Sad broken hearted ..... Can't seem to move on

its along story but ill try to make it a short as possible ............... i met him when we was in high school we ended up being good friends , and kept in contact even when he moved back to ny, through out dat time we grew feelings for each each other , i found out when he didnt want me to go to the prom with a god friendof mine tats was intrested in me . he always had a low self esteem since whenhe was younger he us et be picked at and bulled for being over weight and i was the gurl all guys wanted to hook up with or my brothers friends wanted to hook up with , i always had lil boyfriends from the time i can remeber , but never serious enough , never had feelings for them like i had for him in fact he ended up being my first and i ended up being his first . after 3 years of talking , visiting each other and planning to live together i finished high school and planned to go to europe to finish my studies , but he conviences me that its better we move in together , marry , work and study ....do everything to gether , we knew it would take sacrifice and time but , i though we both where on the same page as far as being out going people , and keeping our words as far as accomplisshing our goals , knowing he came from a house dat was kind of destructive ( his mom was alchoholic and lesbian ( not dat it mattered to me dat she was lesbian but it did to him ) she stilll lived with er ex lover in the same house nad his sisters would aways get into troubles or pregnant , they all had diffrrent fathers so they didnt have a very close relationship they can talk like 2 every 6 months , wich is one of the reasons i warned him lets not move in together cuz ur situation doit because you wanto be with me ,not to escape your troubles , he assured me no that tahts was the best way to form a rrelation ship . at that time i was living in my moms house , so we agreed well well be at my moms house for a couple months untill we hae enough to get an apartment , he got a job we got married (civil ) now through out dat time thier were littl ethings he would do taht i would find weird but i woud try to put it past , like say soething then say he never said it , i would envite him to dinner with family and after the dinner he would say a rude or negate comment toward my family for no reason , wih would lead us to arguing . maybe he was under stress , but in my head if he wanted us to move out stop complaingn and save your money and lets improve the situation , finaly one day we have a argument we dont talk for 2 days , the tax money comes and instead of getting a car like we planned he signs up at the gym a two year memer ship that takes almost all the 3,000 dollars , thanks to the advice of a friend he meets at work , a 35 year old man that live swith his mom thats 4,5 ft , that use to be a club bouncer , and left his stripper wife with the house(ex) because he caught her in bed with another , the same friend dats drinks alot since his heart was broken and will give yu an advice on a relationship , when he cant even maintain a relationship after what happend to him .well soon as he met taht friend everything changed , from the way he talked , walk everything his friend would hit the gym , and be khaky , well he wanted todo the same , we never spent any time together after dat his friend was first , my friend said theis , he said dat , i would hear his friends name in everything its like he wanted to be him completly , wich lead us to arguments , after a while everything we set out to do he wouldt do it he didnt want to look fo ra better job , get a car , study nothing just show up drunk , and go to car festivas and sit with his friend and the gur companions he would bring around him. we argued so much by dat time ( after 2 yrs of living together ) he didnt have a personality of his own , his friend told him to move out and live close to him , one after noon he packs his shit after arguing over the same shit ( how he is nothing he said out to be )and leaves with his friend. after moving with his friend he would come from time to time , some times drunk ( remind you he would say hed never drink because he comes from a family of drunks ), blaming me for making him moving out and threatning me with getting a divorce just to se my face sad o crying , telling me how he regrets moving out because his frineds are not who they turn out to be and how we willl fix things but then when i woud call he would say his confused and is used to living by himself. i was crying in depression , blaming my self . some times hell stop by well dressed fresh out of partying just to come and pick up the mail that was at his name , tahts when i realised , no ones gonna care about me like i care about my self , while im crying my heart out his out their living it up and when the parties over his gonna want to act like everythings ok . well i called him and asked for the divorce ....and boy he didnt see dat coming after 2 moths of me cursing him out , calling him , him trying to convince me that he wasts to get bac for real this time and he doesnt want a divorce , i made him give me the divorce i signed the paper, i was done tired and numb , after 4 -5 months of mind games ......i had lost soo much weight , i would forget to eat . after 2 years of practically not talking cause all he would do is call when his drunk to blame me or try to get back , he went to the army in the base in germany ( when he realised he was lazy and he mest u as far as the kind of advice he took from his friends that played a big role in us seperating ) and i went to study in europe in another part not near germany , he called me and wanted me to move in with him knowing he was seeing other women , i really got turned off , e wanted me to visit him , teling me he hanged and realized but the fact that he was seeing other people who he considerd sluts , (he say they didnt mean anything to him he wanst me in his life ) really put me off especially since we was each others first . so i chose not to go , so he cursed me out, toled me awful things and stop calling me . through out that time iv etried putting it behind it hurts alot but i look foeard i really cared about that person as afar as a friend friend because he was one of my best friends , but dats where he failed me the most. ive tryed dating but havent had any sexual contact with any body( i wonder if its because of what i went through? its a mental issue as far as trust ) just had lots of good lookig guys throwing their selves at me but havent met one i feel i connect with , and im always the girl who is turned on by the mental connection not the out side .i keep my self busy with my studies , im almost done i talk to guys i do everything right but i always have a moment in the day where i think about him ( dont know why knowing he doesnt deserve me )a year ago he tried to contact me by fb i egnored him and blocked him , about a month ago my brother gives me his fb code and tell s me to cleean the massages and up date it fo rhim since hell be out of town for aa week i always knoe he talk to my brother in a way but after i saw the conversation and his facebook it really crushed me i couldnt even focuse on my exams , he was asking about me and my fa,ily wanting to know what i was doing in what counrty im in , but yet talkig about how he was flirting with this girl and yet in his facebook he has a weird frace next to his name dat sais .....die dreaming , and he post pictures of the country im originaly from , so this kinda bring bac feelings of wishing i can care for tat person or wanting to be their but i know it woud never work so i dont answer it and i choose to move on i just wish dat afetr soo many years 3 or more of egnoring him i can move on not feeling so sad or bad about the whole situation , why am i this way when i tryed my best :smack: i knownothing can be fixed everything is broken :o but i still think about him alot or care :crying: i wish i just didnt care as much , i knew what i had but he didnt know what he had till it was gone so why should i be the one with the heart ache .............................how to i move on , how can i move on ? what advice do you have for m e, what would you doo if u havent got over some one after that long? iam sad almost all the time it feels like a fresh cut .