I don't understand what's happening to me.

For years now I've struggled with experiences that I have only ever been able to talk to one person about. My spouse listens and is supportive but it's not enough. There's no carriage return on this thing, that is very annoying. Basically, I experience things that are not supposed to be possible. I know things about people sometimes that I shouldn't be able to know. When my grandmother was dying of cancer, I sensed she was with me, even though I left the care center she was at to go have a drink at a bar because they told me to go home as she would be unconscious/asleep for days at a time. Even at the bar I sensed she was there. I was approached by D_ and he spoke to me for a while. I had just met him a few days prior, and ind of just tolerated him. I left half my drink and took the bus back to the house. My grandfather and I got a call from the center that my grandmother was awake, so we went right back. When I walked through the door to her room, she was sitting up in the bed, alert, awake, and starring off into the distance. She said "That music, those lights... How's you're friend D_ ?" I had never spoken to her about D_, I just met D_ and didn't even really LIKE D_ all that much. This is impossible. This was 15 years ago. Things like this have happened to me often. I'e had such a difficult time dealing with it that I can't hold down a job and can't stand crowds and am reluctant to even be around people. Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I'm OK for weeks. But I just can't do the things normal people take for granted, hold down a job, be social, have friends. It's gotten harder as I've grown older. I'm lucky I have my spouse, but really, that is all I have. Thanks for reading this, I don't expect that anyone will believe me, much less be able to help me. I'm sure people will read this and just figure I'm a liar. I know I would if these things did not happened to me. I understand, it's OK, I know that you can't understand, really, and that I'm on my own.

Now, you could have ESP or something and someone else can judge that. I don't know about it. What concerns me is the part where you can't hold down a job and do life in general. To me, hearing that in combination with all the ESP-stuff, that suggests that you might have schizophrenia or a related (milder) disorder. Some people claim to have extrasensory abilities and some people say they're disordered. But that's only true when it interferes with your life.

The label "schizophrenia" is useful. For everybody else. It dismisses my experiences, and the experiences of those around me that are often shocked and distressed when I actually do take a risk and share the things I know with them. As a result I don't say anything to the lady standing in line next to me that looks fine, but feels like she's dying inside, and needs someone to tell her they understand and that she is very brave, or to tell the guy pumping gas that the reason he's torturing himself is because he just needs someone to say it's not your fault what your mother did to you. I've learned to keep it all to myself. Because, you know, people can't possibly know these things, it's like, you know, impossible. I have the "disorder"; it's *my* problem. *I* need to be institutionalized and/or drugged if I actually *do* anything with it. The problem isn't that *you* can't deal with it or that *you* have a thwarted perceptual and intellectual capacity; after all, *I'm* *crazy*. What *I* experience is "impossible". Therefore, I *must* have a *disorder*, because functioning in a world of people who freak-out any time I try to be helpful or honest is dangerous. Thanks for helping. No, really.

All I said was that I don't know about ESP and that a disorder is something that effects your life in a negative way. You were looking for help and I offered what I knew to the best of my abilities. That's all.

I know, thanks, I appreciate the effort.

No problem, sorry I came across weird. It was the part where you said it was hurting your life that made me want to reply. Like, I have an obsessive-compulsive personality. I'm okay with that. Mostly it's good because it means I'm a perfectionist and I never quit. It becomes obsessive-compulsive disorder when the obsessions, for example, make it hard to go to work. So, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't a disorder. I guess it's because I work in the Psychological field, but calling something a disorder isn't a judgement. It's just saying, "this is interfering with my life." But what you're describing just sounds like you have high levels of empathy. That's a real skill. And if you do have ESP, there are plenty of people who make their lives out of using that skill for those who need it. There are lots of ways to make it work, I think.

Hi ARANDOMGUY, it sounds as if you are very gifted. Please, do try to find others like you who are this way. I have something some people would scorn me for - the ability to see spirits of various kinds. If I hadn't of known better, I'd have dismissed it or allowed it to overrun my life. Now, I know I'm not the only one, and people see some of the same kinds of spirits that I do - in the same kinds of forms. Don't worry; you can find a circle of support (even if it is online) that WILL accept you and support you in the development of this ability. What you know can truly help a lot of people, and some would say you have the potential to deeply heal a lot of people. Try your hand in getting involved with a spiritual/metaphysical community which is very open and accepting of this ability. You won't be disappointed - who knows, maybe you'll find that you gain a lot of respect within these circles and your special ability will be put to use helping a lot of people :] Just know that some will be ready for what you are and what you know, and some won't. It is possible to live around masses of unknowing people and function - I simply recognize what is happening around people but choose not to always say something about it. That is kinda what I do when I go to the grocery store or when I am around family - some of the people in my family are freaked out by what I see, and have dismissed it as mild schizophrenia. Remember this: if you can think of the gift you have, and find ways to apply it and share it in a helpful way with the world, as well as use it in your own personal path for growth and positive transformation, I'm sure you'll reap a lot of wonderful things from this. <3