I hate asking, but I really need help :'( please

I'm not usually like this. I don't usually get quite attached and I feel ridiculous, silly and pathetic. Im starting to hate myself. I can't talk to friends, I can't talk to family. I just pretend I'm ok. I met a girl 3 years ago. We have our ups and downs but for the past year its been a series of downs. She cares for me, she does. When we were happy, we were happy :( I made mistakes, Im just as guilty for arguing as she is. We made each other feel like hell. I stopped smoking because she hated it. I did as I was told, I wanted to make her happy. She wasnt too happy with me having female friends when she has male friends, and thats ok. I dont understand. :( I'd take alot of verbal beatings off this girl, but I managed to smile and keep going not taking it to heart. Eventually I started snapping back, I went right off the rails said alot of this I regret. Deeply. I was just angry. Frustrated. We dont have a sex life. Any sort of emotional bond disappeared last year. It comes back now and again. I love her dearly and we were tearing each other up :( she didnt like to think of me as her boyfriend. She hates labels. We fell out over a year ago. I was suspected of cheating. Which may explain the female friend issue. I had a friend that liked me you see. This person was quite unstable to be honest. And she knew how to play with her head. Anyway, we made back up eventually. We get close and something seems to happen. I went to ireland for 5 days and during that time she was amazing with me. I felt affection, i felt loved like I was truly cared for once more. When I came home. She informed me to keep quiet about me and her cus she didnt want her friends knowing. That really badly hurt me. I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut about it and the day after that we argued because I couldnt understand that :( and why I had to accept her decision and think about her 'happiness' truthfully, I was always thinking about her happiness, Id drop everything for her and try to keep her happy and be there when she needed me. I brought that up at the time. She told me I only did those things to use them against her. It utterly broke my heart :( and she wont see that :( her friends hate me. I feel like Im losing my mind. Its not all bad. We have some really great times, and as cheesy as all this probably sounds, the girl means the absolute world to me. But these past few months especially have been extremely hard :( snowballing tension between us both. Id try swallow it down and still make her smile. She was having none of it. I feel like she can be very negative towards me. And when I begin to argue back, it hurts more because thats not how I want to be. We are better than that. Christmas day, she called us on a break :( I dont know if shes coming back. She said shes doing it for us and that she wants to be able to have fun and if we dont have this break we will end up hating each other. Personally... I feel like we've been on a break. My argument was that she never really gave us a chance to be happy and enjoy our time with each other. It doesnt hurt to be a bit more affectionate. Genuinely thats what we are missing I feel :( its all so cold, and I tried to be affectionate towards her and I just felt like I was doing her head in but when I stepped back she would get really annoyed herself, claim that I dont care about her and stuff...anyway, on a break. Just now Im trying to get on with things, finding other things to take my mind off the situation but it is driving me crazy. Im sorry if ive went on too much, and it is all a jumbled mess. I dont feel like the happy hyper person i used to be. Instead I feel like a depressing 'dark cloud'

I don't know if I can help but I am in a very similar position with my bf. I so badly want it to work out but I'm starting to hate myself too. I'm hanging in there for now. I know I should feel like a million bucks more than I feel crappy. Sorry, I think your girl is looking/seeing other people and she was happy cause you took her on a vacation...who wouldn't. I believe she cares for you but not forever love. You deserve forever love. Maybe she was a step for you to the best relationship you'll ever have. If you aren't in a committed relationship with her at the moment, I think it would be good for you to take another woman out, friendly. I'd love to have lunch with a friend or see a movie. I think it might make her think what she could lose and give you a little self esteem. I don't know how old you are but my dad found love again at 70, and my grandpa at 92, both widowed, so it's never too late. I hope you get over your hump.

What is important to u? the love u hv in u for her or jus the habit u hv grown of ein with her.It is vividly clear that she is playin itsyy-bitsy wen it comes to bein committed.she prefers her buddies more than you n in she wants you only to spare for the vacations n fun stuff. see love cant be bought using luxuries its a feeling that comes even you have nothin,so Move on man,before your heartbreak becomes even bigger ..all the best!