Depression

Now days I am feeling very depressed. Actually I have a love feeling for my best friend. We are friends since 2010. After few months of our friendship, I proposed her. But then she denied. She had given explanation that she didn't want to get into any relation ship with anyone. After that many times I had told her about my feelings. But each time I had to face disappointment. Last year in the month of March, she told me that she had love feeling for one of her friend. Listing the same, I got broke fully and could not stop myself to express my sorrow with her.Many times I had suggested her to tell about her feeling to the person, she loved. Now I am living dual life. I am the person who is her best friend and 2nd I am the one who loved her a lot. As she consider me as her best friend, I don't tell her about my sorrow because I know she will get hurt. She talks me daily over phone. She shares almost all the things with me. Now we have become habitual of talking daily with each other. But each day I am feeling depressed and painful by thinking that she doesn't love me but can love someone else. When she told me about her feeling for someone else, I started comparing myself with that other guy, whom she loves. I found that there is nothing in which I can feel myself equal to that guy, whom she loves. I have totally lost my self confidence. I becomes afraid whenever I have to talk to any person. I want to get rid of my sorrow, my pain. Today one incident happened with me. On daily basis both of us have casual talk with each other up to many hours. So today when I was talking with her, I got a call from my client. It was really important for me. I requested her to talk later and attended the call form my client. After one hour when I finished my talk with my client, I called her and apologized her saying that it was important call for me, so I had to attend. At this she suddenly said with anger, "Your call is more important than me" I told her with respect that nothing I more important that my family and you. But she became fully angry on me. She has refused to talk with me. Can someone tell what I did today, for that she is punishing me. Such scenario happens with me usually. But I am just her best friend only. She knows very well that I become sad whenever she talks about the guy, whim she love, but still she talks me about him. But I never complains with her and listen every thing with smile. I always try to put her happiness on first priority. Although the person, whim she loves is not with her, she cant forget him. Now days she often say me that I am getting changed. What am I doing, I don't know. Whenever she becomes angry with me, each time I apologize to her, without analyzing who is on fault. Should she expect such things from a person, whom she cant love???? From last five years I am trying to win her heart. I am also a human. I also want that she would love me. Am I so mean?? But really I feels too that I am not good enough so that someone can love me. ....Really I am a waste creator, whom she can never understand. I think that there is lack in me only. This is the reason no one ant to understand me...

So you're having difficulties dealing with your disappointment, having checked repeatedly that you should definitely accept the no-go situation, that it's definitely Disappointment Time. Why then stick around to keep gaining reminders? This represents you torturing yourself, self-harming, in fact. "Cutting" doesn't have to happen on the outside of yourself to count as such, albeit that yours is a mild form. But while the constantly refreshed disappointment (re-cuts) renders you 'depressed', you're obviously going to remain too disheartened, apathetic and mentally and bodily lethargic to get on with whatever there is, singular or plural, that you should be tackling and tending to but don't want or know how to. This 'cutting' is a distraction technique for the purposes of procrastination. You're an apple, this other guy's a banana, and it just so happens that this woman prefers the taste and texture of the latter when it comes to eating a whole one. It's not personal. But what it does do is provide an add-on to the cutting exercise through you now being able to enter into (safe arm's length distance, one-place-removed) competition with another male. Are you trying to avoid having to do the real thing elsewhere in your life, or is it that there's some *future, looming* competitive event towards which you're using this guy to limber-up?...Using him-conceptually like a piece of gym equipment? Or does he represent someone you lost out to in your past that only now you feel like taking on and trying to beat/win against? Growing up, did your parents, etc., give you unrealistically too much praise, meaning, only now when getting to compare yourself in the mirror side-by-side with other people has it hit you that you're not as superb at this/that/this when out in the bigger arena? You're comparing yourself to the wrong set. An apple has its OWN strengths and positives. Compare yourself with other apples only, not bananas. Or don't compare yourself to ANYONE except for yourself last year and the year before that... You're developing at your own pace for a very good reason (I can't stress this enough). Speeding up via efficiency is one thing, but you try to rush yourself and you could miss out on some incredible opportunity waiting in place for future you (because you won't be where you should). In other words, if you get onto the first bus that calls at your busstop, not only might it take you to the wrong/unintended destination but equally might mean the journey isn't as enjoyable (because you're with the wrong type of fellow passengers) and nor will the destination suit you as optimally. Let that bus go and wait for YOUR one... which might be the second or the third. It also, note, might well be headed for the same destination but be a LOT faster and feature MUCH prettier and interesting scenery (as well as passengers) because of taking a different route containing less stops, meaning you'll actually arrive there (and get the awaiting goodies) before anyone else you know. That's the philosophical viewpoint. Now to what's going on with HER: "At this she suddenly said with anger, "Your call is more important than me" " She's playing around with you. She doesn't actually want this other guy as much as she constantly hints, either. She WANTS you to compete - including you treating her like the centre of your universe, and better than he does. If 'he' even exists in terms of being someone she has designs on or that has designs on her, I should swiftly add, because you don't make that clear. You *did* put the client first, and that's a fact. You could easily have told the client you were on the line already to another client, would he mind if you called him straight back (which would have made you appear very sought-after). That you did is probably because you sense the truth in the first half of what I'm saying to you about her being not quite right for you. I mean, you do have to make a living. You imagine being earnings/career-impeded to that degree on a long-term basis, courtesy of a girlfriend who expects you to eschew every other life concern and drop everything for her, BUT WITH NO PRIOR NOTICE. And partly she'd be doing that because, her not truly being your type thus NOT fully lighting your candle, you indeed would put other things first most of the time and she'd sense where she stood and not like it. (Making sense?) She's already testing that out NOW. But she's just practising for practise's sake (read on). You're using her, with whatever she's using you for being highly compatible. Two agendas meeting, it's owners tacitly striking a deal. By how you treat her it seems you're seeking real-deal love, whereas she seem mostly to be seeking egotistical proof that she's a real woman now, and one with HUUUUGE allure. (She's watched too many film romances and taken them literally.) But if she should be past that age then that changes it to, she's trying to patchingly augment her ego following it having had chunks taken out of it by someone else, whenever. But she's clearly not actually ready to do the adult motions of an adult love relationship. She's too immature or unready for you. Best someone slice up that banana and insert little cocktail sticks into each morsel so that she won't get bored and not finish eating it. ;-) I know it's difficult working from home(?) due to being able to go for days never venturing into the outside world. So when it comes to shopping for a girlfriend, you tend to be restricted to those you already know rather than having the full 'shop's-worth'. Try to get out and socialise more so that you'll meet a far more numerous and wider range of types, including those who are readier than her to bite the bullet and do the real thing, WITHOUT having to go through so many neurotic, secret, aka UNDER-THE-TABLE, preparations in the run-up even to having the first date! Yes, you are changing. You're slowly but surely starting to discard her (her as a potential romantic partner), back to her rightful Friend place (whom you DON'T put before a client). So: "Should she expect such things from a person, whom she cant love????" NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNope! She should pee or get off the potty. Oh, and by the way, you're perfectly normal. You're just learning and trying to finally throw off old baggage, same as her.

Listen to my one line advice, you may feel bad but thats the truth. ''You are her time pass and she will only hurt you if you move on, Leave her''. there are approx 3.5 billion females in the world, i am confident you will find someone who will respect your love.