Hopeless

Hello there !

Well, this is the first time I've registered to a forum like this, so pardon me if I happen to do anything wrong or weird. My name is Tika, I live in Hungary, and I'm 21 years old. The reason I registered and created this thread is because I feel like I'm having so much things around me in my life that I can not handle any longer, and I do not know where to turn for someone who could listen me and help.

I'm 21, I am a college student at the moment. Even tho I am surrounded by lots of people, I have no one for me. I live in a dormitory with a room mate during the weekdays and for the weekends I usually travel home where I live in my parents. I have a sister who moved to her boyfriend for a few years already, and sadly I tried but we never really got in touch with each other. We have never been those close sisters as you would expect. I have an older brother as well who has an illness called authism. Due to this reason, he lives in a special hospital for ill people for almost one year already. Before the time, he had been living with us which to be honest was really hard for both him and us. My whole childhood contained quarrels in my family and now that I turned older I have to realize this made me have an effect. My family probably differs from the other types of families where people have a good bond with each other. Somewhere along the way, my relationship with my family turned to sour and cold. My dad does not talk much. He works a lot, while my mother has no job for many years now. They either do not talk to each other or just fight over almost everything. Fights are usually about my mom, who complains to my father for all the things you can imagine. My dad is a shy but good person, but in the last 5-6 years he became so distant. He rather spends the time working and doing his hobby or helping other people than being home. While my mother became a depressed person due to the hardship she had in her life. For example, I believe the fact she had an ill son and knowing how much both him and the family suffered cause of it, made her turn into a person with bad nerves.

Since my dad does not really talk or spends his time home (even if he does, he just watches Tv), I do not have the same relationship with him as I was a child. During the weekdays I do not talk with my parents, only in the weekend when I go home. But as I mentioned I talk with my dad only 3-4 sentences but then both him and me go into our own world (will explain later). The only person who actually talks to me in the weekend is my mother. But as I mentioned, she became really negative, and not only her but also her comments to me are devastating. When I'm at home, she usually tells me things that hurt me so much. For instance, she complains that what girl I should be. She tells me how other girls dress like, how they wear their hair, and everything she just has in mind just bashed it on me. By now, I have lost my self-confidence completely. Once, she told me " You will be so alone and a lonely girl after we die, cause neither your sister does not care about you, and you do not even have a boyfriend who you could count on. " Since I hear these things for several years now, I did not only lose my self-confidence but also my mood to talk to anyone in the weekend. I tried before, telling her she is wrong and I do not wish to get such comments, but it is hopeless. No matter what I say, like I am talking to a wall. She does not care what I say or how I think, the only thing what matter for her is telling to me how much of a bad person I am and how I should be like according to her. (cut your long hair, do not wear this and that. Little things that do not seem to be a big deal now as I say but believe me after a while they do have effects on me). During the weekdays I am surrounded by my room mate in the dormitory who is a friendly, nice person. On the other hand, she seems to be a perfect person who is successful in everything and due to the comments I get from my mother, it sometimes makes me feel really sad. Seeing the 'perfect' person with a really close bond with her family, then going home for weekend and face to the opposite things for me. So this is the reason I go into my own world in the weekends which is the internet. I have never believed in online relationships but it has changed when I found someone who I got to like really much almost 2 years ago. It's scary to be honest. It's scary cause by now I am in love with him so much in the same time I am really attached to this person. But our story is difficult as well. In the past, he lied to me and eventually cheated on me with his colleague. He gave me no option but leaving him. Probably that is the time my depression has started. If anyone got cheated on, probably shares the same feelings: I felt betrayed, I lost my trust. Not only in him but in myself for being with a guy like this. I could write pages of those feelings, nightmares, thoughts I had in my mind in that period. I never got over it cause I could not understand how it could happen to me while I tried my best to make things real with him. He tried talking to me several times but I stayed cold and really distant. It's like.. I never stopped loving him during the time, I just stopped showing to him any feelings. He tried for months talking to me and then I decided to give him another chance. We got together and we are now together for 6-7 months again. We have our ups and downs but I love him so much and can not let him go. Although, the fact that someone could get close to my heart this much.. is scaring me. And I do not know how I could handle losing this person. I already lost him once, and I am extremely scared of losing him again because losing him would mean losing myself as well, cause I feel so alone. Sometimes I get this feeling I wish I could talk to someone and ask for help, on the other hand I like to be in my own world and not surrounded by them.. like I am going crazy, this is how I feel. I think a lot about my life or how I could help myself but I got a moody person. The reasons I mentioned above made me become a moody person. I cry a lot when no one is around on the other hand I try to keep the impression 'I am fine' cause I wanna keep my issues for myself. But there are times like this when I hope a friend could grab my hand and help me cause I have never in my life felt so miserable and hopeless as I feel right now. I feel empty.

Well, I tried to be really short with the story of my life and I could express my feelings in a really long one but I am afraid no one would read such a long boring story. Sorry for any grammatical fails if I made any, and thanks for reading.

Hello there! I have pretty similar story like you and im 18 years old,except my dad is agressive guy and you cant talk to him,while mother is super passive-agressive and depressed.I do have problems with self confidence but im getting better everyday because i find a way to work on it.Anyways,what you need is to find your true dream!Mine is to enroll in military academy and to become commander,and that thought keeps me alive even if there is chaos in my family because i know when im done with school,ill go there. Second,dont listen to your mom at all,you cant really do much about her...you have to find your own path and fight it,i hope this helped you somehow.Good luck!

Hello there! Thanks for your responses and advice. Sadly, there is not any health center on my campus, but even if there was, I would not have the courage to talk about my issues face to face to people who I do not know. People around me see me probably as a cheerful person but it is just the cover I decide to show. Although, there is a religious group, I was not brought up in as a religious person, even tho I intended to be one, and got to know a lot about them by reading. Still, I realized growing up like that or start it later like I did can not be compared, and then I found neither reason nor strength to continue it. The only person who I could talk is my closest friend and I even contacted him but as I mentioned in the message as well, he is really busy with his own things, and I do not feel like bothering with my problems and ask for his attention cause he has his own. That's why I thought I would share my story on the internet and I may find some people who have been through the same or similar thing in their lives or anyone who can listen.