5yrs of relationship then marriage & now husband doesn't love me
I am on the verge of suicide.
I married my husband after 5yrs of relationship. He was crazy behind me like anything earlier & though i broke up with him many times, he chased me like anything. Finally seeing his love me & my family also agreed & married him happily In dec 2013. Now after wedding i found him lying me abt his personal loans, frnds loans & other family problems, so i fought lot wid him. Also i found him in contact with his x-gf, which shattered me as i had trusted him blindly in terms of love. Now things are not going gud Between us. He hardly talks to me. I told him if he is not happy with me pls leave me & go.. i cant think of starting life with any1 else as i had fought lot with my family to marry him and i love him still. If he shares all his life & problems with me, trust could develop again. I dont have any frnd also to share, he too doesnt talk with me.. so i wan to atleast suicide setting myself free from all tentions. Pls suggest me some tips to end my life.
I pray god not to give me any re-birth. No love no problems.
Hi. I can understand your problem. please calm down and set your mind free of all negative thoughts. Dear, the world is beautiful. I know the kind of pain you are going through. Suicide is NEVER an option. You seem too depressed and when a person is depressed to this extent, the power/wisdom to think clearly fades away. You love your husband..please talk to him about your fears of losing him. He's your soul mate and you should open up your heart to him. You are the one who can help this marriage, nobody else. I'm sure he too loves you. Please don't think of suicide. God has plans for everyone.
God bless you dear. Sending positive vibrations across..
We have another female on here who's been contemplating suicide. Please go and read her thread? Her boardname (alias) is R. Here's the link: http://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/6401/My-Life-Is-Full-Of-Problemsplease-Help-Me.
I haven't got time, now, this evening, to contribute, but I'm sure any other advisers will offer you guidance and support tonight. Just bear in mind for the time being, that emotions are like a drugs trip and can make everything feel so much worse and futile than it actually is. If it's a human problem (check!), there is always, ALWAYS, a human solution somewhere (life rule). It just takes finding ways to calm yourself down, like RYKA said, to re-widen your vision enough to where you'll spot it. So don't quit because it's just not necessary. Plus, things always get worse right before they get better.
Ask your husband if he wants a relationship full of hate. If he does not care than you have to be happy apart. If he cares than tell him everything you wrote in your letter, that he is not talking to you but if he shared your life and troubles you could have a good life. Remember you can have a good life apart or a good life together. Either way you can be happy. But you have to make it happy.
Pls help me..
Husband behaves gud 1 day.. i get hopes.. next morning again he fights wid me.
He is putting condition that if i want his love i should not ask him anything.. he wants to live his free life
He doesnt like to walk hands in hands with me like earlier during relationship.
I want him to plan outing for us like earlier.
He doesnt like to share his happiness nor sorrow with me.
I dont have any1 to share.. i am going mad.. banged my head many times against wall n pleaded him to pls give his love to this relation. He says dont bore me & asks to keep my mouth shut. He thinks i am a drama queen & i simply try to suicide but wont do it in real. But how to tell him i am just trying to bear as much as i can coz once my life is over ders no way out. I too dream to live a happy married life like others, have kids, plan outings & laugh all time. These all things are disappeared from my life.
I feel a man should himself feel from within to share joy & sorrow with his wife, should treat her as best friend.
I dont see this will be possible in my life there is no way out. He wants his free life & i am not part of it.
I loved him madly & cant think of life without him.. i feel now ders no use in simply fighting for my rights which he wont give me ever.. i feel god is not with me as i had badly fought against every1 to get married to him.
I beg.. i really dont have more patience.. pls help me..
I cant share my pain to any1. Being busy in my relation i had dropped almost all friends & not kept in touch with any1.
I dont have any close frnds to share now. We both are working in same company ( but different office abt 1km away) since long so cant share with any office colleague also as dont want to bring my personal relation to everyones desk to gossip. I am crying most of times at my desk & in toilet. Many people notice n ask me but i am unanswerable. I am at gud position in my office dont want to spoil his & my reuptation.. i will be completing 30yrs in next month. Dont want to see my birthday cant take more.
I always want romance to last in my marriage.
I wan to be like any other happily married couple.
I want him to surprise me by little little things like earlier
I wan him to be faithful to me & share all his joys n sorrows.
I wan him to put his display photo with me on his social networking sites (which would mean he is happy n dont regret marrying me)
I wan him to still gift me roses like earlier ocassionally.. i dont wan any precious gifts from him.
I want him to say me luv u wen going to bed n after waking up.
I wan him to plan picnics n outings like earlier.(earlier when due to parents restictions i wadnt allowed to go out, he forced & fought each day to meet)
I want him to cal me atleast once in a day to ask me if i had my food n medicines. (b4 marriage wen his callz were not allowed on my phone, he used to call min 20times a day)
I csnt ask him all this as he says to stop my bakwaas, which hurts me badly.. i hav many many small dreams.. is it wrong dreaming & expecting all above wen ihe was giving me much more than this before marriage. I thought after marriage we wont have any restrictions & will enjoy life to the fullest. But god gave me wonderful returns.
I think you have no choice either you leave India, your family and husband or you die. This is not a European style relationship. You can go home and be the maid or go with him and have him be a pompous egotistical self centered moron. That is your choice. I am sorry. Do you have any skills to make a living? Can you get a job in UK? You made a mistake. We all do. You need not pay with your life.
I know i am in india & not europe. I too cant think of leaving him & starting relation with any1 else.
For suicide i dont fear at all for myself. It is easier to hang by the fan or drink & jump from the tower. Only fear is what will happen to my old parents they too will die. My husbands life also will be waste. I dont wish to land others in problem after i go. I too do t have more patience so always pray god for a natural death may be accident or getting slipped from train.
My husband talks nicely 1 day & next day we again start fight all over again. I try to compromise my mind by not letting my words come out but my nature doesnt allow me to control completely as i am a straight forward person by nature.
I dont find way out. I am a enginr by profession & have already worked in uae for a year. I feel i can get job abroad.
What shall i do? Resign job or life.. no use of keeping hopes too as always get disheartened from past 1.5yrs.
My advice-just go and send your parents so much money they can visit you and hire people at home to care for them. You may love your husband but he does not love you. Resign your job or nothing will change. If he wants freedom give it to him. Plenty of men will live with you in the West, it is not over. Start with leaving with his permission and then stay.
Most of your "list" of wants are about things that happen when people are DATING and trying to woo each other.
After marriage, the male sometimes gets lackadaisical about keeping up with flowers and calls and sweet remarks. Boo hoo - The honeymoon is over
Perfectly normal . . .
So - YOU must take the lead and keep the spice in your marriage.
Plan get away weekends; romantic date nights during the week; send HIM love notes and flowers. Do you get it?
At least try to wake up the romance with your man by doing the exact things you want him to do.
PS you need some female friends outside of work to have fun with and to be able to talk to. It sounds like you revolve around your husband too much. It's a big world out there. Get some feelings of validation from outside of just one emotionally distant man who probably has no idea what you need.
As I understood I and I could be wrong he wants a relationship where they lead separate lives, he is unfaithful and he is not. Her wants may be unreasonable but there is no compromise with nothing.
she is not
I agree no amount of Honeymoon-style wooing is going to be capable of converting THAT degree of bad attitude towards marriage as a whole and theirs in particular. So, CHAVANPRACHI0304, why is suicide, as takes 10 out of 10 courage, preferable to going back to your parents, as takes only 7/10, to say cap-in-hand, 'You were right, he's a Grade A tosser whom, the minute he felt he'd 'got me', showed his truer colours (50 Shades of Kack, basically), I should have listened to you but now I've learned my lesson, please help me, mum and dad'? Seriously, WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT?
(Sorry, that was me, Soulmate. I've no idea why my alias (and !!!'s) didn't show up. If it happens again I'll get it sorted.)
I know that i am married & not dating. So should i (or anyone in this world) not expect to be loved & cared by husband.
Are all men same? Do really all men stop loving after marriage? I dont feel so. Then why do they show so much extracare & love before marriage? & dont value their love after they get it.
I tried to bring change in our routine by planning trips n all.. but he never agrees may be due to financial crisis. I sponsored our last trip completely which was gud but still again same differences persists between us.
He never likes hugging each other or may be something romantic like candle light n all. He used to like all this earlier but nomore.
Even on weeknds i seem to bore him at home so he tries to find ways to go out.
I have compromised myself lot in this marriage i.e financially, educationally n mostly his habit of not sharing n trusting me. But wat more shall i do now..i too loose my patience & fight then. i am half mad by now & not in my senses most of time. Cant ask parents for help as they will be shattered & dont wanna hurt them as they are happy seeing both their daughters married happily.
Wish he could have always spoken truth to me (be it gud or bad) & becum my best frnd atleast.. i dont want anything else
How to tell him.what i am going through.. when i share my thoughts he says he is not interested in dem.. listening that kills me n wishes god to award me death immediately.
I have never had a man like that. No they are not all like that and a marriage can be good. If you are an engineer you should know.
Whether you're dating or married, if it's not fun, inspiring, life-enhancing and self-validating OVERALL, you're either doing it wrong or (your case) are with the wrong partner. I call it the Dark To Light Ratio. 50/50 and you don't care whether the relationship ends or plods on (conflict = paralysis). 60/40 and it's just so-so. 70/30 and you've got an averagely good relationship. Anything above and you're not just content but deeply happy and full of the joys of spring (again, OVERALL).
It could be a phase you're in, but the honeymoon period can't have been that good for him to have dropped from, say, 80/20 all the way down to where the relationship currently grades (which I'd say sounds like 30/70..yeesh!).
...UNLESS he was a wolf in sheep's clothing who's since - now that he's "got you" - has dropped the outfit. That's what he sounds like to me. Emotionally he sounds abusive.
However, saying that, he might well have been a sheep who put ON a wolf's clothing...due to this: "i broke up with him many times, he chased me like anything".
Whilst men are fixated on the re-chase, they're not thinking long-term. Each time you broke up with him you chipped a portion of trust away AND caused resentment. That could have made his heart clam up for self-protective reasons - so that next time you left and in case it were for good, he'd not suffer heart so much - COMBINED with his now treating you mean for revenge purposes, getting off on it, ego-wise ("NOW who's got the power, hah!"). The trouble with this is it can become a habit.
However, given the data about the lying (personal loans), i.e. him trying to present himself as someone he wasn't quite, I think you have a case of fractional-wolf throws off fractional-sheep's disguise and does so because you caused bitterness by daring to end it (which, thinks the other party, you shouldn't ever be able to dare do if you truly love someone) *plus* (by the way you put it) you having made HIM do all the work and vulnerability-exposing which left him feeling too vulnerable compared to you.
You FOUND him in contact with his ex. That means he wanted you to find out thus made it possible. That's a common power play tactic as well. So ultimately, he ended up not feeling safe, but, unable to lose you or let you go or regain a sense of safety the BRAVE way, decided to keep you like a slave to his master with him in total control and you, now, feeling like the one who has to love him harder, love him harder, be nicer and nicer, flog your guts out, basically - all to make him love you again like he used to. With you constantly chasing after his attention and affections, he feels reassured...safe. Safety as a perk without having to lift a finger of work. See it?
So you either have two issues - him having hidden certain sides from you (which was part-conning you into marrying him) PLUS him now playing too hard-to-get come treat-her-mean-to-make-her-keen (or in your case, KEEP you keen), *or* it's just the latter that's majorly peeing you off and the loan/etc. bits wouldn't bother you quite so much if he were being more like his past, loving self.
(You have to identify exactly what the problem is before you or anyone can start being concerned with which solution(s) to implement.
However, it may be that his feeling so unsafe was allowed to drag on for too long whereby he's since just been so much more careful in his contact with the ex, meaning, he's now having an affair for reasons of having a safetynet in place in case you push him off the edge of the relationship cliff again. Clue: his trying to find ways to go out without you; not even wanting to hug you (because that would make the fact of his being an adulterer REAL).
If it's too late to remedy this, i.e. all he's doing is keeping the husband-wife situation for its practical benefits alone, then - I'm sure your parents will get over it; they're big, strong adults, doncha know. Plus, whoever expected life, especially one with kids in the mix, to be non-stop harmonious without the occasional heartache and disappointment? But, excuse-wise, nice try.
So let's just be honest about this: you KNOW there's still hope hence don't want to leave yet. Correct?
Kindly all help me
I am badly disturbed in my life. Every other day we have fights.
He he takes all his decisions by himself.. when i object over something he shouts n den simply doesnt feel need to answer me too.
Every other night i sleep crying & cursing god for giving me birth.
I am not able to quit him too as i love him still.
There are numerous problems in my life. I want to share all in detail & tell everything when i fought & when he fought. Then i want your judgements if i went wrong somewhere.
Pls is someone available to listen to my whole story.. or meet me in personal.. i am going mad
Else pls tell me name & address of any good advisor who can help me.
Prachi just relax. In the earlier post I had said real life is not Bollywood cinema and most men are not romantic. They show romance to get the girl and once they get her its like mission accomplished and back to square one. Please know that you are not alone and marriage comes with all this as part and parcel.
@Soulmate - I had given her my email id so that I could help her but seems its against posting policies. So how do I share it with her?
Tons of thanx for showing so much concern towards me without knowing me also.
Wish all people in this world were like u
I have mailed u on your given id. Kindly respond back on same if u recd it.
I am damn tensed.. earlier was a girl was full of life & masti..
Now pls sme1 help me in coming me out of this..
I need a frnd pls..
Shivangi, yes it is against policy to publish your email address on the board, as is it to sequester away posters as if PP is a mere broker service for one-on-one, closed-circuit communication. Saying that, it wasn't me who deleted it, plus you've now explained your intentions as honourable... in which case, I'd have thought the better solution would be to invite her to the PP Chatroom (green banner, third from right)?
However, I have to say it still concerns me that you thought it sensible to take to the private, personal level any interaction with a total stranger that (and let's be real, here) is a complete unknown-quantity to you and could be absolutely anyone, possibly not even female (no offense, CHAVANPRACHIO). These rules are therefore here for adviser members' protection first and foremost. Plus, on the psychological level, it's not exactly recommendable to take an advisory position if you're going to be so overly affectable as to step over said protective line of demarcation.
It's inspiring to see such compassion, granted, but - again, being realistic - this forum is not the only source of human assistance in the world. So if you *can* offer support and advice in the normal way via this thread - as is, by its very nature, what any problem-holder *expected* - then, that would be the more acceptably orthodox, less worrying tack to take.
In short, you're no good to us dead in a ditch somewhere, are you. (Again, no offence intended, C. I'm sure you're exactly what and who you purport to be. However, in certain settings precedents can be dangerous things.)
To the pair of you,
I'm no expert on how Indians behave when in their home country, but true love itself has long been proven to surpass/disregard any or all cultural influences (including, in some cultures, even real threat of death by stoning). So, no, 'men' *don't* all put on a completely false act when wooing a woman towards marriage and nor do they all drop that act the minute their feet are under the table. Most men are the same as women in wanting to settle down happily ever after (within realistic parameters) with a partner worthy of the term 'soulmate'. Granted, many men take longer to mature than woman in that respect, but, still - the desire is innately HUMAN and NOT a drive that can be suppressed for very long, if at all.
This particular man is clearly not in-love with his wife, which rather proves he never was (or was sufficiently), let alone has any respect or regard these days for her feelings and opinions. Bar the 'may be unreasonable' bit, "!!!" said it best, which I repeat:
"As I understood I and I could be wrong he wants a relationship where they lead separate lives, he is unfaithful and he is not. Her wants may be unreasonable but there is no compromise with nothing."
You cannot negotiate and compromise with that level of total disdain and disregard as your basis. So with that diagnosis ascertained without (taking things as read) any grounds for doubt, the issue is now, how to convince CHAVANPRACHI0304 that it was never healthy for her to hinge her entire sense of identity onto a man prior to his having proven himself worthy of such emotional over-investment, and to be helped to recall how she had a life prior to meeting him and can be happy again without him.
She claims her barrier is not wanting to crush her parents' hopes and dreams for her, when the truth of the matter is that NO parent would want their daughter to live a nightmare for the sake of on-paper desires, expectations, traditions or social appearances/pressures. It's merely the kind of excuse people come out with when deep-down they either don't want to quit their marriage or simply aren't ready due to not having yet reached the end of their tether. In C's case, she wants to know whether her own conduct co-created or -contributed to any of this situation thus whether she has the power to undo the mess in order to get back to some sort of harmony upon which to further build. I'm sure her reason, here, is so that IF OR WHEN she has to admit defeat to her parents, she can cite WITH CONFIDENCE a whole list of genuine, plausible, globally-understandable and -inarguable grievances rather than remain forever under suspicion that she was equally at fault or didn't try as hard as she might have.
C, be advised that ceasing to love someone does NOT justify or explain the type of treatment and behaviour you describe in your husband, for the simple reason of there being a thing called, love in memoriam. That he HAS no respect for what you at least once were and meant to him, is what tells me that it never existed to begin with *or* that he presently 'hates' you because every time he looks at you / you try harder and harder to be nice to him and/or appeal to his softer side, you trigger GUILTY CONSCIENCE (over his having an affair) and it's THIS that he can't handle....which makes how bad he feels YOUR fault... which makes him feel justified in treating you like shite on his shoe. It's very common cheater behaviour.
The GOOD news here is that his being a suspected adulterer (atop his consistently heinous treatment of you 90% of the week as his way of 'handling' it) is all the justification you need when it comes to leaving him and returning to your parental home. So if you can somehow gather evidence using this new light, that would help you a lot. I suggest you watch him like a hawk and keep notes, like a diary.
Hi! I understand that you are in a critical situation, but you need to keep some patience, try to talk to him about the reason of doing all this. You need to be very strong, we can not end our life just because of facing problem in life. You can contact to his colleagues, don't fight with him, ask with love and understanding for the reason. If the things still doesn't work, you should get separate from him .
Soulmate, I appreciate your concern but for God's sake I am a lady who is in her 40's (not a teenager) and definitely not stupid. I am well versed with the dangers of social networking /chats/ emails and know to maintain my own safety. Thanks for your advice anyway. As for chats, I avoid it.
Indian society behaves differently in comparison to the western world. Here men-women equality is only in papers and in the voices of women's protests. Men are the head of the family and the right to decision lies with them. Then whether they listen to opinions of their wives or not depends on man to man and their upbringing.
As for leaving husband and going back we need to consider lots of things before doing that and women here generally use it as a last resort. Indian Society (though slowly changing) looks down upon a divorcee and it affects parents respect in society and the marriage prospects of siblings too. True parents want the best for their kids but due to the same reasons parents consider divorce as a last option. Not being in love would not be considered reason enough to break off a marriage here. If you go to the interiors of India and do a deeper study you will be shocked at the compromises women do just so that they can maintain the marriage.
Prachi, unfortunately I didn't receive any mail. Do one thing, check out my advice in this thread.
"for God's sake I am a lady who is in her 40's (not a teenager) and definitely not stupid."
'I'm not stupid...', she said, having just TWICE jammed a fork into the live socket.
It's quite simple, Shivangi, and doesn't warrant handbags at dawn (particularly as mine's got an Uzi in it): *Don't*. End of.
Other than that, carry on...
I have experience of interacting with strangers over email for the past many many years and know how to remain safe while doing so. A knife can be useful or harmful just depends on how you use it. I do know how to use mine without cutting myself. Like I said thanks for your concern but no thanks. Anyway now you can relax, you wouldn't need to watch my steps henceforth.
I'm not interested in your petulant and self-aggrandizing arguments and opinions on the matter as include what you, a poster, happen to think a site moderator should or shouldn't do and when. But let me just point out that only someone who was already fully aware they were about to break a forum prohibition would pre-emptively avoid the automatic email-address-deletion function by substituting the full-stop with 'dot'. So the 'butter in your mouth' had already long 'melted'.
If your last sentence was to imply you'd rather leave the forum altogether than follow forum codes of conduct like everyone else, then, over-reactive or not, that is entirely your own decision.
Dear shivangi & soulmate,
Sry for late reply. Me & my problems are genuine, its upto u to trust me. If reqd i can even provide you my all details to verify.
Abt my personal life, now i have stopped asking almost everything to my husband (who is on the call, why he doesnt msg me or call me, abt his credit cards, emi paymnt). Also i hav stipped demanding for sex as he refuses many times. Since last week i am feeling the urge to hav bu he is denying saying he is sleeoing. He has his entire time for playing games on mobile & chatting. Whole day he is on mobile. He never lets me touch his mobile. He keeps it away frm my reach wid password or switching off. But i never denied him to see my phone.
I like lot to roam n explore.. may be he too likes but denies owing to finance problms. He lost his dad in childhood & mother in last year.. owing to that he shares everyrhing to hid elder married sister (who dislikes me) but he hardly tells me their chat. He cares lot abt his bro n sister.. which is gud. But thdy have their spouse to take care of them. Who will take care of me? Whom shall i go n express my pains.
What shall i do.. i dont understand.. recently on my bday he was in gujarat on company tour. He came frm der surprisingly for my bday at 12am & got me my fav dslr cam also. His behaviour confused me whether he loves me or not.
Please appreciate that entertaining the forum-typical possibility (in the context of member safety) that you might not be whom or what you claim to be is not the same as my asserting it as an accusation.
However, even taking your persona here at face value, I'm afraid I find it exceptionally difficult to understand your written English. So I'm not sure how to get around that giant obstacle.
Perhaps there's someone else on here who does and who can advise you better than I can?