Work it out or move forward?

I'll try not to bore everyone with some long drawn out whiney post. I'll give the basic facts and I'm hoping for feedback from people who are not directly apart of my life or my situation. I need help gaining clarity because I'm beginning to suspect that I'm a moron. Here goes: I got pregnant at 17, thought my sons father was the love of my life. Wrong. He was an asshole and I realized this at the age of 21. I left him and 3 months later met my now husband. He was wonderful. He showed me that there were men out there who would treat me as I deserved. He had 2 kids from a previous relationship. He is also 8 years older than me. 6 months after dating his house was foreclosed on because he could not afford the massive amount of child support he had to pay every month and two mortgages. He moved in with me. I took care of him and helped him, hoping he would get back on his feet. That didn't quite happen. I was and always have been, the bread winner in our relationship. My husband works for a family business and is set on believing he will inherit it one day (among a brother and sister and brother-in-law) and that even though the money he made then (and now) isn't much after paying for two mortgages on a house he no longer owns) he thinks when the business is handed to him life will be grand. Fast forward 7 years later, yes we had our problems as most couples in 7 years but I literally could not breathe without this man by my side and vice versa. We got married. The problems we had in our relationship and engagement followed us right into marriage. Yes, dumb of me to think they would just disappear. My husband is a child at heart. He loves to have friends over, a bonfire and lots of beer. Always alcohol. It's not a good time for him if drinking and a couple of joints aren't involved. So I went from being the bitter girlfriend, to the bitter fiance, to the bitter wife. I raised his two children along with my son for 4 years when their mother couldn't do it anymore. My husband is not an ambitious person whereas I am. I don't mean to come across as materialistic but I want things in life. I want more than the bare minimum. I want to do more than struggle to keep my head, our heads, above water. My husband seems content in his happy-go-lucky lifestyle. Washing the dishes, to him, was equal to cleaning the whole house. After a year of marriage, and yes I am ashamed of this, I cheated. There are no excuses for my actions, I was just tired of begging for help and never getting it. I was tired of wanting to be understood and always looked at as the kill joy, the debbie downer. We argued in circles and both being hard headed and head strong, always thought the other was wrong. I immediately admitted to my husband my infidelity and begged him to stay. He did. He also took this as an opportunity to treat me like utter shit. Instead of working with me to try to build on our relationship and letting me try to gain his trust back, he took every opportunity to through it in my face. So, shamefully, looking for someone to be nice to me (that sounds terrible and I know is no excuse) I started a full blown affair with the man I originally cheated with. My husband found out and left. He started seeing someone also. Throughout all of this we both vehemently say neither of us wants a divorce. I don't want this to sound like every other sappy love story but I truly feel that he is my soulmate and neither of us wants to truly separate from the other. It literally hurts on a day to day basis, to even breathe. To function is a struggle and there are days where I just text him and say "I'm hurting." and all he has to say is "I love you and we will make it through this." Yet neither of us really took any steps to remedy it. A week ago I broke things off with the man I had been seeing. I told him I was being unfair to him and to my husband and that I couldn't carry on a relationship with someone else when I loved my husband. My husband had been telling me that when I ended things and got myself right that we could work on us. Well now that I have done that he is throwing excuses. He won't move back into my house. He says it's not "our" home and until we find a place together he won't move back. I think this is an excuse because he loves his partying lifestyle and is not ready to give it up. He tells me that he does not have feelings for this girl, that she is just a way to pass the time and she is aware that he loves me and would get back with me in a heartbeat. But when I ask him to leave her and let's work on things, he says "I won't intentionally hurt someone who has done me no wrong." All I hear is "I won't get rid of her because if things don't work out with you and I I will have no one to fall back on." I have ran into mutual friends of ours and friends of his who tell me he says the same things to him. That she means nothing to him. So I conclude that he just does not want to give up the freedom his new lifestyle allows him. All the while he tells me we are soulmates and things will work out. But he shouldn't have to drop everything and conform to me just because I'm suddenly ready to work things out. This seems vindictive but then again, I'm biased so opinions would be appreciated. BTW he lives with my mother and stepfather and they allow him to have this other woman stay at their house. Which feels like a betrayal to me, but again, I'm biased. We have been separated almost 6 months. I'm tired. I want my husband, my best friend back. At the same time, I'm terrified he'll never grow up and be able to meet me halfway. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Honestly, I think maybe you should just call it a loss. You are still young enough that you can find another love of your life. The history isn't going to go away and if he truly wanted to work things out with you he would get rid of the other girl and give it his best shot. I had a husband who was lazy and let me be the breadwinner, and it caused a lot of resentment. Eventually I was the breadwinner, maid, cook, and pretty much his mother to him. But I was not a wife, not a partner. Just ask yourself, "Do we love eachother enough to get past ALL of this?" And how is it effecting your children? Even if you want to put things on pause, get your own life straightened out. Put yourself and your children first. Once he sees how strong and independent you are, nothing will be more attractive. And you will feel better about yourself.