Dysfunctional relationship ...maybe

I have been in a long-term relationship, and my partner has a daughter who is now 21. Her age is relevant because I have known her since she was nine years old. She would spend every second weekend at our house. Over the years, our relationship was cordial but distant. Her mother was often difficult, and her daughter tended to follow her lead. Because of that, I was always cautious. If I ever corrected her or set a simple boundary — such as asking her to tidy her room before leaving — I worried it might result in her refusing to see her father. I didn’t want her to say she wasn’t coming over because of me. So I kept my distance, remained polite, and avoided conflict. Each Christmas, she receives gift vouchers worth $700. In addition, I would always buy her thoughtful extras — small gifts from places like Cotton On or Mecca — so she had something tangible to open on the day. When she turned 18, everything changed. I bought her similar Christmas presents to those of previous years, but apparently, they were no longer good enough. This resulted in an epic meltdown on her part, and she refused to visit us after this, indicating that I was a problem for her. Apparently, she has never liked her presents and specifically had an issue with me cleaning her room when she did not stay with us, saying that I had no right to enter her bedroom without her permission. I attempted three times to resolve whatever the issue was. Importantly, she never actually spoke to me directly about what upset her. I even sent her a message that read, verbatim, “I am sorry for any pain I have caused you.” She ignored the message. How we got here is beyond believable. The situation escalated dramatically. She lodged a formal complaint against me at my workplace for alleged misconduct. The complaint was found to be unsubstantiated, but I was placed on leave for six weeks while it was investigated, and I required that time for my mental well-being. For me, this was the point of no return. I cannot and will not attempt to reconcile with her unless she apologises for involving my workplace in what I believe was a completely unreasonable reaction to issues I have yet to know the true cause of. She shows no remorse and carries herself with a sense of entitlement — as though being my partner’s daughter exempts her from responsibility. My partner was supportive throughout, but I feel he enables her behaviour. He does not hold her accountable or tell her that her actions were unacceptable. Since that incident, I have had no contact with her and refuse to attend any family functions, Christmas etc if she will be there, I want no contact. Recently, however, we had to attend a funeral. For two weeks, my partner and his daughter discussed her attendance without consulting me at all. The evening before, I was told she would be attending and that we would all be travelling together in the same car. I was shocked. I felt blindsided. I couldn’t withdraw from attending the funeral, but the situation has left me questioning why I am in this relationship at all. I don’t know where to go from here, I feel this will always continue and that it would probably be best for me if I left and started over …. I am so lost. Any thoughts or opinions welcome….

Yep it's time to understand just where you fit in. It's doesn't matter what you do or don't do, you'll be damned if you do & damned if you don't...a no win situation. Your partner's actions are speaking & her daughter is nothing but a coat enabled by her mother. You come across in your post as walking on egg shells & if that's the type of relationship that you've had for the past 11 or so years then it's no wonder it's eventually blown up in your face. If you're not treated with respect, then don't bother waiting for it. Furthermore you'll find that you're not the only one who is treated like something under this little cow's shoe...or her mothers. You need to give people who harbour that attitude the finger quick smart. In other words, don't waste your time with people who don't have time for you no matter what their excuse is & who they apparently are. It easy to say but damn hard to do to get yourself into another environment where your own values & standards will be reflected back to you - where you will be appreciated - where you will still be valued whether they agree with your opinion or not. I speak through personal experience where my then GF's daughter was exactly like the one you describe. I bent over backwards for her only to find in the end that she never did like me etc but took my money, my gifts & my time & the funny part was when I found this out my eyes were opened to her mother at the same time who was empowering things behind my back. I packed my gear, told my GF to her face what she & her daughter were, walked out & never looked back. Yep, it was hard but what doesn't kill us only makes us tougher...& more experienced.

Hi DesertHex, Yeah, it's when this spills over into your work life for no foreseeable reason whatsoever, that it just seems like too much of a hassle to deal with anymore. Respect really is the name of the game here. I get that your partner's daughter may have a bone to pick over certain issues, but she has to try to meet you half-way and be more respectful with how she goes about it, and with how she treats you. Gotta give respect to get respect sometimes, and this is one of those situations. Furthermore, she disrespected you at work, so now SHE'S got to work harder to EARN back your respect. She is 21 now and pretty much an adult, so you could try to have a civil discussion and just explain, the work misconduct complaint was completely uncalled for and extremely disrespectful. If she has something to say to you she can say it to you, rather than going about things in this petty and indirect way that is harmful to your reputation and what you do for income. Give her the benefit of the doubt and the chance to rectify the situation since she is a young adult, after all. But depending on the outcome of this whole situation, that should be your sign whether to stick things out and let bygones be bygones for now, or to get out of this whole pathetic situation and get some peace and quiet away from these dramatic people.

baicaly - life happens, things happen people find a way ... Whilst you are confused - that IS the problem - the real problem here IS you don`t know what you want - so just floatin from one thing to another Decide what you would like - then make it happen First you need a clear idea of what you would like. Then control the controllables > Draw a line where you are now Draw a line where you would like to be - be rea;istic, or there is not any point Now make it happen - be where you would like to be > Standin at the bottom of the stairs (where you are now) You would like to be at the top of the stairs (where you would like to be) > Now what are the ways, what do you have to be at the top of the stairs You can get to the stop of the stairs; 1) from the top (parachute in ) 2) be beamed directly there - Star Trek style 3) the easiest way, climb the stairs from the bottom and work your way up to the top take that idea and apply it to your problem (start from the bottom and work your way up to the top) Just because you are in the same area, does not mean that you have to meet There are ways to successfully avoid Religion a set, cult can enable your paths not to cross Several religious groups and specific interpretations of faith incorporate tenets that limit, structure, or prohibit close social connection with those outside their, or with the broader, secular world. These practices are often designed to maintain spiritual purity, avoid moral contamination, or preserve a distinct group identity. Wikipedia Wikipedia +4 Here are examples of how some religions or groups restrict connection with others: Jehovah’s Witnesses: Members are instructed to remain "separate from the world" which they view as under the control of Satan. They are urged to limit social contact with non-Witnesses, and, while they may have professional contact, they are discouraged from forming close friendships outside the faith. Shunning (Jehovah's Witnesses): If a member violates strict moral codes or leaves the faith, they may be subject to "disfellowshipping" or "removal" which demands that other Witnesses, including family members in some cases, cease or minimize contact with them. Islamic Interpretation of Friendship: While Islam encourages kind and just treatment of non-Muslims, certain interpretations of the Quran (e.g., 5:51) are used to advise against taking non-believers as "intimate friends" or "allies" to protect against negative influence. However, this is heavily debated, with many scholars emphasizing that such restrictions were historically contextual, focusing on non-Muslims who were actively fighting or opposing the Muslim community. Interfaith Marriage Bans: Many conservative branches of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam prohibit or strictly discourage marriage outside their faith to ensure the continuation of their traditions and prevent the assimilation of their members. Orthodox/Insular Communities: Some groups, such as certain Orthodox Jewish communities or specific, insular Christian sects, may limit interactions to maintain a high level of religious observance, viewing outside influence as harmful to their children or lifestyle. Work with the idea and apply it to your needs

You're in a tough spot, no doubt. Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where someone has to choose between impossible things. You have to choose between your own needs and staying with your partner. He has to choose between standing by you or standing by his daughter. It sounds like he's trying to straddle the fence and I personally, cannot see how that works but full disclosure, we're deep in my own issues here. I've lived something similar except that in my case, my partner chose to unequivocally stand with me, which cost him his relationship with his son. I still don't understand why the choice was necessary to begin with, but it was the choice we were left with for, like you, reasons that are still a mystery to me. I don't know what I would have done if he had not chosen to stand with me. It would have felt like an enormous betrayal and abandonment. He did try - we both did - to work through it, but whatever was going on, it wasn't rational. And it ultimately cost him enormously. He is the one who feels abandoned and betrayed by his son. It sucks. Nobody really wins. So, no good answer here. Find support. Know you are loved. Love yourself. Do your best to make lemonade.

Hi DesertHex, "My partner was supportive throughout, but I feel he enables her behaviour. He does not hold her accountable or tell her that her actions were unacceptable." If he enables her behaviour (i.e. he wasn't the one to confront and put her straight, not even for having DARED do something so serious and potentially destructive as (scuse French) uck-around with your very career and livelihood...not to mention so Anti-Social), then,.....HOW IS THAT SUPPORTIVE? Please describe his 'support'? Secondly, emotionally controlling/manipulating you - AND after having confiding in - plotting? - about it behind your back with his daughter (whom should have still been 'in the stocks') - AND when you were over a barrel (unable not to attend the funeral)... that smacks heavily of Coercive, Narcissistic behaviour AND psychopathic opportunism. Talk about Ambushed and Railroaded?! ...And how the heck does that flaunting in-front of her of gross disrespect toward you, teach his *daughter* to show you respect? Teaches the very OPPOSITE, wouldn't you say?! His whole repertoire, as described by you, in and between the lines, included. So as I say, I'm GAGGING to know what you call 'supportive throughout'? RSvP, ma disappointeed and disillusioned cherie. (Commiserations, btw.)

PS: Could it be that this whole family is emotionally thick/self-unaware, compared to you, and it's taken all this time to see behind the facade? Did matey manage to convince you in the beginning that he was "JUST LIKE YOU!"?

Hi DESERTHEX I am new to this forum, signed up today. You say partner and I assumed you are not married? When forming relationships with partners who have children from past relationships they all come as a package and the other parent of a partner`s child can be a third party in the relationship. I doubt the situation will change and considering you`re not married to your partner have to decide your way forward.

Hi Gameopoly, welcome to the forums! Definitely good to see more new people around here, since different perspectives can really help out and offer up unique advice. I also wanted to say to Deserthex, sorry if my advice came off as kind of rude with the whole "pathetic" thing. In hindsight, that came off a lot more rude than I'd meant it to be. I think as I was reading the post, even I became frustrated at the situation. I also tend to drink some nights while I'm responding to posts, and I might have just had a mood towards your situation like, "Well yeah, get away from this drama!" So I didn't mean to make it sound like you're pathetic, or this post was pathetic, or anything like that. Just needed to clear the air there.

While the Daughter is a problem, she is not the problem you should focus on. I say this because between her age and entitlement I doubt you will see much change there any time soon, if ever. What she did at your job is and should be unacceptable. If there was no suitable negative outcome for her behind this behavior you can bet there's more to come. The fact that the harm done to you came from someone your partner has a major relationship with and your partner wasn't hurt enough to take a stand and draw a line seeing such injustice done to you, speaks volumes. You need to ask yourself is everything else in this relationship good enough that your willing to live with situations like this happening to keep the relationship.If not you need to decide if there's anything he could do different that would make continuing this relationship possible, and let him know exactly what you need to happen to continue in said relationship. Otherwise you may find there's no workable solutions to this situation and you need to find other options for your future. There's a lot to consider : how bad is it, how often does it happen or cause problems, how much are you willing to endure. What's the relationship worth to you? And I can't help but think, sooner or later the question of "what's the relationship worth to him?" Will have to be addressed.

I want to apologize for referring to your partner as a him,please replace that with what is appropriate.hopefully this will not hinder you from using any helpful advise here

No, you were right, TruthSeeker - he is a 'him': "My partner was supportive throughout, but I feel he enables" :)

Re: ... it would probably be best for me if I left and started over …. I am so lost > You DON`T have to leave, to start over - that WOULD just be runnin AWAY You WILL still take the problem WITH you, it (the problem) WILL just be somewhere else > (... left) startin over somewhere else (takin the problem WITH you) is NOT what you need to do. You CAN start over EXACTLY where you are, saves all of the trouble WITH relocating > God loves you and God cares about you YOU DON`T have to be religious to, love God, to go to church Just go to church, turn up sit and listen It WILL come to you what you have to do next Once you have started you will be glad you did

100 BILLION people world wide can`t ALL be WRONG