Confused

For 22 years i have been in a marriage that has left me feeling a sense of loss and failure. When i first met this man he was outgoing and it seem like he was the one that would be there for me every step of the way, but after we married i noticed a certain pattern of a yo-yo effect upon my emotions. After our son was born we was in a store and he ran across a old flame and when we returned to the car i got to hear about it and it left me feeling non existing. He started drinking more and more and i changed allot of my ways to try and be tat wife that he was proud of.. I would stay up late cleaning up the mess from the party before and be up early to make breakfast and care for my son. When my daughter came along 4 years later it seemed like it was doing ok but he was still drinking heavy and actions during certain times was more aggressive than normal. I dealt with that and felt i was doing something wrong or needed to change something to make him happy. then i became pregnant with my 3rd child during this time my husband started cheating with a old fling and i lost my child. The morning i was cramping really bad and begged him to take me to the hospital and he told me to find my own way. I then again blamed myself for all that has happen since i started a job and wasn't there for him.. Now many years later and more pain and confusion in between he got a job that required allot of road time and him and i haven't been around each other as much and the kids are grown.. I am getting the feeling of anxiety and anguish to the point i can not sleep at all. Part of me wants to be that perfect wife but that other part is telling me to run and not look back. I often asked myself do i love him or was it a way i learnt to try and survive within a relationship that i am lost on how to move forward from this.