I'm in love with previous boyfriend but not with my current one

I am still in love with my previous boyfriend, who's wife had left cos she has bipolar, with mood swings, demeaning manner, and impulsivity borne out of confusion, ie: she's not happy with herself (I've met her and had character references from his family) and then she went back to him. We are such close friends and have an emotional relationship, but with boundaries. The problem I now have is that an old boyfriend who has come back on the scene, has seeked me out, and I was eager to rekindle the relationship, yet I know now that although he is great and has a lot to offer, he's half the man I ultimately want, he does not have a strong character like my other love, needy, and is putting me off being physically intimate with him by extreme trembling when excited and infantile noises. I still have desire for him though and love to be affectionate with him, and seriously do like his character to the point of loving him as a person and man. Its just that I don't think I can fall in love with him, and put him on a pedestal. My other love is the man of my dreams, and yet I know all his flaws and accept them unconditionally. Do I settle for less than what I want although I do love my new boyfriend, or do I call it quits knowing what I know about what I need in a man? How far down does a woman settle just to have a relationship with a man who she knows can never compare to what she wants?

Interesting post!!!! You are clearly in conflict which is not a nice place to be in. It is very clear that you care deeply for this man, and it sounds like it is quiet intense for you. How does he feel for you? I can hear your resentment for his girlfriend, and you believe you would be better for him. God help her bipolar is a very sad illness to be suffering from. You seem very critical of this new boyfriend, you describe him as needy etc, you say you cannot fall in love and put him on a pedestal, that is because he is attainable, it is only the ones that you cannot have get the pedestal. I think you need to be out of this relationship, never settle , it is not fair on either of you and both of you deserve better.

Kat, we should never settle for anything less than we deserve in relationships. Too many people go down the path of a relationship, only to have it fail later on because they settled for less. We need stability if we are to succeed when it comes to relationships and we succeed when we find the right mix. If you know what you NEED in a man, rather than what you WANT, then you shouldn't settle for anything less.

Thank you for your replies. I like the fact that you advise that I have a CHOICE in the matter, and that ultimately it is all about ME not having to have THEIR others choices inflicted on me. Obviously I do not feel comfortable about the relationship with the second guy, which is why I have posted on this site, and that tells me a lot that it is not the right one for me now. I have accepted that the first relationship can never culminate in anything except a friendship of sorts, so I'm covered there. Hearing all this about not settling, makes me realise that there is a man out there who I will instinctively know is the right one for me, when I meet him and befriend him, right from the word go. Thank you guys, and God bless you all! :)

Exactly..... the very fact that you can see qualities that you want and do not want. You now know what it is you need in your next relationship. I also think it is wonderful to still remain friends with the first guy, it is great to have a male connection on that level , it can be grounding, its precious,and mind it, crossing over to relationship with him will ruin what you have. You are lucky. The best of luck in meeting that new person that will enhance your life.