worthwhile friendships in life. Probably my closest friend in my life is a guy I've talked to for not quite 20 years and got to meet in person once so far. We don't even see eye-to-eye on a lot of stuff, still. But I think his perspective and "aura" brings out a good part of me that lets stuff go and appreciates the weirdness in life, rather than getting angrier and more stressed. So I guess I have this other friend that kind of reminds me more of your situation. He was probably the best friend I had in person in life so far. I worked at this job and it wasn't going so great the first year. The managers had me help out in another department a few times. The workers from that department liked how I worked with them and kept suggesting I change departments. So, I did. ...And things still mostly sucked for like another half a year. But one guy who only worked with us in that department like 2 or 3 days a week took notice of me, and he became the only friend I had in that department for a while, and that helped me keep going and not give up on the job. I looked forward to the end of the week when he'd be back, and those were usually better days. Eventually he took the job full-time and quit his other jobs, and we worked together every day. Then, a short while later, we started going to supper together every day. Then we would hang out after work, or meet up on weekends and go places. Sometimes even go grab lunch before we went into work. And yeah, it was a far better friendship than I'd had with most other people over the years. And for about six years it went on like that. After my girlfriend and I broke up, and I moved out on my own, I realized that my friendships were now a greater priority to me than that relationship. But now that I had those, it made getting through that breakup manageable. Well, so by the end we had like this whole group of work-friends. Some of them I was closer to than others. But it seemed like things were changing for everyone else in their lives while I just kept going in circles. Everyone was getting into new relationships, raising kids, hanging out with the people who lived closer to them and owned nice houses. I couldn't really afford anything anymore and had to move away. That particular friend and I stayed in touch, and none of those other people really did. But it's been about six years now since those six years ended... (Man, is there something about the number six???) ...And I think maybe that friendship is becoming a little "archived" now. Do I think we're on bad terms or that we aren't friends anymore? No. But we're not really a part of each others' lives quite like we were when we were in the trenches together at our old job. I don't know, maybe one day I'll find myself back there in that place, around those people again, and they'll want to pick up where we left off from. You and your friend may do the same. A lot can change in 6 years. I guess that's my new motto, now.

I just want to add that my relationship with my ex-girlfriend also lasted for six years. <_<

...And hey, you know, there's nothing weird about talking about this situation and how it's bothering you with your friend. If they're a worthwhile friend, they probably won't mind talking about it. Actually, one thing I had wanted to mention was how that friend I brought up had a lot of other friends early on, so I found myself in a similar situation. They made a really good point one time about how usually it's most productive to check in with each of your friends one-by-one for a bit, until you're all caught up and run out of things to talk about, and then move on to the next one. I've always thought it sounded like a fair outlook on friendship-management. Putting all of your eggs in one basket is usually never the preferred style, anyway. It's better to spread the wealth if you can.

Hi Ham! I think you're being too hard on yourself. Toxic, no. Emotionally over-dependent, yes. (If you were doing/saying things to HURT her, then you'd classify as toxic. But anyway, you're too self-aware to be a toxic so we're not going to use that word any more.) But so what if you're dependent on her for your sense of security, because - how could you NOT be when she's your first-ever, proper connection and you're newly in a place where the last thing you feel capable of doing is making new friends (Catch 22 or what!). I say that because you sound as if you're suffering from a bit of General Anxiety Disorder (i.e. your stress/anxiety 'LP needle' has got stuck in a groove and needs a quick jog...Been There, Done that!), which can create an exacerbative cycle in terms of being convinced you depend that much on her. So your first change needs to be to see your GP who can give you a step-stool in the form of an anti-anxiety prescription (FYI the No. 1 is Citalopram or its 'sibling' Escitalopram, and it need only be for a couple of months). Alternatively, you can do it via nutrition. You might be suffering from lack of Vit D, for example (it does a great impression of depression and anxiety which one can mistakenly start pinning onto tangible things). Then you'll start to increasingly FEEL sociably functional, as well as HAVE the confidence to go out and about by yourself (people-watching outside cafes with a book/newspaper?). Or/and, as our regular poster Balance invites, can hang-out here and talk everything through, even become a regular yourself and get involved in the people here's lives? That'll help too....looking more outside of yourself. You just need a starter back-up safetynet under your main safetynet (her), while you make these little changes (that have surprisingly significant knock-ons), IN-CASE the friendship dissolves. That way, if there's GOING to be an eventual parting of the ways, you'll be perfectly ready for it practically and emotionally and not scared of it AT ALL. They all jog the needle and that's the point. And then, on the up-side, if there ISN'T any parting of ways, you've baby-steps-increased your friendship calibre. Win/Win. Furthermore, you might well find that making these tiny tweaks IMPROVE yours and her relationship so that it NEVER ends. Win/Win/Win! Question, though...just to check: she doesn't do things to exacerbate your insecurity, does she?...to take advantage of your vulnerable position? Or isn't being sensitive enough to your position? Anyway, it is just a position. Won't last. I think it's safe to say everyone here's been where you are at some point, and unfortunately it's a standard part of your age/stage developmental programme, to wander lonely through the desert for a while but-which-feels-permanent. So don't waste your energy panicking. Any of that chiming with you?

Another 'just-wanna-check'. Might you be Grieving out of the relationship whilst you're still in it ('so that it won't hurt when it happens')? All because you're convinced she's slowly-but-surely leaving you?

Ham, kudos for recognizing that your emotions are the root of your pain. Finding other friends will not solve it. Learning what is driving your intense insecurity and how to resolve it for yourself is your only way forward. Find a therapist that can help you identify the issues in yourself that is driving this. Your feelings are a symptom of deep emotional trauma (we all have some) and no one can heal that but you.

(Aye, that we all do.) Meantime, Ham - if you like - feel free to stick around and unload your baggage with a sense of safety as well as our support? :) Same goes for if you have an anxiety or, god forbid, panic-attack. Have it here, don't suffer it alone. (((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))

First I'd like to say I think you got some good responses to your post. I also want to applaud you for being so open about yourself and emotions you dealing with. Your honesty was impressive. A lot of times as we grow up and move forward with our lives we slowly lose track of our childhood and teenage friend. Not intentionally, we just get pulled in other directions. It's part of growing up. But some friendships stand the test of time. You might consider talking to her and let her know how much the friendship means to you. Let her know your concerned that now that your grown and at different schools you don't want the distance to diminish the friendship. Perhaps you could agree to talk or text or twice a week nomater what, or set a special day or time to reachout and spend with one another.Your own special time. Or agree to always be there for one another. Whatever would work for yall. Make sure you honor any commitment made between yall. Feelings aren't wrong, there just feelings. But actions we take in response to them can be. They may not be appropriate and can come from a place of hurt or brokeness.if they are too extreme they may be a sign that something inside us needs some attention, help,or healing.dont be afraid to examine yourself to find out what's the cause if you feel your emotions are out-of-bounds.and don't be shy to seek help if needed. If you do talk to your friend about this you don't have to tell everything your feeling. That may or may not be appropriate depending on your relationship. To much info could be overwhelming or harmful.You know her best. Remember she has not done anything wrong by making new friends.But if you denied yourself the same opportunity your doing yourself an injustice. Even if it's awkward or doesn't come easy, you should put the effort in and developed new relationship in your life. It will be a blessing to you. Each relationship is a chance to learn how to have better relationships. More friendships is more opertunity to learn how to be a better friend. And this may even improve you and your friends friendship. Remember this: We are not given a finite amount of love that we must divide between all we care for. No. We have inside us an infinite amount of love to express towards each and every person we love.loving one person nomatter how much never limits the love we still have to give another. A concept jealousy does not understand.