Almost over

We met when we were young and have been married 15 years now, with 4 children. He drinks and smokes pot and I fear that he just doesn't care anymore. He goes out and doesn't come home, doesn't ring me. He yells at and belittles the kids. I have distanced myself and I strive to come up with new ways to fix everything. My dream is to keep my family home as a safehaven where my kids have precious memories and always come back to even as they get older. Everything is my fault, I can't talk to him as he talks over me. He leaves everything to the last minute and treats our home like a rubbish pile. We spoke tonight and he said he stopped caring a long time ago. He felt I distanced myself and he had tries so hard, I was 19 years old at the time. On my wedding day he left me in the room and went back to the pub. He isn't jealous and I stay with friends sometimes and he will look after the kids, but when I get home the house is a mess and no dishes have been done. He is so angry with me because he thinks I am too soft, but he is so extreme and never there. He rarely participates in family events and will lay in bed all day if his parents or my parents are over. I think I have to let go of my home.

Have you ever complained and let him know what you think of his behavior? For example, you say that he leaves the house in a mess when you're away, but have you ever let him know how much it bothers you? This is just a theory, but I think he's gotten used to his complacent, near-abusive behavior because you have been inadvertently reinforcing his behavior by not letting him know that you don't like it. I believe you need to have a long talk with each other (possibly through the mediation of a counselor) in order to iron out your differences. At the very least, you need to let him know that he's not Mr. Perfect himself.