The regret and guilt is eating me (21f)

He broke up with me.A misunderstanding happened between us something that would have been completely avoidable. He asked for space one weekend and since he had never asked for that during our 2 year relationship and he hadn't told me anything about his week i assumed he didn't want to see me because he was upset and was keeping a distance. I called him to talk things through and asked if everything is ok between us. He said not really so my belief that he has something with me grew stronger. He told me he had a tough week and asked him why he didn't tell anything about this, anything sboit how his week went and he said because he doesn't feel like i understand him. I got emotional and told him the only thing i want is to be there for him and give him a hug but he doesn't want that so i will wait till next weekend. Asked if he at least wanted to see eachother for a few hours but he said no. I told him that he is my strength and i find comfort in the weekend because it's time to see him. I thought i was being thoughtful.However there was no problem. He didn't have an issue with me at all just wanted time for himself and i had misunderstood. So, i was unintentionally pressuring him and trying to solve a problem that didn't exist. The phone call made him believe thay his needs hurt me and i can't handle his alone time whereas if i had understood that he didn't have an issue with me i wouldn't care giving him space and i wouldn't have cried like an idiot. He told me he just needed 2 days alone and i should have just given him that and what i told him lately was painful for him. And i thought he was referring to the previous month, that what happened was so painful to him that he was fed up and wanted alone time for me. So i started explaining myself about then and he told me there is no communication between and i told him because what happened then brought here( which was wrong because there was no connection to then and now ). He stopped eating and sleeping. He lost trust in me, said he doesn't know whether it's worth fighting for someone who brought him to this point and he felt like the more he talks to me the less i understand him( which was true because of the misunderstanding). He asked why did this had to happen to him, what did he do to deserve this and i told him, what did he do to deserve such pressure and i told him i am sorry and i apologised saying i felt a bit unfair because we promised to go on a date once per month and we didn't that's why i kept asking. My answer was entirely wrong because i thought he was asking about the previous month, i was stuck there when the answer was about the now and the correct answer was because i thought you were mad at me for something and pulled away. That's what i had to say but didn't. We discussed things in person and agreed on some things but the next day he told me that at least if we break up we will be freed from this and i asked so if you were ok you would break up with me ? He told me this showed that we don't communicate at all and i apologised saying i misunderstandood out of fear and i get what he means i am not an idiot. He said that he will go to a different room and he doesn't want me to talk to him till the next day. I asked him to at least tell me what i did and he said i talked very rudely and i tried to communicate to him that this wasn't the case at all and that he is overwhelmed. He told me done and i said ok but please understand that i really didn't say anything and he said stop and he had a panic attack. He told me that he had so many plans about us and I destroyed everything and asked why couldn't we be like before, why did I have to bring us to this point and do this to him. He told me it would probably take him weeks to be able to face me in person again. So he broke up with me thinking we are incompatible and i can't handle him because i want outings and can't stand giving him space which was far from the truth. After the break up he said I manipulated him, i never respected him and he despises me. A few months have passed and he found a new girl but I can't move I feel stupid and think that any other girl wouldn't have made such a stupid mistake. He told me he doesn't make me happy and i told him he does. He said if he did then i wouldn't complain about outings and i told him just because i complained it doesn't mean the relationship is bad for me or that i wish he was someone else. I told him from now on he is not the only one i can hangout with and we will find a solution and he said if this was true this whole thing wouldn't have happened . I apologized for everything said i would never do smth line that but he was worried that since it took all this for ke to understand him he may go through something like that again. He left the relationship without the misunderstanding being cleared out and now i can do nothing about this. This is so painful i don't know what to do, honestly.

Hi Iamanonymous, So if I am understanding your situation, your ex of 2 years randomly asked for time alone one weekend. You called and asked him if everything between the two of you was okay, he said not really. He said he had a tough week, you asked why he didn't mention that, he said because he doesn't think you understand him... Well, I can see where you might think that he has an issue with you - holy mixed signals! I will admit that your post is a little difficult for me to follow, but it sounds like every time you talked to this guy he said you two don't communicate real well, and he continually made it sound as though you two being together was a burden for him. I am getting the picture that maybe you two just aren't compatible, and it might not come down to a misunderstanding at all. I mean, if you both went through all of this and he kept reacting like that, then clearly you weren't on the same page and weren't understanding each other. He moved on and found another girlfriend. It's been a few months. I can understand that you're still bothered by feeling like things are unresolved. But honestly it sounds like you are letting this eat away at you way too much. He obviously thought your relationship was unhealthy and it wasn't working for him, so he broke up with you and put it behind him. You have been agonizing over whether things would be any different if you had cleared the air over this one perceived misunderstanding. I don't think they would! The guy didn't seem mentally or physically happy being with you, and honestly, why would you even want to be with him if he doesn't seem happy to be with you? You're giving this old relationship too much power and too much energy in your mind. I'd try to let go of it and stop worrying over what-ifs. The fact of the matter is, that's all irrelevant now. And he didn't love you enough to want to try and work through anything with you. He decided the best course of action was if the two of you went your separate ways. And maybe it was, if he didn't have the same communication style and attachment style as you. I can see wanting alone time now and then, and it being good for your relationship's well-being even if it has nothing to do with the relationship. But the picture you've painted suggests he was frustrated with your relationship and that was part of the reason why he wanted to be alone. My advice is to move on from thinking about this relationship and obsessing over it so much long after the fact. Have your own weekend of "alone time", and go treat yourself to days of doing things you enjoy. Make an effort not to think about this guy much at all during that weekend, and instead have fun appreciating things in life that have nothing to do with him. Like a great cup of coffee somewhere, or a visit to a store you don't get to visit very often. Or a nice, long walk somewhere beautiful and not too busy. Yeah, that kind of stuff. Clear your mind of the negativity and replace it with some positive vibes.

The thing is that this behaviour was misunderstanding and since it was my first relationship ever i was in the process of learning how to do somethings. Now that i am healed i would never behave like that and i miss him because he truly was someone I loved very dearly and saw a future with. And i know it doesn't matter now but I regret losing him so much and because of my immaturity.

Also, i wrote misunderstanding because it truly was. He believed we are incompatible because I can't stand his need for space while my issue was that i thought he was distancing himself because the issue was with me. So we lost eachother for this over nothing else. And it's so stupid

Hi IAmAnonymous! Yes, it does matter - for the simple fact it's still preying on your mind. You need Closure. But he refused to give it to you (all he gave you - go google - was "narcissistic Word Salad", ergo, it didn't make sense (and that's what he wanted)). Those two highly characteristic narc behaviours (amongst others) is what makes me heavily suspect you've had an, in actual fact, lucky escape from becoming trapped long-term with a Covert Narcissist. Those and the fact it's STILL keeping you unsettled from ongoing frustration. "He believed we are incompatible because I can't stand his need for space while my issue was that i thought he was distancing himself because the issue was with me. So we lost eachother for this over nothing else. And it's so stupid". Only if you keep viewing him as a normal man, one WANTING a normal, healthy relationship. If you view him through the Narc (or Narc-behaviour) Lens - he and what he nonsensically blathered (and twisted) - make perfect sense. FYI, no healthy victim can stand their brand of "needing space". Because it's narcissistic abuse, called "The Narcissist's Silent Treatment". You'd better Google it. Overts shamelessly let-rip with tantrums you only expect to see a toddler pull; Coverts give you the Silent Treatment (and plot revenge). Narc-Sociopaths and Narc-Psychopaths ("Secondary Psychopaths")) will do either or both together. But before you google, and because I've very little time this fortnight to post - read the following. I typed, "what excuses did a narcissist use to discard you", and, "when narcissists make up excuses to suddenly discard you", in that order, and was satisfied with the A1 entries. You can also Google "narcissistic cycle of abuse romantic relationship", and, "narcissistic idealise, devalue, discard" (which can be a real and final discard (cut off) or one where you THINK they've cut you off but yet they've deliberately left you still gagging for answers/enlightenment). This is so that you're more likely to agree to take them back (even apologise to them for what THEY started/created!) whenever it might suit them to (google) "Hoover" you. You'll agree to anything in your weakened state because they've got something above all else that you badly need: the closure and understanding of what the heck was happening. Basically, if they leave you permanently confused and wondering - *they haven't left you*; they've kept you more willing than you would be to get back into the relationship, for those sanity-preserving ANSWERS. Men who end the relationship prove it by ensuring to give you that closure SO THAT neither of you will have to make contact again (which could upset the applecart). That's what Ending It means. I suppose, as he's still young - rather than narcissistic per se, he could JUST be highly immature, still?...and a huge coward? Possibly. My point is - in your posts I see the Covert-Narc Romantic Relationship *Playbook* having been played out.... An Old Chestnut. Overall, I suspect he's "Lilypad-Leaped"....that he'd not wanted to get rid of you unless and until such time as he'd organised a BETTER lilypad to leap seamlessly to (they have being alone/sex-on-tap-less). I.e. someone who's still under his spell or does't know him well enough... Thus helps him to convince himself that he's fab no matter HOW relationship-uncooperative, neglectful, insulting he can't help but subtly (cowardlyly) choose to be (bar when first trying to hook you). Maybe he didn't want to take you on nights out because he'd started spending money on Love-Bombing her behind your back? Basically, you advocated and stood up for yourself too well (hence he had no answer save for slippery Word Salad). There are easier "fans" out there - who'll take even worse treatment (so he hopes/believes...again), and just DROP their protest/request for accountability and explanation when he's threatening them with ending the relationship (- Narcs take risks so reach as a first resort to things that are so potentially ruinous to us normals that for us it would be a measure that was very LAST resort). You were basically pushing for the answer he owed you. You had been all along proving to be a baaaaad emotional slave/plaything/ego-panderer-pumper (well done!) So see if any of these explanations make your brain go "Pinggggg!".... _________________________________________________________________________________________________ AI Overview "Narcissists often initiate a sudden, cold "discard" when you stop providing "narcissistic supply"—the admiration, attention, and compliance they require to maintain their ego . The excuses used during this phase are designed to avoid accountability, shift blame, and protect their fragile sense of self. Here are the common excuses and justifications narcissists use to suddenly discard a partner: 1. The "You Are the Problem" Blame Shift Instead of admitting they are leaving, they flip the narrative to make you the villain. "You are too needy/emotional/dramatic": They accuse you of being high-maintenance after previously enjoying your devotion. "You are too controlling/abusive": This is often projection; they accuse you of the very behaviors they are exhibiting. "You are crazy/unstable": Gaslighting you into doubting your own reality. "You ruined the trust": A baseless accusation used to justify their departure. 2. The "You've Changed" Narrative They will argue that you are no longer the person they "fell in love with," when in reality, you have simply set boundaries or stopped worshiping them. "You aren't supporting me": Used when you take the focus off them to address your own needs or trauma. "You've become unappreciative": A complaint that you no longer thank them for doing the bare minimum. "You are no longer fun/exciting": Narcissists get bored easily and require constant stimulation. 3. The "Superiority/Leveling Up" Excuse They justify the discard by claiming they deserve better or have found someone "better". "I can do better than you": A direct insult aimed at destroying your self-esteem. "You are holding me back": Blaming you for their own failures in life or career. "I need someone more stable/understanding": A hypocritical statement often made right before they move to a new partner. 4. Vague or Passive-Aggressive Exit Lines Sometimes, they offer no logical reason at all, using vague statements that leave you confused and looking for answers. "I'm not in love with you anymore." "I need space" or "I'm not ready for a relationship" (even after years together). "I'm going through a lot right now and can't do this." Total Silence: Many narcissists simply ghost or "vanish like a thief in the night" to avoid the shame of a breakup conversation. 5. Weaponizing Personal Events If you go through a difficult time, they may view you as a damaged, non-functional "object" that no longer serves them. "You are too depressing/sad to be around": Discarding you during illness, job loss, or grief. "You are ruining my life": When your needs interrupt their selfish demands. The Real Reason The excuse is rarely the real reason. A sudden discard usually means they have secured a new source of supply (a new partner) or that you have seen through their mask, making you a threat to their,image. _________________________________________________________________________________________________ AI Overview "Narcissists make up excuses to discard you when you no longer provide sufficient narcissistic supply (admiration, attention), when you set boundaries, or when they have secured a new, often less-demanding source of supply. . These excuses are typically designed to shift blame, allowing them to avoid responsibility while maintaining a self-image of superiority. The discard is often abrupt, cold, and calculated to maximize control and inflict pain, leaving you feeling responsible for the end of the relationship. Here is a detailed breakdown of why and how narcissists use excuses to discard you: Common Excuses for Discarding When a narcissist leaves, they rarely take accountability. Instead, they often use the following justifications to make you feel as though the breakup is your fault: "You are too difficult/unreasonable": They say this when you start setting boundaries or questioning their behavior, as they can no longer easily control you. "You've changed" or "You are not who I thought you were": This happens when the "love bombing" phase ends and you start acting like a real person with your own needs, rather than a perfect mirror for their ego. "I need space" or "I need to work on myself": These are often vague, temporary excuses used to distance themselves while they pursue a new, shiny, and less-demanding source of supply. "You are too emotional/dramatic": This is a form of gaslighting to blame you for the conflict they created. Reasons Behind the Excuses Securing "New Supply": They rarely leave a relationship without having another one lined up; the excuse allows them to move on to someone who does not yet see through their lies. Escaping Accountability: By making you the villain, they protect their fragile self-image and avoid facing their own faults. Maintaining Control: Even in the end, they want to retain power. They may use a "temporary" discard to make you chase them, forcing you to earn their attention back. Boredom: When the thrill of the chase is gone, they look for new stimulation. What to Know About the Discard It’s Not About Your Worth: Being discarded is not a reflection of your value, but rather a sign that you were no longer easy to manipulate. They Often Return (Hoovering): Narcissists may return later to see if you can still provide supply, treating you like a "toy on a shelf" to be picked up again. The "Smear Campaign": Before or after the discard, they may ruin your reputation to make themselves look like the victim. If you have been discarded, it is crucial to understand that it is likely a blessing in disguise, freeing you from a toxic cycle." _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Oh and PS: "what did he do to deserve such pressure and i told him i am sorry and i apologised saying i felt a bit unfair because we promised to go on a date once per month and we didn't that's why i kept asking. " Yes. And damn right it was unfair. You were justified in trying to find out why. He was NOT justified in ending the relationship because you asked reasonable questions as to why he wasn't upholding his prior promise (lie). Narcs want everything THEIR way ("all the perks but none of the work") and will threaten you with ending the relationship (or Silent Treating you) to shut you up when you naturally complain they're not behaving like a normal relationship partner/treating you like you matter, and thereafter make you feel it's too risky to ever raise a complaint again, "just in-case" (...Aim, Fire, Bullseye! on his part). ...Because they're NOT normal relationship partners - or relationship partners full-stop. Certainly, they've no idea how to partner, full-stop.

At the end of the day, if the guy had respected you he would done the right thing by you. The fact that has another GF straight away should tell you that your two year relationship was a sham. So bearing that in mind you're wasting your own time even mourning it. And NO, you're not healed as you're still dwelling on it enough to post about it. Go & get on with your life without looking back over your shoulder to find the closure that you need.

The thing is that I didn't do the right thing. He asked for space and all i showed for it was that i wasn't willing to give it. I bombarded him with explanations because I that's the right thing to do when the right approach in this case is consistency, is action to do what the other needs instead of saying it. I didn't realise that early on. So he saw someone that is struggling to give space and pushing him to his limits thus someone dangerous gor his well being to be with long term. That's why he broke up eoth me. And I understand but it was immaturity and panic of the moment not a personality trait of mine. I genuinely think i fucked up completely in this case to be honest. And when i say i am healed i mean from my wrong behaviour not from him.

"I genuinely think i fucked up completely in this case to be honest". The guy has played you & used you & you still reckon it's your fault. You won't get closure from this guy as he's not thinking of you, he doesn't care about you; he's with his new GF. ("He moved on and found another girlfriend. It's been a few months.') His actions are doing the talking which you are ignoring & making life miserable for yourself by still living in the past instead of learning from it & moving on. If you're going to beat yourself up then that's where you'll stay..beaten.

Ultimately it doesn't matter so much who or what was at fault right now. In the future, if you should be dating someone again, then you now have something to watch out for when you feel like you might be smothering someone when they're in a bad mood. You also have something to watch out for when the person you're with starts showing signs that they might not value you or want to be with you. There are an estimated 8 Billion + people in the world right now. And even when you exclude people who are taken, people who are too old, people who are too young, serial killers and the like, and women: That is still a lot of eligible young men for you to potentially meet and court and decide whether you want to date. I would not get too hung up on this one guy. You've got to pick and choose whether one person you've spent a lot of time with and broken up with is worth giving another chance. And from the sound of things, you two weren't very compatible and it's not worth re-opening that can of worms. Stop blaming yourself solely for this, also. PS: My girlfriend still bothers me incessantly sometimes when I am in bad moods and need personal space. This is something a lot of women must not be great with. ^_^;