Jealousy / controlling or a breach or trust

My SO has a job that has her travel.. She works mainly with men , coordinating between sub-contractors and her companies clients. She has spent 10 weeks at one location out of the last 10 months. First trip back she tells me the sub contractor and her “ Are like they have known each other for years” They have been out for drinks.. I later in the year look at her phone. Discover what is remaining of many explicitly sexual text to her. I do not see sexual text back , yet do see many date/time gapes in these messages.. I also see calls that can not all be explained for work.. She also has told me she has been to his house.. She says she has never cheated on me.. That she feels violated I would search her phone.. That just because a man comes on to her doesn’t mean she responds to it.. And doesn’t mean they can not be good friends.. That I controlling by trying to tell her who her friends can be.. That she will not let me tell her who she can talk to.. And it is because of my jealousy that she doesn’t tell me about these things. What should I think ?

Firstly, your wife works in a man's world and she should be, in a sense, keeping herself and her marriage with you safe...and this should be her one and only priority. Secondly, she has allowed herself to be in a difficult position with another guy which tells you what she thinks of your marriage together. The fact that she has allowed him to send explicit messages to her without her complaining should further tell you everything. And to be frank, if she truly valued her marriage with you, she would quickly 'nip any advances in the bud' instead of being so blase about it. Nobody has any right to tell anyone who they can be friends with but when comes to husband and wife, there should mutual respect and trust so both know that the friends they bring into their circle are worthy of their friendship and are no threat to their marriage. She should be worried and concerned that you searched her phone but she needs to be concerned for the genuine reason rather than feeling violated because she has the choice and the power to prevent explicit texts or encourage them. She really should be reassuring you that everything is all ok instead of going on the defensive. I'm sorry but your wife's actions and her reaction to your actions should be red flags to you and to your marriage.

Hear-hear!

I have tried to present this in a neutral fashion.. As I don’t want to end the relationship for being ignorant of my behavior. Will add a few details; She did respond to one text saying “ What’s wrong with you ? Go find a hooker” He responded “ You are my hooker” Like before mentioned it was obvious that many text between them were deleted.. These text took place over weeks.. When I seen these, it was several months after the fact.. Yet she still has unfinished work in that location. Has been there several weeks since. When first talking about this her response was as I had said.. But also painted this guy as someone she found creepy.. That lasted as long as the conversation. Next visit I asked how he was being ? Was told “ Happy to see his friend again” .. Another time when a diiferent woman from her company was going in her place to this location. She was here on the phone with this guy saying "Now don't be trying any thing with my worker" Said jokingly.. Yet i felt she was almost jealous herself.. Seemed she was upset she had to send someone else because of her scedual. She said ; " even work phone conversations she has no privacy" Is all this me being obsessed with jealousy ? I don’t care to feel jealous , I want trust.. The subject between us has become off limits.. If I even try to bring it up.. She gets angry.. Says “she shouldn’t have to defend her self” I’m not looking to accuse or blame.. I am looking for her to understand how I feel.. I believe she should put me , before any friendship with a man.. I also feel that when a man is trying to get in her pants , forming a friendship should be off limits.. If not for the sexual nature involved.. I do not believe any jealousy would be a problem.

That does seem to put a whole new light on things, yes. What's wrong with you, go find a hooker, doesn't sound like acceptance and flirting to me. It sound like this: I can't just tell you to BOG OFF, plus my hands are overly tied with professional rope, but now you're crossing the line so overly that I have to say something to make you see how unacceptable and unprofessional your behaviour is. IOW, this now sounds like unwelcome harrassment. I'm imagining that she needed a friend to share some much-needed R&R for, and that at first he presented himself as one but then started trying to take advantage of the relationship. If she was flirting/cheating and trying to hide it she'd definitely have deleted that one. She'd have deleted ALL of them (think about it). So I think she wants to handle this situation herself for fear of you going ballistic and going after the guy with a baseball bat (figuratively-speaking?) and her looking unprofessional to her bosses for not handling it herself like a grown, capable woman, thus deleted only those texts that were markedly over the top. With that the case, of course she'd say he was behaving better (happy to see his friend again). That way she keeps professional control. Alternatively (or combinedly) it could be that she's trying to manage two separate situations at once, using one of them as her opportunistic basis: [1] to keep this creep as contained as possible without actually destroying working relations thereby causing even more working headache, and [2] to (subconsciously?) leave unexposed just enough evidence that another man fancies and is after her to make you get somewhat more back on your toes... hence leaving some evidence whilst destroying the evidence that would make the truer situation all too obvious and defeat plan 2. Yes, he's a creep. Yes, she doesn't like having to keep him at arm's length. But creeps can have good taste, too. Message is then, other men want me and BIG time ...so why, seemingly, don't you (or don't you as much as you used to?). OR the message is: don't cheat whilst I'm away so, here - have something to fixate on and keep you non-receptive to other female advances. I may be wrong about her liking the side-bonus of you getting back on your toes, though. Only you'd know if before this incident you'd started- what she took as taking her a bit too much for granted and over-relaxing your attentiveness. She WOULD warn this contractor not to behave that unacceptably towards the next woman. Female solidarity, protectiveness, conscientiousness (what if the next woman isn't as capable and ended up 'date'-raped directly because your gf's failure to lodge any official complaint or heads-up?). Course she'd be upset they'd have to send someone else. Girlfriend knows it's like sending another woman into the lion's den. I suspect you felt she was almost jealous herself because that's the tint of glasses you by that point were firmly wearing. However, it's not beyond imagination to suppose that she deliberately added this subtly jealous tone so as to lead the guy on a bit, but only so that he wouldn't try it on with this new woman. That's gf being self-sacrificially protective ("No, monster, don't look at her, LOOK AT ME!"). I think you've accidentally made your girlfriend feel like you think she's some kind of kiddie who can't run her own life without your assistance, but only/mostly through her not understanding male sense of protectiveness to that degree (I'm betting all her previous boyfriends played mummy's wickle baby). She's a career woman, alright...to the point where she's started to think she's a man. She needs to realise that having a man play constant protector is not an insult but a privilege as well as a comment which says you, the man, see her as royalty who thereby warrants such protection, which obviously leaves her free to get on with more queenly business. Obviously, as a man you don't want to go so far as to kittenify her. But assuming you're keeping it balanced, then, yup, I think she wants to prove to herself (and after the fact, to you) that she's just as clever and capable as you, "EC-tually!". And how effective will THAT be if you find out she even can single-handedly manage and contain Ollie The (Slimey) Octupus? In fact, thinking about it, that may explain the leaving of some texts for you to whoops! find. She's too greedy for your recognition and admiration to be capable of waiting until the final act/the danger's tackled and gone. But you misinterpreted it all...hence her bitter reaction. Unfortunately, if her bosses wouldn't appreciate losing this particular sub-contractor, she'd HAVE to tread this fine line, and you getting involved could have him (because clearly he's an up-his-own-arse merchant) downing tools permanently. Also, if she complained to her bosses, they might see her as too womanly-weak to be capable of handling that job. Another reason for leaving some texts: potential evidence to show her bosses if ultimately she has to, should she lose control of the situation whereby the sh*t hit the fan and he then tried to re-point the finger at HER. Because, look, at the point where she was swallowing his ruse at just wanting to be an after-hours platonic buddy, she went to his house. How would THAT look despite mere innocence and gullibility on her part? Not good. No, you're not being jealous, you're just being protective in proportion with how much she means to you. But I do now think you've totally misread the situation, yes. She's being a bit arrogant and over-estimating herself, I think. It would have been better if she'd confided in you over this tricky situation. HOWEVER, is she RIGHT in fearing you'd have immediately reared up (at him) like Taz of Tasmania? Did any of that make your jello go PINGGG! ?

(Sorry - typed gf instead of wife)