33 year marriage, wife confessed to an affair 15 years ago

Try to make this short as I could babble about this forever.Wife and I confessed any secrets we had from each other over 33 years. Prob not something I would quickly suggest for others....but anyway, I confessed to a short term affair with a married female employee about 21 years ago and she immediately retorted that she had given her boss, I guy I met and iived not far from) fellatio in his office and then tried to call him a couple of times but gave up when he did not return her call. I was dumbfounded. Yes, you are prob. thinking what the hell is HIS complaint, the jerk. Yes, I was. We had just adopted a baby 20 years ago at the time, also. I had found out two weeks prior to the affair that I was "shooting blanks" and could never procreate. Along with being a male RN, I guess the news really screwed me up. In fact, I have to wonder if it still does....but there are no excuses for infidelity, but there might be reasons. Like my wife prob had. I owned two businesses, was trying to recover from another bout of active alcholism which she has always been supportive of. She is BiPolar and was on Prozac only with no mood stablizer she statss and (she says she cannot remember much and I do believe "most" of that because she has a horrid memory due to the meds she takes. I also believe she lied about some of it because she was pissed about my affair very much. I contactd "her boss" when she told me and met with his wife (wife also blew up "my affairs" life by calling her husband and her) and was told that there was no sex (he had just married his wife AGAIN after an affair which caused their divorce) by his wife, but they had about 5 groping and fondling sessions which my wife denys...states it started by him commenting on her butt as she closed a med cart drawer with it as he was walking by and escalated over the months to him saying he cannot stand it because he gets so hard when he sees her. She quit (says because of embarrassment, then she says no it was just I got another job, etc.) 3 months went by and she said he called her one day when she was out seeing patients (she is an rn) and she decided to run by his office (she is shy and would never do that unless there was an intimacy there) and pick up the papers he had mentioned in his call. She states she went in his office and he was on the phone with his wife with his back turned. He then walked near her, turned and his penis was erect and inches away from her face. She said she could not resist and was tired of being a good girl as she, I think, has been since. I really do. As have I. Said the whole thing took 20 min, very mechanical, and that it was the worst thing she has ever done in her life and felt horrible for years and years. God, it sounds like we all deserve each other. CRAP, AND we are all Christians and now she says she did talk to him afterwards about Christ and how wrong that was and has never seen him again. She said she saw him once in the store and they avoided each other. The only reason this has screwed me up so much is that my wife is the most real, honest, faithful, gorgeous slim redhead in the world that I know..haha....AND since we "got honest" (after I kicked a door down, threatended her life and called my family, her family and friends to tell what she did...most don't even believe it because they know the character of my wife. Wife got pelleted with test, estro, about 6 months ago for low hormones, about the time we both learned of the infidelities. As a result of the hormones, wife's libido is better than when she was 25, actually she says she has NEVER exp this kind of sexuality EVER. in MANY ways we are closer than ever and have mutual sexual fantasies, even at 60...both body builders, but I am serious, she is gorgeous and I am taking testosterone to keep up, and I still cannot after a few hours. My wife is a good woman, and as I look back over our past (she would go for years without wanting sex after she became a mother and always approved me of me watching porn, going to an occasional strip club, etc. Said masterbation is just a necessary bodily function. Nice wife. lool...really! She really has forgiven me and I do believe when we don't live 10 miles from that MF I can get past it and not "visualize" it anymore. Wife did not help in saying, "they said he was hung like a horse, but he really was no bigger than my husband", "I really don't like or dislike HIM, but I hate his wife"", "they all said he was a creep, but I thought on no, he is sexy", "he reminded me of my dad and brother I guess", "you were missing a tooth at the time", "do you want me to draw a layout of his office, i remember that, and I remember that I was wearing "granny panties" that day and I went home and had a drink and smoke". I am sure she was quite excited about the whole thing as fellatio is one of her favorite sports. Geez, what am I even complaining about? I do believe her is that this was all in 33 years and she used to say, "NO ONE has ever seen me naked below my neck since we got married"" (she left out some...hahah....and that bugs me...told her so...don't tell me stuff I have to translate anymore into what you did not tell me. I am telling you that our sex life is something so wonderful I have NEVER exp in my life and I have always been (so has she really) a very sexual person. Finally she told me, "Randy, I am sorry, but I just love big penises, big testicles and big breasts." She said, "randy, if a big boobed woman with inch long nipples pulled her boobs out in front of you and stuck her nipple 1 inch from your face, you would be able to resist? She also said, "If he had exposed himself across the office instead of right in my face, I might have been able to resist. However, she emphatically tells me she would never cheat again and has not again, ever. I believe her. Am I kidding myself? LOOOOLLLl she is 57! Add in we lost our home of 20 years last year, had car repossessed, due to complete sudden business failure which we had invested everything. But wife became so jealous of a redheaded female coowner (who did flirt with me, but I was just wanting to get it sold and my wife and I move to colorado. buy a house, live nice lives AND If I had confronted her, she would have laughed and told every0one I was having delusions...ha)..........so been real tough. currenlty living in a rental in NE TExas in the woods and it sucks, but waiting for our oldest adopted child to graduate in June and then we are moving north as my wifes 94 year old mother and step day need to go to an assisted living and it is not going well. Just a myriad of emotions, guilt on both parts. Wish I had not freaked out so much and told so many people (she did too, but people are not as shocked (double standard not right but is real, prob evolutionary and will always be) that I had an affair 20 years ago as they are about wife giving fellatio to a former boss in his office, in fact, many don't believe it because they know my wife KNOW they have never seen her flirt ever. And over the past 20 years, her coworkers oftern say, "HOW long you guys been married?! Your eyes LIGHT UP when he comes to see you and brings you dinner, etc at work." I pray that moving from here (I STILL go by the guys house once a week and am thinking about doing very bad things to him (I already have by meeting with his wife and informing his licensing board about his sexual predatory behavior with employees. His wife when we met (she said, you smell go gooood...and then said it is obvious we should not meet again...weird) said she divorced him 16 years ago for having sex with his DON (he is an adminstrator of a local nursing home) and then got pregnant with another mans child but her husband so wanted her back she and him got her an abortion so they could remarry and dumped the guy who got her pregnant. I am puzzled. My wife is so moral, honest (i thought..lol) and CRAZY at times with her depression, mania, rage, etc. But the other times she is my best friend and has been for 34 years. You know you are in trouble when your wife is such a good friend, who shares everything with you, enjoys smoking pot daily (after work), is a great Mom (albeit somewhat eccentric which the girls love) and the sexiest woman alive. Thank God for pelleting. Wrote so much I don 't know my question...lool....How do I get the picture of my wife doing that in a chair in his office for twenty min while he stood there, and then finished doing it himself on some papers on his desk, which is wife stated happened (laughing..she said he DOES lik e to do that!) Wife loves to see men do that too...actually this is one of her fantasies lived out. We have agreed NOW that we will do NOTHING by ourselves anymore. If we want to have sex with someone else, our spouse has to be there...oolol...we have NEVER been swingers and Christians for many years. We actually went to a strip club together twice last year and a nudist resort abojut 3 times. NOT swingers, but just fun to be naked in the sun. Say all that only to say we do share our lives and agree NEVER to bring another person into our marriage again...her words and I agree. How do I get that vision out of my head? Often I feel I deserve the torture (there have been days and nights that I cannot get HIM out of my head and my anger peaks...it is horrible.....reading I see that "the affairs" for both of us were only 6 months ago for both of us because when you find out is when the emotional clock starts...sorry for babbling. My God, if any of you got thru this THANK you for that alone!

wow, I guess somethings are better left unsaid. I too have images that I wish would go away. They fade over time, but are still there. For me, new memories, good healthy memories help to fade the shame. Prayer too. I hope she is on a mood stabilizer now with her bi-polar. Anti-depressants are not recommended for bi-polar as they can excacerbate mania- which can be hyper sexuality. I was waiting for a buddy friend to come home one day and I sat with his wife in there yard. She had a baby a few months before, she was attractive and big breasted. I never made any comments, or advances. She exposed her breast and squirted breast milk at me, and asked me to suck on her tit! I was shocked and disgusted even though she was pretty. My friend comes first. I denied her sex and tit sucking. She was mad and embarrassed and when her husband came home she told him that I had made advances on her. He believed her, and that ended our friendship. This has happened to me a few times. I am a nice guy that's decent looking and I have lost a few buddies. any way even if she had a cock she liked in her face, doesn't mean she's gotta suck it, or a nipple in your face. I feel bad for your baby.

Randy the torture you undergo is the torture you allow yourself to undergo! If you do not want the pics in your head, its simple, don't think of it. When it pops up, just replace it with some other thought. Gradually it will fade off by itself. You already know the positives you both have between you both. 34 years of being together is a proof of what you both are for each other. All these other things are of no significance in front of what you both have shared! Why are you wasting time on analysing and rethinking the episode over and over? Why are you torturing yourself? Just stop thinking on those lines! Concentrate on what you have today and not on something that had happened years ago (due to whatever reasons). Past cannot be changed but you can make present a hell by dwelling in the past.