Childhood abuse surfaces...?

Therapy please... I am 41 years old and have been in a relationship with my wife for 11 years. We are separated right now. We have a wonderful relationship except for one major problem. I am not affectionate. I am an adult survivor of abuse and it has finally come to me that I deal with "problems" by holding them inside.. Pulling away. Being resentful. As I did when I was a child. However, I have done this to her. Every time she screams and says yucky things it adds to the distance between us. The affection gets less and less. I'm not talking about the bedroom. Just everyday affection. She doesn't know all of this because I don't communicate well at all. (Our next issue). I need a new coping skill. Something that doesn't make me resentful against her.. A way to let go.. A way to be close.. Not to go to my dark place everytime there is a disagreement. How to not be scared all the time. How to TRUELY let go of all the resentment I have right now and be free and happy.

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I can totally relate to you and how you feel. After being abused it took a long time for me to accept affection or give it. Baby steps is what I had to take. Hand holding, quick hugs, nothing too intimate. Eye contact helped me connect better. If a person was willing to look into my eyes I felt safe enough to give a little affection. When you get to the point where it feels elevated and she is changing octave in her voice, stand your ground and make her change her tone. You deserve to be treated better than that. It's a too way street, let her in and advise her things will be different from now on. Practice everyday affection, hugs in greeting her, hand holding, rub her arm in conversation. Let her put her head on your shoulder, put your arms around her when sitting alone, move in close when seated next to each other. Those are baby steps but they will make a difference. Because you said you don't communicate well, this is the language you use with your eyes, your hands, your arms. Cologne does wonders! Put some on when you know you will see her. Hug her a lot, and when she leaves, she has your scent on her! That opens up conversations and gives her a desire to see what you will do next. I am cheering for you! Turn this this around and be great at this! Hugs!!!

Thank you!

you can change but not overnight,you should for your future,try therapy