Trying to sort relationship thoughts

F(22me) M(23) Met January 20-21 2025 My brain and I are weird lol I made this sorta list and talk about my feelings to process this. Overall I would say it's trying to sort out whether the core issue is a lack of commitment and effort. Main patterns: I appreciated his support during serious moments When I was in the hospital three times in the past year, he stayed or picked me up even though it was 4am. That made him feel reliable and supportive, especially because I was in a new city and didn’t have a big support system yet. Relationship started casually but became more serious I originally said you didn’t want commitment. I was in a new city and felt benefited from new friendships rather than trying to be in my first relationship.But after spending time together the connection naturally became more emotional than you expected. He didn’t just say he wanted to become serious and then continue to do non serious things like hiding me or only hanging out past 10pm. He actually started to talk to friends and family about me and hangout in the daytime. Effort and reciprocity seem to be the biggest issue -I put thought and effort into gifts -I tried to communicate what you wanted -I even provided gift ideas with links and pictures But his actions often seemed low-effort or dismissive, like: -A regifted stuffed animal for valentine last year -Not formally asking you to be his girlfriend. -Showing little effort on things you felt were important milestones in beginning a relationship. -Being on his phone during dinner. -Showing up empty-handed after you clearly communicated expectations. -Two real dates in whole year Mixed signals -Saying “I love you” early. -Introducing you to friends and family. -Talking about asking you to be his girlfriend. But at the same time: -Avoiding actually asking. -Not putting in effort for important moments. -Not prioritizing the relationship in small everyday ways. He stayed with you when you were in pain and didn’t leave even when you suggested it. He can be physically present and supportive in emergencies. But outside of those moments, the pattern seems different: -Minimal effort on birthdays and holidays -Not planning anything for special occasions -Showing up empty-handed even when expectations were clear -Being distracted (phone/headphones) during time together I don't feel I kept expectations hidden. I -Shared gift ideas he told me to send him for christmas -Brought up relationship status -Even together create an anniversary date together since couldn't based it off the actual date he asked you to be his girlfriend -Anniversary situation -He never formally asked you to be his girlfriend -We had to bring it up months later -We both created a sort of “fake anniversary date” -And then he didn’t acknowledge it It’s not necessarily about the date itself. It’s about feeling valued and remembered. Classic pattern -He said he didn’t ask you to be his girlfriend yet because he wanted it to be special → never actually followed through until months later when you brought it up. -Heated blanket gift for not asking to be gf→ said he would get it → shipping excuse → said you could go to the store → never happened. -Valentine’s 2026 necklace + activities → said you’d pick it out together → never happened. Intent → promise → delay → excuse → no completion I am okay with quiet time but not as the default. Quiet time is nice after effort has happened. But when the relationship is mostly quiet hanging out, it stops feeling intentional. Just dinner isn’t a date. We met Jan 2025 he moved 40 minutes away in July, before we were 5 minutes away and I saw him a whole lot more but he didn’t work until August because he was still in college so if a time to actually take me out it would be August - January, one date happened may-june that I didn’t plan or hint at so u have the ability to understand u need or want to do that. When we first met it was just going to his place and getting food. I know it’s not always about money but his response in the past when brung up low effort feels like his response was slightly based on money. For the future I would hope if planned dates, if communication low it’s be okay because effort shows up in other ways and if effort low it’s fine bc communication was had, feeling if security, a good relationship with his family, less highs and lows it like the drop gap between it would be less from high to low. -Good signs asks how your mom and sister are doing He brought up going and planned when we were going to meet my family checks in about things in your life spends time with you I don’t think his apologies or feelings are bs but I definitely feel second important and then feel weird about that feeling because of how nice and respectful he is and how much I see him care and treat others. But “If it happens now, do I even want it anymore?” This valentine's day was the most, least excuse good time we had in a whole year and there was still stuff like the example I mentioned above about promising something and not doing it. He did get gifts without my input and the gift he wanted my input on we didn't even get after spending three days together 13-15. TLDR: He shows up for you in serious/emergency moments and can be caring, but in everyday relationship stuff he consistently puts in low effort. There’s a repeated pattern of promises without follow-through (dates, gifts, milestones), mixed signals about commitment, and you feeling undervalued despite clearly communicating your expectations. You’ve tried to make things work and be understanding, but you’re starting to question if the effort is too inconsistent and whether you even want it anymore, even if he finally steps up.

At the end of the day, you're not happy with him or your relationship with him. You've listed the issues but he doesn't care. If the guy's not going to make you happy & make your heart sing after all that effort then it's just not going to get any better. 12 months is bugger all for any relationship but it's obvious you're not going to put up with the bs that's shining through with yours. We can all sit down & put your issue through the ringer & come up with a few different names for it, but your guy just doesn't give a damn about your relationship with him. Yep, no commitment & no communication & little or no effort. If he's not gonna put you on a pedestal, then why bother with him? His actions are doing the talking even though he can be considerate when he 'wants' to, but if he was 100% committed to you 100% of the time even after just 12 or so months, he'd have the NEED to be there for you ALL the time. So it's up to you to make decisions, set boundaries for yourself etc & move on OR you sit there & put up with it. It's your choice & your choice only. If you're not in love with him then why bother flogging a dead horse?

Hi Clovernoee, Actually, I'd say the money issue is probably a big one from his perspective, or at least that's how it sounds. If he just started working in his new place after college last Summer, and didn't follow through with a lot of gift ideas, he might be having trouble figuring out how to manage things and come up with the money for gifts and dates. The always being on his phone and having his headphones on when he's around you thing... I wish I could kind of see this for myself so I could tell just how literal this is. It honestly sounds pretty annoying for when you're with the person you're dating, who you don't get to see so often because they live almost an hour away. It does sound like he checks in with you a lot and asks how things are, which is probably a good sign. But low-effort and inconsistent behavior would get tiresome fast. You are expecting more from a partner than what you're getting. And you can try and talk about this with him and see if you can reach a better compromise. But these may just be some of his particular flaws. I can assure you that everyone you date will have flaws, so do keep that in mind. You have to ask whether you're getting your needs met, even if your wants are not being met.

He was in the city for something and ask if wanted to grab something to eat I said yes, I was crapping my pants because I thought I would be able to hide behind a screen when we had a talk but it was not to bad. I have this thing of automatically crying anytime I have to advocate for myself in anyway or even simply say my feeling so it began with us parked outside my apartment and me crying for the first 5 minuted straight. I could not find my words and had intentions of just bringing up my feelings without the word breakup. I poured out a lot of bad things in the original post but of course not everyday or moments was like that and I really valued the friendship we had in our romantic relationship but partner relationship needs were def not met at times. The word breakup came up not by me just him asking if that was what I was saying, he proceeds to say if my needs are not being met that it is okay and advocating for myself is the most important thing and how he will be hurt because I am his best friend he is not hurt that I want something different. My main attraction to him was his kindness something I know is something everyone should have but just the way he practiced and displayed it I felt so fortunate to be loved by someone like him. He said how he was proud of me for not letting emotions sit because a year ago me would have let all of this bottle up and I kind of did let some things do that but I did not know that was something he would notice. I will be okay tho honestly feel breaking up was the easier part lol.

You need somethin to bring you back together - somethin that you both have, together. There are a number of ways to do this, the most practical ways include - a potted plant, that you have to take care off water it ... A giant cuddly toy that you both have. You get the idea

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